HOME | DD

Description
*We see the current president George W. Bush standing placidly at a podium. Camera begins taping*

Good evening my fellow Americans.

Tonight is a night that will live in emphany. This date shall be known throughout the nation as one of the most influential and memorable days in our war in Iraq.

I stand before you as your beloved leader and the representative of your sacred nation.

As you very well know, we have been involved in an ongoing conflict with evil, Hell-bound Iraqi insurgents for democracy overseas. Iraq has been an oppressed nation for far too long under the rule of Saddam Hussain, and we, as a vessel of justice, democracy, and world peace, have attempted to free them from the unwavering iron curtain of dictatorship. Now I know you all have been through unbearable amounts of treachery and pain, for many of you have lost loved ones to this patriotic battle overseas. We will never forget them.

You, as good American citizens, have kept your faith in the powers of democracy, America, and general goodness. For that, I thank you. It has become clear from history that we must bond together during dangerous times such as these.

I am here with you today as your president to announce the most resent developments in Iraq, because, after all, I believe it is the government’s job to keep its citizens informed. I am here to tell you all that your work has not been useless. We have found the Weapons of Mass Destruction and finally have cold, hard proof of their existence. They are, alas, not nuclear missiles or methods of bioterrorism. No, they are far worst than we expected. They are more terrifying than anything we could ever imagine.

Now, I know what is on everyone’s mind right now. But before I tell you, I want to assure you that there is no need to panic. We are, at this very moment, working to destroy the WMDs.

These weapons, my fellow Americans, are liberals. Rabid, spiteful, vicious liberals.

I know you are all cowering in fear in reaction to this terrible message. You fear for you’re life in the present, and you fear for your existence in the future. You think constantly about the health and well-being of the ones you love, your fellow Americans.

But, alas, I do not know the words to express the terror these beings ignite. WE all know the hazards produced by liberals, but we never believed, even in our most wild and outragious of dreams, that a person could be so power-hungry, heartless, corrupt, and morally impure as these beings are.

Liberals are an angry and constantly frustrated species who will slice with their false yet hurtful words until you bleed out all of you fruitful patriotic blood. They will uncover a “problem” with every minuscule thought that you think and express. They will view anyone who is the least bit different and out-of-ordinary to be an oppressed person who is in dire need for emancipation, and a violent one at that. They will riot for these so-called rights and will work endlessly to overturn our placid and solid government. But we warn you, the most deadly of liberals are the ones who do nothing at all but whine. Their voice is a killer. It is a plague that no one–not even I, your ever-powerful leader–can escape or even cure. In the words of one brilliant journalist: [On] Planet Earth in the U.S. and pretty much anywhere else that you can think of, liberals are shrill, dishonest, hateful and above all, completely wrong which is the reason why they have to be so shrill, dishonest and hateful. (Bowers)

Liberals will preach to women that all men should be tortured, castrated, raped with a razor-dildo, and then murdered. they will shout and scream over the voices of dissenting black people that innocent, God-fearing white men should pay for their forefather’s behavior, as well as their proclaimed “racist” behavior in the present, by becoming slaves to the black man. These environmental freaks of nature will impose their belief that the only way to protect our Earth’s resources is to destroy all buildings, methods of transportation, and possessions to live in the filthy, vile dirt–or as they say, “natural beauty”–of the forest. They will cry over the protesting voices of millions that the only way to acknowledge an animal is to treat it as an equal. For instance, in the words of some brain-dead pot-smoking hippy: “Animals are people too, so we should treat them like we treat our fellow humans. God placed them on this beloved planet to be our acquaintances, friends, families, and even lovers. Miranda, the goat, and I have been together for over five years.”

Yes, America, this man has married a goat. This is even worse than polygamy, and dare I say it, same-sex marriage.

But the travesties continue. These vile beasts shall tell you that I, your popular and supportive president, is plotting against you. They shall claim that I do not care for your well-being and happiness, but instead care only for the few rich men who reside here in America. They shall claim that I, George W. Bush, is an evil doer worse than Satan himself. In reality, as one good American says:

But back to reality on Planet Earth, where under the direction of a Republican presidential administration in the United States, the economy is booming, we’re kicking butt in the War on Terror, having mopped up Fallujah in mere days, and we’re talking about all kinds of positive domestic and foreign initiatives. Tax cuts for business. Making the current payroll tax cuts more permanent than they already are. Actual cuts in government spending. Protecting the sanctity of marriage from attack by activist judges. Developing a comprehensive energy plan that includes drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Range while developing more alternative sources of energy such as ethanol and hydrogen. Meanwhile, under the leadership of a conservative president, the terrorists haven’t been able to attack us on our own soil in better than three years. (Bowers)

Bowers accurately conveys that these “dummocrats,” as he calls them, are not honest, hard-working Americans, but instead are filthy, wretched liars. It is of the utmost importance that we fight against their false news and unjust beliefs.

