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fanatic6 — Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
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Published: 2006-12-05 21:19:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 158; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Cast:LORRAINE: The “responsible” adult figure/mother
SARAH: The perky sorority girl older sister
ERICA: The whiny emo sister who gets blamed for everything
JOHNNY: The naive twelve-year-old who somehow still believes in Santa
JOANNE: The happy-go-lucky aunt who is oblivious to everything
FRANK: The uncle who is rarely not inebriated
JESSICA: Perky sorority girl cousin who does little but twitter about college life with SARAH
STEVEN: Sullen, quiet cousin who rarely says anything at all
[Open to LORRAINE, SARAH, ERICA, and JOHNNY standing on a highly decorated doorstep. ERICA is holding a large tray of cookies, and is dressed all in black. LORRAINE is berating the children, although JOHNNY is too busy playing with a toy to notice. SARAH is holding a large Christmas package and does not appear to feel the cold despite her short skirt and low-cut blouse.]
LORRAINE: [knocks impatiently] You just HAD to program your iPod, didn't you Erica? Well, it's your fault we're late. I hope you're not hungry because I'm sure they ate without us.
ERICA: I did have to program my iPod! It's all I have to occupy myself since the only attention I ever get around you people is from the dog. And are you sure this has nothing to do with Sarah spending three hours getting dressed?
SARAH: Stop being such a spoiled brat. Don't take it out on me that no one likes you.
[SARAH and ERICA start arguing at the same time.]
ERICA: The entire world doesn't revolve around your HAIR-
SARAH: I HAVE to look good! You certainly don't-
ERICA: Just because I don't dress like a hooker on Halloween-
SARAH: At least I'm attractive!
ERICA: The second I turn eighteen I am OUT OF HERE!
LORRAINE: Stop it! Both of you! We do not need a repeat of last year's fiasco! You should be ashamed! One word out of either of you and so help me God...
[door opens]
LORRAINE: [falsely happy and high-pitched] Hi! We're so happy to be here! How are you Joanne?
JOANNE: [same tone, only sincere] I'm great! Merry Christmas! It's a shame there's no snow.
LORRAINE: [same singsong voice] Are you kidding me? The roads were perfectly clear the entire drive here. I think this global warming thing might not be too bad!
[laughter]
ERICA: Unless you're a polar bear.
[Laughter stops. Everyone walks inside and glares at ERICA.]
JOANNE: Well, you guys are right on time! We were just about to eat! I hope you like turkey!
ERICA: Only if it came out of a tofu egg. I'm a vegan, remember?
[JESSICA enters. SARAH begins to shriek loudly while JESSICA giggles and jumps up and down. They are wearing the exact same outfit. Everyone else covers their ears.
JESSICA: Oh. My. God. You look amazing!
SARAH: So do you!
JESSICA: Shut up no I don't! I went on a crazy bender with the Alpha Gamma Kappa girls before I left! We did Jell-O shots until four in the morning! It was amazing!
SARAH: I know! I did keg stands with Omega Nu for an hour straight! I woke up on a whale watching boat in the middle of Cape Cod!
JESSICA: [confused] I thought you went to school in Boston.
SARAH: I do! [laughs]
LORRAINE: Wow... I envy the opportunities young women get today.
JOANNE: Who's ready to eat?
[everyone sits at dinner table and begins to serve food]
LORRAINE: Eat your turkey Erica.
ERICA: [sighs loudly] No thank you.
JOHNNY: [excited] Guess what Santa brought me?! An iDog! I can't wait to try it out. It dances and plays music and barks and everything!It even connects to an iPod and plays the music on it!
FRANK: [slurred] I don't like that Santa feller. Goin' 'round breakin' into people's houses... IT AIN'T AMERICAN! IT JUST AIN'T AMERICAN!
JOANNE: Have some carrots, dear.
FRANK: CARROTS ARE FOR COMMUNISTS! Pass me the corn, woman!
STEVEN: Can someone pass the potatoes?
LORRAINE: Steven! I didn't see you come in!
STEVEN: That was the point.
JOHNNY: Hey Steven! Hey Steven! Steve! Stevey! Did you see the iDog Santa brought me?
