Comments: 22
Jewel-Cat In reply to SabretoothedWolf [2020-05-02 19:56:04 +0000 UTC]
lol My stories are kind of all over the place.
This is my mom's story, written entirely by her.
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Jewel-Cat In reply to SabretoothedWolf [2020-05-02 20:13:03 +0000 UTC]
lol Yeah, well I've learned not to be so shocked anymore XD
She never really had the time, but my mom's always been told her story was something of epicness that deserved to be in a book.
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CBlovesCN [2011-03-10 07:51:32 +0000 UTC]
Well, the grammar could need a touch up. Apart from that, this is adorable. It's a confused child meeting her brother for the first time
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Jewel-Cat In reply to CBlovesCN [2011-03-10 22:14:30 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the feedback I hope you the future stories.
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Izzyhime [2011-03-03 01:07:13 +0000 UTC]
It's simplistic, and a nice look from a confused child's point of view, but maybe there should have a bit more description. Make the wait more suspenseful. Some suggestions might be as to how she was feeling as she waited in the truck. Was she impatiently asking if she could go see her mother yet? How did it feel, listening to the nurses give instructions as she was antsy to see her new brother and her mom?
What did the hospital look like? Were the nurses nice looking, did the speaker deem them worthy of helping her and her dad find her brother?
There are a few errors, such as not having quotation marks when her mother is speaking. The fresh new baby smell seems vague. What exactly did it smell like, what did it remind her of? Was it a good scent that lingered with her forever?
I think it would be intresting to explore that sense of protectiveness she had, when she was thinking her brother was her baby, a stronger bond. What thoughts and emotions were going through her when she realized she knew that her brother was "her baby" and not her mom's?
Perhaps create a more sense of panic at the end, leading up to having to go with her grandparents. Surely they spoke to her before taking her away from her beloved brother. It's touching, and the story is a good concept.
Also, there seems to be way too many ellipses for just a jumbled memory. Yes, children have a hard time remembering, but they become a distraction after it's been placed after every few sentences. It just ends up becoming a run on sentence.
I hope that helps
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knukels-fanboy [2011-03-02 00:32:16 +0000 UTC]
its good so far ^^
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Jewel-Cat In reply to MiracleMili [2011-03-01 23:40:48 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for that I knew there were typos I was just trying to get it out. Rushed with thoughts
would you be willing to read more? or is this a book you would find boring?
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Jewel-Cat In reply to FayeleneFyre [2011-03-01 04:22:53 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much..I would like to write a book.Could I write more and you read it and give me honest feedback..thanks again
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FayeleneFyre In reply to Jewel-Cat [2011-03-01 04:34:51 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome, and of course I will.
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