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evilqueen112 — Sunset Moments
Published: 2012-04-25 17:20:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 932; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 0
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Ivan searched the empty streets for hours; he was just about to give up when he finally found who he was looking for. He walked over and stood behind Alfred silently, unsure of what to do next.  

Alfred didn't notice Ivan as he sat on the beach and stared out at the vast sea before him. He left the meeting early to go clear his head. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't push the thoughts of a certain Russian nation out of his mind. Was he imagining the lingering looks Ivan had been giving him lately? Just the thought of Ivan returning his feelings thrilled him and made his heart race. Yes, it had to be his imagination, Alfred assured himself. There was no way Ivan would ever feel that way about him. But the truth was, he had been thinking of nothing but Ivan lately. Alfred sighed frustratedly and lay back on the sand to stare up at the sky.

Ivan remained quiet, still unwilling to disturb Alfred's moment. Instead he watched the pull and push of the endless dance of the sea lapping against the beach. He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath savoring the mingling scents swirling in the briny ocean air.

Alfred heard the sharp intake of breath behind him, in an instant scrambled to his feet and came face to face with Ivan. The two locked eyes and quickly looked away before either one could notice the blush gracing their faces. Alfred's shock quickly melted into awkwardness as he tried to find his voice again. He gave Ivan a tiny nod and nervously asked, “Hey. What are you doing here?”

Ivan coughed and flashed Alfred a small smile, “I was looking for you. Do you mind if I join you?”

“Sure… I-I guess so” Alfred said then he couldn't help but smile in return, “Heh, It’s a free country.”

Ivan gave a small chuckle at the joke as the two of them sat down together on the beach, “Do you come here a lot?”

Alfred shrugged, “Only when I need to think.” and returned his gaze to the distant horizon. 

They sat together to watch the end of the day. The sun slowly sinking beyond the horizon with its crimson light staining the clouds as the sea glittered with the last few rays of the dying day. No more words passed between them as they watched the light fade, they didn’t need them. Their long history had been full of words. Angry words, desperate words, hurtful words... no this moment was not to be colored by words. Yesterday was already gone, and they were both more than ready to let it go. Today is only the light of the setting sun, the smell of the sea air, and the warm feel of each other’s hands, fingers now threaded together in a silent promise. The promise that tomorrow was going to be a whole new day.  

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Comments: 24

Sile0Enis [2012-04-29 04:41:20 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


I think this is good. On the whole your writing is pretty clean and easy to read.
I do have a couple critiques. I would say go in and see if you can take out any unnecessary words. In the first sentence for example: "Ivan had searched the empty streets for hours. The sun was setting as he walked passed the beach and finally found who he was looking for."
I would also suggest you pick either Alfred or Ivan and write from their point of view alone. With the way it's written now, I think that Alfred has the stronger voice and the greater sense of conflict. Which you don't quite get at this point. Personally I would like to see Alfred wanting to ask Ivan if he does like him or to consider acting on his feelings for Ivan but decide not to and then they just sit together.
I love the paragraph at the end (it's beautiful), where you talk about how they decide to say nothing because all through their relationship has been filled with words. This was a good story with a lot of potential. I wish it could be longer.

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evilqueen112 In reply to Sile0Enis [2012-04-29 05:03:59 +0000 UTC]

It was longer but, it's a contest entry that had to be 500 words or less.

I have a tendency to write my stories in this point of view because I like jumping into the different characters heads so I can tell each character's perspective, but I see your point about that causing it to lose impact that way.

Hmmm... I should do an exercise or two of writing in different points of view just to feel it out. Thanks so much for the review and the help!

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Sile0Enis In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-29 05:29:16 +0000 UTC]

Yes, I saw that you mentioned that it was just under the word length. It's a shame that the length was so short. In any case, it was a pleasure to read, I wish it was longer.

Switching POVs is not bad, but switching them abruptly in a story like that with no clear demarcation of a change can be somewhat jarring to a reader (I've noticed that with my own work). I think you did both POV's fairly well, I just think the story would have had greater emotional impact with just being in America's POV.

Practice never hurts. Keep up the good work. I'm glad I could help.

