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Dear Halverson T. Kipperninny, the only person I’ve known who can eat soap while singing any selection from the album “The Best of Men Without Hats”,

I seem to have a zombie problem, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice. Now I know how to kill them, but that doesn’t seem like the Christian way. However, every effort to open their hearts to Jesus through baptizing, foot-washing, or Bible reading have only been met with quite disrespectful groaning, stumbling, and failed biting attempts. Now I know they are not totally cognizant of their actions, but neither are most Christians and they seem to get along just fine! At one point I was thinking about giving each zombie a small kitten or turtle or something to warm their hearts, even though they tend to rend anything in sight, but especially things of amazing cuteness. So, with an All-Star Janitorial Staff, I confronted these undead heathens, and time after time was I glad that I hired an All-Star Janitorial staff. Subsequently, the Unicorn King Hinglar the bow-legged died from such a huge flux occurring in the realm of Kutesy, so I decided to end this retrospectively senseless slaughter of the adorable. Now I found myself in a conundrum: I can’t kill these zombies, heathens though they are, since it wouldn’t be in the light of the Word of God, but if they are left to their own devices, they may end up biting, eating brains, or God forbid, join Satan at Sodomy Fest ’09! Now I cannot allow either of these horrible possibilities to occur. To remedy all of these horrible possibilities, I have decided to expose my zombified potential converts to the joys of Christ through a Youth Summer Camp program. The children will love to get the opportunity to learn the trials and tribulations of their undead compatriots. At this camp for the physically and mentally differently abled, I don’t think the zombies will prove to be that much of a threat with the zombies being afraid of loud noises, boogers, and giant wheels. However, they will bite when cornered, so I would have to kill any of the infected handicapped kid, because c’mon, a zombie in a wheelchair is just a crime against God Himself, never mind one with the visage of a child. So I guess you can see my dilemma, and I hope there is some advice you will be able to give, because I know that anyone who can sing Men Without Hats has to have all of the answers!

Trucking the zombies to Fort Wheelie-Jesus Summer Camp,

Forest Thumpenmeyer