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Description
I believe I am going mad. I’ve been going mad for quite a while now, I can’t tell you exactly how long, at least not in the physical sense.

I remember this whole business started with the rise of man. I remember the day God showed his newest creation to us, it was beautiful. I looked down on Gods creation and I saw a young species I could help grow. I loved Adam and Eve. The only time I've ever felt greater love was... well you know... I can’t say that name out loud, it’s too painful. But the point is when I saw man I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted to teach them, to help them grow. I wanted them to see God as I saw him. You should know what I’m talking about, well those of you with a younger brother or sister. When they are a baby you talked about how you were going to show them this or teach them such and such. It’s the same thing really.

It was never going to last. It wasn’t long before the relationship between some of the other angels, me and the humans became strained. The main problem was we started to wonder what our place was in this new creation. With humans around what did the almighty need us for? You should see how he looks at you. When God looks at his creation there is so much love in his eyes. Let me tell you what hurt, what hurt was when we saw the look in God’s eyes that expressed how much he loved you for the first time that was the first time we had seen that look in his face. When I saw that look it struck me that he may never love me like he loved you. Many claim it was my arrogance that started the war in heaven or my refusal to accept the rule of man. They are wrong. It was indeed Gods proclamation that man would be a creation above us that was the trigger of the war but it wasn’t what it was all about. I doubt a human would ever try to “rule” an angel, those of you who believe look up to us, aspire to be like us. No the rule of man was unacceptable to me because it was sign that God no longer loved us like he did. He had created us and loved us but now humanity had come along he seemed to have no more purpose for us. We had been used and cast aside. Do you know what its like to see the most important person in your existence love someone and wish that someone was you? It is not a good feeling, I don’t like it. In fact I loathe it.

And now we come to the war in heaven. Contrary to what people believe I told no lies to get other angels on my side. I didn’t have to. They knew what they were doing and they knew what I wanted to do, any burden they carry is the burden they made for themselves. I accept no responsibility; I deserve no responsibility apart from for those actions which are my own.

When people talk of the war in heaven they never mention specific battles and no one wonders why. That’s because it was a confrontation of a spiritual nature, souls clashed not swords or banners. It is called the war in heaven because it makes it easier for your simple human minds to comprehend. I never understood why he made your thinking so limited; you seem incapable of understanding even the most laughably simple concepts. Take the idea of a God existing without a definite creation point. So many of you struggle with that point yet to us it is so simple it almost isn’t worth talking about.

Looking back on it I’m surprised the war lasted as long as it did. God created all that there is and all that there is exists because of God. When I think of this my surprise turns to fear. Why would God let the war drag out of if he could have ended it sooner? Was I playing directly into some sort of plan? My next move was to destroy Eden. This was not the act of a jealous lover scorned. By destroying Eden I hoped to make a free choice. An act that was something I did that could never be part of Gods plan. And for a while I thought it had worked. I patted myself on the back as I saw God empty the garden he had made and I laughed in delight as I watched water fall from the sky. Yet something puzzled me. I received no great punishment. Why would I not receive any great punishment? The only answer I could think of was that my great act of independence had failed; somehow I had played into God’s hands again. This was proved correct by how man has reacted to exile from paradise. By getting you forced into an imperfect world I have unlocked your potential to be good by choice, not because it was convenient or easy but because it was the right thing to do. You show this all the time in the worst circumstances imaginable even the worst man can reveal a spark of the divine. By leaving Eden you have become perhaps the greatest part of creation. I hate you so much. You should be ruined, you should be defeated, and YOU SHOULD BE ON YOUR KNEES. But you have proved God right and shown me a view of me that I am not at all satisfied with. I tried to be truly independent of the word but in the end I changed nothing, almost as if I hadn’t stopped doing his work.

And so we come to my domain. Now is the time to talk of the fires of perdition. I have tried ruling hell as best as I can. As the most powerful person trapped there it makes sense that I should try to make order out of the fire and chaos. I can see you raising your eyebrow at me; maybe I should burn it off. Don’t judge me YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. Have you ever been to hell human? Do you know what I have to work with? I try so hard to make it a good place. To show God that I can work with humans, I am above petty bitterness and I wish to forge a creation where no one is above anyone. But the hard earth cracks their skin, the flesh burns their souls and no nourishment can be found from the water or the wheat, only pain. And the people cry and I try helping them but anything I do merely causes them more pain. My heart bleeds but there is nothing I can do. WHY CAN’T I STOP THEM SCREAMING? And in the end I start to cause pain because I want to, because these sinners deserve it, because I can’t stop their suffering and I need something, anything to block out the screaming. I’m hurt inside and there is nothing that will ever fix that.

