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US Surgeon General Condemns Existential Concerns as “Dangerous”

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the tragic state of the average American’s health, the Surgeon General along with various other collaborators from the Food and Drug Association and US Department of Health and Human Services have begun extensive investigations today’s choices of lifestyle. The acting Surgeon General --Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu – stated in Friday’s press conference: “It is necessary – nay, inevitable – that these investigations would occur. We live now in a dire state of being despite the progressive actions taken by medical researchers and producers. As it is my duty and calling to serve as the leader of such a grand crusade, I have rounded up a hoard of warriors to accomplish the task. We shall strengthen America greatly if the well-being of the individual is acknowledged.”

              Moritsugu cited the traditional sources of ill-being: the prominent use of tobacco products, the consumption of fast-food and related temptations, the heavy reliance on automobiles for transportation, the encouragement of sedentary activities such as television or computer games, the decline in time spent exercising, etc. One point was rare; that is, the negative impact existential concerns have had on the American citizen. Unlike the statements associated with that of the Christian right, Moritsugu’s point went as follows: too much time is spent questioning one’s “True” purpose thereby draws the person away from earthly concerns (i.e. health, family).

            “What is overlooked is our purpose: our purpose is not to spend time finding the truth, but it is rather to focus on the ‘now’ and the events around us. There are more important duties in life than sitting around like English intellectuals questioning the meaning of our existence. Why worry? All it’s doing is setting yourself up for cardiac arrest in your late fifties or early sixties,” said Admiral David Satcher, the Assistant Secretary for Health and Surgeon General. “Around seven million Americans admit to being clinically depressed as well; this is an undeniably tremendous number. Countless psychologists have pointed to existential issues as the cause of depressive attacks and suicidal thoughts. It’s not worth it.”

            Moritsugu’s statement struck a chord among the clergy figures and intensely religious citizens, many of who claimed it to be a blatant attack on the church. The Society of St. Pius X – also known as SSPX – was one of the first groups to speak out against Moritsugu’s actions, saying that his behavior only provided testimony to the government’s hatred of Christianity.

            “Next thing you know, theyll say Our Blessed Lord is a bad influence on the children,” said one woman. “That’s ridiculous. Praising Him does not cause ulcers. He’s overlooked the bigger issue at hand: women in pants. O the blasphemy!”

            She then continued to discuss how she crashed her car into a large elm tree after witnessing a female walk by in a pair of baggy jeans.

            Evangelists across the country agreed with SSPX, groaning about the impact Moritsugu’s statements would – and have had – on their work. Many agreed that their numbers would most likely crash and church membership would quite possibly dive into the negatives as countless citizens realized that it was more important for their families to sleep as much as necessary on Sunday mornings than to sing hymns to a long-dead historical figure.

            “After all, it’s necessary for us to get a full eight to ten hours of sleep a night,” said one citizen of Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s no substantial proof that I’ll get into Heaven, but I do know sleep is very important to my liver.”

            To the disgust of the Evangelical community, atheists and devout followers of post-modern philosophy – primarily Nietzsche and Sartre – banded together with many relieved church-goers to promote Moritsugu’s ideals. Chick tracks were handed out with the title: “Don’t Worry: Git on Yer Knees and Praise Jesus,” which upon inspection appeared to use the Surgeon General’s argument to promote salvation by faith alone. A band of mathematicians recently fired from MIT joined in the march, citing their past works as proof Moritsugu was correct.

            “I began work on string theory in the late-eighties at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A few scientists and I collaborated on the new and reformed string theory: M-theory, which incorporated nearly all of the old string theories into one. After going more in-depth in the mathematics, I found myself asking whether or not I had overlooked some Higher Being. I questioned mostly over alcohol. I questioned a lot over alcohol at school. Apparently employers aren’t a fan of that.”

            When questioned on the impact his sexual relations with a twelve-year-old astronomy fanatic had on tenure, he offered no information and instead walked off saying: “O my sweet love, my life is ruined.”

Meanwhile, a group of irritated theologians bombarded the state capital, only to be followed by frustrated agnostics preaching the downfall of Western civilization based on what appeared to be “mind-controlling fascist ideals.”

            “Man, I’m bummed,” said Jeffery Tiles, a twenty-three year old agnostic and lover of all things Huxley (the senior). “What America doesn’t understand is t-shirts and flat-screen Sony televisions don’t matter at all. In fact, to be a good citizen we have to realize that materialism is just a shallow structure to cover up our fallacies. If we wish to be ‘healthy,’ we have to focus on more metaphysical constructs. If anything, it’s these ‘earthly concerns’ that are causing us to pass away. Moritsugu failed to see that fast-food and tobacco fall under material goods, and they will become even more prominent as Americans become more and more existentially confused.”

            According to the American Psychological Association, binges on either food or material good like clothes or compact discs are usually an attempt to conceal inner mental turmoil. Hence – as one recent article says – it is not a sufficient belief system to base one’s life upon and is more likely to be a temporal method of relief (Fredrik 348)*. Moritsugu, however, refused to respond to this argument.

            “There’s nothing wrong with having a release,” he said. “That’s healthy. Questioning everything isn’t, as I have already shown. We need to watch out for our own person before we can fulfill the needs of others; hence, we need to take care of ourselves before worrying about some ‘Higher Meaning.’”

            Moments later he added: “Plus, there’s no substantial evidence either way, so people should stop arguing. Heated debates raise your blood pressure.”



*N.B.: This citation is what we would call “bull excretion.”

