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KidsWithWaterGuns — how i learned to fly
Published: 2010-11-03 22:41:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 110; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
i wanted to give a good firstimpression. impress them.
so they would say
"what a good hostess,"
and pat my cheek.
i spent hours broiling and baking
and basting and boiling,
and then my fingertips
stung from touching
the pan my mother gave me
last year for christmas
while it was still hot.
i scrubbed my hands and arms
like surgeons because
he told me they liked
cleanliness. i told myself
not to stutter over
carefully chosen words (think
before you speak. think
before you speak.) tonight,
just tonight and i was sure
i would call him miel but
they would not understand
and i worried about the color
of my eyes.
when finally the doorbell rang
i had finished tying the rope
around my neck - this was
douleur and i could not
change my mind because i
was told they didn't like quitters,
kicked the stool from
beneath my feet
and flew.
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Comments: 5
"make a good first impression. impress them." Choose one.
"like surgeons." No, like a surgeon. That's if you must use simile - it's out of favor these days (as my editor friend keeps telling me when I try to sneak one past him). Better yet to have something like, "I scrubbed myself sterile for the operation" and make it a deep-level metaphor.
"not the stutter" I think you mean "not to stutter.
You have a great idea here, Soph. Keep polishing it!
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i can see what you mean with all of your critiques, and thank you especially for pointing out the type - i never would have caught that. with your other critiques i see where you're coming from with them, but the way i write is sort of stream-of-conciousness and with this poem i like how it plays out and how it flows.
with the first lines (first impression/impress them) i felt like have the same word repeated in different ways was interesting and i tried it without one or the other and it just doesn't sound right.
thanks so much for critiquing it
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I know exactly what you mean. I like the music of repetition, too ("the small rain down can rain"). I had to call you on it, though, because editors will call you on it. Everyone today goes by Hemingway's rule: "Kill your darlings." I have nights when I wonder if I shouldn't retire, if I'm not allowed to apply my style the way I want. But then somebody buys a piece for publication, and I trudge on. ;^)
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but what's the point of making art when it isn't your own, you know?
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wow, a typo trying to say typo.
sorry about that.
also, having, not have.
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