Tprince19 [2009-10-27 22:12:44 +0000 UTC]
I like how in this one, no one dies, or is shot, or anything, just story development. Nice.
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Yveske [2009-10-27 22:01:59 +0000 UTC]
I like the idea, I do enjoy a good 20's-30's scene. However, there's a few things I'd do differently.
I fid the opening too direct. As a reader, you do start asking yourself questions about the main character -> tickling curiosity = good. But you could do it more subtle. You could, for example, have him look back, and think something along the lines of "good thing I'm leaving this place." That way you still tickly curiosity, yet, don't give too much information. I also wouldn't indicate he's a gangster right away. Then again, I haven't read anything else from you, so ig to no idea what you are planning to. I do think it'd be a good idea, to let readers guess about him. Perhaps, you could let him do things that win the reader's sympathy, and at the same time show small parts of his personality. (this latter is called exposition) It would be a rather amusing surprise, when readers find out the character they've grown a liking too, appears to be a gangster.
"Jimmy Rollins," he said, and I nodded my head. <- Excellent job. We know his name, through other means than just stating it. Very well done.
But I find it the whole thing short. Way too short. A LOT happens in a few lines. You could let a lot happen during the train ride. The way he looks at things and people he sees and meets during the train ride could provide good grounds for exposition and sympathizing. It will also give the reader the feeling the ride is actually very long. You stated it's long, but it doesn't feel that way because of the short lines.
"Seconds later, I was safe in my room, asleep." Stuff like this. It shows us he finds safety important, without telling us why. Do it more, but not too often. Show us he's anxious, but trying to hide it.
Most importantly, keep going. I do think this could prove an interesting read.
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