HOME | DD
inmyroom — Headphones and Expansion
Published: 2005-12-03 22:00:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 3829; Favourites: 57; Downloads: 178
Redirect to original
Description
I am the soles of his shoes, I must like the feeling of my cheeksagainst the gravel, he presses my jawline in
hard, I keep coming back in an attempt to pluck out
each pin shaped stone. There is not much inside apart from old cogs
and plastic tubes that twist around my spine,
something burrows into my stomach and sits,
clattering as I breathe and I have to keep on hushing it up
as its fingers start to pull my ribs apart
so the world can eye my heart up, open like empty drawers,
so I can walk around with my pores unfastened
spilling out everywhere.
I did not mean to crawl so far into his jean pockets
because I knew it would be so hard to wash my skin
out of their fabric. He is like a two AM fire alarm, loud
and I must heave my body up and stumble down the stairs,
'it's too cold to stand outside with all these half-asleep students
at this time in a morning, will you let me back in?'
He makes it rain and my eyelashes do not make good window screen wipers
anymore.
There's a book of poetry on the table
and he puts his cup of coffee
on it. I have never thought of my heart
as a book of poetry
until then.
Comments: 64
i adore this.
"I knew it would be so hard to wash my skin
out of their fabric."
favorite line.
this poem needs to be picked apart and sorted as you read it, i love that.
"He makes it rain and my eyelashes do not make good window screen wipers
anymore."
i think it would flow more naturally if this were "windshield wipers"
it's very delicious and difficult to digest.
wonderful job.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
ooh. this is intense.
the last line is my absolute favorite.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That last stanza could stand alone as a poem in its own right. It is a very strong ending.
"so the world can eye my heart up, open like empty drawers" when I read this out loud the up made me stumble. If it is not a very important word choice, removing it might make the line flow even better.
My favorite line is, "I did not mean to crawl so far into his jean pockets/
because I knew it would be so hard to wash my skin/out of their fabric."
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
There's a book of poetry on the table
and he puts his cup of coffee
on it. I have never thought of my heart
as a book of poetry
until then.
I know the feeling.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I did not mean to crawl so far into his jean poket
because I knew it would be so hard to wash my skin
out of their fabric.
"pocket," I take it? I think "their" in this context is meant to refer to jeans, but since the previous reference was to jean pocket, the use should be singular, at least to my ear.
The final stanza is so quiet and strong, simple and clean - the body has a lot of layered (and sometimes conflicting) metaphors - you've used two comparisons of the heart, for instance, one to empty drawers and the other at the end to the book of poetry. The implication, I'd guess, is that a book of poetry is then something of an empty drawer...but that seems to conflict with the physicality of the book, which serves as a stand for the coffee cup. I enjoy both usages, but a little more thought about the connections between them could help to make the piece stronger and more concise.
This poem reminds me a little of =manchaliaina 's writing - a strong compliment, as she's one of my favorites. Must be all the declaratives in the negative
Thanks for the read and the opportunity to critique such wonderful stuff.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you, I really need to work on connecting images together, I always seem to have too many random ones in the same pieces, heh.
I agree I should be consistent with singular use, I'll go edit now.
I read some of manchaliaina's writing, her work is good, I added her to my watch.
Thanks again.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
AMAZING.
god, who says that once a poet writes long enough their style never changes. THEY LIE.
YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You know, whenever i see your name in my deviation inbox, I always have this surge of expectancy, something you never fail to deliver on! This is simply incredible.
The concept of this whole piece is actually stunning, I savoured every last second of it. What I love about it is that it's different to your other poems, you're evolving, your experimenting. All of which i approve of greatly! It's been said, but the last stanza is surly the best thing I've read today.
There is something slightly wrong with the punctuation and breaking up of this piece I feel. I think perhaps an extra stanza, or some bracketing would not go amiss. Sorry i can't bemore detailed, but I think where the breaks go is more up to you than to me.
Marvellous work as usual!
xxTxx
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
thats really well written, they way every things set out and how its written. very fantastic piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
this poem is amazing. i am in love with the last verse
There's a book of poetry on the table
and he puts his cup of coffee
on it. I have never thought of my heart
as a book of poetry
until then.
+fav..
-tabi
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
So I thought it was written well enough, so I commented and said so.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i fell in love with the last stanza
amazing job.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
oh my. this is amazing. that is just about all i can say.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It comes as a very good thing that you like to create such original images. Time and time again, you amaze me...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow. that's amazing, and the ending is heartstopping.
i loved it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very nice work. I absolutely loved it. I loved the reference to the Fire Alarm....very very nice!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
you have a very unique way of putting things-I love that and this poem is great! Well done!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love this piece..The way you started it out gives the reader two directions to go with this poem, a literal translation, a day in the life of a shoe, or a poetic insight, which is what you point further towards..The way it's brought out in your lines and your pauses though, it really is a story inside a poem, and the imagery is fantastic!! This is another fantastic piece from you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I liked the entire poem,
But the end is so so beautiful!! wish I could make ends like that 
I just recommend on using shorter verses
Keep on writing like that!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
nice
I'm always amazed how you get so many comments on poetry.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
GR8 poem
I would comment more but I have a penis and I got to work.....
