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Jewel-Cat — My mom's story
Published: 2011-02-28 06:57:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 601; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 3
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Description         Its dark and looks like it is going to rain today.I loved sitting by our big glass door to watch the rain.I was told that we are picking up Mom and my baby.I can hardly wait.Dad dress me in my yellow dress that I always wear for church.I keep playing with the ruffles of my white socks and sometimes I take my finger and rub my very nice shiny shoes.My parents always fuss over my shoes.I know not to get any marks on them and I need to pick up my feet.It is starting to rain more and I can see them bounce of the sidewalk we have in our back yard.My Dad pulled back the curtain and I look up at him.He did not say a word and just picked me up.My legs naturally wrapped around his waist and my arms go around his shoulders.We are going to get Mom and the baby.My feet begin to wiggle and my Dad reaches and holds my foot,only one.I knew that meant to stop.My Dad fumbles for the keyes.I am getting wet very wet and starting to feel cold.He did not put on a jacket or cover me with anything.He seatbelts me ,shuts my door.I flinch with the sound of it slamming.The truck moves a little bit.My Dad is walking around to his side.I hear him with the keyes again and he opens his door.He gets in and seatbelts himself.He slams his door and the truck moves again.I close my eyes, I feel uneasy for some reason.MY Dad does not say a word.I hear the turck start,it always had a lound rumble.I feel it comes from underneath me.We are starting down the road now.So far my Dad does not say a word.My legs could barely reach the end of my seat..My eyes are as big as they can be..I lean my head against the back of my seat..I look over at my Dad just in a state of Awe.I wonder about the baby.

             I wonder what this little baby is going to feel like..Will I be able to hold the baby..I put my finger in my mouth as I try to figure out how am I going to make this work..But I will I was determined..I will help with changing diaphers and getting things for the baby..I want my Mom to love me even more for helping..

            We finally parked the truck.MY Dad grumbled with having a hard time parking the truck.I look at everything around.Its huge.I look up as far as I can look.I thought I wonder how many sick people our in there.I see like a van with lights on top of it.I wonder what that is.I see the people in blue coming in and out of it.They look upset and they have there heads down.They also seem to be very nervous.My Dad finally parks the truck.He undos his seatbelt opens his door and I hear the slam again.The truck as usual shakes a little.My Dad is walking around to my side now.He opens my door reaches across from me to unseatbelt me.He always smelled good.I never knew what it was just knew that was my Dad.I am holding my Dad's hand. We are walking up to these big doors.I can't help but to look all the way up the hospital.How many windows does this place have. The big doors open..I can remember feeling the air rush over my Dad and I.I looked up at my Dad but he was just looking forward. There is a big round desk as soon as you come in.There is an old lady sitting there fumbling around with papers.There is some big sign up above her. We begin to approach her,she seems very friendly.We got instructions as to where we needed to go from her.Oh boy oh boy I can hardly wait..

         We had to walk down this long hall.I am looking all over.The floors are so shiny.I think I could slip on the floor if I ran somewhat fast.I see a lot of people coming and going to where I don't know.You never seen them smile.I felt sad for them.We had to pass some peoples rooms.I seen some old man sitting up in his bed.He waved to me.I did a little wave.One person is laying on there side and someone is rubbing them.I think they are very sad.We made some turns and I knew we were getting closer---cause you heard some babies.Excitement grew in me.Where is my baby.A nurse approached us asking what are we doing here.She seemed very tall to me.She had black hair pulled.It was under her nurses cap.She was wearing a pink sweater with a name tag. She had on white shoes with a white dress.The nurse picked up the phone and then talked to my Father.She said "Stay here she should be coming down the hall". I began to jump up and down..My Dad pointed down the hall and I turned around.I seen my Mother and she is holding something..She looks very tired,but I got to run..I took off down the hall to run to her and my new baby..I was so proud of this baby and I haven't seen it yet..I heard my Dad yell my name and told me to get back there next to him..I did not care... I must see the baby..

           I finally reach them and it seemed like I had to run the marathon..But who cares it is for the baby..I leaned in to give my Mom a hug and gently pulled back the blanket of the baby..My Mom said Tina you have a brother..I thought to myself,"NO I have a baby..His face was so little and he had the cutest nose and so very small.His eyes was closed and his little fingers were wiggling..I just knew it was because he knew I was near him..I kissed him on his forehead and I remembered the smell of the baby.It captured me.Try to describe it I don't think I can. It made me feel happy.I wanted to smell him more.


           We walked slowly out of the hospital..I stared at my Mother..I just kept thinking what is wrong with you..That is not my brother that is my baby..I will love it and protect it..Not you Mother and you need to get it right..