As liberals only whine and crab about the world around them, your military leaders and I have decided that the only conceivable way to exterminate liberals is to place them in a precisely constructed Utopia where they have absolutely nothing to complain about. It is clear that if they can find absolutely nothing wrong, they will wither away to extinction. However, to achieve such a spectacular feat, we must discover and analyze all of their opinions so such a heaven can exist. But do not worry. We have the best military strategists, spies, psychologists, and engineers in the world on the job. And what do they have? Michael Moore? Hilary Clinton? Pot-smoking Grateful Dead fans? They don’t stand a chance.

But until this final day arrives, you must try your best to protect you and your fellow American comrades. Smokers, SUV owners, and factory owners, you must watch you for their well-placed and money-sucking tree-friendly booby-traps. Trust no one in the EPA; we cannot be sure of their intentions at this moment. Men, you must keep the women in your life from the daggers of their propaganda. Hide all knives and sharp objects from their grasp, even if you trust them to be faithful. Whites, you must watch out for your multi-colored peers and hide them from a horrifying abduction to what is claimed to be an “equal society.” Gays, you must watch out for their strange sexual profanity which claims that you are not sinners and should actually, well, get married. Do not underestimate their power. Too much American blood has been lost this way.

I am aware that you all will be on guard, for I place my full trust in your conviction. We, the Federal Government, ask for any information–even if it is only a suspicion–that you may have. Watch everyone, even your family, lovers, and closest of friends, for you can never be too careful. We beg–I beg–for your bravery and assertiveness in this treacherous and dark time. We must unite and fight with all our might to save American democracy from this plague. We vow that anyone that is caught shall face true justice and be punished for their treason.

Before I leave, I would like to tell you to remember your leaders. Remember the people who you can trust.

I bid you goodnight.

God bless America.

Description
*We see the current president George W. Bush standing placidly at a podium. Camera begins taping*

Good evening my fellow Americans.

Tonight is a night that will live in emphany. This date shall be known throughout the nation as one of the most influential and memorable days in our war in Iraq.

I stand before you as your beloved leader and the representative of your sacred nation.

As you very well know, we have been involved in an ongoing conflict with evil, Hell-bound Iraqi insurgents for democracy overseas. Iraq has been an oppressed nation for far too long under the rule of Saddam Hussain, and we, as a vessel of justice, democracy, and world peace, have attempted to free them from the unwavering iron curtain of dictatorship. Now I know you all have been through unbearable amounts of treachery and pain, for many of you have lost loved ones to this patriotic battle overseas. We will never forget them.

You, as good American citizens, have kept your faith in the powers of democracy, America, and general goodness. For that, I thank you. It has become clear from history that we must bond together during dangerous times such as these.

I am here with you today as your president to announce the most resent developments in Iraq, because, after all, I believe it is the government’s job to keep its citizens informed. I am here to tell you all that your work has not been useless. We have found the Weapons of Mass Destruction and finally have cold, hard proof of their existence. They are, alas, not nuclear missiles or methods of bioterrorism. No, they are far worst than we expected. They are more terrifying than anything we could ever imagine.

Now, I know what is on everyone’s mind right now. But before I tell you, I want to assure you that there is no need to panic. We are, at this very moment, working to destroy the WMDs.

These weapons, my fellow Americans, are liberals. Rabid, spiteful, vicious liberals.

I know you are all cowering in fear in reaction to this terrible message. You fear for you’re life in the present, and you fear for your existence in the future. You think constantly about the health and well-being of the ones you love, your fellow Americans.

But, alas, I do not know the words to express the terror these beings ignite. WE all know the hazards produced by liberals, but we never believed, even in our most wild and outragious of dreams, that a person could be so power-hungry, heartless, corrupt, and morally impure as these beings are.

