Comments: 93
jade-whisper In reply to ??? [2013-03-15 08:34:53 +0000 UTC]
Don't you think it would be more rewarding to make up something entirely of your own? I understand that my story isn't completely unique, but wouldn't it feel more fulfilling to create something of your own, instead of building off of someone else's ideas?
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Zqklink In reply to jade-whisper [2013-03-15 22:28:56 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I guess that's true.
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jade-whisper In reply to Zqklink [2013-03-15 23:34:54 +0000 UTC]
I'm sure you can come up with something amazing all on your own. Who knows? Maybe yours could become super popular, and you can have the satisfaction that it's all because of your own clever ideas. ^^
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Zqklink [2012-08-01 03:30:24 +0000 UTC]
I love these kind of stories.
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ElectricalFlames [2011-11-10 09:17:37 +0000 UTC]
Ah ha, finally another great Super and Sonic story :'D This is really awesome, and you've kept all the characters in complete character. Especially Shadow <33
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Starprincess13 [2011-06-29 01:23:32 +0000 UTC]
"You!" Sonic glared at the gold demon in front of him. "What did you do?" he shouted. A thought occurred to him. "What did you do to Tails?!"
This sounds kinda awkward. It would read better as: "You!" Sonic glared at the gold demon in front of him. "What did you do? What did you do to Tails?!"
"I did nothing to the fox," he assured Sonic. "Now, you- however…"
A comma after “you” would be better than the hyphen, since Super wasn’t interrupted.
"I'm controlling what your dreaming."
“Your” should be “you’re.”
What I don’t get is why Sonic didn’t put up more of a tough guy front in the beginning. Sonic is every bit as hardcore as Shadow; he just presents it in a different way. Rather than be the gruff, grumpy, usually silent guy with a soft spot for only a few people, Sonic is a thrill seeker. He loves adventure, danger, the whole shebang. He loves to help people, and unlike Shadow, doesn’t mind showing people that he’s willing to help them. But they both have some things in common: they won’t let people tell them what to do. They hate to be made afraid, and so when they get scared, they get hostile. Maybe to explain why Sonic allowed himself to show how afraid he was so soon into the story, you can have someone mention sometime later what Super did to Sonic himself in their only other encounter so far. I mean, if someone does horrible enough things to you the only other period of time you spent with them, you’re gonna be scared as hell the next time you meet them, no matter how tough you are. So did Super ever torture Sonic like this sometime before? Maybe try to literally drive him insane? Because if all he did was have Sonic kill people, I’m thinking Sonic would be more angry than scared, since that would be bringing innocent people and his friends into the picture. And we all know how defensive Sonic gets when it comes to other people, particularly his friends.
He landed on his back, breaking a table in half. Sonic gasped with pain. Super was right about that at least.
You do this a lot, actually. You take what could have been two sentences and make them three. It would sound better as: He landed on his back, breaking a table in half. Sonic gasped with pain; Super was right about that at least. The semicolon connects “pain” with “Super” so it remains one sentence, and at the same time shows everyone that the two thoughts are similar but separate. I suggest that if you have a sentence that’s three to five words, and the next sentence is somewhat similar in thought, find some way to connect it with the next sentence unless you’re making an important sentence that would better impact us if it remained as it was. Like the kind of sentence that has its own paragraph, for example.
"I suppose I should be letting you wake up soon, but not before giving you a quick 'parting gift'."
The end should read: ‘parting gift.’” I know it looks funny with the apostrophe and the end quotes smashed together like that, but that’s how it’s supposed to look.
through pain-caused tears
Another thing you do a lot. Try “tears of pain.” And also, try not to use the word “pain” too much. Use similar words sometimes, and other times, just don’t say it. I mean, if he’s getting the crab meat beat out of him, we know why he’s crying, right? You do a really good job of not using “pain” too much in this chapter, but in the later ones, you do this a LOT, so I thought I’d address that now before you wrote the next chapter.
He could tell the difference this time. Sunlight filtered through the curtains at his window and he could smell breakfast cooking.
Again, a semicolon instead of a period after “time” and before “sunlight” would make it appear more professional. Think of it like driving a car, and every time you hit a period, you have to slam the brakes. A semicolon in the right places makes for a smoother ride.
