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April 5th, 2013-
11:00PM-
Just ask him- Shouldn't have to ask.
It's not a big deal.
To him it is. He's going to say no, it's going to be a fight. Another Birthday is going to get ruined. Forget it.
No, this needs to change. Now.

Quickly finishing the rest of my Pork Ramen, I rinsed the bowl and put it in the dishwasher , eager to start cleaning for Umbrella Specter to come over tomorrow. So far my week has been amazing, for more reasons than anyone could ever imagine. Oh my excitement- and anxiousness...
"Hey babe, I know it's your Birthday tomorrow, but do you mind if I go fishing with my dad in the morning?" Perfect...
"No, I don't mind..." I made my way to the couch to sit by him, also eager to open up my laptop and see if I had any new messages... No, don't fuck this up.
"Specter was gonna come over tomorrow anyways for a few hours." Nervously, my eyes met his. I should of asked him this a while ago, but with him it was always hard to find the right moment to ask. You shouldn't have to ask at all, you're fucking about to be 25 years old! And he's not your damn father-
"Why?" ...What? What do you mean why??
"It's my Birthday and I wanted to actually meet her..."
"What are you guys going to do?" Oh that tone- Jesus Christ. We're going to work the corner to get some crack and Heroin, then steal a car to rob a bank . You know, the things you act like we're going to do. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. Why does it matter?
"Take videos and pictures with my car and whatnot..." A moment went by, and Justin didn't say anything. Strange... Maybe he doesn't care cause Specter's a girl? She did talk to him and the other guys on Teamspeak when we played Diablo, they got along...
Getting up, I started cleaning in the bathroom when he went back over to his computer to read Reddit or play Diablo 3. My heart raced, for I was so excited to meet this talented and amazing woman. We had talked more and more over the months, meeting on DeviantArt (DA) and eventually chatting on Skype/Oovoo. Umbrella Specter and I had more in common than we both knew, making us rather close friends.
"I told you not to put those pictures on the internet!!!" My heart went into my throat after skipping a few beats, rocking my body hearing him scream from the living room like that.
Oh no. There is no fucking WAY he went on my DeviantArt! This isn't happening.
I stayed frozen for a moment, my eyes finding myself in the mirror, unsure what to say at this point as I hoped it wasn't what I thought it was. So fucking stupid, it shouldn't even be an issue.
"What are you talking about?" I called back, forcing myself to continue cleaning the bathroom. Not that it was that messy to begin with...
"The pictures with fucking that DC guy!" Shit! Shit fucking Christ!
"You said no Facebook-" Leaving the bathroom, I stopped by the one couch, staring at him. Get off my fucking Deviant Art- ugh, you act like I'm showing nudes on there!

"No, I remember saying no internet. I don't want my family and friends seeing that shit and asking me questions-"
"They shouldn't be fucking stalking me then! It's not a big deal ." Oh I was pissed now. As scared as I was, this was NOT happening on my fucking Birthday! I was expecting to get into a huge fight, but instead, he went to bed. I was a bit- no, I was fucking seriously shocked that he dropped this fight. I cleaned with such anger for most of the night. All cause his family was so damn judge mental. I still didn't get what the big deal was, Justin wasn't in the pics, they didn't know what day it was he took me, so technically, if his family were to ask, I could just say I went by myself or with some friends. It made me think back to when it happened, begging Specter to come down to join me to be an extra in "Apocalypse Kiss ".

A few days later I wrote my experience from that day I got to be on set with DC (Voice actor of Albert Wesker for those who don't know) -
Report: Meeting DC Douglas:bulletred: I know you guys have been waiting a while to hear about my day with DC Douglas and the crew of Apocalypse Kiss. https://www.facebook.com/KissTheApocalypse Enjoy! ;)

9:35 AM-
Beep beep- beep beep -My heart hammered as I reached over to turn off the alarm on my phone, forcing myself to wake up. For today, was going to be an amazing day. I quickly got out of bed, brushing my hair back out of my face as I walked around my bed, telling my Fiance' to wake up. Turning on lights as I went, I found my way to the kitchen, retrieving my Fierce Grape Gatorade to take my Zertec-D with. Allergies kill me in this state, and the D helps ke
Oh the blast we would've had Specter if you came... Again, I had to remind myself of my age, why did I have to explain myself? My own family wouldn't even do this to me!

