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There's some stuff on my mind I reallllly need to get out and this seems like a good time to do it, related to fitness cause I don't have anyone I can talk to about that stuff at the moment

So this is an old pic, just stole it from my instagram The date it gave me was 18 weeks ago, so that would have been sometime around August. I've started bulking to put on more muscle around two weeks ago at 2600 calories a day, but honestly I'm really struggling to maintain that level of food intake.

Physically, I feel stronger and better than ever, and my workouts are going well. I'm seeing a good amount of progress on a day to day basis (sounds insane but when you're starting skinny any growth is immediately apparent) which has been great at keeping me motivated. But mentally, I'm really struggling.

My relationship with food and body image has always been really complicated, mostly due to the way my father talks about the food he eats and comments specifically on what I eat, I'm going to get fat, don't eat this, don't do this xyz a million things I could go on and on. He's also highly fitness centric, but he has Orthorexia and an exercise obsession that I've witnessed from a young age-- which I've developed as well and have been dealing with for a few years at this point. I legitimately see a fat ass in the mirror every time I look. Both of us are making it worse for the other just by being around.

So I'm honestly really worried how I'm going to keep my caloric surplus up once he gets back from his trip, when I've moved back with my parents and am already struggling with eating. I'm worried I'm going to give up because it's extremely difficult for me eating knowing I'm gaining weight as I do it-- but I've made great progress and don't want to give that up as well. I also know it will be worth the mental hurdle once I can finally go into the cut in 6 months and lose the body fat and see the GAINSSS, but it's still a huge ass mountain I need to climb until then.

I've made progress I can be happy with in my arms, legs, and abs since I took this pic. My mom has also been reassuring me a lot lately so I know it's all in my head-- I'm not getting fat, and I feel good for the most part. I just need to be confident in myself and my decisions and stick to my plan. I need to trust myself over him and his opinions from now on. It feels good getting this out so I might post more updates like this every once in a while.

Also obvious fact at the end, this was a WIP for my Canaan cosplay I need to get back and finish that too, but part of me is thinking I should just wait until I'm in even better shape to cosplay Canaan and Alphard since I'm working out anyway DFCGHVJ My new job and plans for the year have been keeping me busy as well, but bro being on DA and seeing the pics on here just makes me wanna cosplay more and more so bad. BUT IM SOOO BUSYYYY...but.........yeah.............................................it'll be worth it when it happens to me.....................................I also need to find a new boxing gym in the area now that I moved.............thats another priority...................Also feels kinda weird not seeing my tattoo in this pic since I'm so used to it now MY ARM IS NAKED..........................................Im done

Description
There's some stuff on my mind I reallllly need to get out and this seems like a good time to do it, related to fitness cause I don't have anyone I can talk to about that stuff at the moment

So this is an old pic, just stole it from my instagram The date it gave me was 18 weeks ago, so that would have been sometime around August. I've started bulking to put on more muscle around two weeks ago at 2600 calories a day, but honestly I'm really struggling to maintain that level of food intake.

Physically, I feel stronger and better than ever, and my workouts are going well. I'm seeing a good amount of progress on a day to day basis (sounds insane but when you're starting skinny any growth is immediately apparent) which has been great at keeping me motivated. But mentally, I'm really struggling.

My relationship with food and body image has always been really complicated, mostly due to the way my father talks about the food he eats and comments specifically on what I eat, I'm going to get fat, don't eat this, don't do this xyz a million things I could go on and on. He's also highly fitness centric, but he has Orthorexia and an exercise obsession that I've witnessed from a young age-- which I've developed as well and have been dealing with for a few years at this point. I legitimately see a fat ass in the mirror every time I look. Both of us are making it worse for the other just by being around.

So I'm honestly really worried how I'm going to keep my caloric surplus up once he gets back from his trip, when I've moved back with my parents and am already struggling with eating. I'm worried I'm going to give up because it's extremely difficult for me eating knowing I'm gaining weight as I do it-- but I've made great progress and don't want to give that up as well. I also know it will be worth the mental hurdle once I can finally go into the cut in 6 months and lose the body fat and see the GAINSSS, but it's still a huge ass mountain I need to climb until then.

I've made progress I can be happy with in my arms, legs, and abs since I took this pic. My mom has also been reassuring me a lot lately so I know it's all in my head-- I'm not getting fat, and I feel good for the most part. I just need to be confident in myself and my decisions and stick to my plan. I need to trust myself over him and his opinions from now on. It feels good getting this out so I might post more updates like this every once in a while.

Also obvious fact at the end, this was a WIP for my Canaan cosplay I need to get back and finish that too, but part of me is thinking I should just wait until I'm in even better shape to cosplay Canaan and Alphard since I'm working out anyway DFCGHVJ My new job and plans for the year have been keeping me busy as well, but bro being on DA and seeing the pics on here just makes me wanna cosplay more and more so bad. BUT IM SOOO BUSYYYY...but.........yeah.............................................it'll be worth it when it happens to me.....................................I also need to find a new boxing gym in the area now that I moved.............thats another priority...................Also feels kinda weird not seeing my tattoo in this pic since I'm so used to it now MY ARM IS NAKED..........................................Im done