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“Can we please just have sex now?”
James wrapped his thick arm around my waist. I'd been so engrossed in the novel I was reading, I'd almost forgotten he was there. We'd been swinging in the hammock outside his parents' house for a good hour, me with a rather large hardcover in my lap and he with his cell phone and a water bottle filled with vodka. The water bottle was to trip up his parents, and it worked because he knew they trusted him. He always had these little tricks to get around authority.
I rolled my eyes at him but didn't put my book down. “Sure, Jim. Let's go do it in your parents' room. Just let me first ask your mom to have a post-fornication sandwich ready for me.”
James made an irritated noise. He hated being called Jim.
“Sure, Stacy. Let's do that.” He pulled away from me. “Come on. We've been dating for two months now. It's time to break 'er in.” We'd gotten into the habit of this lately: he'd press me to take our relationship to the next level and I'd wave him off like a fly trying to get a taste of my cherry pie in the heat of summer. I understood why he was so eager-- it's not like I didn't have hormones, too-- but to just take the plunge without giving it some sort of meaning didn't seem right to me.
“Anticipation's the best part,” I remarked dryly, turning a page. “It's not like your penis is going to fall off if we wait too long.”
“That's what you think.” He took a swig of his drink. “Or maybe it'll just get really saggy and then I won't piss right.”
I stopped reading. “Are you drunk?”
He shook his head and then made a face. “Are you kidding? I drink at least twice this amount every night.”
I caught a whiff of the alcohol and cringed. “You stink. How do you hide that from your parents?”
“Easy. I just wait until Dad starts drinking so he won't notice, and then my mom slinks down to watch her soaps in the basement because she doesn't want to deal with him. Usually I just stay in my room the whole night anyway.”
A real fly landed on my book and I swatted it away. “You realize you drink because your dad does, right?”
James snorted. “That's not why. I just do it because I can.” He paused with the bottle halfway to his lips. “Well, it doesn't really matter if that's why or not. He doesn't make me drink it. I choose to. I could stop if I wanted to.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So why don't you? It's disgusting.”
He seemed to consider it. “If I do, will you have sex with me?”
I groaned and smacked the bottle out of his hands. Vodka spilled like poisonous dew onto the grass, which seemed to curl from the taste. “NO.”
Instead of getting angry, James playfully smacked the book out of my hands and threw himself over me. Instead of winning me over, he spun the hammock around and we both landed on the cool ground with a thud.
He laughed. I groaned. “Must you always ruin my life?”
“If by ruin you mean tear your eyes from a book to make life more exciting, then yes.”
We crawled out from under the hammock to stand up and brush ourselves off. James recovered his nearly empty water bottle. I peeled my book from the grass. The pages were soaked with vodka.
“Great, this book isn't even mine! I borrowed it fro-”
Suddenly James had me pinned against a tree. He kissed me with an intensity that knocked the breath out of me. It occurred to me that his parents might be watching from the house but I couldn't bring myself to stop him. My body was tingling. He felt too good.
Finally he pulled away. His face was smug. “Care to spend the night with me?”
My mouth had already betrayed me so I shook my head in reply. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I managed. “I wouldn't enjoy it.” That was a lie, I think. “Not when I have to worry about sneaking around.”
James shrugged his eyebrows as if to say, Your loss. “All right, I guess I'll see you tomorrow at school then.”
His dismissive tone stung, but I didn't know what else to say. “All right. See you.”
He walked toward the house and I walked to my car. Alone.