Liberals are an angry and constantly frustrated species who will slice with their false yet hurtful words until you bleed out all of you fruitful patriotic blood. They will uncover a “problem” with every minuscule thought that you think and express. They will view anyone who is the least bit different and out-of-ordinary to be an oppressed person who is in dire need for emancipation, and a violent one at that. They will riot for these so-called rights and will work endlessly to overturn our placid and solid government. But we warn you, the most deadly of liberals are the ones who do nothing at all but whine. Their voice is a killer. It is a plague that no one–not even I, your ever-powerful leader–can escape or even cure. In the words of one brilliant journalist: [On] Planet Earth in the U.S. and pretty much anywhere else that you can think of, liberals are shrill, dishonest, hateful and above all, completely wrong which is the reason why they have to be so shrill, dishonest and hateful. (Bowers)

Liberals will preach to women that all men should be tortured, castrated, raped with a razor-dildo, and then murdered. they will shout and scream over the voices of dissenting black people that innocent, God-fearing white men should pay for their forefather’s behavior, as well as their proclaimed “racist” behavior in the present, by becoming slaves to the black man. These environmental freaks of nature will impose their belief that the only way to protect our Earth’s resources is to destroy all buildings, methods of transportation, and possessions to live in the filthy, vile dirt–or as they say, “natural beauty”–of the forest. They will cry over the protesting voices of millions that the only way to acknowledge an animal is to treat it as an equal. For instance, in the words of some brain-dead pot-smoking hippy: “Animals are people too, so we should treat them like we treat our fellow humans. God placed them on this beloved planet to be our acquaintances, friends, families, and even lovers. Miranda, the goat, and I have been together for over five years.”

Yes, America, this man has married a goat. This is even worse than polygamy, and dare I say it, same-sex marriage.

But the travesties continue. These vile beasts shall tell you that I, your popular and supportive president, is plotting against you. They shall claim that I do not care for your well-being and happiness, but instead care only for the few rich men who reside here in America. They shall claim that I, George W. Bush, is an evil doer worse than Satan himself. In reality, as one good American says:

But back to reality on Planet Earth, where under the direction of a Republican presidential administration in the United States, the economy is booming, we’re kicking butt in the War on Terror, having mopped up Fallujah in mere days, and we’re talking about all kinds of positive domestic and foreign initiatives. Tax cuts for business. Making the current payroll tax cuts more permanent than they already are. Actual cuts in government spending. Protecting the sanctity of marriage from attack by activist judges. Developing a comprehensive energy plan that includes drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Range while developing more alternative sources of energy such as ethanol and hydrogen. Meanwhile, under the leadership of a conservative president, the terrorists haven’t been able to attack us on our own soil in better than three years. (Bowers)

Bowers accurately conveys that these “dummocrats,” as he calls them, are not honest, hard-working Americans, but instead are filthy, wretched liars. It is of the utmost importance that we fight against their false news and unjust beliefs.

As liberals only whine and crab about the world around them, your military leaders and I have decided that the only conceivable way to exterminate liberals is to place them in a precisely constructed Utopia where they have absolutely nothing to complain about. It is clear that if they can find absolutely nothing wrong, they will wither away to extinction. However, to achieve such a spectacular feat, we must discover and analyze all of their opinions so such a heaven can exist. But do not worry. We have the best military strategists, spies, psychologists, and engineers in the world on the job. And what do they have? Michael Moore? Hilary Clinton? Pot-smoking Grateful Dead fans? They don’t stand a chance.

But until this final day arrives, you must try your best to protect you and your fellow American comrades. Smokers, SUV owners, and factory owners, you must watch you for their well-placed and money-sucking tree-friendly booby-traps. Trust no one in the EPA; we cannot be sure of their intentions at this moment. Men, you must keep the women in your life from the daggers of their propaganda. Hide all knives and sharp objects from their grasp, even if you trust them to be faithful. Whites, you must watch out for your multi-colored peers and hide them from a horrifying abduction to what is claimed to be an “equal society.” Gays, you must watch out for their strange sexual profanity which claims that you are not sinners and should actually, well, get married. Do not underestimate their power. Too much American blood has been lost this way.

I am aware that you all will be on guard, for I place my full trust in your conviction. We, the Federal Government, ask for any information–even if it is only a suspicion–that you may have. Watch everyone, even your family, lovers, and closest of friends, for you can never be too careful. We beg–I beg–for your bravery and assertiveness in this treacherous and dark time. We must unite and fight with all our might to save American democracy from this plague. We vow that anyone that is caught shall face true justice and be punished for their treason.

Before I leave, I would like to tell you to remember your leaders. Remember the people who you can trust.

I bid you goodnight.

God bless America.