HOME | DD
Knifapotamas — my firefly
Published: 2010-11-28 02:17:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 2667; Favourites: 64; Downloads: 23
Redirect to original
Description
she breathes inrivers,
and tries to trap the
droplets
in her palms-
(crying when they
slither through her fingers)
she closes her eyes but lets
the moonlight bleed through,
trusting her eyelids to filter out
the stars.
(only sometimes a twinkle or two
slips by)
sometimes she
leans a little
too far when peering over
the rim of that
dark space at the edge
of her bed.
(says she's looking for that
place you get a glimpse of when
you've finished with
one dream but
haven't quite begun the next)
when it snows she opens
her mouth 'cause
she knows the flakes are just
specks of the milky way.
(she cradles them to her, and
they mistake her for the sun)
i still look for her in lightning bugs, 'cause i think
maybe she tried to put their sparkles in her eyes.
Related content
Comments: 58
The imagery in the italicized portion is beautiful. Personally, i'm not much of a fan of the parenthesis side comment thing but shmeh. Anyways, I don't understand why you decided to structure the first part of the poem like that, with the random one word lines .-. I think if there are less line breaks on the left, it may be easier to read (and possibly flow better o3o). Finally, in the last line, I think you should remove "tried" because it gives the sense, at least to me, that she failed. I also am a bit critical of the uncertainty in that sentence ("i think", "maybe", and "tried") but that may be just me -shrugs-.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That was just absolutely amazing. I just love love love it! Anything that I could say seems to be inadequate.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ooh beautifully done. You each have a very unique tone but they really compliment eachother really well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Most gorgeous poem I have ever read. <3 Keep writing, this is absolutely stunning.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This is the most beautiful poem i have read on DA <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
<333 Thank you so much!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I really like this piece... you managed to work so good together 
I love the description in this... It is really explained with detail and gives a sense of serenity reigning throughout the poem.
The last part (the-one-in-bold) ends the whole thing amazingly and gave me the feeling of continuity... a sort of never ending hope to finding her once again..... longing till that day comes......
Really great work on this one...
Next objective: Fav ^^
(P.S. commented to both pieces the same comment.. cause it felt kinda wierd posting a comment to only one of the submissions...)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very much! It was a lot of fun working together with her. ^^
Thank you! The last part is mine. ^^
And thanks for commenting to both, that's great.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
its beautiful, yur very talented, i wish i was as gud as yu,
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Very nice job. It paints a lovely picture in my mind.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you very much. ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
A very interesting collab, nice.
My usual rant over grammar (you have some singular vs plural tense issues) and punctuation (capitals and fullstops) applies, but this is brilliant. Normally collabs can end up being very boring, but the two of you have worked together fantastically to create a wonderful piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
xD Thanks for pointing it out, I'm actually a grammar freak myself. However, technical mistakes in this are actually intentional. I tend to stray from the rigid rules of traditional English in my poetry alone. For me, lack of conventional capitalization and/or punctuation is just part if my style. (: Thank you, though! ^^ Sorry if it bothers you, but that's just the way I usually write my free verse.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lack of capitalization I can handle,
but if there is no punctuation, how are your readers supposed to know when to breathe, when to pause for emphasis/thought and what lines you want them to pay extra-attention to?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
For me, the pause between clauses comes naturally to the mind, although that may just be a personal thing. :/
...I think, perhaps to me, at least, that sometimes I feel as though capitalization and stolid punctuation make things feel like concrete SENTENCES, like solid building blocks, whereas the style I use tends to more accurately portray how I envision my poems- Free and fluid, like wisps of thought as opposed to concrete sentences.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You can still have solid sentences and the poem can be free and flowing. The sentences just help the reader know what to do. That's their job. Take the following as an example.
1. Punctuationless
The Tree
That Tree
The Snake
That Snake
The Woman
That Woman
We always find someone to blame
When we choose to do wrong
[Now, where do you breathe? Where do I want you to pause to really think about the line? Where do I want you to read it run-on?]