* * *

“We had sex last night.”
I stared at my friend Natalie. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes shined with excitement. “It was amazing!”
I paused to collect my bearings. “You...and Kyle...”
She laughed at me. “Yes, me and Kyle! Why would I sleep with anyone else?”
“That's not what I meant. I'm just...shocked. You didn't tell me you were going to sleep with him!”
She looked around in bewilderment. “Well it's not like it's something you plan. It just happened. One minute we were kissing, and the next we had our clothes off!”
I drummed my fingers on the lunch table. “Wow.”
Her face fell. “Why aren't you excited?” I shrugged, unable to say what I was feeling. “You're my best friend! You're supposed to be excited for me! Are you just jealous because you haven't done it with James?”
“You know that isn't it. James is waiting on me, not the other way around.”
“Then what's going on?” she said with exasperation. “Why are you suddenly all moody and quiet?”
“I don't know,” I sighed. “I'm just caught off guard. I'm sorry.”
I could tell that she was annoyed with me, so I groaned. “Please don't be angry with me. I'm already dealing with James's frustration.”
She perked up. “Frustration over what? Not having sex?”
“Among other things.” I absently chipped the nail polish from my fingernails.
“You know he's gonna dump you if you wait too long. Why are you waiting, anyway?”
“I...I just want it to be special. I don't want to just randomly 'do it.' I want it to be...romantic.”
Natalie snorted. “Romantic? You mean like romance novel, flowing hair on the beach sex? You read too many books! That's so overrated.”
I stared at my nails, ashamed. “It doesn't have to be on the beach or anything. I just don't feel like our relationship has gotten that far. He excites me but he doesn't fulfill me.”
Her pointed look spoke volumes of the obvious innuendo. I cut her off before she could anything. “You know what I mean, right? I don't want a cheapened kind of love. I want us to last.”
Natalie shook her head with pity. “Honey, love doesn't ever last. Look at my parents. Look at yours! People eventually just drift apart for one reason or another. When they try to fight it and stay together, they just hurt everyone else. You need to just let things run their course. Enjoy James while you have him. You're cheapening your relationship by denying it something amazing.”
I met her gaze. “What about Kyle's parents? They're happy.”
She made a face. “Yeah, but they're also both religious nuts. They tried to force their beliefs on Kyle while he was young. Thank God he didn't buy any of it. What's the point of being happy when everything else is a lie?”
I still didn't buy it. “I think we just haven't seen enough happy marriages to know for sure. I'm not going to settle for only what I know.”
Natalie seemed turned off and maybe even a little confused by my declaration. “Um, okay? It's your funeral. Or divorce, whichever comes first.” She caught Kyle's eye from across the cafeteria and stood up. She stared at me for a moment as though weighing a thought. Then she left me.
I was so shaken up by her attitude that I almost didn't hear her last words to me. She spoke over her shoulder, only loud enough for me to hear.
“You're sixteen, Stacy. It's time to grow up.”

* * *
The bus rocked as we drove down winding, potholed roads. My nose was buried in my science textbook so that James wouldn't notice my anxiety and ask about it. Natalie was supposed to give me a ride home but ditched me after our lunch conversation. I was so angry and upset that I found myself rereading the same sentence ten times over.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I cried out in surprise when James set his hand on my thigh. James laughed and turned to his friend, Scott. “She was so into that science book that she forgot I was here.” Then he turned back to me. “Whatcha reading, darlin'?”
I looked at his large smile and wondered if he saw the apprehension in my eyes. It occurred to me that his sandy-colored beard was quiet full for a sixteen year-old. “Clearly I'm doing my homework, thanks.”
He pulled the tie from my ponytail. “You need to let your hair down more, babe. You're so uptight.”
My dark hair fell down and into my eyes. I pushed it back behind my ears and looked out the window of my emergency exit door. “I'm not uptight. I just have a lot on my mind.”
He laughed, his hand moving higher up my thigh. “I could change that, you know. I could clear your thoughts in a heartbeat.”
His hand was really warm, even through my jeans. I glanced at his large knuckles and rough fingernails. It occurred to me that his hands would feel nice on my skin. They were thick but smooth.
I think he sensed my desire because his smile widened. “What do you think, sweetheart? It'll be any way you want it, I promise.”
What is he suggesting? I looked over his shoulder at Scott, who seemed full of anticipation. He wants to do it right here, on the bus, with everyone watching us? It wouldn't have been the first time two people had sex on a school bus, even ours specifically. Our bus driver didn't pay much attention to the older kids in the back because the younger kids up front were enough to keep her old eyes occupied. The younger kids had to remain in their seats at all times. That left James, me, Scott, Cindy, and Trent in the back. Cindy and Trent probably did all sorts of sketchy things when no one was looking, and of course Scott didn't mind a free show.
I swallowed, unsure of how to react. I didn't feel comfortable exposing myself in public like that...but then again it wasn't really anyone of consequence. They'd probably even agree to keep quiet if I begged them to. Even if they didn't, I'd probably become a hero for it. Surely Natalie would start respecting me again. What was it she said at lunch today? Let things run their course...
James's hand slid up into my shirt. I could see his mind fogging up from the heat of the moment. He licked his lips and then pasted them onto mine. They were soft but powerful.
I let him touch me, but my body remained rigid. I tried to let myself get lost in the moment but I couldn't and it frustrated me. Who cares what happens? I love him, don't I?
He unbuttoned my pants with a free hand. Natalie's words played like a broken record in my head. It was amazing. Love doesn't last. You're cheapening your relationship.
James pulled away for a moment to examine my face. His eyes were full of lust.

It's your funeral.

