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JJ-Lit β Domestic Violence
Published: 2010-03-30 16:39:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 1003; Favourites: 31; Downloads: 7
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Description
I awake to the soundOf broken glass
Angry voices
A woman's laugh
Then a silence
Deafening it seems
Followed by a crash
Then a scream
Shadows dance
Up and down the hall
Cast from a lamp
To illuminate it all
I'm nine years old
I've been here before
I climb from my bed
Down to the floor
Underneath to hide
From the war at home
This is my domestic violence poem
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Comments: 75
Oh I like that, thank you. Sorry this one is fimilar to you, but these things make us who we are and if there's anything we can take away from that its strength
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Well, they're your words...I just moved them around. 
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For some reason, although the last line is, well, it's not really much of anything, it is SO FREAKING PERFECT for this.
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Well thank you 
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I like to think I've improved, too. I think all the feedback on dA helps a lot
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Thatβs the truth. Feedback and constructive criticism go a long way. For me I see no comparison in terms of quality between my old and new work. Thatβs not to say one is better than the other all the time, but dropping the end rhymes and going more spoken/free versus has helped me expand. As for you, I canβt say how you started writing or why, but so far your work old or new really works for me
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Yeah harsh realities but I always did love this piece. I agree no kid should ever have to endure such hardship. But I canβt say itβs gotten any better with the times. I guess we just protect our own and pray for the rest. Maybe try and save a few along the way. Glad you enjoyed this piece Jen and I appreciate the fave as well
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man did you see into my home or what.. well written for what it is...
don't be alarmed by the anger, not at you at the action of parents who do this to their kids
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Yeah itβs a wonderful childhoodβ¦isnβt it
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It's hard to personalize such a thing without making it hard to read.. But ya handled it well. It grabs...but it doesn't rattle the reader too much. Good work, man.
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Hey Rachel, thanks for having a look. I always love your comments
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For sure, Jay. I like your poetry.. It's always nice to read something with a perspective already planted.
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Fuckin' amazing, and an all too familiar scenario.
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Thanks, man. I just read "Overcast" fuckin great, bravo.
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No problem, bro. And thank you as well!
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My gosh, Jay.
This is so sad. What a terrible thing for a child to grow up with. Domestic violence is an awful thing. I'm glad it's over for you. I wish no one else ever had to go through through it, but you tell your story very well, using details to give it clarity and language that makes it almost dreamlike.
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Well thank you, Shanna
Thatβs very kind of you to say
I couldnβt agree with you more on the subject of domestic violence. It brings with it a level of instability and fear through chaos that no child should ever have to endure, not to mention the long term effects.
Anyway thank you again
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You're welcome, Jay.
Hopefully through things such and as more social awareness, better, safer shelters available for abused women and children, and stricter laws against domestic violence, there can be a world that will have less of this kind of pain than the generations before them.
Little steps, small steps... But I do have hope that the world can be better.
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*hugs* We all have a past and let's just say I can relate and leave it at that. But, you made it out. You made it. And that's what counts.
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Yep that's what counts.
Thank you
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Sad story from real life I assume. That kind of thing is too common all around the world.
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Yeah its real life and far too common. Thank you for commenting.
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Written from the one point of view that when you get right down to it..matters the most.
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Its strange the things we remember. When so many things we forget. Wow I hope I just wrote that
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I could picture it all happening, very good imagery. And very true also.
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Thank you I appreciate that
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oh noes i can see the scence in my head D:
brilliant work
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
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I'm glad you appreciated it and thank you for saying so
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I love the way you crated a detailed picture with so little words.I have to disagree with some of the comments you have received. I like the last line, it is set off and different its your style. It changes it just enough to add an interesting aspect to it. You should keep it.
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Thank you so much for the detailed comment. It's really great to hear specifically what works. I appreciate it and will certainly try to keep it up
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That's a very tough roll to play. If I understood you correctly you've been ringside providing a shoulder to many going through this type of hardship. If so my heart goes out to you, in addition to the families living it, especially the children. Anyway I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Thank you.
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I didn't see this one before you changed it. It looks good though. It actually makes me scared... I hope my daughter never has to witness anything like that.
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Thank you and I hope she doesn't either. I wrote this through my own eyes and these things donβt ever really go away. But youβll protect her and keep her safe so no worries
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I agree with the others, I think the last line detracts from a really powerful poem. It's distracting, it breaks the flow, diffuses the intensity.
Maybe it's like, the entire poem is you showing, rather than telling, with lovely, sad words, and painful pictures. And then, the last line is just whomp! Tell. It's just very... blunt.
Just my opinion. But I also feel that it would be incomplete without it. Maybe you could use another line, similar, that has the same impact, but isn't so... bland.
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I think that's the first time someone has suggested I change the last line rather than completely remove it. That is an idea and I appreciate it. Thank you
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You're definitely welcome. :3
Thank you for taking the criticism so well.
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No problem it was helpful.
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No it's not and thank you for your comment.
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My pleasure as always hun
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Because I have actually lived through this exact moment, it's eerie for me. Which makes me love it all the more. Your work just keeps getting better an better.
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