Comments: 33
GalaxyGoddess In reply to DamonWakes [2015-10-18 23:35:46 +0000 UTC]
I edited and clarified the scene. I hope this reads better.
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DamonWakes In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2015-10-19 10:38:52 +0000 UTC]
I'm afraid it's been long enough since I originally read through that I can't identify the change, but I'm definitely not seeing the same ambiguity I brought up in the comments before, so I figure this must do the job.
One other thing popped up as I was reading through, by the way: at one point you've got "student's handwriting" where I think you need "students' handwriting." It sounds as though the teacher is talking about all her students, rather than one specifically, so the apostrophe would go after the "s."
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to DamonWakes [2012-10-15 21:48:43 +0000 UTC]
Lol, I had a feeling that most people would read a couple of sentences, slam their head on the table and walk away. But unfortunately, it had to be done the way I did it.
I'm hearing the comments on the scissors, and I kind of wanted people to either go straight back to that, or wonder where it came from. Regina herself is confused as to why they magically appeared on the desk as it were. One of those shocking things you don't think about until it happened. I will try to be clearer in the future though!
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to DamonWakes [2012-10-16 15:18:13 +0000 UTC]
You have a very valid point with the word "handle". I think in my mind I was reading it as "the handle of the scissors". Since scissors is plural, handle would be sigular.
But as a writer, I'm seeing the scene I displayed in my head, and as a reader, few can see the exact same image.
I'm going to give that some thought and see how I should re-write it a little.
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to DamonWakes [2012-10-17 00:46:49 +0000 UTC]
I've always heard it as "hand me those scissors by the handle, please." etc, etc. I guess it's just the way it's always been pronounced to me. Granted, now that I'm thinking entirely too hard on the subject, the word handle just seems weird to me. Like, in general.
See, this is one of the dangers of the internet, too much random knowledge derails you! hahaha
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ResidentNobody [2012-10-12 13:16:44 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is great. Right away I disliked Regina (I'm not a fan of the snob syndrome going around most of my generation, what that is and its implications is another story), but I'm not sure if you meant for that. It's probably just me being biased, so my bad. I'm trying my best not to sound harsh right now, but I still want to give my opinion.
But when you broke her, I can't say I felt sympathetic but more like shocked. I love stories like this, when a strong twist at the end makes you look back over it again to find out the subtle hints. Regina's world was too perfect to be real, that much I caught before the end but it still is surprising how she snaps and breaks, I expected her world to be fake but not like that! I also want to compliment you on the style, with a story like this I would be wary of the first person but you pull it off seamlessly while using it to grow Regina and my "relationship" with her.
Overall, very well done.
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to ResidentNobody [2012-10-12 16:32:02 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
To be honest, yes, Regina is a snob. She just doesn't think she is, in her own head. In her own head, she's so far above everyone else, that she's perfectly perfect, but "is so modest and nice to those beneath her", making her a good person in her own head. But in realty, a place she doesn't like to visit, she's no better than anyone else. I tried really hard to make her "snobby modest" so I'm very glad you noticed it!
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Siartha [2012-10-11 01:18:52 +0000 UTC]
This is really amazing. I actually felt bad for Regina in the end, because she is a girl, so traumatized that she recedes into her own mind and creates a new world. In my opinion, I think the reader might have relished Regina's downfall more if she was actually a Mary-Sue character in a fanfiction, and not a perfect girl in life. But you might have a reason for that, that I missed. All in all, very creative and great job!
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Siartha [2012-10-11 02:14:53 +0000 UTC]
I debated doing a fan fic based Mary sue, but I decided against it for several reasons.
Regina created her own world around her and in a way she was the star of her own personal fanfiction.
I also didn't necessarily want the reader to desire her demise, but to go back and question what could be real and what was only in Regina's precious fantasy world.
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Siartha In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2012-10-11 03:02:15 +0000 UTC]
Oh I see now. The main character in her life, but aren't we all.
Okay, what I understoof before was that you wanted to utterly drown a Mary-Sue in despair because you hate them a lot.
I just treated everything Regina said as a lie, once I saw the ending... Don't know if that was the intended effect...
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Siartha [2012-10-11 03:17:29 +0000 UTC]
As a reader, you're allowed to interpret a story how you see fit, so if by the end of it you figure Regina has completely lied about everything, then that's how it reads to you. Which is fine, and honestly close to what my intent was. Regina is not well, though in her mind she's perfectly... perfect.
