Deeborm In reply to FlipperBoidSkua [2013-05-21 08:31:09 +0000 UTC]
Oh I am just now seeing this!
It's no problem if you don't manage to respond. As long as I am somehow helpful, that's good enough for me.
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Deeborm [2013-05-14 06:09:36 +0000 UTC]
"That bloodcurdling cry still echoed through the forest with no sign of stopping."
'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-'
"Shedinjas weren't particularly speedy Pokemon, but that was irrelevant"
Pft. That's what I'll say next time I have to run someplace.
'My physical speed is irrelevant. So go faster, stupid meatbag'
"He couldn't comprehend why this was happening to him! He's done nothing wrong and actively goes out of his way to be kind and helpful."
What, did you think nice things happen to nice people?
Yeah hopefully you've learned your lesson.
"He eventually spotted movement in his peripheral vision"
Yeah I don't care how he saw them
"smirking with their own snarls."
what
"Practically shivering,"
But not actually shivering
"knowing full well that the Bug/Ghost was at a severe disadvantage"
'Give up! Your EVs are far lower than ours'
Shows what they know. For all their game knowledge, they get wrecked by a move called I'm Gonna Eat Your Soul which is definitely banned in tournament play.
Kite's Plight is kind of sad but they totally had it coming, so w/e
"from red to green"
'TRAFFIC LIGHT ATTACK'
"an endless barrage of X-Scissor."
Hey that's a lot of X-Scissor
"Gizmo was a trouble-maker, but despite his words of bluster spoken earlier, he was no cold-blooded murderer."
Ah, the secret is revealed: Gizmo is a stone-cold idiot
"her exhaustion from the previous battle having nothing to do with the soft tone"
Feels like there should be a quicker way to word this
"If the Shedinja had blood, there would be no doubt that it would be pouring into a large pool beneath him."
Okay you probably don't need this, it's pretty clear that Void's messed up
"For once, he held no animosity for anyone"
Perfect time to snap his neck! Do it Aura, do it!
"I...I-I think he's...he's... dead..."
'Well, moreso than usual'
"her true thoughts of Void's fate"
What, is she a Ghost/Bug doctor?
"after what felt like an eternity"
Naw you already used eternity once this chapter. There's a cooldown time for this stuff, you know
"G... Giz... mo...?"
'So this is Hell, then'
"buried his face into Void's torn body"
'ow'
"He wasn't even making sense anymore..."
Good! He's already back to normal!
"His halo dimmed a bit before flashing, as if the Shedinja was making a point of not leaving this world without a fight."
Aw, c'mon! Did he only wake up to do a Speech Followed By Dramatically Dying In Relative's Arms?
Cut it out, Void.
"The vibe of superiority was never there and it was just in his mind... and now his brother was paying the price."
I'm starting to wonder what Aura is doing.
Is she going to get paid, or what?
"And even my... rash decision to have you banished... was, in the end, for your own good..."
Stupid runs in the family.
I take it back. Go on, Void! Run to the light!
"Think about what you're doing... before you do it... "
'I dunno that sounds tough'
"And you will be right by me the whole way through!"
Well if you start saying things like THAT you basically guarantee he's going to die within the next minute.
You need to read more books, Gizmo.
"glancing at Aura in a panic"
'Hey don't look at ME!'
"Ghost-type Pokemon can't die!"
Ghosts...
don't...
die!
Heh heh heh!
Can you get out of here...ALIV-
*cough* *cough*
Sorry about that. Just having a flashback
"Luckily, Void found the strength to explain."
'Okay I'm going to put off dying just long enough for a biology lesson so you better listen close'
"Silence blanketed over them"
Again?
Then they bro it up for a while and it is sad
"blinked on and off"
Like on a police car! Wee-ooo-wee-ooo-wee-ooo
"The dulled halo then fell to the ground with a soft thump."
Hey, free halo!
"V-Void?"
I suspect Void might be a bit wounded, actually
"everything around him disappearing into the very corners of his mind"
'Hello? Gizmo?
I'm... not going to get paid for this one, am I.
Tell you what, I'll just go. Okay? Okay. *'port*'
Final Thoughts:
Hmmmmm. Not too bad.
Story is solid, though it suffers from a few oddities.
Biggest problem is how our main character disappears completely at the end of the first chapter.
What happens with Team Ethereal, eh??
anyways I hope all the words I put here will be of use to you somehow. poof i am gone
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