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Jade-Pandora —
craneo de un caballo
Published: 2010-04-04 05:19:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 6494; Favourites: 150; Downloads: 218
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Description
Soon it was clear that the moonwas a horse's skull,
and the air, a dark apple.
The gearshift shudder of
a heavy-laden truck fades,
all the while, the
sustained drone of bees;
past their prime and sluggish,
their wings cannot be stilled.
A dull glint behind the eyes
of a yoked pair of oxen,
standing at a crossroad
between myself and the fields
that bake in the August
of a Spanish sun,
waiting for the
hammer and anvil to sing,
for the echoing refrain
of rifle shots beyond
a stand of distant trees
shimmering from spent cartridges
in the waning afternoon
of your exquisitely curved spine.
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Comments: 117
Thank you so very much, Michael, for sharing your own unique thoughts to a piece that has always meant a great deal to me - the subject of it, that is. Any tension or impact is felt through how I've always felt about what happened to a wonderful poet while still so young. Who knows what else the world would have seen and read by him had he not been torn from us, and his own life force.
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Welcome forever. Keep your ink flowing.
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Jade,
I’m so honored and flattered that you asked me to turn my comment into a full fledged critique. I’ve decided to use that comment as a launching point for this critique without copying it directly. This will let me be more organized than my initial free association ramble, and hopefully you will find it more detailed and useful in the end. One reason that I didn’t offer it up as a critique to begin with is that there is very little I could see to suggest to improve the technique or delivery of the poem which is what I tend to do when I offer critique. In this case my critique will be to highlight the things that you’ve done effectively, and a few of the things you’ve done that might be more subtle than the casual reader would pick up. For me this is an atypical critique because it will not include a set of revision suggestions at all. Instead I hope to demonstrate why the poem is effective in various ways in an effort to help you and others who might be interested to read this to emulate the effective techniques to duplicate its success. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="17" height="16" alt="
The launching point of this piece is a common prompt I’ve seen for poetry: choose a line or stanza from a poem you love and write a poem based on, or including that stanza. I have no idea if such a prompt was used for this poem, but the feedback is the same regardless. It is a tricky prompt for a variety of reasons. The average poet is no match for the stanza or line that they choose. In many cases the line or stanza chosen for the prompt is remarkably stronger than the poem built around it. The end result is like having a gorgeous pendant dangling on a cheap gold plated chain.
Another pitfall is that the average poet who responds to these prompts either won’t be as well read as you are, or won’t have as many poems that have stayed in their memory. So the second risk with this prompt is that the line or stanza will be so well known in its original context that seeing it in any other way is distracting. Imagine seeing “Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore’” in any other poem. It just doesn’t work.
The third and final potential stumbling block for doing what you’ve done is that often the lines or stanza chosen simply don’t mesh well with the author’s voice or style. If you choose a stanza rich with imagery, but your poem is riddled with metaphors or similes for instance. Or if you choose a rhyming quatrain, but then don’t use the same form throughout.
I don’t feel that any of these apply to your poem. I’m not familiar enough with Lorca’s work to make an assessment of it in its entirety. I know you well, so I know that it will be as good as you say when I get the chance to read it more closely. I’m basing this portion on that assumption: I know that I can rely on your assessment. With that said, your poem is not noticeably weaker than the stanza you used as a basis. The poem and stanza you’ve chosen to use as your base aren’t so well known that their inclusion is distracting, but it is a wonderful poem (and especially that stanza) regardless. Finally, the stanza matches the poem well in virtually all ways. The language in both is smooth and understated. The imagery is profound.
In conclusion, you’ve done gracefully (and I would say effortlessly if I didn’t know how hard you work) what many poets attempt but rarely accomplish. This poem can stand as an example on how to use another poet’s lines or stanzas as a launching point without falling into the common traps. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="17" height="16" alt="
My favorite part of the poem is how understated the language is. Each image that follows is as gently rolling and ponderous as Lorca’s original. The images follow at the pace of about one per stanza, with nothing rushed nor overplayed. When the stanza fades, so too does the image. I imagined a series of photographs being set down on the table while you tell the story behind each. When it is time for the next, it simply gets laid on top of the previous one. The previous one is still there, in my mind, but each stands on its own completely.
My favorite image is the one presented in the third stanza. The bees to me stand out particularly clearly because the image goes contrary to the way most of us have encountered bees – energetic and ambitious insects.
To me the two pivotal points are the two couplets. They both contain strong mechanical images and bracket the more organic imagery in between them. The final stanza does an excellent job of pulling everything together by including both the mechanical, and organic. Not to mention bringing the poem full circle – skull to spine. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="17" height="16" alt="
I would urge anyone attempting to write using another poet’s lines to read this piece before writing their own – not so that they do it in the same way you have, but so that they can see how to use this technique in a way that detracts neither from the source nor the created poem. I stand by my original assertation that this is a lovely piece. I hope that I’ve managed to give you some insight as to why I feel it is so well executed. Thank you for introducing me in such a lovely way to Lorca. I hope to have a chance to discover his works, as you have, in time.
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for the echoing refrain
of rifle shots beyond
a stand of distant trees
shimmering from spent cartridges
in the waning afternoon
of your exquisitely curved spine.
What a picture you've painted. Flowing and lyrical and intense.
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Your reading and support of my poem is all I could wish for when a reader so willingly embraces the world (in this case, the real world of how the poet Lorca was executed) that my craft has helped to lift up from forgotten ashes.
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Amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. Its that good. And the imagery, 'the moon was a horse's skull and the air, a dark apple'... Simply divine.
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You have made my day, Leopold. This was and still is and always will be a very special poem to me, so your appreciation of my effort here has me thrilled -- thank you so much.
