Comments: 10
Brimana [2011-04-04 11:24:26 +0000 UTC]
I actually really liked this, but here goes critique attempt:
-I would definitely say that there isn't enough information. I really liked the story, but it really confused me. It would be nice to know what kind of situation they're in, possibly some of the backstory as to how they got there/history between them to help better understand their relationship. Where are they, what instruction is she trying to belay, and what will happen if she doesn't? Also, the metallic noises. Is she talking into a headset or communicator or something? That was very unclear for me, and a simple sentence could clear it up.
I think you did a wonderful job expressing her desperation/denial. The entire tone and diction of this piece is wonderful, it drew me right in. That's why I enjoyed it so much even though I only had a vague idea of what was going on. It was very well written, it just needs a little more info and backstory to better place the reader in it.
General nitpicks, just needing more info.
Other than that, this story really fascinated me. If you were going to develop it more, either the backstory for explanation or to continue it, I would be very interested in reading it. Just from this little piece I can say that it sounds good enough that I'd probably pick it up if I passed it in a bookstore
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
the-runaway-writer [2011-04-02 18:13:59 +0000 UTC]
Hmmm. I think I like the ending. Some more information could definitly help this one. I wacked by brain on the identity of the mysterious guy and I can't figure him out!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
AbaloneTimebomb [2011-03-31 04:48:54 +0000 UTC]
*goes into review mode*
I like it in general, you really do get a sense of how desperate she really is. but it does need more detail, such as why she's in this situation, what happened to her cell mate in the first place, what the instruction were, and why it would be disastrous if they were followed. my petty nitpick is this: why are all these sounds metallic!?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hamsterlampshade In reply to AbaloneTimebomb [2011-04-01 00:32:26 +0000 UTC]
Sure thing! Send up a note though (easier to keep track of info and such)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1