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Description
The Makings of America: A Time Line

1620–Pilgrims land on a big tourist attraction called Plymouth rock. They were refugees from England who were trying to escape the angry Crustaceans in their homeland.
–Thanksgiving is founded. Pilgrims and Indians advertise great deals on turkeys to stimulate economy (2 for 1 deal!).

1676–Misuse of Bacon causes it to rebel against “the Man.”

1692–Salem witchcraft trials outlaw pointy hats, warts, and flying brooms. Bonfires become popular.

1730s-1740s–God’s angry hand becomes a pop culture icon with the introduction of one-hit-wonder John Edwards. It is the first orgasm to bind together the numerous American religions.

1752–Bejamine Franklin flies a kite. No one gives a shit.

1760–King George III, the third monarch from the noble House of Hangover, is crowned. Known for having 15 children. Becomes Mormon idol.

1765–A bunch of Acts take place. Americans begin to suffer a nationwide plague of PMS.

1767–Townshend Acts place taxes on imports, but smugglers begin raping foreign ports to satisfy appetite.

1770–Boston Massacre begins the tradition of killing off the one-and-only tolkin Black dude first with the death of Crispus Attucks, a mulatto sailor.

1773–In response to Tea Act, Americans play dress up and have a tea party in Boston Harbor. Often considered the first call for gay rights in American history. “It was MARVOLOUS, dear! I just can’t have fun without my tea, darling.” –A Bear.

1774–Intolerable Acts passed. Whiny American pussies continue squealing. Britain officially becomes an asshole.

1775–Some battles take place between the Brits and the Patriots. Only this time there’s guns.

1776–Declaration of Independence passed on July 4th, which is lovely known as Independence Day and is a national holiday. Also the name of a crummy sci-fi movie. I bet they saw that coming...sceeming bastards...

1777–Battle of Saratoga shows the French that U.S. of A isn’t only a sissy state but is a sissy state with the ability to kill things. As they share the same title–though don’t exactly appreciate it–they give the patriots money and troops. We cheer. Yay.

1777–Vermont passes the Constitution of Vermont, which lovely outlaws slavery. They later become the only state which allows some form of gay marriage. However, no one talks about it much since they’re unwilling to acknowledge how a bunch of country bumpkins can do more than the educated aristocrats do in a hundred or so years.

1777–Articles of Confederation adopted. It sucked. Hard.

1781–Articles of Confederation ratified. Now it can suck while having command over a nation. America officially can be referred to as a “baby.”

1787–Constitutional Convention occurs in Philly (land of the cheese steak) due to the widespread discontent with the Articles of Confederation. A group of aristocratic but brilliant politicians meet to discuss the future of the American government. But we all know they were just hiding from us crazy common people. (“No taxation without–ooh look a bird!” –Nathaniel Hawthorne). Some of the main features of the event were: Roger Sherman’s compromise to satisfy both the New Jersey and Virginia Plans, the legal dissection of slaves, and Franklin’s strip dance to his favorite Bible hymns.

1789–George Washington becomes president. Wooden teeth, wigs, and facial potholes coincidently become America’s first fad (and they thought Pokemon was bad!).

1789–Judiciary Act of ‘89 establishes the Supreme Court. We swear to God this government was not stolen from the Romans.

1791–Bill of Rights established. Rich upper class white people with penises are now legally superior to every other entity on the globe. Their motto: “Go penis!”

1793–Fugitive Slave Act makes life worse for black slaves and the Founding Fathers essentially piss on th

1794–Whiskey Rebellion occurs. VH1 declares it the “#1 Most Metal Moment” in their series “I Love the 1790s.” Ratings drop faster than sex-exhausted rabbits.

1797–The XYZ affair occurs in France and proves that at least one European country knows the last three letters of the alphabet.

1803–[Insert racist French joke here]. Napoloen: “My cock is much bigger than yours.”

1809–Non-Intercorse Act established. It was better to bang your family’s dog anyway.

1814–New England finds its place in the world in the catagory of: “uncompromising, pussy-footing douchebags.” No change has been made.

1820–Maine becomes a state. Somewhere a student dies. Stop the hate brother.

1830–Indians booted out of land and shoved on to government established reservations. Lots of blood, lots of misery. I won’t bash this one.