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Thank you so much Rachel for your appreciation and faving of a poem that has always meant many things that go far beyond the reach of the words I used.
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Always a pleasure, love. (:
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I know this has received a DD, the ultimate feature, but I had to share this again. I have featured it in my Fantastic Favorites Feature .
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Thank you, Shara - for this piece to me cannot be featured too many times because of what it's always meant for and to me.
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How you honor me, Shara. :iconbowplz
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I still can't think of anything to say worth the time of this piece. It just weaves in and out like a delicate kiss across history.
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*serene sigh* What a wonderful way to explain how this dear little piece of mine impacts you -- thank you so much.
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More than welcome, Jade. 
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Gosh thank you - you're very kind
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I'm not qualified to give an actual critique but I truly enjoyed this.
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No need, dear Karyn; your simple one line of appreciation is just as good.
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A truly original expression. Congradulations with daily deviation.
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Thank you, Michael - and for the critique, and the fave - how you honor me!
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Lorca is amazing! I have to go back and re-discover all of the gems that have had an effect on me throughout the years. It's funny, because I'm reading Clarice Lispector (a Brazilian writer) and she's quite different from Lorca, and yet...
...and yet...
Anway: enough rambling. This entire poem kept me riveted and actually made me think of some of the best stuff by other poets I enjoy as well: namely Michael Ondaatje (known for "the English Patient". He's a novelist and poet.) This has nothing to do with him, or with any other poet. It's distinctly your own. What strikes me the most is the intense, emotional imagery. Every physical image you convey seems more like an emotional state, and I love the balance that maintains...I guess you'd call it "poetic tension." What really gets me is the final stanza. The whole poem comes straight to that point in a way that makes me think I just read a haiku, in that *BAM* it's all related to a single person, quite possibly a lover. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but that really had a pronounced effect on me. I do this little squealy giggle whenever I read something I liked, but I will refrain from subjecting anyone to that squealy giggle by reproducing it here. This was really fantastic!
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Chip, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply -- your wonderful comment is kind of all over the place so other than 
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You are very welcome! It's funny because when I made that comment, I was reeling through the effect of your poem that actually came in between reading chapters of Clarise Lispector's novel: The Passion According to G.H.. That is not what I'd consider to be light reading...and well...somewhere between you and the intense Brazilian lady (actually a Urkrainian transplant) started getting my juices flowing, which invariably led to Jorge-LuisBorges, and when my brain went off in that direction: all bets were off. And now, I think I'm off to go find something by Lorca to read before going to bed.
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Beautiful! Congratulations on the well-deserved DD!
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Why thank you so much - and for enjoying my work, dear! *hug*
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You're quite welcome!
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This is beautiful. I adore the imagery - how you paint such a vivid picture with such wonderfully simple language is amazing.
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Thank you so very much, dear heart.
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wow Jade!
Tell me how I didn't come across this piece until you guided me to it? I deserve to be pinched. I did it for you so that it'll hold me over til you can do it proper.
The first thing that strikes me as so incredible for this piece is how mercurial your poetic voice truly is. I love what I would term your "standard" voice, the voice you are most comfortable writing long form poems in. The one I feel I know so well that I could pick your poem from out of a thousand based on your voice alone. This isn't a bad thing - think of it like being able to pick out your mother's pot roast out of nine-hundred and ninety-nine imposters with just one savory bite. I've come to know your writing style so very well that to see you write something so unlike anything else is always truly a treat. It turns me topsy turvy.
The first thing you've done that I find remarkable is to use such a powerful stanza from such a powerful poet as your launching point without it feeling at all like the poem is being carried by those lines. Often poets who do that as part of a prompt or to pay homage end up having an amazing stanza with a bad poem glued to the end of it. Or worse. That is not the case here at all. Each image is precise and delicately wrought. The language is simple but evocative. You've even stayed true to the source and context. 
The genius of the piece for me though, really lies in the line breaks - or should I say stanza breaks. The two stanzas of two lines are utterly beautiful. The way they are poised changes the entire piece for me. They are almost strong enough to be pulled out of the poem and stand alone, or even *perhaps* be pulled out and put together. That isn't a suggestion - just an observation of how wonderfully symmetric those lines are, and what wonderful consequences that has for the poem as a whole.
This is easily one of your best poems. I can't tell you how long that list is, because I've lost count. If I were the poet who had written this, and knew a poet, whom I respected and admired and hoped to earn the respect and approval of, this might be something I would consider sending to him. If there were such a person.
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I see you've started to do critiques - I wish I had known, I would've set this poem up for you to put what you wrote here as a critique (but without the pinch please, cause this piece holds a lot of meaning & emotion for me). I'm going to set it up now, and if you wouldn't mind, you could c/p it there, and maybe polish it so that it could also be considered for the great critique feature that =angelStained has in mind. A double honor for me if she would. Otherwise, I would just be happy with an official critique of this poem by you. Either way, thank you so much, MF, for your thoughts, and the fave as well.
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I would be happy to brush it up. I just honestly never thought of it as a critique. Just a "tell-it-like-it-is". I'm going to polish this up and expand it into something more. When I'm done, I'll post it here as a critique for you.
The only reason I didn't offer to post this as a critique for you is that I didn't know that's how you'd prefer it. Give me some time and I'll make it something special for you.
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Once again you managed to use wonderful imagery. It is just amazing, the clear image that one can get from your wonderful description.
Congratulations on the DD, you surely deserved it
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I appreciate that, and thank you so much. ^.^
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Again, a fantastic poem and well done on both the feature and the DD you recieved for it.
My only suggestion would be perhalps translate the title in your comments for those of us who are unable to understand.
Your way with imagery amazes me.
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