Something in me snapped. I picked up my science textbook and slammed it against James's crotch. He yelled out in confusion and surprise as the textbook slid from his thighs to the floor. He held himself and looked from the book to me and back, his eyes full of anger and confusion.
“What the hell, Stacy!”
I pushed myself away from him. Before he could muster the strength to react, I pushed down the emergency exit lever and held tightly to the seat in front of us. The door flew open and smacked the side of the bus. I looked just as the bus drivers eyes snapped up to her rear-view mirror. Her eyes met mine and she hit the brakes hard.
The sudden stop sent everyone flying forward. I tumbled out the emergency exit door suddenly and hit the side of the road with a sickening thud. Hot pain shot through my right shoulder and I shrunk into a tight ball. Then I saw the bus roll to a stop only feet away.
Realizing what I'd just done, I had no desire to get back on that bus. I knew that if I lingered long enough for the bus driver to reach me I'd be done for, so I pushed through the pain to a standing position and then took off running in the opposite direction. I looked over my shoulder and saw the bus driver hop off the bus, screaming for me to come back. First her words were full of accusations and anger, but then they evolved into desperate pleas that I needed proper medical attention. I snapped my head back around and pumped my arms harder, desperately hoping that James was in too much pain to pursue me himself.
My lungs burned but I didn't stop running. Natalie's words were suddenly transforming into winged things, much like the one that was trying to escape from my ribs. Why did I have to have sex to grow up, and why did it have to be with James? What is this darkness that has overtaken the people I grew up with? When did my classmates become so ruled by lust?
I turned down another road. I realized that no one was following me, but I continued to run anyway. I'd run as far away as I could from the horrible lies I'd left behind. Love doesn't last. Happy marriages don't exist. You're missing out on the adventure.
My legs were growing heavy. I knew I couldn't run forever. There were consequences I had to face and smoking bridges I had to repair. Still, I was so afraid of the aftermath on the other side. How was I to stand against people that would probably never agree with me, yet at the same time make concessions for my own mistakes against them? It was something I still had to figure out. I couldn't hide behind my books forever. James was right-- I needed to start living my life. There would be pain in standing tall while wounds were still so fresh, but pain was inevitable.

Pain was an essential part of the adventure, but it wasn't the whole thing. Love was out there, and if I could find it-- not some cheap imitation like lust or infatuation-- then I could push through the pain and conquer my fears. Natalie was wrong. Relationships weren't doomed from the start, and I didn't need to let them run their course.

When I found love, we would make the course.

Description
“Can we please just have sex now?”
James wrapped his thick arm around my waist. I'd been so engrossed in the novel I was reading, I'd almost forgotten he was there. We'd been swinging in the hammock outside his parents' house for a good hour, me with a rather large hardcover in my lap and he with his cell phone and a water bottle filled with vodka. The water bottle was to trip up his parents, and it worked because he knew they trusted him. He always had these little tricks to get around authority.
I rolled my eyes at him but didn't put my book down. “Sure, Jim. Let's go do it in your parents' room. Just let me first ask your mom to have a post-fornication sandwich ready for me.”
James made an irritated noise. He hated being called Jim.
“Sure, Stacy. Let's do that.” He pulled away from me. “Come on. We've been dating for two months now. It's time to break 'er in.” We'd gotten into the habit of this lately: he'd press me to take our relationship to the next level and I'd wave him off like a fly trying to get a taste of my cherry pie in the heat of summer. I understood why he was so eager-- it's not like I didn't have hormones, too-- but to just take the plunge without giving it some sort of meaning didn't seem right to me.
“Anticipation's the best part,” I remarked dryly, turning a page. “It's not like your penis is going to fall off if we wait too long.”
“That's what you think.” He took a swig of his drink. “Or maybe it'll just get really saggy and then I won't piss right.”
I stopped reading. “Are you drunk?”
He shook his head and then made a face. “Are you kidding? I drink at least twice this amount every night.”
I caught a whiff of the alcohol and cringed. “You stink. How do you hide that from your parents?”
“Easy. I just wait until Dad starts drinking so he won't notice, and then my mom slinks down to watch her soaps in the basement because she doesn't want to deal with him. Usually I just stay in my room the whole night anyway.”
A real fly landed on my book and I swatted it away. “You realize you drink because your dad does, right?”
James snorted. “That's not why. I just do it because I can.” He paused with the bottle halfway to his lips. “Well, it doesn't really matter if that's why or not. He doesn't make me drink it. I choose to. I could stop if I wanted to.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So why don't you? It's disgusting.”
He seemed to consider it. “If I do, will you have sex with me?”
I groaned and smacked the bottle out of his hands. Vodka spilled like poisonous dew onto the grass, which seemed to curl from the taste. “NO.”
Instead of getting angry, James playfully smacked the book out of my hands and threw himself over me. Instead of winning me over, he spun the hammock around and we both landed on the cool ground with a thud.
He laughed. I groaned. “Must you always ruin my life?”
“If by ruin you mean tear your eyes from a book to make life more exciting, then yes.”
We crawled out from under the hammock to stand up and brush ourselves off. James recovered his nearly empty water bottle. I peeled my book from the grass. The pages were soaked with vodka.
“Great, this book isn't even mine! I borrowed it fro-”
Suddenly James had me pinned against a tree. He kissed me with an intensity that knocked the breath out of me. It occurred to me that his parents might be watching from the house but I couldn't bring myself to stop him. My body was tingling. He felt too good.
Finally he pulled away. His face was smug. “Care to spend the night with me?”
My mouth had already betrayed me so I shook my head in reply. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I managed. “I wouldn't enjoy it.” That was a lie, I think. “Not when I have to worry about sneaking around.”
James shrugged his eyebrows as if to say, Your loss. “All right, I guess I'll see you tomorrow at school then.”
His dismissive tone stung, but I didn't know what else to say. “All right. See you.”
He walked toward the house and I walked to my car. Alone.