  How fucking stupid, he cares so much what other people think, I shouldn't of even told him about Apocalypse Kiss. Shoulda just went, everyone else thought it was a great thing to go to. What does Specter coming down here made him go and check my DA page? He acts like I fucked the guy- Hell, all he thinks is that all my guy friends are out to get me. Maybe some of them are... But, trust me Justin, if I wanted to cheat on you, I've had more than enough opportunities. You're lucky I'm loyal after the shit I let you get away with, sleeping with two girls and trying to get me a girlfriend that you could fuck while I was at work all day like that one time. Piece of shit, technically I shouldn't care, gives me a damn break from you trying to bone me all the damn time. Virgin Nerd I swear...
After cleaning, I went on my Lakota Facebook, Twitter, DA, anything to try and calm myself down. Happy Fucking Birthday to me! I wrote a few depressing statuses here and there, just completely pissed that this was happening, and not ready to face what was going to happen tomorrow. I should just give up Resident Evil... Then none of this would even happen....
I couldn't help but get back into that broken state of mind, the same thoughts from when I asked my Fiance about the whole Apocalypse Kiss ordeal that DC got me to be an extra in. One hell of a gift, I couldn't even believe it was happening, except for the messages from everyone I still had. It caused such a huge fight that I almost deleted all my Lakota stuff right then and there. But no, he agreed that I could go- only if he could take me. I agreed, and expected the worst. So I began planning right then and there, doing whatever it took to make him happy so he wouldn't act like an ass in front of those amazing people. Having sex every day for the whole week untill it happened, like a chore as Justin even said. It was even better when Justin actually met DC and thought he was gay! Of course I went along with that, so he wouldn't snap on the poor guy- especially with how surprisingly DC was acting towards me. But Roxsy and all them, if they saw how Justin really was... That would ruin me forever...
I thought back to when we first started dating, when I was living in Savannah at my moms, and he was in Philly with his family. We did long distance for about 6 months, till I decided to move up there. Though I had gotten a taste of his... sexual appetite and anger issues a few times flying up there to visit, it wasn't enough to scare me away. That, or I was just so desperate to get out of my moms house. Right after I had moved up there, I regretted it, but stayed in denial. Partly also cause I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of my friends and family, I was known for proving people wrong. So I hurt myself for years just to look happy, that meeting people over the internet wasn't bad, and could actually work. My mind was more than just split in two, but I was aware of the little voice in the back of my head. Some called it paranoia...
But there were good times, the times I tried to hold on to. The ones where we looked like the perfect couple in front of people. One was at his sisters wedding , it was magical, despite a fight the night before to hang out with our friends who were drinking all night. I was always one to hang onto the good times, because my life had enough negativity growing up. Focusing on positive is what got me so far.
Before going to bed, I found myself talking to my good friend "Projektbow" and "DarkJak337". I had remember telling Projekt before when I first got engaged that things were finally getting better. Now look at me... It was embarrassing to tell him and Jak this stuff, but I needed to vent. I had learned better from bottling shit inside years ago... Or did I? I hated telling other people my problems, I thought it was just rude and that no one would ever be able to understand, or help me for that matter....
Quickly, I wrote Specter a note on DA explaining not to leave until I was sure she could come over. "I'm coming over no matter what." Her words repeated in my head, and I feared her showing up at my place with how Justin was. Especially now, pissed about pics with a guy I had wanted to meet for years... The voice actor of Wesker, any real RE fan would die to meet him. He was famous for other movies, shows and games he was in also.
Specter... Please wait till I say it's alright... I'm begging you... At this point, I was more worried about her than I was for myself. The last thing I ever wanted was my friends to get hurt, or have to deal with drama.

