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hamsterlampshade — 'Never give up...'
Published: 2011-03-31 04:14:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 236; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 3
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Description "Commander Leia...belay all previous instructions." The blond's hushed voice was comparable to wind through dead leaves as she whispered the orders to her communicator, hoping to awaken her silent cell mate. A metallic voice denied the orders given by the soldier, much to her annoyance.
       "Come on you stupid...overbearing dunderhead!" The woman slammed her hand on the prison wall, barely stirring her unconscious cellmate. "Commander Leia...special services. Belay all previous instruction dammit!" Another metallic denial. Tears threatened in the black sclera of her eyes, something uncommon from the soldier but not unheard of.
     She slid to her knees with a muffled scream she held between her teeth. "Please, please..." she took her cellmates face in her hands, "if there was ever a time for you to get something right...by god, make it be now." Leia never liked using earth curses, but she felt them necessary at this moment.
    The metallic denial voice sounded again, probably for no other reason then just to be annoying. "I'm sorry." She choked out, defeated. Her cellmate shivered, though showed no other signs of waking. Leia, who was oftentimes seen wearing her normal, midriff bearing clothes in the dead of winter, noted that the cell was indeed getting colder.
   She looked from the borrowed trench coat around her shoulders to her cellmate, then back again. "Do the right thing Leia." She said finally.
   Leia pulled her cellmate closer to her and leaned against the back wall. "I wish I knew how to fix you. You stupid...narcissistic moron."
      Another metallic noise, this time from her necklace brushing against her cellmate's back. "We'll get out of this though...I promise." Her words fell from her mouth, empty and meaningless. "Somehow."
    She tugged him closer, the cold finally beginning it's takeover on her bones. "Commander Leia. Belay all previous instructions." She tried again, simply out of desperation.
     "State rank." The metallic voice said.
   Leia looked down in disbelief. "Commander of search and destroy team beta?" She responded, not actually sure if she had heard the voice correctly.
      The denial sound came through again, but Leia could feel her cellmate pull closer to her in the semi-dark. I didn't think you'd ever be taller then me. She thought to herself.
     "Commander Leia. Commander of search and destroy team beta...belay previous instruction." She tried again, simply to fill the silence of the metal cell.
     No sound came this time. "It was worth a shot." She muttered, slamming her head against the back wall in annoyance.
    She looked down at her cellmate again and frowned. "I didn't get here out of skill...I just got the position out of insulting you all the time." She looked around, despite knowing that there was no one around, and gave her cellmate an apologetic kiss on the temple.
      "That and holding valuable blackmail on the leader of your race certainly helps matters." She added.
     "Your inability to shut up most likely helped that as well." The voice was so broken and hoarse that Leia was once again unsure she had heard it.
   Her cellmate didn't lash out at her, as he normally would have in this situation. "Why are you...here?" He asked, shivering more then he had when unconscious.
    She pulled him closer, tightening her grip on his arms to keep him from resisting. "I figured I owed you." She answered simply.
    Leia's cellmate didn't respond. "We have a few hours yet." She said softly. "It'd do us both good to get some sleep...in case I accidentally remember some convenient loop hole in your stupid laws."
      Her cellmate nodded in agreement, most likely too drained to do anything else. "Truce?" He asked, half asleep.
    Leia nodded and settled against him, she would have agreed to anything at this point but a truce was the least harmful of the possible responses she had come up with. "Yeah...truce." She mumbled, resting her head on his shoulders.
    Leia drifted off to sleep, hearing a quick whisper of thanks before shutting down for the night.
  "Thank you...for not giving up on me...like everyone else..."  
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Comments: 10

Brimana [2011-04-04 11:24:26 +0000 UTC]

I actually really liked this, but here goes critique attempt:

-I would definitely say that there isn't enough information. I really liked the story, but it really confused me. It would be nice to know what kind of situation they're in, possibly some of the backstory as to how they got there/history between them to help better understand their relationship. Where are they, what instruction is she trying to belay, and what will happen if she doesn't? Also, the metallic noises. Is she talking into a headset or communicator or something? That was very unclear for me, and a simple sentence could clear it up.

I think you did a wonderful job expressing her desperation/denial. The entire tone and diction of this piece is wonderful, it drew me right in. That's why I enjoyed it so much even though I only had a vague idea of what was going on. It was very well written, it just needs a little more info and backstory to better place the reader in it.

General nitpicks, just needing more info.

Other than that, this story really fascinated me. If you were going to develop it more, either the backstory for explanation or to continue it, I would be very interested in reading it. Just from this little piece I can say that it sounds good enough that I'd probably pick it up if I passed it in a bookstore

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hamsterlampshade In reply to Brimana [2011-04-04 12:07:36 +0000 UTC]

[link] TA DA it has been continued!


Thank you for taking time to review! I plan on writing more for this story, including a back story...and a backstory for the above backstory I may continue it from here or, I don't know maybe even write the full story that it's from. All in due time I suppose. I'm glad you think this is novel worthy!

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the-runaway-writer [2011-04-02 18:13:59 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm. I think I like the ending. Some more information could definitly help this one. I wacked by brain on the identity of the mysterious guy and I can't figure him out!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

hamsterlampshade In reply to the-runaway-writer [2011-04-02 19:10:00 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you like it my elusive friend ;D

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AbaloneTimebomb [2011-03-31 04:48:54 +0000 UTC]

*goes into review mode*
I like it in general, you really do get a sense of how desperate she really is. but it does need more detail, such as why she's in this situation, what happened to her cell mate in the first place, what the instruction were, and why it would be disastrous if they were followed. my petty nitpick is this: why are all these sounds metallic!?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

hamsterlampshade In reply to AbaloneTimebomb [2011-03-31 11:08:42 +0000 UTC]

I'll note you...

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

AbaloneTimebomb In reply to hamsterlampshade [2011-03-31 21:41:03 +0000 UTC]

oh, btw...Selene and Adriana can has RP?

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hamsterlampshade In reply to AbaloneTimebomb [2011-04-01 00:32:26 +0000 UTC]

Sure thing! Send up a note though (easier to keep track of info and such)

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AbaloneTimebomb In reply to hamsterlampshade [2011-04-01 03:26:11 +0000 UTC]

ok~

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AbaloneTimebomb In reply to hamsterlampshade [2011-03-31 20:35:36 +0000 UTC]

yus!

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