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    To the admission officers of [Insert College Here], I offer my sincerest apologies. I’m probably—no, I know that I'm not good enough for you although I bleed [Insert School Color Here] and have been wanting to go to your school since birth, and I’m sorry for that. However, presented for your collective entertainment is a quick summary of my few trifling accomplishments— certainly not all of them, of course. I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I want to be that perfect fit at [Insert College Here] in the beautiful [Insert City Here] that you’ll love.

    In retrospect, I didn’t do much worthwhile with my seventeen or so years of existence, and I’m sorry for that. I spend my weekends volunteering at the community center which has become a second home for me. You've probably heard thousands of stories just like mine about how I tutor underprivileged children and make plastic bead necklaces with the neighborhood orphans, so I'll spare you the time.

    I didn't go to the Best High School Ever, and I’m sorry for that. Sirens were like lullabies, blood was like graffiti, drugs were like water, and most people turned a blind eye to things. That was last year. Once I was elected class president, our school became the top in the state. It probably had nothing to do with me, though, and I'm sure you've heard of stories about fantastic leadership all the time.

     I’ve written quite a bit, but my works never got quite as famous as I had hoped, and I’m sorry for that. You might have heard of one of my pseudonyms, J. K. Rowling, but I’d understand if you didn’t. I’ve only gotten my works translated into seventy different languages, and it only comes back as a classic four hundred years from now.

    I love science as well, but my time constraints prevented me from wholeheartedly devoting myself to the laboratory, and I’m sorry for that. I spent my weekends for the past six years researching a cure for cancer that should hit the medical community by January: nothing ingenious, mostly just a rehashing of standard techniques using synthetic tyrosine-kinase inhibitors. It's worked on rats and shows promising signs of success in humans, but loads of kids have gone down the same route I have—just look at Siemen's projects and you'll see where I'm coming from.

    I don’t have any good family stories that show my maturity, and I’m sorry for that, but my parents died when I was seven. I used what little was left in the family trust fund to invest in a startup that I saw as promising, a small fledgling by the name of Google, saving carefully and investing so that I could raise my four younger siblings and eventually afford to attend [Insert College Here], my dream school.

    I’m not a child prodigy or anything, and I’m sorry for that. I only invented the time travel necessary for my exploits when I was eight, after my parents died on Kristallnacht in 1938 pulling children from the burning rubble. It took me another seven years to exact my revenge, but I eventually killed Hitler, who was Mein Fuhrerious about the whole affair, though Eisenhower and I agreed to pass it off as suicide to protect the war effort. And that’s the true story of how the Axis Powers fell. Most people did Nazi it coming.

    I’m not quite the most powerful space empress who ever lived, and I’m sorry for that. I have Senator Palpatine and Darth Vader to thank for taking my title, although in all fairness I did conquer most of the Empire myself with my TARDIS and gave it to them to rule in the name of peace. The Sith screwed that one up a bit.

    I’m not The Boy Who Lived, and I’m sorry for that, but I did cut off Voldemort’s nose and co-founded the Order of the Phoenix. My exploits are mostly where I got the inspiration to write Harry Potter. Don’t look at me like that. I’m dead serious. And Sirius is just dead.

    There’s a lot that I’ve done that I doubt is important enough for you, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t care about how I invented time travel, faster than light travel, space travel, travel travel. You don’t care about how I worked on the Manhattan Project or invented the internet or started the French Revolution. You don’t care about how I exterminated the unicorns in the year 1337 BC, and you certainly don’t care that I did a good deed that day because unicorns are vicious creatures. You don't care that my scientific study to discover the cause of the Big Bang accidentally caused the Big Bang itself and kick-started the universe. You've probably heard all this before.

     In retrospect, I didn't do much worthwhile with my seventeen years of existence. Kids like me are a dime a dozen, and I’m sorry for that.
To the admission officers of [Insert College Here], I say fuck you, and I’m—
—actually, no, I'm not sorry for that at all.

