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Description
Work in progress, I'll finish and reupload at some point.

There's a lot of personal meaning in this picture. For one, it's a remake of a picture I titled "The Dreamer" from early 2011, maybe late 2010. The original picture was just the part of my character sitting at a school desk and looking out the window at a sunset/sunrise sky to symbolize my (then present) self removing herself from the shit reality by imagining a better future that is worth fighting for. This new version includes my current self, sort of just quietly revisitng that past and my own past hopes for who I would become and the life I could create for myself.
Those 11-12 years ago was one of my lowest points. I was still a few years away from being legally free of my shit family, having to hide a large part of my life from most everybody, had a decade of depression already behind me, no safe space, no legal adults on my side. All I had was rage and anger fueling me to keep going and the approach that I'll either break free of my past (then present) or I die trying. I'm sad for her, but at the same time I'm inspired by her relentlessness, and sometimes I forget it's me, and I still have it in me.
Now, at 26 years old, the song I used makes me think of that exactly. How I try to learn to combine my current freedom and room I made for myself to heal, with the ridiculous drive and survival instinct of my past self that can and - I believe - will allow me to become everything my 13 year old self knew she can be. But that requires healing, and healing includes reaching back to the you that was broken and examining it one crack at a time.
I want to heal, but never erase the memory what hurt me in the first place. That's when you fool yourself into forgiving and forgeting, and that's the last thing I need.

"There must be something in the water
'Cause everyday it's getting colder
And if only I could hold you
You'd keep my head from going under
But I'm tired of being so exhausted
Counting days, counting days
I've been holding on to hope
That you'll come back when you can find some peace
Maybe I'm just being blinded by the brighter side
Of what we can have because it's not over
There must be something in the tide
I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind"
- "Bruises" by Lewis Capaldi (rearanged, slightly edited)

Description
Work in progress, I'll finish and reupload at some point.

There's a lot of personal meaning in this picture. For one, it's a remake of a picture I titled "The Dreamer" from early 2011, maybe late 2010. The original picture was just the part of my character sitting at a school desk and looking out the window at a sunset/sunrise sky to symbolize my (then present) self removing herself from the shit reality by imagining a better future that is worth fighting for. This new version includes my current self, sort of just quietly revisitng that past and my own past hopes for who I would become and the life I could create for myself.
Those 11-12 years ago was one of my lowest points. I was still a few years away from being legally free of my shit family, having to hide a large part of my life from most everybody, had a decade of depression already behind me, no safe space, no legal adults on my side. All I had was rage and anger fueling me to keep going and the approach that I'll either break free of my past (then present) or I die trying. I'm sad for her, but at the same time I'm inspired by her relentlessness, and sometimes I forget it's me, and I still have it in me.
Now, at 26 years old, the song I used makes me think of that exactly. How I try to learn to combine my current freedom and room I made for myself to heal, with the ridiculous drive and survival instinct of my past self that can and - I believe - will allow me to become everything my 13 year old self knew she can be. But that requires healing, and healing includes reaching back to the you that was broken and examining it one crack at a time.
I want to heal, but never erase the memory what hurt me in the first place. That's when you fool yourself into forgiving and forgeting, and that's the last thing I need.

"There must be something in the water
'Cause everyday it's getting colder
And if only I could hold you
You'd keep my head from going under
But I'm tired of being so exhausted
Counting days, counting days
I've been holding on to hope
That you'll come back when you can find some peace
Maybe I'm just being blinded by the brighter side
Of what we can have because it's not over
There must be something in the tide
I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind"
- "Bruises" by Lewis Capaldi (rearanged, slightly edited)