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Description
I listened to Bon Iver again. The last time I listened to Bon Iver I was 16 then I put it in that box of "things to forget, too painful to remember". Each phase in my life feels like a seperate time, as if I lived too many lives and at the same time not enough. Just recently I felt alive for the first time in 21 years, before I had practiced dying in different ways. Because trying to survive to me meant, folding up and being someone else, burying the true self away, hoping it won't be destroyed if not even I know where I am hiding it away. I was proud of the emptiness in my eyes, then I was mad at myself for being sick, now I realize that sometimes playing dead is all you can do to get out alive. Sometimes there is no choice and it's not okay but just how things are.
I am learning to forgive myself for turning myself to stone, I forgive myself for thinking of myself as pathetic whenever I cried, I forgive myself for having many personalities at once that are somewhat disconnected. I forgive myself for seeing me not as a human but like a car, running a race, the only thought being "faster faster"and at the back of my head, "I'd like to crash myself into a wall to make this stop."
I forgive myself for being cruel to myself when I had no one else. And I'm glad I wrote this much too honest text, because one I've been trying to cry for 3 days to get the messy feelings out, but I buried it all away so much I couldn't. And two, I know it's those texts that always helped me too, saying yes it's fucked up, but just try it, not the ones about drinking tea and doing a work out.
I'm not pretty when I cry
Is a lie, by the way.
I am pretty whether I cry or laugh, scream or dream
I am always pretty.
Ugly feelings don't make us ugly.

Description
I listened to Bon Iver again. The last time I listened to Bon Iver I was 16 then I put it in that box of "things to forget, too painful to remember". Each phase in my life feels like a seperate time, as if I lived too many lives and at the same time not enough. Just recently I felt alive for the first time in 21 years, before I had practiced dying in different ways. Because trying to survive to me meant, folding up and being someone else, burying the true self away, hoping it won't be destroyed if not even I know where I am hiding it away. I was proud of the emptiness in my eyes, then I was mad at myself for being sick, now I realize that sometimes playing dead is all you can do to get out alive. Sometimes there is no choice and it's not okay but just how things are.
I am learning to forgive myself for turning myself to stone, I forgive myself for thinking of myself as pathetic whenever I cried, I forgive myself for having many personalities at once that are somewhat disconnected. I forgive myself for seeing me not as a human but like a car, running a race, the only thought being "faster faster"and at the back of my head, "I'd like to crash myself into a wall to make this stop."
I forgive myself for being cruel to myself when I had no one else. And I'm glad I wrote this much too honest text, because one I've been trying to cry for 3 days to get the messy feelings out, but I buried it all away so much I couldn't. And two, I know it's those texts that always helped me too, saying yes it's fucked up, but just try it, not the ones about drinking tea and doing a work out.
I'm not pretty when I cry
Is a lie, by the way.
I am pretty whether I cry or laugh, scream or dream
I am always pretty.
Ugly feelings don't make us ugly.