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I keep wondering when I'll come to a point where it'll stop hurting. But maybe it hurts because I don't deal with it...

I have a confession to make and you get to listen to it and then throw rotten tomatoes at me for it if you want.

Most of you know how halcyonschism (Trevor) and I were madly in love once. Over a year ago we decided to vow our undying love and make plans to get married and live together. Things aren't like anymore and I'm wondering if he even loved me at all. Maybe I was just filling a void that his ex wife left when they divorced. Though he hasn't loved her in years and she's used him and abused him even longer.

Anyway, a little over 3 months ago I made a stupid mistake that changed my future. I went out on a date with Jeff, while still being attached to Trevor, and had sex with him... God I know. I promised Trevor that I'd never ever cheat on him. I asked him for space and then screwed someone else... Don't get me wrong. I wanted to break up with Trevor first. He was somewhere where I couldn't contact him to save my life... Bad excuse I know. I honestly thought that maybe I could break up with Trevor, screw around with Jeff, and then get back together with Trevor in the end. I was scared of moving away and getting married. I was mad at Trevor for his constant flirting. I was angry at him being in the army and never being around. We had only been together in person for 3 days, then he was sent overseas... Maybe I was just lonely when I started chasing Jeff...

Either way, a month after that (a month of more sleeping with Jeff) I got a hold of Trevor and pretty much broke it off with him. I'm not even sure why I did that. At first, when I was with Jeff, I was staring at the ceiling, wanting to cry, thinking that I didn't belong there. I felt so guilty. So lame. So dirty. So why did I keep sleeping with him anyway? I dunno. But after awhile, I got really attached to him. And that's when I finally got a hold of Trevor (or more like he got internet access again) and I told him what was up and we seperated. Though Trevor does not know that I was sleeping with Jeff... I wanted to spare him since his ex wife slept around on him all the time... I screwed up and did the one thing that I swore I'd never do - Cheat on the man I loved.

So I'm sitting here now, after reading some recent journal entries of Trevor's, and wondering when it'll stop hurting. I dumped him. I quit. I let go. So why does it hurt so much to hear that he thinks he loves an ex of his who's name I've never even heard before? Why am I so mad at him that I want to scream? Why do I still picture him sometimes and cry? And why god why did I tell him a couple days ago that I never want to hear from him again? I took him off my devwatch because I can't be a part of his life anymore and I don't want to hear about other women taking my place...

And yet, most of the time, I'm so wrapped up in Jeff that I can't even remember Trevor's face...

What's worse is that last night, I was thinking about my first love and crying. Not my first boyfriend, not my first crush, not my first in bed, just the one who I've loved for 7 years now. My Jordan... I knew when he was hurting and he knew when I was hurting, even over far distances. But we don't talk anymore. We haven't for over a year. Last I heard, he was miserable. And I can't fix that. So did I cry because I miss him, or cry because I can't help him, or was I in tears because there's no way for me to be with him and every man after him has just been me settling?

Where's that moment where it all comes together and makes sense?

Sometimes, I think I'm in that moment. Sometimes, when I look at Jeff and see myself reflected in his eyes, I see clarity. I see me for the first time. I finally see a girl who doesn't have to change to be with this man. A girl who can like whatever music she wants, whatever foods she wants, whatever games and movies she wants, and he'll never complain. I see me the way he sees me, happy and free. And then it's all ok. Then it makes sense. It makes the day to day shit worth it. Falling into bed bedside him, makes each and every day worth living. So I guess I should just hold onto that and let all the other stuff go. Just send the past on it's way and embrace what's there in my bed because I want it and need it as badly as it wants and needs me.

Erm, sorry for all the rambling...

Almost the 10th... Don't forget to breathe...

Jeff bought me a corset from Fredrick's of Hollywood that I need to get pictures of. I also have a story about the sales lady joining me in the dressing room

I'm still hard at work on a movie poster project...

Still trying to get Jeff to photograph me but whenever he's free, I'm sick, so we can't seem to find the time.

Read before asking me something
- NONE OF my WORK ON THIS ACCOUNT IS STOCK!!! Do not use them for anything unless we have dicussed it and I gave you permission to do so!
- It's pronounced "kaydra-lynn." The "e" in kedra should have an accent over it...
- I'm 3/8 Japanese. It sounds like a small amount. But my grandpa was full blooded Japanese and my grandma was almost full blooded Japanese. So I grew up with a lot of the culture and I consider myself Japanese no matter how small the fraction. The rest is Irish, Scottish, English, French, and Native American (Cherekowa Indian, the spelling is off).
- My camera is an Argus DC 3810 5.0 mega pixel camera
- I take all my own pictures unless stated otherwise. Yes, I'm usually the model too, unless stated otherwise.
- Ok here's a new questions that has me stumped, I'm stumped because I'd think people would grasp this concecpt pretty easily... I've been asked "How can you be the model and the photographer?" The camera has a 10 second timer. Most cameras now do, even my 30 dollar one has a timer.
- I don't take lots of pictures of scenery or objects because all we have here is brown skies and drug dealers.
-Too much sunlight gives me a severe headache which is why there aren't many pictures of me outside. No, it isn't a pity. I'm not fond of the sun much anyway.
- I have taken pictures of more than just myself. Look before you speak.
- Stop asking to have sex with me…unless you’re Angelina Jolie.
-If you must know why I cut read this journal entry and then don't ask again unless you're a close friend. kedralynn.deviantart.com/journ…

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Giggle — Description
body div#devskin5737198 hr { }

I keep wondering when I'll come to a point where it'll stop hurting. But maybe it hurts because I don't deal with it...

