HOME | DD
KessieLou — Bia White n Jeri Red Pt 2
Published: 2010-06-20 21:26:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 2550; Favourites: 18; Downloads: 4
Redirect to original
Description
Meanwhile, in Prince Rev's kingdom, everyone in town was getting ready for the marriage of Prince Rev and Bia White, as well as the marriage of Prince Rip and his fiance, which both were planned on the same day by next week.While everyone in the palace was setting up the decorations, and setting the invetations for the wedding guests, Princess Bia White was just standing in the hall with her fiance, all excitied about the wedding coming soon.
"I just can't believe that it's been a year since I've first met the seven toons," Bia said with in her smile
"It's-also-been-a-year-since-I've-first-met-you-Bia," Prince Rev said to his future bride
"If-it-weren't-for-the-little-guys-we-wouldn't-be-having-this-wedding."
"That's true," Bia White added
"By the way, your brother Rip is getting married on the same day as us, and he never told us who is his bride."
"He-wants-to-keep-it-a-secret-until-the-wedding-when-it's-time-the-brides-to-walk-down-the-aisle," Rev answered
"Well, as long as his fiance's nothing like my stepmother, I'm sure I'll get with her like a sister," Bia said back.
Then the couple was interupted by one of the servants.
"Pardorn me your highnesses," asked the servant
"But which colors do you want for your wedding?"
"Oh! That reminds me!" Bia White said to Prince Rev
"I have to go to the florist's to pick up the bouques!"
"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" she added as she run off to the village
"We'll-just-go-with-red-and-white-pattern," Prince Rev said to the servant after Bia white left
"Wonderful! Thank you, your majasty!" the servant eagerly said with glee as he went down the steps.
As Bia White left to go to town florists, Rev's brother, Prince Rip, arrived to the palace for a visit.
"Hey! Long time no see, Rev" he said to his brother
"Ditto! I-haven't-seen-you-since-I've-moved-out-our-parent's-palace!" Prince Rev replied and gave his brother a quick hug
"What-are-you-doing-here?" Prince Rev then asked
"I thought that I'd stop by to share the last moments of being a bachular with you before the weddings," Prince Rip answered
"Can you believe it, one day we were just a pair of date-less princes, and then the next day, we're engaged to two princesses that were under sleeping spells."
"Yeah-it-is-big-twist-that-we-meeting-our-fiances-the-same-way," Rev nodded
The two brothers continue to talk to each other, until Prince Rev had noticed something that had been kept for so long.
"By-the-way-Rip," he asked his brother
"You-still-have-that-blue-stone-madallion-with-you?"
"Sure," Prince Rip said as he pulls out a round blue stone from his shirt that was tied his neck with a brown thread
"You still have your's?"
Prince Rev revealed that he had a stone-madallion around his neck that looked like his brother's. Only the stone he had was red, instead of blue.
"Why'd you bring up that subject?" Rip asked
"Well-remember-our-folks-told-us-that-an-old-man-gave-us-these-as-birthday-presents-and-said-we-were-suppose-to-wear-these-when-we-grow-up-and-find-our-brides?" Prince Rev tried to remind his brother
"Yeah, but why do we have to wear these to our weddings?" said Prince Rip
"Is it a new tradition our parents made-up?"
"Well-whatever-the-answer-is-to-the purpose-of-these-madallions, we-must-fallow-the-orders-of-our-parents," says Prince Rev
Just then, the loud screech of dragon Lord Sypher began to echo through the air, and Sir Technes, one of Prince Rev's knights, arrived while breathing heavley.
"Your highness!" Sir Technes said to Prince Rev
"There's massive chaos happening in the town! There's a dragon attacking the villagers!"
"Bia!" Rev gasped because Bia White is there in all of the caumotion.
In town, Lord Sypher was terrorising everyone in sight. Burning down most of the buildings and turning the town's people into stone.
Bia White tried to find a spot where the dragon can't see her so she can quickly get back to the castle.
But Lord Sypher quickly spotted Bia White, and began to swoop down to grab her with his sharp talons.
"Let go of me, you brute!" Bia shouted to the dragon as she struggled to free herself
"Or you'll be sorry!"
