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Description

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Being online in June is honestly pretty tough for me, I wish I could enjoy it more but the noise is so much louder that it just takes me back to a head space I don't want to be in. As the month was approaching, I tried keeping myself busy with offline things, but this past weekend I feel like I got knocked down. I was moving a shelf into my bedroom, so that I could have easier access to some of my more recent sketchbooks with the hope that it'll better encourage me to draw. Which is has, and for that I'm glad, but as I was reorganizing the shelf I was reminded about how much I adored my old tradition during my school days where I would sit and look through every sketchbook, binder and folder that had my artwork from over the years. I ended up sitting and thumbing through the pages until I reached drawings of an old friend I had and I went from having such a high positive mood to falling on my ass in a deep depression. I feel ashamed of myself, but I ended up wasting the rest of the entire day sulking and reliving the trauma that friendship later gave me. By the evening that day, I found myself on a counselling site and using their free chat section, just to find someone who might be able to help talk me back into a sensible head. I'd likely have been better off if I had just coaxed myself into going to sleep instead, since I got paired with someone who didn't listen to me well and ended up encouraging me to contact the friend who's spent years trying to dismantle me. It burns a hole in my throat now knowing I nearly did so, I fight myself constantly over it all and I know reopening contact after things have been silent for a while would only hurt me further.
Today, I was letting YouTube recommend me things to listen to, instead of staying strictly to my subscription list as usual, and I ended up listening to this video and felt like I was hit on the head. For the last four years now, I've been facing some serious psychological fuckery from our falling out that started over me just wanting to seek out help to figure out if I had gender dsyphoria and should transition if so. When the man in this video started talking about what trauma bonding was and then spoke about needing people for support, I completely fell apart. I never realized there was terminology to what I was experiencing, and even more how much the situation fell into just how my ex friend wanted it. When it all started, it felt like no one around me took it serious or understood the level of what was happening, even when I went to others for help and explained it, everyone made me feel like I was either spending too long dealing with it or like I was going insane. Now, the only one I feel like I can genuinely consider a friend is my dog, I don't talk to anyone anymore and I feel I didn't truly realize until I heard it said so directly. I struggle trying to make friends and keep them, and I struggle to draw and enjoy the things I was so insanely passionate about, and it makes me feel disgusting because I feel like I let him win when he shouldn't have.
I felt like I needed to draw that moment of it clicking finally after four long years. I really want to enjoy things again, to not feel hurt over what I am, and to start meeting new people to spend my time with. I'd like to find some secondary income to use towards getting therapy for this whole mess, I need help to stop all these intrusive memories and unhealthy impulses related to it all, its just digging me an early grave and he doesn't deserve a win like that.
I may or may not leave this up, but I just needed a moment to talk about this.

Description

|| Website || Ko-fi Support || Discord ||

Being online in June is honestly pretty tough for me, I wish I could enjoy it more but the noise is so much louder that it just takes me back to a head space I don't want to be in. As the month was approaching, I tried keeping myself busy with offline things, but this past weekend I feel like I got knocked down. I was moving a shelf into my bedroom, so that I could have easier access to some of my more recent sketchbooks with the hope that it'll better encourage me to draw. Which is has, and for that I'm glad, but as I was reorganizing the shelf I was reminded about how much I adored my old tradition during my school days where I would sit and look through every sketchbook, binder and folder that had my artwork from over the years. I ended up sitting and thumbing through the pages until I reached drawings of an old friend I had and I went from having such a high positive mood to falling on my ass in a deep depression. I feel ashamed of myself, but I ended up wasting the rest of the entire day sulking and reliving the trauma that friendship later gave me. By the evening that day, I found myself on a counselling site and using their free chat section, just to find someone who might be able to help talk me back into a sensible head. I'd likely have been better off if I had just coaxed myself into going to sleep instead, since I got paired with someone who didn't listen to me well and ended up encouraging me to contact the friend who's spent years trying to dismantle me. It burns a hole in my throat now knowing I nearly did so, I fight myself constantly over it all and I know reopening contact after things have been silent for a while would only hurt me further.
Today, I was letting YouTube recommend me things to listen to, instead of staying strictly to my subscription list as usual, and I ended up listening to this video and felt like I was hit on the head. For the last four years now, I've been facing some serious psychological fuckery from our falling out that started over me just wanting to seek out help to figure out if I had gender dsyphoria and should transition if so. When the man in this video started talking about what trauma bonding was and then spoke about needing people for support, I completely fell apart. I never realized there was terminology to what I was experiencing, and even more how much the situation fell into just how my ex friend wanted it. When it all started, it felt like no one around me took it serious or understood the level of what was happening, even when I went to others for help and explained it, everyone made me feel like I was either spending too long dealing with it or like I was going insane. Now, the only one I feel like I can genuinely consider a friend is my dog, I don't talk to anyone anymore and I feel I didn't truly realize until I heard it said so directly. I struggle trying to make friends and keep them, and I struggle to draw and enjoy the things I was so insanely passionate about, and it makes me feel disgusting because I feel like I let him win when he shouldn't have.
I felt like I needed to draw that moment of it clicking finally after four long years. I really want to enjoy things again, to not feel hurt over what I am, and to start meeting new people to spend my time with. I'd like to find some secondary income to use towards getting therapy for this whole mess, I need help to stop all these intrusive memories and unhealthy impulses related to it all, its just digging me an early grave and he doesn't deserve a win like that.
I may or may not leave this up, but I just needed a moment to talk about this.