Description
US Surgeon General Condemns Existential Concerns as “Dangerous”

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the tragic state of the average American’s health, the Surgeon General along with various other collaborators from the Food and Drug Association and US Department of Health and Human Services have begun extensive investigations today’s choices of lifestyle. The acting Surgeon General --Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu – stated in Friday’s press conference: “It is necessary – nay, inevitable – that these investigations would occur. We live now in a dire state of being despite the progressive actions taken by medical researchers and producers. As it is my duty and calling to serve as the leader of such a grand crusade, I have rounded up a hoard of warriors to accomplish the task. We shall strengthen America greatly if the well-being of the individual is acknowledged.”

              Moritsugu cited the traditional sources of ill-being: the prominent use of tobacco products, the consumption of fast-food and related temptations, the heavy reliance on automobiles for transportation, the encouragement of sedentary activities such as television or computer games, the decline in time spent exercising, etc. One point was rare; that is, the negative impact existential concerns have had on the American citizen. Unlike the statements associated with that of the Christian right, Moritsugu’s point went as follows: too much time is spent questioning one’s “True” purpose thereby draws the person away from earthly concerns (i.e. health, family).

            “What is overlooked is our purpose: our purpose is not to spend time finding the truth, but it is rather to focus on the ‘now’ and the events around us. There are more important duties in life than sitting around like English intellectuals questioning the meaning of our existence. Why worry? All it’s doing is setting yourself up for cardiac arrest in your late fifties or early sixties,” said Admiral David Satcher, the Assistant Secretary for Health and Surgeon General. “Around seven million Americans admit to being clinically depressed as well; this is an undeniably tremendous number. Countless psychologists have pointed to existential issues as the cause of depressive attacks and suicidal thoughts. It’s not worth it.”

            Moritsugu’s statement struck a chord among the clergy figures and intensely religious citizens, many of who claimed it to be a blatant attack on the church. The Society of St. Pius X – also known as SSPX – was one of the first groups to speak out against Moritsugu’s actions, saying that his behavior only provided testimony to the government’s hatred of Christianity.

            “Next thing you know, theyll say Our Blessed Lord is a bad influence on the children,” said one woman. “That’s ridiculous. Praising Him does not cause ulcers. He’s overlooked the bigger issue at hand: women in pants. O the blasphemy!”

            She then continued to discuss how she crashed her car into a large elm tree after witnessing a female walk by in a pair of baggy jeans.

            Evangelists across the country agreed with SSPX, groaning about the impact Moritsugu’s statements would – and have had – on their work. Many agreed that their numbers would most likely crash and church membership would quite possibly dive into the negatives as countless citizens realized that it was more important for their families to sleep as much as necessary on Sunday mornings than to sing hymns to a long-dead historical figure.

            “After all, it’s necessary for us to get a full eight to ten hours of sleep a night,” said one citizen of Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s no substantial proof that I’ll get into Heaven, but I do know sleep is very important to my liver.”

            To the disgust of the Evangelical community, atheists and devout followers of post-modern philosophy – primarily Nietzsche and Sartre – banded together with many relieved church-goers to promote Moritsugu’s ideals. Chick tracks were handed out with the title: “Don’t Worry: Git on Yer Knees and Praise Jesus,” which upon inspection appeared to use the Surgeon General’s argument to promote salvation by faith alone. A band of mathematicians recently fired from MIT joined in the march, citing their past works as proof Moritsugu was correct.

            “I began work on string theory in the late-eighties at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A few scientists and I collaborated on the new and reformed string theory: M-theory, which incorporated nearly all of the old string theories into one. After going more in-depth in the mathematics, I found myself asking whether or not I had overlooked some Higher Being. I questioned mostly over alcohol. I questioned a lot over alcohol at school. Apparently employers aren’t a fan of that.”

            When questioned on the impact his sexual relations with a twelve-year-old astronomy fanatic had on tenure, he offered no information and instead walked off saying: “O my sweet love, my life is ruined.”

Meanwhile, a group of irritated theologians bombarded the state capital, only to be followed by frustrated agnostics preaching the downfall of Western civilization based on what appeared to be “mind-controlling fascist ideals.”

            “Man, I’m bummed,” said Jeffery Tiles, a twenty-three year old agnostic and lover of all things Huxley (the senior). “What America doesn’t understand is t-shirts and flat-screen Sony televisions don’t matter at all. In fact, to be a good citizen we have to realize that materialism is just a shallow structure to cover up our fallacies. If we wish to be ‘healthy,’ we have to focus on more metaphysical constructs. If anything, it’s these ‘earthly concerns’ that are causing us to pass away. Moritsugu failed to see that fast-food and tobacco fall under material goods, and they will become even more prominent as Americans become more and more existentially confused.”

            According to the American Psychological Association, binges on either food or material good like clothes or compact discs are usually an attempt to conceal inner mental turmoil. Hence – as one recent article says – it is not a sufficient belief system to base one’s life upon and is more likely to be a temporal method of relief (Fredrik 348)*. Moritsugu, however, refused to respond to this argument.

            “There’s nothing wrong with having a release,” he said. “That’s healthy. Questioning everything isn’t, as I have already shown. We need to watch out for our own person before we can fulfill the needs of others; hence, we need to take care of ourselves before worrying about some ‘Higher Meaning.’”

            Moments later he added: “Plus, there’s no substantial evidence either way, so people should stop arguing. Heated debates raise your blood pressure.”



*N.B.: This citation is what we would call “bull excretion.”