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Who Am I?

The clock keeps ticking
As it always shall
Until the end of time
When I realize this,
I see the 16 years that have passed,
All taken for granted.
But each year was as important as the last.
Each year determined who I am.
Today,
Tomorrow,
Next week,
Next year even.
Each one was filled with enlightening experiences.
Memories of the good times
And the bad times too.
They worked hand in hand,
Year after year,
To create who I am now.
And I know that each day lived
Is one day closer to a nap in the dirt
But I am not afraid.
The end of one existence is merely the beginning of the next.
But this is not to say that I don’t value my life.
I know that I should protect and cherish it as long as I can.

Although my being was determined by choices made in the past,
I cannot pretend to know who I am.
Who can know who anyone is?
All a person is
Is the choices that they make,
Their attitude toward life,
And what they believe.
Beliefs can change from day to day,
As can their attitude.
So is it possible to know who you are?
Or is that a lie devised by our culture?
That you know yourself better than anyone else?
I think that knowing yourself,
Equally as well as nature knows how to use our dead to bring more beings to life,
Is impossible.
There is no definite answer for ‘who you are’.
It’s merely assuming based on what you have already done.
You don’t know exactly what you will do in the future.
Your decisions are based on circumstance.

I believe in the inherent darkness in every being’s soul, along with light.
I believe that the future is never definite; it can be changed drastically by one decision.
I believe that being able to choose your family would take all the fun out of life.
I believe that a world that couldn’t feel pain or suffering would also be incapable of feeling joy or pleasure.
I believe that religion is a feeble attempt to explain the unexplainable.
I believe that fear is created by a lack of knowledge and understanding.
I believe that luck can get you farther than brains or brawn.
I believe that sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.

Knowledge is great, but it can be useless in some situations.
However, without knowledge, how can we, as a whole, live our lives?
This is why learning is vital to survival.
I have learned that expecting the unexpected only makes the unexpected expected.
I have learned that speaking your mind is important,
But if you don’t listen first, nobody will listen to you.
I have learned that a truly happy person desires nothing and envies none.
I have learned that fiction is written by those that would rather live fictional lives.
I have learned that our bodies are only the Alcatraz of our souls.
There is no escaping before your time comes without maiming your soul.

The good…
And the bad…
Both are needed to allow someone to develop in a mature fashion.
Joy and sorrow are the same way.
For me, I have needed:
Friends,
Books,
Writing,
Role playing,
Anime,
And video games,
All of them to be my positive reinforcements for growing up.
I have also needed:
The death of loved ones,
Pain beyond words,
Depression,
A shocking loss of innocence,
And a feeling of loss.
All of these to be the negative forces in my life.
But, here’s an interesting thought.
Are they negative if they played a vital role in making me what I am today?
Or are they more positives?
Like a sheep in wolf’s clothing?
They only seem bad at first,
But you come to realize in time…
They are really not that bad at all…
Look at day to day life for the stereotypical adult.
Wake up
Go to work
Get stuck in traffic
Come home
Sleep
Repeat.
No wonder so many people claim their school days to be the good times.
What pleasure is there to find in that autonomous monotony?
There isn’t any pleasurable variety in their lives.
It’s the same thing.
Day after day… after day… after day…
To be honest, I can’t understand why so many people look forward to a life like that.
They’re so anxious to get out from under their parents’ shelter.
To be free.
To be independent.
But when they start a live of their own, are they free?
Are they independent?
In a word…
No.
They’re trapped.
Like a disheveled rat in a locked box, there’s no escape.
They struggle and squirm, trying to get to the fresh air just outside of their regularity.
But they will never be able to reach it,
And they will be released from their life, still trapped in that box.

I am weak, but I am strong.
I am fragile, but I am tough.
I am small, but I am great beyond words.
I am ready for the future.
Ready for the endless lessons to be learned through life.
Ready to be disappointed when I reach the end of the tether on my life,
And still not understand as much as I would like.
Ready to be faced with impossible decisions.

Who are you?
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you think and believe?
Do you?
I doubt you do.
Knowing yourself is an impossible task,
Because there is more to everyone than can be understood.
Nobody will ever understand themselves,
And that may just be for the better.