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Trynka-Trynka [2012-05-02 18:46:14 +0000 UTC]

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melwsome [2012-04-29 01:12:11 +0000 UTC]

awwwawawawwa it soo cute!

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evilqueen112 In reply to melwsome [2012-05-01 04:25:52 +0000 UTC]

YaY. I'm so happy you like it!! XD

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IbiteU [2012-04-26 12:11:47 +0000 UTC]

I entered too so wish you luck! (I can't believe the skill of some of the other particiants!)

This is brilliant, and sweet, two awesome ingrediants you have there, I hoe you get through

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evilqueen112 In reply to IbiteU [2012-04-26 19:34:58 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much! I try my best but I still don't have much confidence in the result all the time. Good luck to you too.

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IbiteU In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-27 06:31:29 +0000 UTC]

Well if people comment than I consider that a victory

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evilqueen112 In reply to IbiteU [2012-04-27 18:47:23 +0000 UTC]

Getting to meet people through my derpy writing is what it's all about. I actually only showed up on this website for my fanfiction I was writing then I got caught up in the whole DA community thing.

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IbiteU In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-27 23:05:28 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, you make some great friends on here, don't you? So am I, I have little bits and pieces everywhere but you know, my writing is my pasion and what I consider my art.

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evilqueen112 In reply to IbiteU [2012-04-28 00:09:26 +0000 UTC]

I started off with fanfiction, then posted my photography cause my page was looking lonely, then I got mixed up with the groups, then I got tapped to RP as America for now I'm on every night with a bunch of people as nutty as I am. We RP, have movie night on livestream, hang out on tinychat once in awhile. It's almost like I have a social life now!!

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IbiteU In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-28 00:24:15 +0000 UTC]

Hahaha, so you're the hero? Myslef and a friend go on fb and will rnadomly switch into France and England, so like rp.

So fun to find people like you on here. That sounds really cool and interesting to do, and how would you watch a movie over livestream

All my friend son here are close, I love talking to them and having a social life with them as well as my real life, I can laugh and talk about them to my real friends, and then laugh and talk about my real friends to my DA ones...

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evilqueen112 In reply to IbiteU [2012-04-28 00:32:24 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, what can I say, I was an America fan from the start. That's what got me to write my fanfiction, which is what brought me here to DA from Fanfiction.net.

One of us plays the movie and broadcasts it on livestream instead of drawing. We do that about once a week. Some nights we just never stop laughing.

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IbiteU In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-28 00:39:25 +0000 UTC]

Ohhhhhhh that seems fun! You never can when you're in good company! XD

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Freedom-is-pricy [2012-04-25 23:33:21 +0000 UTC]

you quitted Born Free?!??!?!

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evilqueen112 In reply to Freedom-is-pricy [2012-04-25 23:38:16 +0000 UTC]

Nooo I didn't but I have had some issues with continuing. I will actually work on finishing the chapter later tonight, this fanfic challenged kinda got me kick started again.

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Freedom-is-pricy In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-27 00:50:30 +0000 UTC]

Ohhhhhh cool, then

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evilqueen112 In reply to Freedom-is-pricy [2012-04-27 18:51:25 +0000 UTC]

I have the next chapter half written out. I just need to finish it now. I should have it running again in a bit.

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Freedom-is-pricy In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-27 22:21:13 +0000 UTC]

Yay!!!!

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evilqueen112 In reply to Freedom-is-pricy [2012-04-28 00:10:14 +0000 UTC]

I have two solid pages. I just need to add a bit more, they're leaving Xenia's house and it won't be long before they head into some real trouble.... and Mattie.

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Freedom-is-pricy In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-04-28 20:19:00 +0000 UTC]

Woot! Finally leaving Xenia...... and trouble with who?

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evilqueen112 In reply to Freedom-is-pricy [2012-05-01 04:27:34 +0000 UTC]

Weeellll you see, Michaovich is unhappy with the soldiers defecting to the other side ssoooo he's been rounding up their families and taking them to camps and Ivan and Alfred are going to have to fight their way though some stuff.

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Freedom-is-pricy In reply to evilqueen112 [2012-05-05 17:10:46 +0000 UTC]

Oh... wow... Camps sucks
this gets more exciting the more i hear about it!!

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