April 6th, 2013-
8:37 AM- I was up pretty early, despite the fact I was up till almost 5 am the night prior. My Fiance was awake next to me, and our fight started right back up again. Going from why I wanted Specter to come down, why he didn't want her to come down, which didn't make sense. Aren't you going fishing with your dad??? The fuck does it matter!?
He explained he was done meeting people over the internet, which was complete BS. He would meet any of his Diablo friends if given the chance. He just wanted me done with Resident Evil, and possibly video games for that matter. Did I want to believe it? Of course not, but it brought up a question I had asked before in previous fights.
"Justin, you knew what you were getting into before I moved up here. You knew how much I love Resident Evil."
"I was hoping you'd grow up by now." After hearing those words, I found it hard to breathe. I felt like my lungs, all my insides were being ripped apart, especially my heart.
He lied to me... After all these years- saying he loved everything about me... Slowly he'd been trying to change me, I cannot- I cannot- I can't-
Remembering what I said is impossible at this point. The tears flooded out faster than I could even grasp, but it didn't even come close to how I was feeling inside. I gasped for air, clutching the red silk sheets as I moved away from him.
"I want to fucking leave- I can't be with someone like you- you lied to me! You love nothing about me!" I screamed, burring my head back into my Umbrella pillow, crying my broken heart out as tears flooded my pillow. After explaining how serious I was about leaving, the look in my eyes and the tone in my voice must of done it. This was the 2nd birthday of mine he ruined. I screamed, explaining I would leave right now if I wasn't so sure about my stuff getting destroyed. For every time we fought he threatened to smash my Xbox360, Laptop, anything he knew I valued. It was beyond fucked up.
How could I do this to myself... Why didn't I see it sooner... Everyone was right, everyone had been telling me from the start- Oh don't you fucking dare!
"Don't you fucking touch me! I want nothing- nothing to do with you!" I coward away from him, still trying to find the strength to breathe. Shocked blue eyes stared back into my sea green ones, surrounded by crimson, drowning...
Eventually he was able to hold me, apologize, and agree that Specter was able to come over. Why does it have to take me crying for him to do things my way... Am I really asking that much? I knew I wasn't, but didn't want to face the reality. Though reality hit the moment he explained how he really felt about me. What was there to grow up about me? Oh sorry, working full-time and going to school full-time clearly isn't fucking growing up. Oh no, not to mention trying to plan a fucking wedding that none of my family and friends can come to- you selfish prick.

After a while I was able to calm down, especially after explaining how this was a 2nd birthday he ruined. My 21st birthday right after midnight he almost didn't take no for an answer. It was shortly right after I moved up here too. Right then and there I should of left... Am I really happy? What am I doing anymore... I pushed away those thoughts, for it was too terrifying to even consider. Why? Because I came too far? Got my license, car of my dreams, a home, back in school, a great job... Is this worth it? Lakota, you're not happy-
Enough. My thoughts, again, were my own worst enemy.
Quickly on Skype, I told Specter that she and her Fiance could come over, hoping she wouldn't ask what the hell happened last night while Justin was sitting next to me. Shutting my laptop, I started cleaning again and getting ready.
"Are you going to do something about those pictures?" I nearly broke my teeth. Are we still back on this!?
"Yea, I'll make them private when I'm done." I said as calmly as possible, disappearing into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. I wasn't going to delete them, there was no reason for that. Spiteful as I may be, I know when something is too fucking stupid to be fighting about. And this, most certainly was one of them.
3 hours later Specter and her Fiance arrived, and I felt my sadness go away. Out of the car, she carried a poster with her, something she made me for my birthday! (Sorry I don't have a pic of it, but will soon) Aww Specter! You didn't have to do that, you coming here was enough! I was shocked to find out we were the same height, though people always told me I seemed taller in my pictures. Perhaps cause the way I walked around, or because my car was so tiny, who knew.
Off to Las Margaritas we went on our double date, where on the ride there Justin commented on how Specter and her Fiance definitely shop at Hot Topic. I growled for him to be nice, pushing my luck just a bit, but he was respectful. He always had something to fucking say, I just hoped he didn't say it to their face. There was your pros about dating a troll, but lately all it's been was cons...
Our lunch was nice as we talked about video games, something I brought up for I knew it would catch his attention and put him more at ease. I wanted him to like them more than anything. Embarrassing really, but at the moment, I found myself grinning at Specter. Her red mo-hawk was stunning, fitting her personality completely. Specters Fiance was incredibly sweet, making me happy for the girl seeing them together. I picked at my food as we ate, not really too keen on what I choose to get, though at the same time I was barely hungry. More so excited for our next few hours to come- which also had me on high alert.
Back at the apartment, the guys were to stay and play Mortal Kombat, something I picked up on Easter on my way back home... Other thoughts came back to me seeing the game, and I quickly found myself running down the stairs with Specter behind me. I felt like she knew my panic when I put in the game I got from that day, despite last night. Specter and I had gotten close, one of the few people I could trust anymore... My right hand Tessla, and my left hand Specter. Who am I, Ramon Salazar!?
Specter was quick to start recording our adventure before we even got in the car- Which I was well aware needed a nice bath-