I have a confession to make and you get to listen to it and then throw rotten tomatoes at me for it if you want.

Most of you know how halcyonschism (Trevor) and I were madly in love once. Over a year ago we decided to vow our undying love and make plans to get married and live together. Things aren't like anymore and I'm wondering if he even loved me at all. Maybe I was just filling a void that his ex wife left when they divorced. Though he hasn't loved her in years and she's used him and abused him even longer.

Anyway, a little over 3 months ago I made a stupid mistake that changed my future. I went out on a date with Jeff, while still being attached to Trevor, and had sex with him... God I know. I promised Trevor that I'd never ever cheat on him. I asked him for space and then screwed someone else... Don't get me wrong. I wanted to break up with Trevor first. He was somewhere where I couldn't contact him to save my life... Bad excuse I know. I honestly thought that maybe I could break up with Trevor, screw around with Jeff, and then get back together with Trevor in the end. I was scared of moving away and getting married. I was mad at Trevor for his constant flirting. I was angry at him being in the army and never being around. We had only been together in person for 3 days, then he was sent overseas... Maybe I was just lonely when I started chasing Jeff...

Either way, a month after that (a month of more sleeping with Jeff) I got a hold of Trevor and pretty much broke it off with him. I'm not even sure why I did that. At first, when I was with Jeff, I was staring at the ceiling, wanting to cry, thinking that I didn't belong there. I felt so guilty. So lame. So dirty. So why did I keep sleeping with him anyway? I dunno. But after awhile, I got really attached to him. And that's when I finally got a hold of Trevor (or more like he got internet access again) and I told him what was up and we seperated. Though Trevor does not know that I was sleeping with Jeff... I wanted to spare him since his ex wife slept around on him all the time... I screwed up and did the one thing that I swore I'd never do - Cheat on the man I loved.

So I'm sitting here now, after reading some recent journal entries of Trevor's, and wondering when it'll stop hurting. I dumped him. I quit. I let go. So why does it hurt so much to hear that he thinks he loves an ex of his who's name I've never even heard before? Why am I so mad at him that I want to scream? Why do I still picture him sometimes and cry? And why god why did I tell him a couple days ago that I never want to hear from him again? I took him off my devwatch because I can't be a part of his life anymore and I don't want to hear about other women taking my place...

And yet, most of the time, I'm so wrapped up in Jeff that I can't even remember Trevor's face...

What's worse is that last night, I was thinking about my first love and crying. Not my first boyfriend, not my first crush, not my first in bed, just the one who I've loved for 7 years now. My Jordan... I knew when he was hurting and he knew when I was hurting, even over far distances. But we don't talk anymore. We haven't for over a year. Last I heard, he was miserable. And I can't fix that. So did I cry because I miss him, or cry because I can't help him, or was I in tears because there's no way for me to be with him and every man after him has just been me settling?

Where's that moment where it all comes together and makes sense?

Sometimes, I think I'm in that moment. Sometimes, when I look at Jeff and see myself reflected in his eyes, I see clarity. I see me for the first time. I finally see a girl who doesn't have to change to be with this man. A girl who can like whatever music she wants, whatever foods she wants, whatever games and movies she wants, and he'll never complain. I see me the way he sees me, happy and free. And then it's all ok. Then it makes sense. It makes the day to day shit worth it. Falling into bed bedside him, makes each and every day worth living. So I guess I should just hold onto that and let all the other stuff go. Just send the past on it's way and embrace what's there in my bed because I want it and need it as badly as it wants and needs me.

Erm, sorry for all the rambling...

Almost the 10th... Don't forget to breathe...

Jeff bought me a corset from Fredrick's of Hollywood that I need to get pictures of. I also have a story about the sales lady joining me in the dressing room

I'm still hard at work on a movie poster project...

Still trying to get Jeff to photograph me but whenever he's free, I'm sick, so we can't seem to find the time.

Read before asking me something
- NONE OF my WORK ON THIS ACCOUNT IS STOCK!!! Do not use them for anything unless we have dicussed it and I gave you permission to do so!
- It's pronounced "kaydra-lynn." The "e" in kedra should have an accent over it...
- I'm 3/8 Japanese. It sounds like a small amount. But my grandpa was full blooded Japanese and my grandma was almost full blooded Japanese. So I grew up with a lot of the culture and I consider myself Japanese no matter how small the fraction. The rest is Irish, Scottish, English, French, and Native American (Cherekowa Indian, the spelling is off).
- My camera is an Argus DC 3810 5.0 mega pixel camera
- I take all my own pictures unless stated otherwise. Yes, I'm usually the model too, unless stated otherwise.
- Ok here's a new questions that has me stumped, I'm stumped because I'd think people would grasp this concecpt pretty easily... I've been asked "How can you be the model and the photographer?" The camera has a 10 second timer. Most cameras now do, even my 30 dollar one has a timer.
- I don't take lots of pictures of scenery or objects because all we have here is brown skies and drug dealers.
-Too much sunlight gives me a severe headache which is why there aren't many pictures of me outside. No, it isn't a pity. I'm not fond of the sun much anyway.
- I have taken pictures of more than just myself. Look before you speak.
- Stop asking to have sex with me…unless you’re Angelina Jolie.
-If you must know why I cut read this journal entry and then don't ask again unless you're a close friend. kedralynn.deviantart.com/journ…

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