He stood up and stretched, then yelped with pain as his muscles screamed in protest. He was aching horribly and felt exhausted. He groaned. He decided to check the arm that Super broke and gasped at what he saw.
Okay, I LOVE how you phrased that first sentence. Absolutely love it. And the last two sentences would read better as: “He groaned and decided to check the arm that Super broke, only to gasp at what he saw.”
Short, peach fur couldn't hide the horrible purple and black discoloration that covered his right forearm.
Again, very well phrased~ I love this sentence~
He had to think up an excuse. And after a moment, he had one.
I loved this one, too. This is an example of two sentences that could have become one, but ended up impacting the reader better when left as two.
Sonic’s exchange of words with the demon before the change of scene was also great; you kept Sonic very well in character. You can tell he’s nervous, but at the same time, he lets fly his attitude he’s known to show towards the people he hates.
"You can't do that, you'd die too if you killed me!" Sonic argued.
The comma should be a semicolon.
Sonic growled and wished he could get rid of Super already.
This one needs total revamping. Not to be mean, but it sounds juvenile. I pondered on this one and came up with: “Sonic growled, wishing he could be rid of Super now before this got much worse.
"Shut up already!!" he cried out at the demon, who's creepy laughter echoed in his mind.
Should be only one exclamation mark, and the “who’s” should be “whose.”
Why should I? It was hilarious.
You forgot to bold “It was hilarious.”
Sonic’s exchange with Super on the rooftop kept Sonic very well in character. I commend you on that.
And... you also kept Shadow 100% in character. Congrats, because that’s flipping hard to do.
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Starprincess13 In reply to jade-whisper [2011-06-29 02:48:50 +0000 UTC]
My mom has no beef with the explosions... just the cussing and the guns. It's been a few years, so I might be able to try my luck again... but I paid for that game with my own money, so I'll be pissed if she does in fact take the game away.
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jade-whisper In reply to Starprincess13 [2011-06-29 02:54:46 +0000 UTC]
It's pretty epic. My mom found out after we got it about the cussing. Luckily she isn't too strict on video games. Just on blood and gore. So we were safe.
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jade-whisper In reply to Starprincess13 [2011-06-29 03:16:07 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I think that's the biggest problem with the parents.
I know right?! XD And he fails around too.
Really? Jeez. I wish I knew what's wrong with DA lately...
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jade-whisper In reply to Starprincess13 [2011-06-29 03:23:31 +0000 UTC]
That always works. ^^
It's so funny! XD
Jeez, I wonder why...
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Starprincess13 In reply to jade-whisper [2011-06-29 03:34:14 +0000 UTC]
All we can do is wait and see if it'll fix itself on its own...
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Luna-The-Hedgehog1 [2010-07-01 13:15:31 +0000 UTC]
omg do you know about warriors(of course ou do) STAR CLAN RULES!!!!! AMAZING STORY!!!!!!!!! WRITE ANOTHER CHAPPIE!!!!!!!!!
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Luna-The-Hedgehog1 In reply to jade-whisper [2010-07-02 21:17:38 +0000 UTC]
i just figured that after i went to your profile yesteday after that comment........i was kind-of stupid at the moment......i love warriors, i love the book called starfires quest. have you ever heard of it or read it?????
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jade-whisper In reply to Luna-The-Hedgehog1 [2010-07-02 21:22:42 +0000 UTC]
Lol, that's alright. I've done that. ^^
Um... I don't know.... I stopped at the third series.
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Luna-The-Hedgehog1 In reply to jade-whisper [2010-07-03 00:18:32 +0000 UTC]
MADLY AUGHNG IS AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! may i ask when you will get the next chappie in thedemon in me????????
Mwahahaahahahaha!
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Luna-The-Hedgehog1 In reply to jade-whisper [2010-07-03 00:29:42 +0000 UTC]
ok can you tell me when you finish it!!!!!!!! i want to be the first person to read it!!!!!!! oh do you know of fanfiction.net????? i have a story on there and i would like you to read it. i sadly doesn't have fleetway super sonic in it tho.........
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