ugiel [2018-03-11 15:02:29 +0000 UTC]
Consider that a review of the whole series.The story is crunchy - so much it can really drain a joy from reading it. The simplicity of your writing style make the entire thing clumsy, for example, I can recall a two-sentence paragraph in which just "Rowan" was written three times. Three times in two sentences! You need more synonyms, more difersity in naming and use of words overall. What also turned out pretty bad were desciption parts. In first chapter, when Rowan views herself in the mirror, You made a mistake that repulse me from any further reading of poor stories - what differs You from writers usually doing this is that You brought that description in the middle of the chapter and not at the very beginning. Nonetheless, trust me - no one likes to read sentences like "This is X and she has Y hair and Z clothes". This is supposed to be a story for an adult reader and paragraphs like that could be written for a child.On plus, You definitely had the idea for the entire plot driven from the beginning till the end. I must admit that will to find out Rowan's reasons to end up in Devil's Gullet kept me attracted until the end. The story definitely had some potential, but I see it as wasted. I think You can write better than it. That wasn't as cringy and bad as many other debuts I've encountered on DA - I wish You improvements
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
jzine In reply to ugiel [2018-03-11 17:45:57 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for the critique. I appreciate you taking the time review my story. I will work on it.
ugiel In reply to jzine [2018-03-11 18:07:18 +0000 UTC]
Good luck
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Skelebomb [2018-01-09 02:31:56 +0000 UTC]
Those pesky thieves A nice little story, thank you very much for the entry
jzine In reply to Skelebomb [2018-01-09 03:34:15 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! It was fun to write