* * *

“We had sex last night.”
I stared at my friend Natalie. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes shined with excitement. “It was amazing!”
I paused to collect my bearings. “You...and Kyle...”
She laughed at me. “Yes, me and Kyle! Why would I sleep with anyone else?”
“That's not what I meant. I'm just...shocked. You didn't tell me you were going to sleep with him!”
She looked around in bewilderment. “Well it's not like it's something you plan. It just happened. One minute we were kissing, and the next we had our clothes off!”
I drummed my fingers on the lunch table. “Wow.”
Her face fell. “Why aren't you excited?” I shrugged, unable to say what I was feeling. “You're my best friend! You're supposed to be excited for me! Are you just jealous because you haven't done it with James?”
“You know that isn't it. James is waiting on me, not the other way around.”
“Then what's going on?” she said with exasperation. “Why are you suddenly all moody and quiet?”
“I don't know,” I sighed. “I'm just caught off guard. I'm sorry.”
I could tell that she was annoyed with me, so I groaned. “Please don't be angry with me. I'm already dealing with James's frustration.”
She perked up. “Frustration over what? Not having sex?”
“Among other things.” I absently chipped the nail polish from my fingernails.
“You know he's gonna dump you if you wait too long. Why are you waiting, anyway?”
“I...I just want it to be special. I don't want to just randomly 'do it.' I want it to be...romantic.”
Natalie snorted. “Romantic? You mean like romance novel, flowing hair on the beach sex? You read too many books! That's so overrated.”
I stared at my nails, ashamed. “It doesn't have to be on the beach or anything. I just don't feel like our relationship has gotten that far. He excites me but he doesn't fulfill me.”
Her pointed look spoke volumes of the obvious innuendo. I cut her off before she could anything. “You know what I mean, right? I don't want a cheapened kind of love. I want us to last.”
Natalie shook her head with pity. “Honey, love doesn't ever last. Look at my parents. Look at yours! People eventually just drift apart for one reason or another. When they try to fight it and stay together, they just hurt everyone else. You need to just let things run their course. Enjoy James while you have him. You're cheapening your relationship by denying it something amazing.”
I met her gaze. “What about Kyle's parents? They're happy.”
She made a face. “Yeah, but they're also both religious nuts. They tried to force their beliefs on Kyle while he was young. Thank God he didn't buy any of it. What's the point of being happy when everything else is a lie?”
I still didn't buy it. “I think we just haven't seen enough happy marriages to know for sure. I'm not going to settle for only what I know.”
Natalie seemed turned off and maybe even a little confused by my declaration. “Um, okay? It's your funeral. Or divorce, whichever comes first.” She caught Kyle's eye from across the cafeteria and stood up. She stared at me for a moment as though weighing a thought. Then she left me.
I was so shaken up by her attitude that I almost didn't hear her last words to me. She spoke over her shoulder, only loud enough for me to hear.
“You're sixteen, Stacy. It's time to grow up.”