I even tried making it up to God. I tried helping the son of the most high. I loved that man. He combined everything that was greatest about humanity with everything most divine. I knew I had to help him. He was clearly not living to the potential he had.

“Turn stone into bread” I tell him “you need to eat, why not take food from stone?!” when he refused this I tried again. I offered my help in full. I wanted to work with him to make all nations bow at his feet. Then we could have man live up to their purpose, and then God would see my love. Of course he rejected me and history will tell you I demanded he worship me. Maybe I did, sometimes I just don’t know anymore. Lastly I said he should just jump off a building. Prove who he was with an angelic host. He refused me again and I left once more bitter. What was wrong with him? Why would he not accept my help? I was trying to make amends WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I tried once more to reach out to the son of man.
“Do not do this” I tell him. But he would not let me safe him, he wouldn’t even save himself. I watched him die on the cross and I wept. He wouldn’t even let me take the pain away.

I feel trapped. Why does God not destroy me? Why does all good I try to do turn to ash in my hands and turn against me? God could destroy me. It would be an easy matter for the word to unmake my existence. He has just cause to destroy me, all my defiance, all my scheming. Yet he leaves me. I constantly expect him to be rid of me at any moment. It’s agony. I’m not proud at rebelling; I just wanted him to look at me. And I have tried to close the gap between us. But all my efforts are in vain is it something wrong with me? Where am I going wrong? Why is it that when I try to establish a creation for God in hell I only see pain growing from my efforts? Why is it when I tried helping the son of man he turned me away? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

I believe I am going mad. I am in hell. I do not want to stay committed to my current course but I do not know how to change. I cannot see my mistakes and therefore I cannot act on them. I want to return to God’s light but I’m lost in the darkness. I haven’t heard the word in millennia.

I am alone.

Description
I believe I am going mad. I’ve been going mad for quite a while now, I can’t tell you exactly how long, at least not in the physical sense.

I remember this whole business started with the rise of man. I remember the day God showed his newest creation to us, it was beautiful. I looked down on Gods creation and I saw a young species I could help grow. I loved Adam and Eve. The only time I've ever felt greater love was... well you know... I can’t say that name out loud, it’s too painful. But the point is when I saw man I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted to teach them, to help them grow. I wanted them to see God as I saw him. You should know what I’m talking about, well those of you with a younger brother or sister. When they are a baby you talked about how you were going to show them this or teach them such and such. It’s the same thing really.

It was never going to last. It wasn’t long before the relationship between some of the other angels, me and the humans became strained. The main problem was we started to wonder what our place was in this new creation. With humans around what did the almighty need us for? You should see how he looks at you. When God looks at his creation there is so much love in his eyes. Let me tell you what hurt, what hurt was when we saw the look in God’s eyes that expressed how much he loved you for the first time that was the first time we had seen that look in his face. When I saw that look it struck me that he may never love me like he loved you. Many claim it was my arrogance that started the war in heaven or my refusal to accept the rule of man. They are wrong. It was indeed Gods proclamation that man would be a creation above us that was the trigger of the war but it wasn’t what it was all about. I doubt a human would ever try to “rule” an angel, those of you who believe look up to us, aspire to be like us. No the rule of man was unacceptable to me because it was sign that God no longer loved us like he did. He had created us and loved us but now humanity had come along he seemed to have no more purpose for us. We had been used and cast aside. Do you know what its like to see the most important person in your existence love someone and wish that someone was you? It is not a good feeling, I don’t like it. In fact I loathe it.

And now we come to the war in heaven. Contrary to what people believe I told no lies to get other angels on my side. I didn’t have to. They knew what they were doing and they knew what I wanted to do, any burden they carry is the burden they made for themselves. I accept no responsibility; I deserve no responsibility apart from for those actions which are my own.