STEVEN: Yes, Johnny. I saw it.
JOHNNY: Hey Stevey! Did you see that basketball game? Did you? It was pretty cool.
STEVEN: For the eightieth time Johnny, just because I am the only other guy cousin does not mean I like sports. I don't. Unless you know anything about real-time RPG video games, I am not interested. And aren't you a little old to believe in Santa?
JOHNNY: I'm twelve! Twelve! And Santa does exist. HE DOES!
JOANNE: Of course he does dear. Steven, be nice to your cousin.
LORRAINE: [standing up] I think we should make a toast, to mom's memory. I think we all know why the song, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is tragically relevant this year. [sits down and begins to cry]
ERICA: [laughs] I'm sorry. [laughs again] That's just so... [laughter] hilarious! [uncontrolled laughter]
JOANNE: [comforting LORRAINE who has begun to cry harder] It's alright dear. She's young. I'm sure she won't go to Hell.
[Later that night, everyone is sitting in the living room talking. SARAH and JESSICA sit on the couch gossiping and giggling, JOHNNY and STEVEN sit on the floor nearby. JOHNNY is talking about basketball and STEVEN looks miserable. FRANK is asleep at the table, beer in hand. JOANNE and LORRAINE are sitting on a couch opposite SARAH and JESSICA. ERICA is solemnly listening to her iPod in a recliner nearby.]
SARAH: ...and that's when I said, “I HAVE to look good! You certainly don't!”
JESSICA: Wow! You are so smart! [giggles]
JOHNNY: Hey Steven! Steve! Do you want to see my iDog dance? It dances! Wanna see?
STEVEN: Not really.
JOHNNY: It's really cool! Let me show you! [stands up and takes ERICA's iPod, plugging it in]
ERICA: Hey! Don't play that!
[iDog begins playing t.A.T.u. song “She Loves Me Not”]
iDOG: [dancing and playing music] Now I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not...
ERICA: [putting her head in her hands] Oh, good Lord.
LORRAINE: [embarrassed] Oh, good Lord. Johnny, give your sister her iPod.
JOANNE: Okay, maybe you were right Lorraine. She is going to Hell.
SARAH: [handing JESSICA money] Okay, maybe you were right Jessica. She is.
JESSICA: See? I told you, I know these things. I watch “The L Word” on Showtime.
ERICA: I'm getting really sick of all this Christmas cheer. [gets up and stomps away angrily]
STEVEN: Wow... that was awkward.
FRANK: [half sleeping, from the table] Damn Yankees... think they're all high an' mighty, do they? Well, this oughta show 'em... [snores]
JESSICA: Well, that's just silly! Everyone knows the Yankees weren't even in the World Series!
JOHNNY: Speaking of baseball, did you hear about Berry Bonds? Steven?
STEVEN: I give up! [stands up and leaves the room]
JOHNNY: Stevey? Where are you going Stevey?! [stands up and follows STEVEN]
SARAH: Oh my God Jessica! I almost forgot! I brought you a present!
JESSICA: No way! You didn't have to!
SARAH: Yes I did! Here! [hands package to JESSICA]
JESSICA: [opening box] A beer funnel! That is so sweet! I just lost mine at a keg party last week!
SARAH: Let's go break it in, shall we?
JESSICA: Totally! [stands up and leaves arm-in-arm with SARAH]
LORRAINE: Isn't that sweet?
JOANNE: Yeah. [sighs] Well, those dishes aren't going to do themselves. [stands up]
LORRAINE: I'll help. [stands up and leaves with JOANNE]
ERICA: [looks into room cautiously and sighs in relief] They're gone. Maybe now I can finally get some peace for Christmas. I think some chocolate is long overdue... [begins to eat candy bar]
SARAH: [re-enters room, appears to be looking for something, sees ERICA] I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
ERICA: [stopping mid-bite] And why not?
SARAH: I'm not the only one who's noticed you've put a few pounds. You should lay off the candy.
ERICA: [scoffing] So just because I like chocolate, I'm fat?! AT LEAST I'M NOT ANOREXIC!
SARAH: [arguing] I'M WAY MORE GOOD LOOKING THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!
[The two girls exit, still bickering. Lights dim. End scene.]
