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Description
Some of you may recall when I took a self portrait every day for a year. It's okay if you don't. They're here. If that's too overwhelming, here's the tl;dr version.

I never really revealed how gutting and difficult it was for me, but I think if you look between the lines you can see the struggle. It began as a fun project. At the time I'd only had my DSLR for four months and I thought it would be a fun way to get to know it. It was. By the time I finished I was like a walking light meter, unconsciously calculating the ISO of any room I entered, making myself aware of stable surfaces in case I'd have to drop under 1/25. You know. It would have come with time, anyway, but I took a self-reflective (and self-destructive) crash course. It was painful but it was worth it.

At first it was a fun project and learning experience, but it became a huge burden. On the surface level, there were times when I couldn't stand to look at my own face anymore. For all the issues I had in my life, I never had a poor self-image. I've always been comfortable in my own skin. Doing this project made me feel ugly at times and I'd never felt that. Aside from that, any day where I had no time or no ideas or no good lighting, I was still obligated to take a photo and still obligated to post it, and the amount of shitty photos I had to share crushed my confidence as an artist. Looking back I know I shouldn't have been so hard on myself. I was still new to the world of SLRs and I only had my kit lens--no accessories, no other options. I did what I could. I could forgive it and I could still share them, and it really is part of the process. Documenting a year of your life surely shares all the times you couldn't do it--the times you were too busy or too tired, or the months when you lived in a windowless apartment with no sunlight. It's forgivable but it was such a tremendous strain on my confidence. I was floating through my life, not sure what to do, knowing I was serious about photography and at a dead end on how to pursue it. My apprehension about my own future couldn't take the beating.

But aside from all that, on the deepest level, beyond being a good artist or being superficially attractive, being forced to see myself on a daily basis ripped into my insides and broke my mind. The photos speak for themselves--there were many portraits of extreme, genuine emotion. Real rage and desperation, real tears. I was raised in an emotionally-stunting house, where it wasn't safe to express myself. It mutated me. I was grown wrong. I buried all my feelings deep where I couldn't find them anymore, and this project forced me to dig them back up. This extent of self-reflection leaves no room for denial.

If you remember when I did this project you'll remember my self-portraits took a dramatic halt when I finished. I was too sick of seeing myself, too burned out. I needed a break from it. The project destroyed me, and it was a good thing, because it meant I could rebuild myself, but it was something I needed to do in private. I needed that.

So it's been two years. I'm in my second year of college (working on a photography degree), I've gotten my foot in the door with the local metal scene as a photographer, and I have a side-job to do photos at birthday parties. I've worked on my social anxiety enough that I've maintained a casual relationship for two years, as of today. It took doing 365 to even realize and admit to myself that I had social anxiety at all.

And now what?

I'm an art student and I struggle financially. I'm always trying to grow and improve myself. I am a work in progress. I want to be more assertive and respectful of myself. I need the shock to motivate me, I need the exhilarating pressure to wake up my mind. My education and prospective career requires a high level of creativity and I can't wait for the muse to come to me--I must find her. This is how I'll try. I don't know if it will work, but it's the only thing I can think to do.

I need to look at myself, harder, I need to uncover the problems I don't know I have, I need to destroy myself to fix myself. I'm older now. I'm more mature now. My collection of photography equipment has increased by about a thousand dollars. I need the hands-on experience to keep learning. As spiritual as it is, I also want to play and learn. As serious as I made it sound, it was also really fun.

The first time, I started on my 20th birthday. Today is my 23rd birthday.

Is it a mistake? I don't know. This remains to be seen. Part of me is groaning on the inside and wondering what the fuck I'm getting myself into, another part is telling me it's going to be a great way to document my education, and a great way to keep the ball rolling for all the projects I have to come up with.

We'll see.

I want it to be different this time. I want to put them in proper galleries (last time I kept them all together in self-portraits for the sake of the set). I want to show more of myself. Sometimes I miss how cute I used to be--wild and fresh and innocent--I want to come to terms with being an adult, and transform from a pretty girl to a beautiful woman. And I want you all to come with me on it, because if you don't, I'll fail. I need the pressure and scrutiny. If I don't think it'll let anyone down it'll be too easy to quit. This is big.

And, btw, hint-hint-------if anyone wants these on Flickr, you should maybe renew my pro account for my bday.

So, here we go again.

001/365.

And, P.S., blame ~mordere . She's amazing, inspiring, and I know she'll be happy I'm doing this. The encouragement means a lot to me and I hope you know how much I admire you. My love for you as an artist has completely transformed over the past few years from being so proud of you for developing this talent in yourself to being 100% genuinely respectful of your incredible vision and raw honesty. You are wonderful.