* * *
The bus rocked as we drove down winding, potholed roads. My nose was buried in my science textbook so that James wouldn't notice my anxiety and ask about it. Natalie was supposed to give me a ride home but ditched me after our lunch conversation. I was so angry and upset that I found myself rereading the same sentence ten times over.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I cried out in surprise when James set his hand on my thigh. James laughed and turned to his friend, Scott. “She was so into that science book that she forgot I was here.” Then he turned back to me. “Whatcha reading, darlin'?”
I looked at his large smile and wondered if he saw the apprehension in my eyes. It occurred to me that his sandy-colored beard was quiet full for a sixteen year-old. “Clearly I'm doing my homework, thanks.”
He pulled the tie from my ponytail. “You need to let your hair down more, babe. You're so uptight.”
My dark hair fell down and into my eyes. I pushed it back behind my ears and looked out the window of my emergency exit door. “I'm not uptight. I just have a lot on my mind.”
He laughed, his hand moving higher up my thigh. “I could change that, you know. I could clear your thoughts in a heartbeat.”
His hand was really warm, even through my jeans. I glanced at his large knuckles and rough fingernails. It occurred to me that his hands would feel nice on my skin. They were thick but smooth.
I think he sensed my desire because his smile widened. “What do you think, sweetheart? It'll be any way you want it, I promise.”
What is he suggesting? I looked over his shoulder at Scott, who seemed full of anticipation. He wants to do it right here, on the bus, with everyone watching us? It wouldn't have been the first time two people had sex on a school bus, even ours specifically. Our bus driver didn't pay much attention to the older kids in the back because the younger kids up front were enough to keep her old eyes occupied. The younger kids had to remain in their seats at all times. That left James, me, Scott, Cindy, and Trent in the back. Cindy and Trent probably did all sorts of sketchy things when no one was looking, and of course Scott didn't mind a free show.
I swallowed, unsure of how to react. I didn't feel comfortable exposing myself in public like that...but then again it wasn't really anyone of consequence. They'd probably even agree to keep quiet if I begged them to. Even if they didn't, I'd probably become a hero for it. Surely Natalie would start respecting me again. What was it she said at lunch today? Let things run their course...
James's hand slid up into my shirt. I could see his mind fogging up from the heat of the moment. He licked his lips and then pasted them onto mine. They were soft but powerful.
I let him touch me, but my body remained rigid. I tried to let myself get lost in the moment but I couldn't and it frustrated me. Who cares what happens? I love him, don't I?
He unbuttoned my pants with a free hand. Natalie's words played like a broken record in my head. It was amazing. Love doesn't last. You're cheapening your relationship.
James pulled away for a moment to examine my face. His eyes were full of lust.

It's your funeral.

Something in me snapped. I picked up my science textbook and slammed it against James's crotch. He yelled out in confusion and surprise as the textbook slid from his thighs to the floor. He held himself and looked from the book to me and back, his eyes full of anger and confusion.
“What the hell, Stacy!”
I pushed myself away from him. Before he could muster the strength to react, I pushed down the emergency exit lever and held tightly to the seat in front of us. The door flew open and smacked the side of the bus. I looked just as the bus drivers eyes snapped up to her rear-view mirror. Her eyes met mine and she hit the brakes hard.
The sudden stop sent everyone flying forward. I tumbled out the emergency exit door suddenly and hit the side of the road with a sickening thud. Hot pain shot through my right shoulder and I shrunk into a tight ball. Then I saw the bus roll to a stop only feet away.
Realizing what I'd just done, I had no desire to get back on that bus. I knew that if I lingered long enough for the bus driver to reach me I'd be done for, so I pushed through the pain to a standing position and then took off running in the opposite direction. I looked over my shoulder and saw the bus driver hop off the bus, screaming for me to come back. First her words were full of accusations and anger, but then they evolved into desperate pleas that I needed proper medical attention. I snapped my head back around and pumped my arms harder, desperately hoping that James was in too much pain to pursue me himself.
My lungs burned but I didn't stop running. Natalie's words were suddenly transforming into winged things, much like the one that was trying to escape from my ribs. Why did I have to have sex to grow up, and why did it have to be with James? What is this darkness that has overtaken the people I grew up with? When did my classmates become so ruled by lust?
I turned down another road. I realized that no one was following me, but I continued to run anyway. I'd run as far away as I could from the horrible lies I'd left behind. Love doesn't last. Happy marriages don't exist. You're missing out on the adventure.
My legs were growing heavy. I knew I couldn't run forever. There were consequences I had to face and smoking bridges I had to repair. Still, I was so afraid of the aftermath on the other side. How was I to stand against people that would probably never agree with me, yet at the same time make concessions for my own mistakes against them? It was something I still had to figure out. I couldn't hide behind my books forever. James was right-- I needed to start living my life. There would be pain in standing tall while wounds were still so fresh, but pain was inevitable.

Pain was an essential part of the adventure, but it wasn't the whole thing. Love was out there, and if I could find it-- not some cheap imitation like lust or infatuation-- then I could push through the pain and conquer my fears. Natalie was wrong. Relationships weren't doomed from the start, and I didn't need to let them run their course.

When I found love, we would make the course.