Description

    To the admission officers of [Insert College Here], I offer my sincerest apologies. I’m probably—no, I know that I'm not good enough for you although I bleed [Insert School Color Here] and have been wanting to go to your school since birth, and I’m sorry for that. However, presented for your collective entertainment is a quick summary of my few trifling accomplishments— certainly not all of them, of course. I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I want to be that perfect fit at [Insert College Here] in the beautiful [Insert City Here] that you’ll love.

    In retrospect, I didn’t do much worthwhile with my seventeen or so years of existence, and I’m sorry for that. I spend my weekends volunteering at the community center which has become a second home for me. You've probably heard thousands of stories just like mine about how I tutor underprivileged children and make plastic bead necklaces with the neighborhood orphans, so I'll spare you the time.

    I didn't go to the Best High School Ever, and I’m sorry for that. Sirens were like lullabies, blood was like graffiti, drugs were like water, and most people turned a blind eye to things. That was last year. Once I was elected class president, our school became the top in the state. It probably had nothing to do with me, though, and I'm sure you've heard of stories about fantastic leadership all the time.

     I’ve written quite a bit, but my works never got quite as famous as I had hoped, and I’m sorry for that. You might have heard of one of my pseudonyms, J. K. Rowling, but I’d understand if you didn’t. I’ve only gotten my works translated into seventy different languages, and it only comes back as a classic four hundred years from now.

    I love science as well, but my time constraints prevented me from wholeheartedly devoting myself to the laboratory, and I’m sorry for that. I spent my weekends for the past six years researching a cure for cancer that should hit the medical community by January: nothing ingenious, mostly just a rehashing of standard techniques using synthetic tyrosine-kinase inhibitors. It's worked on rats and shows promising signs of success in humans, but loads of kids have gone down the same route I have—just look at Siemen's projects and you'll see where I'm coming from.

    I don’t have any good family stories that show my maturity, and I’m sorry for that, but my parents died when I was seven. I used what little was left in the family trust fund to invest in a startup that I saw as promising, a small fledgling by the name of Google, saving carefully and investing so that I could raise my four younger siblings and eventually afford to attend [Insert College Here], my dream school.

    I’m not a child prodigy or anything, and I’m sorry for that. I only invented the time travel necessary for my exploits when I was eight, after my parents died on Kristallnacht in 1938 pulling children from the burning rubble. It took me another seven years to exact my revenge, but I eventually killed Hitler, who was Mein Fuhrerious about the whole affair, though Eisenhower and I agreed to pass it off as suicide to protect the war effort. And that’s the true story of how the Axis Powers fell. Most people did Nazi it coming.

    I’m not quite the most powerful space empress who ever lived, and I’m sorry for that. I have Senator Palpatine and Darth Vader to thank for taking my title, although in all fairness I did conquer most of the Empire myself with my TARDIS and gave it to them to rule in the name of peace. The Sith screwed that one up a bit.

    I’m not The Boy Who Lived, and I’m sorry for that, but I did cut off Voldemort’s nose and co-founded the Order of the Phoenix. My exploits are mostly where I got the inspiration to write Harry Potter. Don’t look at me like that. I’m dead serious. And Sirius is just dead.

    There’s a lot that I’ve done that I doubt is important enough for you, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t care about how I invented time travel, faster than light travel, space travel, travel travel. You don’t care about how I worked on the Manhattan Project or invented the internet or started the French Revolution. You don’t care about how I exterminated the unicorns in the year 1337 BC, and you certainly don’t care that I did a good deed that day because unicorns are vicious creatures. You don't care that my scientific study to discover the cause of the Big Bang accidentally caused the Big Bang itself and kick-started the universe. You've probably heard all this before.

     In retrospect, I didn't do much worthwhile with my seventeen years of existence. Kids like me are a dime a dozen, and I’m sorry for that.
To the admission officers of [Insert College Here], I say fuck you, and I’m—
—actually, no, I'm not sorry for that at all.