Description
Some of you may recall when I took a self portrait every day for a year. It's okay if you don't. They're here. If that's too overwhelming, here's the tl;dr version.

I never really revealed how gutting and difficult it was for me, but I think if you look between the lines you can see the struggle. It began as a fun project. At the time I'd only had my DSLR for four months and I thought it would be a fun way to get to know it. It was. By the time I finished I was like a walking light meter, unconsciously calculating the ISO of any room I entered, making myself aware of stable surfaces in case I'd have to drop under 1/25. You know. It would have come with time, anyway, but I took a self-reflective (and self-destructive) crash course. It was painful but it was worth it.

At first it was a fun project and learning experience, but it became a huge burden. On the surface level, there were times when I couldn't stand to look at my own face anymore. For all the issues I had in my life, I never had a poor self-image. I've always been comfortable in my own skin. Doing this project made me feel ugly at times and I'd never felt that. Aside from that, any day where I had no time or no ideas or no good lighting, I was still obligated to take a photo and still obligated to post it, and the amount of shitty photos I had to share crushed my confidence as an artist. Looking back I know I shouldn't have been so hard on myself. I was still new to the world of SLRs and I only had my kit lens--no accessories, no other options. I did what I could. I could forgive it and I could still share them, and it really is part of the process. Documenting a year of your life surely shares all the times you couldn't do it--the times you were too busy or too tired, or the months when you lived in a windowless apartment with no sunlight. It's forgivable but it was such a tremendous strain on my confidence. I was floating through my life, not sure what to do, knowing I was serious about photography and at a dead end on how to pursue it. My apprehension about my own future couldn't take the beating.

But aside from all that, on the deepest level, beyond being a good artist or being superficially attractive, being forced to see myself on a daily basis ripped into my insides and broke my mind. The photos speak for themselves--there were many portraits of extreme, genuine emotion. Real rage and desperation, real tears. I was raised in an emotionally-stunting house, where it wasn't safe to express myself. It mutated me. I was grown wrong. I buried all my feelings deep where I couldn't find them anymore, and this project forced me to dig them back up. This extent of self-reflection leaves no room for denial.

If you remember when I did this project you'll remember my self-portraits took a dramatic halt when I finished. I was too sick of seeing myself, too burned out. I needed a break from it. The project destroyed me, and it was a good thing, because it meant I could rebuild myself, but it was something I needed to do in private. I needed that.

So it's been two years. I'm in my second year of college (working on a photography degree), I've gotten my foot in the door with the local metal scene as a photographer, and I have a side-job to do photos at birthday parties. I've worked on my social anxiety enough that I've maintained a casual relationship for two years, as of today. It took doing 365 to even realize and admit to myself that I had social anxiety at all.

And now what?

I'm an art student and I struggle financially. I'm always trying to grow and improve myself. I am a work in progress. I want to be more assertive and respectful of myself. I need the shock to motivate me, I need the exhilarating pressure to wake up my mind. My education and prospective career requires a high level of creativity and I can't wait for the muse to come to me--I must find her. This is how I'll try. I don't know if it will work, but it's the only thing I can think to do.

I need to look at myself, harder, I need to uncover the problems I don't know I have, I need to destroy myself to fix myself. I'm older now. I'm more mature now. My collection of photography equipment has increased by about a thousand dollars. I need the hands-on experience to keep learning. As spiritual as it is, I also want to play and learn. As serious as I made it sound, it was also really fun.

The first time, I started on my 20th birthday. Today is my 23rd birthday.

Is it a mistake? I don't know. This remains to be seen. Part of me is groaning on the inside and wondering what the fuck I'm getting myself into, another part is telling me it's going to be a great way to document my education, and a great way to keep the ball rolling for all the projects I have to come up with.

We'll see.

I want it to be different this time. I want to put them in proper galleries (last time I kept them all together in self-portraits for the sake of the set). I want to show more of myself. Sometimes I miss how cute I used to be--wild and fresh and innocent--I want to come to terms with being an adult, and transform from a pretty girl to a beautiful woman. And I want you all to come with me on it, because if you don't, I'll fail. I need the pressure and scrutiny. If I don't think it'll let anyone down it'll be too easy to quit. This is big.

And, btw, hint-hint-------if anyone wants these on Flickr, you should maybe renew my pro account for my bday.

So, here we go again.

001/365.

And, P.S., blame ~mordere . She's amazing, inspiring, and I know she'll be happy I'm doing this. The encouragement means a lot to me and I hope you know how much I admire you. My love for you as an artist has completely transformed over the past few years from being so proud of you for developing this talent in yourself to being 100% genuinely respectful of your incredible vision and raw honesty. You are wonderful.