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EtherealMartyr — Torture
Published: 2012-10-05 16:39:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 263; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 1
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Description
I.I broke my heart this morning. Darling, did you feel it? I placed it, pulsing, between our bodies and watched it burst in echo to your rhythm. The clock kept ticking and it was too late to turn back.
II.
It attacked my body last night. Darling, did you feel it? I placed my hand on the hill and pressed it down until it was as flat as I could remember. I never liked balloon animals; there was always the chance that they would regain their original shape and forget the work their creator put into them.
III.
I freed myself this morning. Darling, don't you feel it? I placed poison in my body to expel your ghost from inside. The clock kept ticking and you never turned back.
Comments: 3
Mm. Down the list and the rabbit hole it is. Vision. The Vision of this piece is indeed an incredibly well done presentation. Heartbreak is rarely so presented chronologically, and in such a straight forward logically illogical format. The 1-2-3 Structure seems to add to a sense of 'this is the way it is'. The supposed vision however, is lacking. I can only guess at your point - is it suicide? Is it merely the resolution that the speaker has moved from the aforementioned person? Perhaps it's what you meant - but the fact you proved heartbreak in such a manner is indeed most impressive.
Originality; I can only say that no love poem, no manner of prose or poetry like that will ever be totally original. I give half, because I've never seen this specific poem presented in this manner. I don't give the other half, because I have seen chronology used with the more austere roman numerals everywhere from Homer to Allen Poe. It's unique. Just not that unique - but it does not detract.
When I think of technique, I think of the consistence presented to me by my sensei. I took Shaolin Kenpo for some years, and learned technique does not need to be perfect - it is personal and as such must have a solid base, but the rest only needs to be effective. You've accomplished a solid chronological base. 1, heart breaks. 2, grief. 3, unknown resolution. Personally, I like this order. From a standpoint of a martial arts student (Honestly, who ever really stops being a student of their chosen subjects...?) I have to say that this piece can't make up its mind whether it wants to be prose, or poetry. It's almost one or the other. I follow Keating's idea though - language was not invented for society, nor was it invented to communicate. It was simply invented to woo women. And you, with this, could easily woo a woman with your words.
On technique again, setting aside format, let's look at diction. Between I and III there is unity. II is in discord with I and III, which, for the case of grief, might accentuate the point. This is an excellent style choice for the point made. That said. You've got two subliminal ideas here - the logic of chronology, and the discord you've created by writing more for your second part. The initial parts of each line follow the I -, Darling d-, I placed. Then you fly off the wall and never come back. Usually readers appreciate subtle consistency, which I didn't notice till I read twice - but typically notice inconsistency with organizational theme first. It's human nature, we're critical. Thus a subtraction of one for technique.
Impact. Wham. If I were the darling placed in the situation, I would beg for your life. Remove the poison, desperately cling to whatever is left of this writer.
Overall, an excellent presentation of the subject matter, and one of the best pieces I've seen regarding matters of the heart, and love.
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Whilst I can't argue for or against anyone's style, I'd suggest a bit more specificity. Perhaps your second stanza is perfect and not awkward, and it is the first and last that need the work. I didn't quite understand what the point was - perhaps if the detail is added there, you can not only pull off fully-rhymed and structured stanzas but also your point. I'd concluded it was a lost love, a broken embrace. How wrong, was I. C'est la vie.
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Thank you for taking the time to provide such an in depth critique. It really is appreciated.
The intended vision is supposed to be abstract, though I do agree it could be more clear without undoing the need to think about it at least some. Her heart bursting represents her becoming pregnant, the balloon animal is her growing belly, and the poison is her ridding herself of the unwanted child. Her darling didn't agree with her actions.
Honestly, I generally prefer my prose to be poetic. Straight prose is far from being a talent that I possess. That, and the language and structure tends to bore me (as a writer, not a reader).
The second stanza does feel off, even to me. I just haven't figured a way to rewrite it as something else that would give the image I want. It's something I've thought about, but haven't quite come to a solution yet.
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