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feed-me-tears — castle of lies
Published: 2004-10-05 10:32:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 100; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description Castles made of hate
Upon foundations built of lies
The world in so much pain
Yet the smiles disguise the cries

Illuminated in darkness
By the glimpses of light
The girl lies broken
From the pain of the fight

She struggles, fighting herself
The person she wants to be
Not the person that she is
Is struggling to get free

In these false perceptions
She falls, losing her grip
For now her castles shrink
Their walls begin to slip

Slipping away into purity
Into a world of reality
No one lives there though
All stuck in worlds of superficiality
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Comments: 11

seaofconfusion [2004-10-28 01:20:27 +0000 UTC]

Hey, thought you mite want some helpful? criticism...

Not the person that she is
Is struggling to get free

You shouldn't have the extra Is in there...it cuts off the flow of things a little...

Also the last stanza does the same...the rhythm is broken coz of 'superficiality' coz it's such a long word...and it's more literal than the rest of the stanzas...

basic concept and rhyming is very good tho... good job!

~Kimba

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

feed-me-tears In reply to seaofconfusion [2004-10-28 02:31:10 +0000 UTC]

thank you its good to get some helpful criticism
luv

megz
xoxo

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Dif-kind-of-luv-song [2004-10-09 23:43:24 +0000 UTC]

wwooww awesome poem! luv the theme. very visual

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

feed-me-tears In reply to Dif-kind-of-luv-song [2004-10-11 02:11:57 +0000 UTC]

thanks
luv

megz
xoxo

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Aidz [2004-10-08 11:44:46 +0000 UTC]

wow megan thats awesome you are really good at these. keep it up

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

feed-me-tears In reply to Aidz [2004-10-10 09:16:51 +0000 UTC]

ahhahah not really but thanks anywayz
luv

megz
xoox

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

esion [2004-10-05 11:20:26 +0000 UTC]

and its true.

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seryon-x [2004-10-05 11:13:42 +0000 UTC]

this is great, captured your thoughts superbly with this Great work mate

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

feed-me-tears In reply to seryon-x [2004-10-06 05:07:35 +0000 UTC]

thanks so much but i need critizism to help it get betta
luv

megz
xoxo

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Sayn [2004-10-05 10:50:09 +0000 UTC]

megan this is awsome ay... its inspired me to write some stuff as well thankz talk to u tomorrow

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

feed-me-tears In reply to Sayn [2004-10-06 05:06:46 +0000 UTC]

thanks sweetie its pretty bad i just wanted to get the concept down glad it helped u
luv

megz
xoxo

👍: 0 ⏩: 0