To our somewhat serious role playing videos we made-
And for our serious role play video-

And some pictures we took-

When we got back to my apartment, the boys were watching Doctor Who. Christ I hate this damn show - does Dino even like this show!? They explained that they beat the game, to which we were shocked we were gone that long. Time flies when you're having fun... I can't tell if he's angry or not... Christ, just eat a damn brownie and get your high on. It was sad that the only way I could deal with him was when he was high, but that was the only time the guy was relaxed. Drunk- forget that. I didn't care how much he smoked...
A little after 5, Specter and her Fiance left, where I promised myself I'd go visit her. Even though they invited Justin along, I wanted to hang out with her for a weekend by myself. I needed my own vacation badly, I was lucky to get a day off anymore... Speaking of vacation, Tessla and her boyfriend "Chaos" were planning for me to come down in the end of July for her Birthday and MetroCon. Had this been in the works? Not really, again, I had to find the right time and way to ask my Fiance... But I was determined to go down for more reasons than anyone other than my 3 girls were aware of. Trista was the 3rd, an old room mate that was also close with me. I wanted them all to go down to Florida with me...

April 13th, 2013-
8:30PM- Justin was away for the weekend up at his mountain house with his dad. He was pissed at me for not taking off work, but I wasn't. We needed the money, and I liked having space to my damn self, bring myself out of the shell he forced me to be in so fighting wouldn't come around.
I was supposed to have a friend come over to help me with a video I wanted to do, but he had plans... Ah Specter, what shall we do on this wonderful evening? Well, to sum it up...-

Oh what a fun night, would of been better if Specter was actually here with me... I tend to stay up all night if I have the place to myself, until I pass out that is. The next day we spent on webcam after work doing this!

Literally took all night, and I even dropped my laptop at one point, which really had me in a rage. Body slamming the floor in my wolf costume, oh that weekend was a ball... Everyone I wanted to talk to, I was able to. No one up my ass bothering me, telling me what to do, bitching at me, begging for sex, nothing! This was my world, and I was slowly starting to realize just how badly I needed to stay in it. Again, help from my girls and a few other people were slowly starting to pull me further and further into the light and out of the darkness.

