thenightsend [2003-12-19 04:40:09 +0000 UTC]

Can't catch me Don't catch me
Can't save me You won't save me
Can't hold me No one can hold me
Can't bring me back. It's over, I won't be back


Try to vary the verbs you use a little more, especially if you're using a verb to start a line. The stuff in italics isn't wonderful, I know, but it does flow a bit better. I have writer's block, cut me some slack. But I think it gives you the general idea of what you should try to do. I don't recommend to be verbs but I'm too tired to figure out how to do it with active ones without ruining the meaning and message you're trying to protray.

Also- try
Lungs burning
Heart thundering
etc.

(Getting rid of excess "mys"
By the way- I like the choice of verbs you used to discribe how the organs felt.

Like I've said before, try to limit words.

I'd love to see you redo one of your pieces sometime.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

crazi8s [2003-08-30 01:37:23 +0000 UTC]

thats nice I love each and every line good work ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

rickets101 [2003-08-30 01:21:36 +0000 UTC]

"You let my spirit fly
Because I'm drowning"
that bits cool
i like
not really my type of poetry
but i like this one
good work

👍: 0 ⏩: 0