When I wrote it, I wanted the reader to wonder if anything she said was real. In my head I "know" some basic facts about the real Regina and what her life is like, and I wanted to hint at that with the "Whispers in the hallway" at the end. Regina did do some after school activities, because in her head, everything is fine and she should show everyone that every thing is fine and doing that includes doing school related activities. However what, if any, are they? Certainly a 15 year old isn't joining quilting bees, but Choir could be a legitimate activity she does.
I hate Mary Sue because I have a personal history with it, and I think as a term, it's over used, so I wanted to make an unmistakable Mary Sue, one that is so freaking perfect the world of readers would hate her. Then I wanted something so drastic and so horrible to happen that the reader was glad to see her snap like a broken doll; but then basically say that Mary Sue was only perfect in her head, because no one is capable of being so perfect, and possibly point out that maybe a Mary Sue isn't really that. If that makes any sense.
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Siartha In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2012-10-11 20:08:21 +0000 UTC]
I'm relieved you feel that way, because sometimes authors have a very specific version that they want their readers to understand, and I would feel bad if I didn't...
The part where everyone went quite after the one girl said something negative about her mother and the table going quiet made a lot more sense when you hear about Regina's situation, and also the way Alice acts.
I always thought that real people could never be a Mary Sue, no matter how perfect they are, because a Mary-Sue is something fake. A Mary Sue is just over-the-top, something that isn't possible in todays world. I actually didn't think that Regina was very Mary Sue-ish , apart from the artificially made dream, since I know quite a few people who are actually unbelievably perfect. More so than Regina.
And yes, it does make sense.
Just wondering, where did the knife come from? Is it a knife or just something with a handle?
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Siartha [2012-10-11 21:52:21 +0000 UTC]
When I was little, I basically was "little miss perfect" at least to a certain extent. When it comes down to it, I projected a a little bit of my elementary school self into this character. I really did model (osh kosh, little kid type magazine modeling things), I really did have excellent grades, I really did have a great connection with my teachers and a lot of friends and I had what was on the outside a "perfect life", but it wasn't. My relatives on my mother's side hated everything I was, and so I learned really early that a "mary sue" was a sort of hatred and a hatred they heaped on me regularly. But that's because they refused to learn or care anything about who I was as a person, they only cared about making "little miss perfect" miserable.
I didn't understand it at all, because hell I was 5 or 6 years old, I didn't understand why someone really could hate me for merely existing. Now that I'm old enough to see and understand, I understand that they're just simply like that. They're cruel and hateful people, and find joy in making other people miserable.
I threw in a bunch of random "tropes" to the Mary-Sue character, with the unique back story, rich beyond necessary, privileged life, no parents, etc etc. I sort of researched the Mary-Sue character type because of my annoyance with the phrase, and wanted to throw as many Mary Sue traits into this girl as I could manage without clogging the story.
I sort of wanted people to go back to the conversation at the table and wonder if Regina really did hear the comment and have a "scary face" about it, because of the comment in the hallway after of "Did you see the way she looked at me that day? It could have been me." Maybe everyone was a little terrified of Regina's potential for meltdown. Or maybe people did just simply find the line of conversation kind of awkward, because here you have this kid at your table that lost her parents so tragically, that you don't really know how to deal with these kinds of things. Most people don't, let alone some teenagers.
So while I know that seemingly perfect people do kind of exist in this world, I know that even those kind of people aren't perfect, because we all have flaws, and we all have our own weird neurosis somewhere down the line. Even when my life was "perfect" I still had to face bullies, I still had bad days and bad things happen.
If you go back, when Regina is sitting in class supposedly done with her test and looking around the room, she sees a pair of scissors on the desk which prompts the "quilting bee" thought process she has at that moment. A tiny bit of foreshadowing.
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Siartha In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2012-10-12 00:47:56 +0000 UTC]
Holy crap, that's a lot of text, I don't exactly know how to reply to everything, but here goes.
I think it would be a gift to be as 'perfect' as you were, it just happened by chance that you got stuck with bad relatives. I don't know if it is better to have people hate you out of jealousy, because that's never happened to me, but being shunned because you are 'weird' is horrible, perhaps more so than that. I hope you found solace in your friends and teachers.
I did a lot of research on Mary-Sues at one point because I was writing fanfiction and did not want any characters like that. I found that a large majority of Mary-Sues have Japanese names, so that might be helpful?
I wonder why those people still hung around her, when it was so obvious to them that all was not well in Regina-ville. Maybe out of pity, since, as you said, most people don't know how to deal with those situations.
