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Description
Breakdown

“Why don’t you want to go to Cornell?”
Because I’d rather go to University of Chicago.
“I don’t know.”

She sat on the floor of her attic, longing for peace, but alas, she couldn’t escape the noise floating in from below. All she wanted was to hear herself think again, but that seemed impossible, especially in her house.

“How come you never can concentrate on your schoolwork?”
Because in case you didn’t know, I have a million and one other things on my mind.
A heaved sigh and a shrug.

She didn’t know what was wrong with herself. One minute she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, the next she wanted to curl up in the corner and cry. She felt like she was losing her mind, and she couldn’t do a thing about it.

“How come you never tell us anything?”
Because I’m too worried over how you’ll react, or if you’ll even understand. I’ve lost too much already, why should I risk losing everything else?
Silence.

She held her head in her hands, trying not to shout out. So many thoughts that couldn’t be expressed, so many emotions kept bottled up inside. She tried to think to when she was fully satisfied with her life, with herself. It seemed too long ago. All the things that wanted to pour out of her banged against her mind and heart to be set free: her voice, her feelings, her sanity.
She lost control of everything, she felt. No longer could she do anything without judgment, or worse, forbiddance. Every freedom she cherished had been at least threatened.

“Why do you always go to that club? You never get recognized.”
It’s because I love being there. It’s not about the recognition.

“Why do you always stay after school?”
Because I have stuff to do and I like doing something with my life other than classes.

“Why do you like him? He’s ugly and you know his people don’t marry blacks. I don’t know why you’re settling for him.”
He’s not ugly, his mom doesn’t care about race, and I’m not settling! Can’t you see that I love him?

To all these she said nothing, and to all she got the same response:
“You are to stop. Never again.”

She shook as she remembered; her insides screamed as if possessed by demons. She thought of her silent compliance to all but one of the commands. The one thing she couldn’t let go of was probably the one thing that was holding her back from the Edge, the Edge whose menacing darkness beckoned to her. Losing herself in the life she followed, her spirit was being sucked from her, leaving her an empty shell. As the pain was being pushed back, the numbness was setting in. The anesthetized state made her seemingly invulnerable, but it slowly killed her self-identity. She barely knew who she was anymore and her purpose for being there.
She breathed deeply and tried to collect herself; soon she would have to go back downstairs and re-enter the real world. Still, she couldn’t go on like this, taking it little by little everyday, pushing it to the back of her mind, letting it erupt every once in a while, and then returning to the silence. She could either live like this until she left for college, which would still present some problems over time, or she could go down there and tell what was on her mind, what she really wanted to say. Holding back her tears, she prayed that somehow she would be released from this nightmare. That somehow He would save her from the uncertainties, from the insanity, from herself. Taking a final breath and fixing her face into a undecipherable state, she climbed down the ladder into her closet, opened the door, and stepped out of her room and down the stairs, where her mother was waiting to greet her.
“Why were you in your room so long? Were you trying to avoid me?”
Actually, I was having a nervous breakdown, and that tends to take up a lot of time.
“No, I was just tired.”
Not yet.

Description
Breakdown

“Why don’t you want to go to Cornell?”
Because I’d rather go to University of Chicago.
“I don’t know.”

She sat on the floor of her attic, longing for peace, but alas, she couldn’t escape the noise floating in from below. All she wanted was to hear herself think again, but that seemed impossible, especially in her house.

“How come you never can concentrate on your schoolwork?”
Because in case you didn’t know, I have a million and one other things on my mind.
A heaved sigh and a shrug.

She didn’t know what was wrong with herself. One minute she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, the next she wanted to curl up in the corner and cry. She felt like she was losing her mind, and she couldn’t do a thing about it.

“How come you never tell us anything?”
Because I’m too worried over how you’ll react, or if you’ll even understand. I’ve lost too much already, why should I risk losing everything else?
Silence.

She held her head in her hands, trying not to shout out. So many thoughts that couldn’t be expressed, so many emotions kept bottled up inside. She tried to think to when she was fully satisfied with her life, with herself. It seemed too long ago. All the things that wanted to pour out of her banged against her mind and heart to be set free: her voice, her feelings, her sanity.
She lost control of everything, she felt. No longer could she do anything without judgment, or worse, forbiddance. Every freedom she cherished had been at least threatened.

“Why do you always go to that club? You never get recognized.”
It’s because I love being there. It’s not about the recognition.

“Why do you always stay after school?”
Because I have stuff to do and I like doing something with my life other than classes.

“Why do you like him? He’s ugly and you know his people don’t marry blacks. I don’t know why you’re settling for him.”
He’s not ugly, his mom doesn’t care about race, and I’m not settling! Can’t you see that I love him?

To all these she said nothing, and to all she got the same response:
“You are to stop. Never again.”

She shook as she remembered; her insides screamed as if possessed by demons. She thought of her silent compliance to all but one of the commands. The one thing she couldn’t let go of was probably the one thing that was holding her back from the Edge, the Edge whose menacing darkness beckoned to her. Losing herself in the life she followed, her spirit was being sucked from her, leaving her an empty shell. As the pain was being pushed back, the numbness was setting in. The anesthetized state made her seemingly invulnerable, but it slowly killed her self-identity. She barely knew who she was anymore and her purpose for being there.
She breathed deeply and tried to collect herself; soon she would have to go back downstairs and re-enter the real world. Still, she couldn’t go on like this, taking it little by little everyday, pushing it to the back of her mind, letting it erupt every once in a while, and then returning to the silence. She could either live like this until she left for college, which would still present some problems over time, or she could go down there and tell what was on her mind, what she really wanted to say. Holding back her tears, she prayed that somehow she would be released from this nightmare. That somehow He would save her from the uncertainties, from the insanity, from herself. Taking a final breath and fixing her face into a undecipherable state, she climbed down the ladder into her closet, opened the door, and stepped out of her room and down the stairs, where her mother was waiting to greet her.
“Why were you in your room so long? Were you trying to avoid me?”
Actually, I was having a nervous breakdown, and that tends to take up a lot of time.
“No, I was just tired.”
Not yet.