When people talk of the war in heaven they never mention specific battles and no one wonders why. That’s because it was a confrontation of a spiritual nature, souls clashed not swords or banners. It is called the war in heaven because it makes it easier for your simple human minds to comprehend. I never understood why he made your thinking so limited; you seem incapable of understanding even the most laughably simple concepts. Take the idea of a God existing without a definite creation point. So many of you struggle with that point yet to us it is so simple it almost isn’t worth talking about.

Looking back on it I’m surprised the war lasted as long as it did. God created all that there is and all that there is exists because of God. When I think of this my surprise turns to fear. Why would God let the war drag out of if he could have ended it sooner? Was I playing directly into some sort of plan? My next move was to destroy Eden. This was not the act of a jealous lover scorned. By destroying Eden I hoped to make a free choice. An act that was something I did that could never be part of Gods plan. And for a while I thought it had worked. I patted myself on the back as I saw God empty the garden he had made and I laughed in delight as I watched water fall from the sky. Yet something puzzled me. I received no great punishment. Why would I not receive any great punishment? The only answer I could think of was that my great act of independence had failed; somehow I had played into God’s hands again. This was proved correct by how man has reacted to exile from paradise. By getting you forced into an imperfect world I have unlocked your potential to be good by choice, not because it was convenient or easy but because it was the right thing to do. You show this all the time in the worst circumstances imaginable even the worst man can reveal a spark of the divine. By leaving Eden you have become perhaps the greatest part of creation. I hate you so much. You should be ruined, you should be defeated, and YOU SHOULD BE ON YOUR KNEES. But you have proved God right and shown me a view of me that I am not at all satisfied with. I tried to be truly independent of the word but in the end I changed nothing, almost as if I hadn’t stopped doing his work.

And so we come to my domain. Now is the time to talk of the fires of perdition. I have tried ruling hell as best as I can. As the most powerful person trapped there it makes sense that I should try to make order out of the fire and chaos. I can see you raising your eyebrow at me; maybe I should burn it off. Don’t judge me YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. Have you ever been to hell human? Do you know what I have to work with? I try so hard to make it a good place. To show God that I can work with humans, I am above petty bitterness and I wish to forge a creation where no one is above anyone. But the hard earth cracks their skin, the flesh burns their souls and no nourishment can be found from the water or the wheat, only pain. And the people cry and I try helping them but anything I do merely causes them more pain. My heart bleeds but there is nothing I can do. WHY CAN’T I STOP THEM SCREAMING? And in the end I start to cause pain because I want to, because these sinners deserve it, because I can’t stop their suffering and I need something, anything to block out the screaming. I’m hurt inside and there is nothing that will ever fix that.

I even tried making it up to God. I tried helping the son of the most high. I loved that man. He combined everything that was greatest about humanity with everything most divine. I knew I had to help him. He was clearly not living to the potential he had.

“Turn stone into bread” I tell him “you need to eat, why not take food from stone?!” when he refused this I tried again. I offered my help in full. I wanted to work with him to make all nations bow at his feet. Then we could have man live up to their purpose, and then God would see my love. Of course he rejected me and history will tell you I demanded he worship me. Maybe I did, sometimes I just don’t know anymore. Lastly I said he should just jump off a building. Prove who he was with an angelic host. He refused me again and I left once more bitter. What was wrong with him? Why would he not accept my help? I was trying to make amends WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I tried once more to reach out to the son of man.
“Do not do this” I tell him. But he would not let me safe him, he wouldn’t even save himself. I watched him die on the cross and I wept. He wouldn’t even let me take the pain away.

I feel trapped. Why does God not destroy me? Why does all good I try to do turn to ash in my hands and turn against me? God could destroy me. It would be an easy matter for the word to unmake my existence. He has just cause to destroy me, all my defiance, all my scheming. Yet he leaves me. I constantly expect him to be rid of me at any moment. It’s agony. I’m not proud at rebelling; I just wanted him to look at me. And I have tried to close the gap between us. But all my efforts are in vain is it something wrong with me? Where am I going wrong? Why is it that when I try to establish a creation for God in hell I only see pain growing from my efforts? Why is it when I tried helping the son of man he turned me away? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

I believe I am going mad. I am in hell. I do not want to stay committed to my current course but I do not know how to change. I cannot see my mistakes and therefore I cannot act on them. I want to return to God’s light but I’m lost in the darkness. I haven’t heard the word in millennia.

I am alone.