2. With Punctuation:
The Tree...
That Tree.
The Snake...
That Snake.
The Woman...
That Woman.
We always find someone to blame
When we choose to do wrong.
[Now you know, contemplate 'tree' 'snake' 'woman' and that the last two lines are run-on and go together. It's still free (doesn't rhyme, no meter, no set form or style) but your average reader with low intelligence who cannot fill in the punctuation themselves will be able to read it and understand the meaning.]
Point receievd?
Capitalisation, though I personally prefer it, can add to some artist's style and I agree 100% with that. IF it is constant within the piece. Having all capitals, but making the i small because you want to show how little you mean to the world is the most annoying thing to read, because when it's read aloud both I and i sound the same. So instead of that, use a metaphor or some allegory or hyperbole and show me how little you mean with your words not with the capitalisation.
Sorry, I am kind of answering this backwards...maybe because its 6am and my three kittens just woke me by playing 'catch' on my bed while I was still in it.
You mention "For me, the pause between clauses comes naturally to the mind, although that may just be a personal thing. :/" Two points on that.
1. If it is your own piece, then it will be mostly a personal thing because you know where they were in your head when you wrote it. The average reader, though, can't see inside your head when they read the poem, so the punctuation is to help them really.
2. Some people can do this with other people's poems. However, that's then imposing where I think (or they think) the pauses should go which is not always where the poet intended them to be - which is why sometimes in poems with no punctuation you will find you get comments by people saying 'Nice poem. I love how you expressed your hatred for the man and his lover.' when you were writing about your boyfriend's preference to spending time with his dog, and the emotion was annoyance/anger.
3. It takes a very 'advanced' reader/writer to be able to completely step into another's work and know what they meant - even with punctuation. And, unfortunately, I have met very few at that level...especially on DA where the focus at times seems to be more on 'how many naked pics of myself can I take and submit' than 'let's find true artists and writers'.
You mention that you see punctuation etc as building blocks, that's kind of what they are. Everything needs something to start with. Sometimes, a title comes to my mind and I write based on the title/theme. Sometimes it's opposite and an emotion comes through and I write on that. That's a building block, or step, in the poetry process. Call the punctuation and capitalisation and grammar steps if you prefer; your wisps of thought need something to stand on or hang off...least they get tired of floating and fall.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
Wow, some great insight xD do you right critiques often? I wouldn't mind reading more of your advice
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I do poetry critiques for
(using both this and my *MagicalJoey account)
I also sometimes do crits for premium members, on both accounts, which you can view on my profile pages.
Also, when I'm not having a personal crisis, I will generally comment and give a very small crit (a point or two) on works submitted into any of my three groups:
and
(I also comment on submissions to my other group and will probably give small crits if (when) that gets more members who submit written work)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
So if I'm interested in reading more of your critiques, I would look for pieces in those specific groups, correct?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
More so in #SuperWritersHelp
If you troll through the poetry gallery you can see if I critted it or someone else. Also, on my profile here and on *MagicalJoey (both of whom are me and crit for the above-mentioned group) there is a section where you can view the premium crits I've done.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Alright, i'll check it out xD
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Much thanks for the advice. ^^ I completely get what you're saying, but to me I actually do intend to leave my writing fluid and open to interpretation. For me, there never IS one single meaning. Maybe you want to read it as hatred for the man and his lover, maybe you want to interpret it as your boyfriend spending time with his dog. I see poetry one way, you may see it the next. To me, we may all take different meanings from it- But regardless of the message, we are all affected.
Thanks again for taking the time to write that all up, I appreciate it. ^^ However, I'm rather partial to my style that I've developed, I hope you understand. You write your poetry one way, I choose to write mine another.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Perfectly understood.
But I will probably always comment if the style and the interpretation clash.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
xD We all have our quirks, I suppose. ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yup...thats what makes us special
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>