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"Sehnsucht"
Starring Paul and Richard

Pt. 1

Paul's POV

Why couldn't I have something like that? I wondered almost bitterly as I watched Flake playfully feeding Till across the table from me. And where was everyone else, by the way? I asked myself, annoyed that none of the others had come down for the continental breakfast. I wasn't technically eating alone, but with those two in their own little world fawning over each other, I may as well have been. I sighed loudly, pushing away the Danish pastry I didn't even touch. I took one last gulp of my coffee and jumped up from my chair. Sweetie-Pie and Lovebird didn't even notice as I left hurriedly, not even sure where I was headed. I couldn't stand to be anywhere near those two any longer. They were like a constant reminder of how I had no one. I was so sick and tired of this being alone bullshit. I'd decided on going to my own room for the time being. It was way too early to go out anywhere. Just as I was sliding my keycard into the slot, Richard emerged from the room across the hall from mine, looking perfect as always. And as usual, his hair was severely plastered to his head leaving me with an urge to shove him into the shower just to wash all that shit out. I didn't mind the spikes he used to have; at least they were touchable.

"What's up?" he asked me just as I was opening the door.

"Uh, I was just going to my room for awhile," I responded, more quietly than I'd intended. "Alleine." I heavily emphasized.

"Are you sure you want to be alone?" he asked, seeming genuinely concerned. "You look like you could use a friend."

I shrugged. "Well, I kinda need more than a friend right now," I admitted.

"Ah," he said knowingly, following me into my room. "There's groupies for that, you know."

I smiled wryly. "I know, but..." I flung myself backwards onto my bed and sighed. "At the end of the day, I'm still alone."

Richard sat down next to me on the bed. "Believe me, I know how you feel," he admitted softly, looking down at the floor.

I turned onto my side and faced him. "Till and Flake totally ruined my breakfast," I said, smirking.

Richard turned to look at me, a look of disgust washing over his face as he realized what I meant. "Oh, God! Don't tell me Flake was feeding him again."

I nodded. "I actually think it's kinda cute," I said, causing Richard to roll his eyes and pretend to gag himself. "No really!" I insisted. "But it does make me a bit jealous. I mean, I wish I could have that sort of thing with somebody, you know?"

Richard lit up a smoke, looking thoughtful for a few moments. "Whatever happened to us?" he asked, glancing back at me. A forgotten longing for the man seated in front of me suddenly took the form of a dull ache in my heart.

"Caron," came my near-whispered reply.

Richard took a deep drag of his smoke and exhaled loudly. "Ain't that some shit?" Richard stood up and walked over to the table. He flicked his ashes into the little glass ash tray before picking it up and returning to the bed with it.

Neither of us said anything for a few good moments. "You know," I finally said. "The day you told me you'd found someone -- a woman -- I nearly drank myself to death. Ollie finally came by to check on me when I wasn't answering my cell phone or my house phone. He said he freaked out when he found me unresponsive next to three empty bottles of Stoli and immediately called an ambulance. I think he saved my life."

"Fuck," Richard breathed. "I never knew that! How come you never told me?"

"I didn't realize no one had told you," I said with a dismissive shrug. "I just always assumed Ollie or someone else had told you."

"For fuck's sake, Paul!" Richard hissed. "Do you honestly think I would have gone this long, all these fucking years, without acknowledging something as fucked-up as a friend -- no, wait -- ex-lover nearly dying of alcohol poisoning?!?"

"You mean I was wrong to assume you were just being a self-absorbed, cold-hearted bastard about it all these years?"

"Fuck you!" Richard shrieked, stubbing out his cigarette angrily. Then he looked at me. "Is that really how you see me?" he asked quietly.

"One," I began, holding up one finger. "You left me for a woman. Two," I continued, holding up another finger. "I nearly killed myself over it, and three," I said, holding up a third. "You never even said, 'I'm sorry.' Talk about selfish and low."

"Fine!" Richard cried, standing up to face me. "I'm fucking sorry!"

"Fuck off," I growled, turning the other way.

"You invited me in," Richard said, crossing his arms and sitting back down on the bed.

"You invited yourself in," I corrected him.

Richard sighed loudly. "Can we just start over?"

"Start over?" I screeched. "From what point? 'Hi, I'm Richard, can I be your fuck buddy until some gold-digging, conniving, frigid bitch comes along and steals me away?' Fuck you."

"Whoa," Richard said, taken aback. "That was harsh."

"Well, you can fuck off, because leaving me for that fake, ugly, wannabe model was way beyond harsh." I snatched Richard's pack of cigarettes from the nightstand, whipped one out and angrily threw the whole pack against the opposite wall. "And don't even get me started on Marina. Fucking Till's sloppy seconds is all she is."

"We broke up," Richard stated softly.

I slowly sat up. "Wh-What?"

Richard held up two of his fingers to his lips, indicating he wanted a drag of my cigarette. I gave it to him and moved to sit on the edge of the bed next to him. "We broke up," he stated again, taking two quick drags and handing the cigarette back to me. "Two weeks ago."

I dramatically threw my hands up in the air. "Why am I not surprised?"