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Klaymour — A Train Ride
Published: 2009-10-23 22:40:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 158; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description Chicago's not safe for me anymore, I thought as I boarded the coal-black steam train. My luggage clanked behind me as I wheeled it into the aisle. Glancing at my ticket, I checked my seat number. Seat 13, I thought to myself. Excellent. I saw the seat in question and slumped into it, my leather baggage trunk sitting in front of me. My grey leather fedora was perched on my head and I removed it as I sat. The conductor strolled down the walkway, collecting tickets and reading off the names of their owners.
At last, he came to my almost-empty row. I handed him my ticket and he read off my name as he punched it.

"Jimmy Rollins," he said, and I nodded my head. My row was last, so the conductor turned on his heel and strode back up the aisle.
"Wisconsin, here I come," I said as the train rolled into motion.
A few minutes later, I was asleep, helped along by the rocking train. I awoke eight hours later and glanced out the window. Pitch black. I grinned as the train chugged on.

We entered Wisconsin two hours later and Hokum the two after that. Hokum was just a border town, and was extremely small, just perfect for a gangster like me. The train chugged to a stop and I exited quickly, my baggage trunk bumping down the steps. I stepped off the platform and onto Hokum's main street, searching for an inn. I stopped a man in the street and asked for directions. He pointed me toward a building at the other end of the street. I thanked him and walked on. The sand-brown building loomed ahead of me as I entered it. The manager looked up and tossed me a key. I tossed her a twenty. Seconds later, I was safe in my room, asleep.
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Comments: 4

Tprince19 [2009-10-27 22:12:44 +0000 UTC]

I like how in this one, no one dies, or is shot, or anything, just story development. Nice.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Yveske [2009-10-27 22:01:59 +0000 UTC]

I like the idea, I do enjoy a good 20's-30's scene. However, there's a few things I'd do differently.

I fid the opening too direct. As a reader, you do start asking yourself questions about the main character -> tickling curiosity = good. But you could do it more subtle. You could, for example, have him look back, and think something along the lines of "good thing I'm leaving this place." That way you still tickly curiosity, yet, don't give too much information. I also wouldn't indicate he's a gangster right away. Then again, I haven't read anything else from you, so ig to no idea what you are planning to. I do think it'd be a good idea, to let readers guess about him. Perhaps, you could let him do things that win the reader's sympathy, and at the same time show small parts of his personality. (this latter is called exposition) It would be a rather amusing surprise, when readers find out the character they've grown a liking too, appears to be a gangster.

"Jimmy Rollins," he said, and I nodded my head. <- Excellent job. We know his name, through other means than just stating it. Very well done.

But I find it the whole thing short. Way too short. A LOT happens in a few lines. You could let a lot happen during the train ride. The way he looks at things and people he sees and meets during the train ride could provide good grounds for exposition and sympathizing. It will also give the reader the feeling the ride is actually very long. You stated it's long, but it doesn't feel that way because of the short lines.

"Seconds later, I was safe in my room, asleep." Stuff like this. It shows us he finds safety important, without telling us why. Do it more, but not too often. Show us he's anxious, but trying to hide it.

Most importantly, keep going. I do think this could prove an interesting read.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Klaymour In reply to Yveske [2009-10-27 22:05:11 +0000 UTC]

I have kept going. There's two more chapters after this.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

TheAspenintheWillows [2009-10-23 23:11:35 +0000 UTC]

Very nice. I like the developement and I can't wait to read more.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0