             My grandparents are here and I have to go with them.They are waiting right out of the big opening doors.Nobody is telling me why..I want to go with my Mother and my new baby..Why Why Why. MY Grandfather came over and picked me up very fast.He flug open the back door to there car fast.He sit me down and reached across to seatbelt me.My Grandfather smelled very nice too.I always like the smell of him.He shut the door but its different from the truck.Its more quite.Not so loud as the truck is.I asked my Grandma why do I have to go with you,,I need to be with Mom and my baby..Grandma just said Hold on honey you will..I seen my Dad and my Mom drive away from me..I slammed my arms on the window and cried and cried..I felt as if my heart was getting ripped away from me..I  did not understand we needed two cars to transport everybody and I would be with my baby brother soon..
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Comments: 22

SabretoothedWolf [2020-05-02 19:48:14 +0000 UTC]

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Jewel-Cat In reply to SabretoothedWolf [2020-05-02 19:56:04 +0000 UTC]

lol My stories are kind of all over the place.

This is my mom's story, written entirely by her.

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SabretoothedWolf In reply to Jewel-Cat [2020-05-02 20:06:42 +0000 UTC]

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Jewel-Cat In reply to SabretoothedWolf [2020-05-02 20:13:03 +0000 UTC]

lol Yeah, well I've learned not to be so shocked anymore XD

She never really had the time, but my mom's always been told her story was something of epicness that deserved to be in a book.

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CBlovesCN [2011-03-10 07:51:32 +0000 UTC]

Well, the grammar could need a touch up. Apart from that, this is adorable. It's a confused child meeting her brother for the first time

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Jewel-Cat In reply to CBlovesCN [2011-03-10 22:14:30 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the feedback I hope you the future stories.

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FrEnChY-cHaN4EVER [2011-03-03 02:30:24 +0000 UTC]

aww so sweet! reminds me when my brother was born. so cute! i like it, tell your mom to keep on writing!!!

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Jewel-Cat In reply to FrEnChY-cHaN4EVER [2011-03-03 03:01:30 +0000 UTC]

Ok, but she's kinda at a writers block right now.

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FrEnChY-cHaN4EVER In reply to Jewel-Cat [2011-03-03 04:03:16 +0000 UTC]

ahh, i understand

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Jewel-Cat In reply to FrEnChY-cHaN4EVER [2011-03-03 04:03:43 +0000 UTC]

^^

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Izzyhime [2011-03-03 01:07:13 +0000 UTC]

It's simplistic, and a nice look from a confused child's point of view, but maybe there should have a bit more description. Make the wait more suspenseful. Some suggestions might be as to how she was feeling as she waited in the truck. Was she impatiently asking if she could go see her mother yet? How did it feel, listening to the nurses give instructions as she was antsy to see her new brother and her mom?
What did the hospital look like? Were the nurses nice looking, did the speaker deem them worthy of helping her and her dad find her brother?
There are a few errors, such as not having quotation marks when her mother is speaking. The fresh new baby smell seems vague. What exactly did it smell like, what did it remind her of? Was it a good scent that lingered with her forever?
I think it would be intresting to explore that sense of protectiveness she had, when she was thinking her brother was her baby, a stronger bond. What thoughts and emotions were going through her when she realized she knew that her brother was "her baby" and not her mom's?
Perhaps create a more sense of panic at the end, leading up to having to go with her grandparents. Surely they spoke to her before taking her away from her beloved brother. It's touching, and the story is a good concept.
Also, there seems to be way too many ellipses for just a jumbled memory. Yes, children have a hard time remembering, but they become a distraction after it's been placed after every few sentences. It just ends up becoming a run on sentence.

I hope that helps

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knukels-fanboy [2011-03-02 00:32:16 +0000 UTC]

its good so far ^^

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Jewel-Cat In reply to knukels-fanboy [2011-03-02 00:37:47 +0000 UTC]

Thanks.

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knukels-fanboy In reply to Jewel-Cat [2011-03-02 00:41:26 +0000 UTC]

your welcome O3O

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MiracleMili [2011-03-01 23:34:26 +0000 UTC]

Sounds good. Though there are some typos. These are some I picked out:
" I must the baby.." Do you mean "I must see the baby"?
"But who cares it the baby"
"I seen my Dad and my Mom drive away from me."
Just little things like that.
And are the "..." on purpose? Maybe its better to just leave one "."
I hope I helped

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Jewel-Cat In reply to MiracleMili [2011-03-01 23:40:48 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for that I knew there were typos I was just trying to get it out. Rushed with thoughts

would you be willing to read more? or is this a book you would find boring?

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MiracleMili In reply to Jewel-Cat [2011-03-01 23:53:09 +0000 UTC]

Im reading more now
This is far from boring. But its painful for me. I love kids so much and reading this is hard. But thats not important. Its not the kind of book that is boring or suspenseful. Its a true story, your story.

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Jewel-Cat In reply to MiracleMili [2011-03-01 23:55:19 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. There will be more to come I hope you continue to read and maybe pass it on to your other friends

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FayeleneFyre [2011-03-01 02:01:05 +0000 UTC]

This is absolutely beautiful. So much emotion put into this, your mom did a wonderful job if you ask me. <3

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Jewel-Cat In reply to FayeleneFyre [2011-03-01 04:22:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much..I would like to write a book.Could I write more and you read it and give me honest feedback..thanks again

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FayeleneFyre In reply to Jewel-Cat [2011-03-01 04:34:51 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome, and of course I will.

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Jewel-Cat In reply to FayeleneFyre [2011-03-01 23:34:43 +0000 UTC]

^^

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