Description
The Makings of America: A Time Line

1620–Pilgrims land on a big tourist attraction called Plymouth rock. They were refugees from England who were trying to escape the angry Crustaceans in their homeland.
–Thanksgiving is founded. Pilgrims and Indians advertise great deals on turkeys to stimulate economy (2 for 1 deal!).

1676–Misuse of Bacon causes it to rebel against “the Man.”

1692–Salem witchcraft trials outlaw pointy hats, warts, and flying brooms. Bonfires become popular.

1730s-1740s–God’s angry hand becomes a pop culture icon with the introduction of one-hit-wonder John Edwards. It is the first orgasm to bind together the numerous American religions.

1752–Bejamine Franklin flies a kite. No one gives a shit.

1760–King George III, the third monarch from the noble House of Hangover, is crowned. Known for having 15 children. Becomes Mormon idol.

1765–A bunch of Acts take place. Americans begin to suffer a nationwide plague of PMS.

1767–Townshend Acts place taxes on imports, but smugglers begin raping foreign ports to satisfy appetite.

1770–Boston Massacre begins the tradition of killing off the one-and-only tolkin Black dude first with the death of Crispus Attucks, a mulatto sailor.

1773–In response to Tea Act, Americans play dress up and have a tea party in Boston Harbor. Often considered the first call for gay rights in American history. “It was MARVOLOUS, dear! I just can’t have fun without my tea, darling.” –A Bear.

1774–Intolerable Acts passed. Whiny American pussies continue squealing. Britain officially becomes an asshole.

1775–Some battles take place between the Brits and the Patriots. Only this time there’s guns.

1776–Declaration of Independence passed on July 4th, which is lovely known as Independence Day and is a national holiday. Also the name of a crummy sci-fi movie. I bet they saw that coming...sceeming bastards...

1777–Battle of Saratoga shows the French that U.S. of A isn’t only a sissy state but is a sissy state with the ability to kill things. As they share the same title–though don’t exactly appreciate it–they give the patriots money and troops. We cheer. Yay.

1777–Vermont passes the Constitution of Vermont, which lovely outlaws slavery. They later become the only state which allows some form of gay marriage. However, no one talks about it much since they’re unwilling to acknowledge how a bunch of country bumpkins can do more than the educated aristocrats do in a hundred or so years.

1777–Articles of Confederation adopted. It sucked. Hard.

1781–Articles of Confederation ratified. Now it can suck while having command over a nation. America officially can be referred to as a “baby.”

1787–Constitutional Convention occurs in Philly (land of the cheese steak) due to the widespread discontent with the Articles of Confederation. A group of aristocratic but brilliant politicians meet to discuss the future of the American government. But we all know they were just hiding from us crazy common people. (“No taxation without–ooh look a bird!” –Nathaniel Hawthorne). Some of the main features of the event were: Roger Sherman’s compromise to satisfy both the New Jersey and Virginia Plans, the legal dissection of slaves, and Franklin’s strip dance to his favorite Bible hymns.

1789–George Washington becomes president. Wooden teeth, wigs, and facial potholes coincidently become America’s first fad (and they thought Pokemon was bad!).

1789–Judiciary Act of ‘89 establishes the Supreme Court. We swear to God this government was not stolen from the Romans.

1791–Bill of Rights established. Rich upper class white people with penises are now legally superior to every other entity on the globe. Their motto: “Go penis!”

1793–Fugitive Slave Act makes life worse for black slaves and the Founding Fathers essentially piss on th

1794–Whiskey Rebellion occurs. VH1 declares it the “#1 Most Metal Moment” in their series “I Love the 1790s.” Ratings drop faster than sex-exhausted rabbits.

1797–The XYZ affair occurs in France and proves that at least one European country knows the last three letters of the alphabet.

1803–[Insert racist French joke here]. Napoloen: “My cock is much bigger than yours.”

1809–Non-Intercorse Act established. It was better to bang your family’s dog anyway.

1814–New England finds its place in the world in the catagory of: “uncompromising, pussy-footing douchebags.” No change has been made.

1820–Maine becomes a state. Somewhere a student dies. Stop the hate brother.

1830–Indians booted out of land and shoved on to government established reservations. Lots of blood, lots of misery. I won’t bash this one.