April 20th, 2013-
11:45 PM- Upon my Fiance being stoned as all hell and somewhat annoying, asking me to play Diablo with him or have sex, my two options anymore if I was home. Earlier he had set me off by quickly jumping over to see what I was doing on my laptop. Calling me fishy when I Xed out of my stuff. There's nothing fishy about it, I just know you don't like my Lakota stuff- ya know, the reason you met me. Remember that? Of course not, you ignorant fuck.
Oh I was pissed, yet calming down for he was back on his computer playing with his Diablo friends and forgetting about me. Back on my laptop, I stared at the screen, ready for a mission that had me torn in more ways than I could understand. A two and a half hour drive... Could probably make it in less than 2 with the Impreza... Fuck.
[...Woman! NOW!] What I was reading from a friend- Damon, was sending chills so hard I felt like I was high. Holy shit- I have to, I can't- fuck fuck fuck-
"I'm going to get some food, do you want anything?" Closing my laptop, I had my shoes and hoody on before I knew it, slinging my purse around my shoulder eager to run out the door.
Thankfully he didn't want anything, and out the door I was, running down the stairs out so fast I almost tripped, probably would of killed myself if I didn't jump the last couple of steps and land the way I did. My heart rocked within me as I neared my Audi TT ; "Tiny Tyrant", unlocking him and quickly getting in. My memory was amazing, especially with numbers. Is this really happening!?!??
The voice on the other end of the phone told me it was. Holy shit Lakota!! Damon was trying to guide me in the right direction, but my damned leash had a good hold on me, and I hated myself for it. Damon wanted to save me, and was begging me to drive down to where he was for the weekend. Few plans were in my head to get away with it, but the fear of getting caught was strong, Damon was well aware. About 10 minutes later in the Wendys parking lot, I dialed Tessla's number, shaking and breathing heavily as if I just ran a 5k.
"Tessla, am I really crazy? What should I do..." If I had an actually iphone, I would of been on Oovoo with both her and Specter for their opinion, which I already knew what that was. They all were trying to help me, but I could only help myself at this point. My first clue, was that I shouldn't of felt torn at all if what I had for my Fiance was real.
"Lakota, he treats you like fucking shit." The reason why I loved Tessla so much, is that she didn't bullshit you whatsoever. She had been my bestfriend for over 6 years, not to mention stayed with me for 2 weeks and witnessed quite a bit of my Fiance and I back in 2010... I loved this girl in more ways than some were aware of.

Though the Dear Wesker should really be Dear Haters
"I don't want to feel this way, I don't know what to do. I want to go..." I stared out into the darkness as I relaxed into my leather seat, letting go of the steering wheel, praying I was anywhere but here in this shitty town. The temptation to do that drive was killing me. I wanted it so fucking badly, more than anything I had felt in a very, very long time. Not that long, it's why you woke up to begin with.
"I feel like I'm finally awake Tess... I'm scared..." Opening up was the hardest thing for me to do, especially when you're in denial, and the ones you feel closest to are just so damn far away. Tessla was in Florida, Specter was 3 hours north of me. I already knew my answer, but I didn't want to accept it yet. My friends were trying their best to push me in the right direction without pushing me further away from the truth. I was spiteful, where when people tried to tell me to do something or convince me, I would do the opposite. I couldn't help it, I never wanted to follow anyone or ask for help- ever.
I cursed myself when I found myself back home- no, back in hell. I was living Lakota's life more than people could even realize, and that's exactly what was helping me. I felt my inner flame glow brighter as I realized this, and realized what was going to happen next. The idea terrified me-
No. It's what needs to be done. Everything happens for a reason, and this- THIS Lakota, is happening for a reason. You've come so far already...

April 21st, 2013-
12:25 PM- When I realized the time, I nearly smashed my phone into the damn wall as I jumped out of bed. Justin wasn't even awake! The plans for Damon had just went out the window, and I hated myself all the more as I rushed to my laptop in my living room. Apologizing didn't do justice for how I felt, I was a disappointment and a failure. Quickly, I emailed Damon-

[ I am SO SORRY I didn't wake up this morning!! I am so mad at myself right now you have no idea! And I'm still tired- despite my anger, I don't get it =[ I guess that's what happens when you work full-time and go to college full time =[

I will make it up to you, I promise. You have no idea how much I hate myself right now =[ I just found out my friend bought a Lotus Exige- and I'm tempted to have her drive my ass down there this minute! Though, If I took the tuned Subaru Impreza RS I'd prolly make it there faster... Though, it's rush hour on a Sunday. I can imagine the traffic I'd run into.

