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HoldTheNoise — i really want to...
Published: 2012-08-16 20:06:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 1001; Favourites: 31; Downloads: 5
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Description
i allowed the word to curl
against the ceiling of my mouth.
cradling the absence of a
storm that never came
roosting over rafters of a
note stretched far too long.
seeping through my teeth and
pulling moisture from the rain.
"fly"
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Comments: 23
This is short and very sweet. I like the way you subtly begin using imagery and vocabulary related to the idea of flight and height right off the bat (curl against the ceiling, roosting over rafters). It primes the reader almost subconsciously for the...well, identity of the word makes it sound like a crime boss or superhero, but there you go. In addition, there's a lovely little piece of half-rhyme in came/rain that adds an excellent flow to the piece.
One thing that bothers me is that I do get of sense of hope that's already passed here with some imagery and hope that's being created with others. The use of the verb cradling, for instance, suggests hope that's been born, while note stretching far too long to me indicates a hope that's failing as it has not been realized. Then again, this may just be me. But I found my inability to pull a clear tone from this work significantly lowered my enjoyment of the piece and the impact which it had on me.
I'm not the writer. You could've meant the tone to come across as ambivalent. In addition, I'm only one reader. Others may disagree with my assessment. Still, while my word can be taken or left, I must say for the record that I really did like this piece, both for the uncommon brevity and for the powerful imagery used here.
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never before have i heard a spoken word described so accurately. absolutely beautiful!
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Thank you so much!! I'm honored
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Absolutely amazing. I really really love your poem
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Thank you so much!!
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Aww, thank you~~!! I'm glad you like it!
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You can do it
I read over 400 pages in about 4 days if i remember correctly
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Ahh, that's encouraging~~!
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No offense, but does "big letters at beginning" mean anything to you, miss?
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No offense, but if the lack of "big letters" are so greatly interfering with your perception/enjoyment of the poem, maybe you should consider finding a hobby that doesn't involve self expression or creativity, since clearly, you can't handle it.
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Sorry to butt in, but if you're referring to capital letters, I think they were left lowercase for a certain effect.
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oh hey...you mind if I put this poem in my signature...? I'll give you credit 8D
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It's just how I feel when I look at the sky, ahhh, love~
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