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festivemanb — Song
Published: 2003-11-12 15:58:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 90; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 19
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Description
To her of blossoming eyes,Of fire, of flutter.
To her of memory, of wind.
All the autumn trees
slip their greenery for you.
All the cruel fallow buds
break their skin for you.
To her girdled by sea
Of span, of stretch, of telephone wires.
To her of memory, to her of flesh.
Yours is the summer’s toil
the swelter, the boil, the fold
And yours is the winters cold,
and yours is the winter’s cold.
Comments: 4
The "to her of" is just distracting and makes you trip over the words when you read it, it would flow so much better without it. The repition of the last line is just not neccesary, it doesn't do much for effect, even with the apostrophe. The telephone wires don't go with the other subject matter, it seems too modern for this poem, unless I was missing something with the meaning. "All the cruel fallow buds
break their skin for you." These are the two best lines, I really like this image so much. Overall nice poem, just needs a few minor editorial touch ups.
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I think that I simlpy need to make the meaning of the poem more explicit. It is, by the way, about talking a close friend in Australia. Thus the girdled sea and telephone wires. I think that I must also impose some form of meter on this peice, if there isn't some unofficial meter imposed on it already.
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the use of parallel lines is excellent. the whole first stanzas. yes. good.
the rhyme was nice, i generally prefer slant more so than end but it was all subtle and didn't dictate the poem which is good.
I'm unsure of the ending.
though i do like the repetition...eh - scratch that, it's a fine ending. but i will say the first stanzas did more to grab me than the second.
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