I am so mad, if only you heard and saw me after I got off the phone with you... =[[ ]

His reply was quick-

[ I figured that was the case! No worries! Glad it wasn't because u got in an argument, etc. ]

It's really not ok... If only you knew what I was going through... But he does- he's my friend, and I need to realize this. Fuck me... All these people telling me this- even people I never would believe to try and help me with this...
The signs were all in front of me. Would I ever accept them? It's been over 4 years, what hope was there anymore... All my friends could do was hope and wait...


April 24th, 2013-
9:03 AM- On my laptop I was outside of my next class that was to start at 11:00, Intermediate Algebra, one of my favorite classes at that. I was livid about something that had happened the night before, venting to Specter and Tessla about it in our private Chatzy. Everything lately had just destroyed me, and the gears in my head were finally turning, despite my other "shades" trying to pulling me this way and that.

"Get a place with us, we can help you Lakota." Oh the idea was electrifying, but they forgot one thing.
"How would I get out..." I felt trapped, chained down and as if there was no setting me free. You know who to call, he can help you...
My class was about to start, forcing me to get off. I was shaking from the ideas of our conversation to the point I almost vomited all over my desk. I could barely pay attention, my vision was blurred, I was light headed yet felt like gravity was pulling me into the chair. I couldn't get the ideas out of my head, but things were getting worse, and I needed to get out before it was too late. What I had to realize, and was realizing, was that there were more cons than pros in our relationship. The bad, definitely outweighed the good, and it was sickening, and down right painful to finally admit.

12:08 PM- I called Tessla on the way to work, which was right down the road from my college.
"Call him and let me know what he says. You're going to be okay."
"Yea... Alright, I'll call you back." Hanging up after turning my car off, I forced my hands to still as I searched through my contacts.
I have to do this... Each ring I heard made my anxiety worse as I stared out the window at the CVS building where I worked.
"Well hello my beautiful God daughter!" My heart exploded- Don't you dare break-

"Hello God father... I... need your help..." Talking was harder than I could ever imagine as the lump in my throat got worse. I forced back my tears as I told him everything that has been happening lately, as well as the last 4+ years. He was quiet as he listened, instead of out bursting like some may have.

"Alright... So what do you want to do?" I understood that angered tone. There was a reason why he was my Godfather, him and my dad were best friends, he was always there for my dad, and did whatever he could for me. There was no truer Godfather than mine. People respected him big time him, all over Boston... He ran businesses and was a natural born leader- like my father. Intelligent was an understatement when it came to my God Father.
"I... need to leave... " Saying it out loud to him had me choke, but I recollected myself and took a breath.
"I don't know whether to leave with him here, or maybe you can talk to him while I pack-"
"No. There is only one way we're doing this. When he's at work, we'll pack up, leave a note, and get you out of there." Well shit, I guess that is the only way. Those two together, Christ I can't even imagine. Both protective, and Justin would be a damn mess... The cops would show up- if they weren't to kill each other first. I shivered.
I agreed to the terms, realizing it truly was the only way I could do this.
"Why haven't you told me sooner?" I sighed, wiping a tear from my left eye.
"Because I just woke up." It was the truth, and I couldn't be more thankful for it.
We set the date for I was pretty sure when school was going to end. May 22nd. That, and I wanted to give my boss plenty of time to be able to find someone to replace me. There wasn't many people I worked with that could take my spot. I was the most flexible, despite now in school, and I could do pretty much everything there. The thought of leaving my work stung, but I had no choice. I had to do what was best for me, and stop worrying about other people.
[Just got off the phone with my Godfather. May 21st he'll be driving down from Boston, staying the night at the Radisson up the road from me, then will come over when Justin's at work to help me pack. I'm walking into work now, I'll call you on my way to class.] Sending the text to Tessla as I walked into work, I tried to keep myself together as I just thought back the past few hours. Today was a day where I didn't have to deal with customers, it was truck day. 4 hour spent in stocking pills and medicine throughout the pharmacy. It was perfect for what had just happened.
I really just set these plans in stone. I hope I'm doing the right thing...
Starting over was hard, but I knew it was what I had to do, for my own sanity. I couldn't get married, not to him. I kept myself together better than I had thought, even while I worked truck around my co-workers. That was the thing with me, reality never hit till it was literally right there in front of me. I dreaded the day I was to leave, for I wouldn't know if I could really handle it...
I guess we'll see.
Was I leaving him over Resident Evil? Video games? Part of me thought it was crazy, insane even. But that was partially true, in more ways than I could even begin to admit. My girls knew that story, whether I told them all of it or not. I was leaving because my whole life I refused to ever let someone change me. And here, I had been slowly letting him do that. I had every right to enjoy the things I liked, for I worked and went to school full-time. Not to mention came home and cleaned up most of the apartment. This wasn't the life I had imagined myself, and I needed to get out before I was trapped with rings and children. The thought sickened and terrified me. There had been enough fights, I was just fed up and done. The next month was going to be hell...
I need to be Lakota more than ever now if I want to get through this...