I wasn't really referring to a perfect life, but to a highly-desirable character, as people actually tend to be biased towards a beautiful person if that beautiful person is nice to them. Unless, of course they are horrible people. I still kind of envy you, because most people have bad days and bad things happen to them, but people like you just seem on a higher level than people like me.
Ah, I see, a very cleverly placed bit of foreshadowing. I kind of missed it, whoops, but I tend to do that in literature.
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Siartha [2012-10-12 01:42:40 +0000 UTC]
I'm sorry, I'm known for my text walls and my overly explanatory explanations. lol
While my early childhood was "perfect" it all went downhill from there and I've had a very hard life.
Going into the mass of details would result in pages and pages of text walls, and though I plan on eventually writing it all down (cause it's a nice therapy to do so) I wouldn't feel jealous of me, nor would I feel pity. My life has been what it has been, and I'm dealing with it now. Friends I had when I was young, didn't really last all that long when bad things happened, and I stopped trying to make friends after awhile. I still have always made good grades and got along well with teachers for the most part, that's about as far as my "perfect life" extended.
Yeah, Mary Sues tend to have really exotic or weird names, but there's also a section of Mary Sues that are named for other characters and I was thinking of Regina from "Mean Girls" as my base, and I also wanted to be sort of sneaky about building the character in that I didn't go full exotic and I didn't reference my starting point.
In Regina's mind, everyone loved her almost to the point of worship. In real world, everyone was a little afraid of her, even Alice, but Alice tries to be a good person and show her compassion with the hopes that maybe she can help Regina. No one really wants to be around Regina, but it's hard to avoid someone who more or less forces her presence on you, especially somewhere like school.
That makes a lot of sense really, because people love a beautiful package. However, I don't consider myself to be even remotely pretty. Even when I look at childhood pictures of myself, at a time when I think I probably looked my best, I look sickly and frail to myself. I just don't like myself. In fact I avoid mirrors when I can. I hate them.
I've had a lot of bad happen to me, and many times it has broken me, but I do every thing in my power to try and pull myself out of it, to try and stay positive, even when I'd rather just... stop. I'm so tired. I hate fighting, but it's all I can do.
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Siartha In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2012-10-12 20:21:57 +0000 UTC]
If you put it that way, then it seems that your intelligence did not help you much. I kind of understand your situation, I guess.
Yes! That's who I thought of immediately when I read her name! I didn't know if you meant to refer to her or not, but now I do!
It's too bad Regina's grandfather didn't notice the signs of her impending breakdown, that would have saved a life.
Oh, for me it's kind of the opposite. When I was little everyone thought I was cute and adorable, but now I'm just awkward.
Just think of tomorrow and better things to come, we live in the present but what matters is the future. Maybe in a few years you'll look back and be glad you braved that storm because it has made you stronger.
If that makes sense...
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ZRCass [2012-10-10 16:44:46 +0000 UTC]
I enjoyed this. Good job.
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Goldfish-In-Space [2012-10-10 05:56:55 +0000 UTC]
Wooow. That's fast and hard. I like it a lot!
There's /almost/ a suspicion of Regina's actual situation in the beginning, but it's buried so well in "mary sue" that I ignored it until it was too late. The stylistic choices you mentioned work really well- how 'barfy' the first half is makes the second part actually hurt. When you've got the gumption to look at this again, you might want to go over Alice's dialogue at the end, because it seems a little staged to me. I don't /think/ that's the intention there? Anyway, good writing!
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2012-10-10 15:58:48 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
I wanted you to get to the end and then question everything. What part is real and what parts are in her own head?
I wanted Alice to feel practiced. Like when something really bad happens and you spend hours just thinking about it, analyzing it and just trying to figure out where it went wrong. Alice knew what she would probably be asked because she's asked herself a dozen times already, and so she already knew what she wanted or needed to say.
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Goldfish-In-Space In reply to GalaxyGoddess [2012-10-11 22:09:28 +0000 UTC]
Hm. I don't know if the distinction between practised and staged come through properly; I think it's around the part where she talks about being offered money that gives me that impression. Now that you've explained it I get it, though. Still a great piece!
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GalaxyGoddess In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2012-10-11 22:46:33 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I fiddled with the ending forever trying to figure out how I wanted it to sound, I finally settled on what I did with it. I understand it feels a little stilted, but I'm unaware at this time how to fiddle with it to make it work better.
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ArynChris [2012-10-10 04:30:46 +0000 UTC]
Wow.
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