:3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm glad I read this. Pure amazement. Pure talent. Envy....
love it
<3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
If splendiforous was a real word then it would work superply here. Yet another great masterpiece pulled out of your head for us to examine. It's a wonder how after all the great poems you've made, that you still have the inspiration to make more. Right now, I need some, I'm run dry. Must be the winter air, there's just no moisture in it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow, so wow. gosh that's amazing
you are incredible.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
the ending is spectacular. it's just about the perfect finale.
a little suggestion - at the beginning, try putting in some periods and/or some pronouns instead of the running on tale. I think it'd definitely help the flow of the words and would also make me take the poem a bit more seriously.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nice poem. The title's good. "...open like empty drawers, so I can walk around with my pores unfastened," is my favourite line. The 2 am alarm was a good section too, a nice auditory sense appeal most people leave out. Good work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow. i love it. you describe emotion so well, in ways other people would never think to... i always look forward to seeing more of your stuff posted.
the only thing that threw me off about the last stanza was the tenses... perhaps saying "i had never" instead of "i have never"? because what it's saying is that now, you do think of it that way, so past tense might read slightly better.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
*jawdrops* Each time I read one of your pieces, I always fall in love with it. This piece is no different.
Your work is different and it's perfect that way. But there is one place that seems funky.
He makes it rain and my eyelashes do not make good window screen wipers
anymore.
The word "screen" does seem to throw it slightly off. That's the only place that I see that seems off. Otherwise this poem is excellant and I can't wait to read more from you.
~Have a good day!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
freeking hell i 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
'He makes it rain and my eyelashes do not make good window screen wipers
anymore'
I loved that line 
I really like what you are trying to say here, I only have a few suggestions for you:
'he presses my jawline in hard' - I feel this could be a more impacting phrase if you replaced the word 'hard' with something else that meant hard, like roughly or whatever
Also, I think the last line of that stanza could be ended with a full stop instead of a comma.
'hushing it up' and 'heart up' are too close together, I think it's a little off throwing to have the same word (up) repeated so shortly after the first time.
I hope I've been helpful.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
"I did not mean to crawl so far into his jean poket
because I knew it would be so hard to wash my skin
out of their fabric."
That is frickin' beautiful. the ending is also one of the best I have read in a long, long time. you're extremely good at endings..i don't recall the name of the other poem, but the one about a car wreck..that ending.. very high on my list. such strong endings completely make the poem. you're fascinatingly brilliant... hope you know that.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
yeah sorry about that. my bad! so nice i commented twice
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
really liked this. especially as it got towards the end. how is he like a fire alarm? in that he makes you disoriented, cold and alone? i also really like the first sentence but perhaps it would be just as effective broken up a bit?just with punctuation i mean, to let your words sink in before the reader moves on?
" I am the soles of his shoes; I must like the feeling of my cheeks
against the gravel. he presses my jawline in
hard (I keep coming back in an attempt to pluck out
each pin shaped stone). There is not much inside apart from old cogs
and plastic tubes that twist around my spine. "
meh whatever its still great as it is but the beauty of the words could get a bit lost in the flow? lol not making sense am i?
i love the comparison between the heart and empty drawers. why hasnt anyone thought of that before? it's so perfect!
the last stanza (paragraph?) ties it up nicely and simply and slows the pace down to a last lingering simile which is quite evokative and emotive. very enjoyable to read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
really liked this. especially as it got towards the end. how is he like a fire alarm? in that he makes you disoriented, cold and alone? i also really like the first sentence but perhaps it would be just as effective broken up a bit?just with punctuation i mean, to let your words sink in before the reader moves on?
I am the soles of his shoes; I must like the feeling of my cheeks
against the gravel. he presses my jawline in
hard (I keep coming back in an attempt to pluck out
each pin shaped stone). There is not much inside apart from old cogs
and plastic tubes that twist around my spine.
meh whatever its still great as it is but the beauty of the words could get a bit lost in the flow? lol not making sense am i?
i love the comparison between the heat and empty drawers. why hasnt anyone thought of that before? it's so perfect!
the last stanza (paragraph?) ties it up nicely and simply and slows the pace down to a last lingering simile which is quite evokative and emotive. very enjoyable to read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
There's a book of poetry on the table
and he puts his cup of coffee
on it. I have never thought of my heart
as a book of poetry
until then.
liked them
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That is so sad. (Yes, i am full of descriptive words)
Beautiful
kaelyn rei
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
WOW! that is absolutely beautiful, i am sorry he made your heart break. That is an aboslute magnifcent piece i love how you form your metaphors, and how you word eveyrthing it is just genius nice work
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
that last stanze was beautiful, the perfect ending to another masterpiece!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>