The dragon didn't answer, and just continue to fly away with Bia White in his feet.
Luckly, Prince Rev arrived before Lord Sypher could disappear, and throws a long spear at the dragon's leg, causing him to drop Bia White with a rough landing on the trees to the ground.
"Bia-are-you-alright?" Prince Rev asked his fiance
"The landing was hard, but I think I'll make it" Bia White said, aching with a little bit of pain on her back
Suddenly, Lord Sypher began to dive down from the sky to attack both Prince Rev and Bia White, but got knocked down to the ground with a big flop because Prince Rip lassoed the beast's legs.
"Hey bro!" Prince Rip called out to Rev
"Come here and help me take down this big guy!" Rip pulls out his sword and stabs Lord Sypher in the thigh, but it didn't seen to hurt him and was still moving around.
Prince Rev pulls out his sword, he said to Bia White, "Bia-you-must-go-to-the-Toons'-condo-and-stay-there-until-it's-safe!"
"But I.." before Bia could answer, Prince Rev rushed quickly to attack the dragon.
Lord Sypher saw Rev quickly coming his way, and began to swat him really hard with is tail.
"REV!" Bia White screamed at seeing that her fiance was getting hurt
"Run-away-now-Bia!" Rev shouted as he got back up and began to fight the dragon again
Bia White ran as far away from here as possible, without even turning around, or looking back.
And just when Prince Rev and Prince Rip were about to finally finish off the dragon, Lord Sypher quickly transformed into his true form, right in front of the princes.
"Who are you?" Prince Rip said to Lord Sypher
"And-why-did-you-attacked-my-kingdom?" Prince Rev added
Lord Sypher introduced himself, "I am Lord Sypher, the brother of Mistina and Weather."
"And you are know my prisoners."
Sypher quickly casted a paralyze spell on the two anthro road-runner princes, and knocked both of them out uncauntious.
"Now that you two left your beloved princesses all 'alone and helpless,' they are now easy targets for my sisters to get their revenge on them," Lord Sypher said to the knocked-out prince brothers
"As for you two, I have something else planned for you."
Then Lord Sypher turned back into a dragon, and carried Prince Rev and Prince Rip away to Castle Thor (Weathervane's palace).
Related content
Comments: 28
Just hope that they'll be alright.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Right. I've always hated Sypher, ever since I first saw him, he's nothing but a bully, a liar, and a monster!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
*snaps fingers* I know where you took the dragon-kidnapping-the-princess thing and the cousins-of-the-former-characters from! The old cartoon movie Happily Ever After, with Lord Malice and the seven dwarves' female cousins!
So that movie takes a big part of this, amirite?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
It's all just inspired from it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I hope Rev and Rip will be allright but atleast Bia got away... but where's Jeri?!?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Jeri will come in later.
And you'll have to wait and see to find out.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Alright...Review Time.
Plot feels straightforward, though there are obvious hints at a subplot with the stones. Speaking of which, I feel there might have been a way to introduce that a bit more subtly.
Characters feel original, well, as original as any OC can really be, but still fine.
In the area of grammar, this piece needs major work, as there are multiple misspellings, punctuational errors, and problems with point of view. Nothing that can't be smoothed out with a second lookover, mind you, but errors nonetheless.
As for the actual writing style, I feel you've missed the point of words. Words are like salt, you can have too much, too little, or you can hit it just right. I find picturing the characters hard, as there is no description of what Lord Sypher looks like as a dragon, any of the weaponry utilized, or many of the characters. When descriptions were there, they seemed cliched and short.
Also in jeopardy is the writing of action. Remember the three D's of Action, Description, Damage, and Dealer. Describe the act being done, show the effects of the assault with how much Damage is done, and finally be sure to show who Deals the blow.
My verdict? Add more descriptions, work out the kinks in grammar, and just flat out amp up the action. After that, you should be fine.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Yes. That'll be the subplot in the story.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh man! I hope Rev and Rip are will right!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Cross your fingers and hope so.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wait until the next chapter to find out.
Just hope that Rev and Rip would be okay.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i hope prince rev and rip will be alright!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Better cross your fingers to hope so.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Didn't you read the whole thing?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I saw the whole thing, Sony. I saw the whole thing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0