;) (Wink) — Description
April 5th, 2013-
11:00PM-
Just ask him- Shouldn't have to ask.
It's not a big deal.
To him it is. He's going to say no, it's going to be a fight. Another Birthday is going to get ruined. Forget it.
No, this needs to change. Now.

Quickly finishing the rest of my Pork Ramen, I rinsed the bowl and put it in the dishwasher , eager to start cleaning for Umbrella Specter to come over tomorrow. So far my week has been amazing, for more reasons than anyone could ever imagine. Oh my excitement- and anxiousness...
"Hey babe, I know it's your Birthday tomorrow, but do you mind if I go fishing with my dad in the morning?" Perfect...
"No, I don't mind..." I made my way to the couch to sit by him, also eager to open up my laptop and see if I had any new messages... No, don't fuck this up.
"Specter was gonna come over tomorrow anyways for a few hours." Nervously, my eyes met his. I should of asked him this a while ago, but with him it was always hard to find the right moment to ask. You shouldn't have to ask at all, you're fucking about to be 25 years old! And he's not your damn father-
"Why?" ...What? What do you mean why??
"It's my Birthday and I wanted to actually meet her..."
"What are you guys going to do?" Oh that tone- Jesus Christ. We're going to work the corner to get some crack and Heroin, then steal a car to rob a bank . You know, the things you act like we're going to do. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. Why does it matter?
"Take videos and pictures with my car and whatnot..." A moment went by, and Justin didn't say anything. Strange... Maybe he doesn't care cause Specter's a girl? She did talk to him and the other guys on Teamspeak when we played Diablo, they got along...
Getting up, I started cleaning in the bathroom when he went back over to his computer to read Reddit or play Diablo 3. My heart raced, for I was so excited to meet this talented and amazing woman. We had talked more and more over the months, meeting on DeviantArt (DA) and eventually chatting on Skype/Oovoo. Umbrella Specter and I had more in common than we both knew, making us rather close friends.
"I told you not to put those pictures on the internet!!!" My heart went into my throat after skipping a few beats, rocking my body hearing him scream from the living room like that.
Oh no. There is no fucking WAY he went on my DeviantArt! This isn't happening.
I stayed frozen for a moment, my eyes finding myself in the mirror, unsure what to say at this point as I hoped it wasn't what I thought it was. So fucking stupid, it shouldn't even be an issue.
"What are you talking about?" I called back, forcing myself to continue cleaning the bathroom. Not that it was that messy to begin with...
"The pictures with fucking that DC guy!" Shit! Shit fucking Christ!
"You said no Facebook-" Leaving the bathroom, I stopped by the one couch, staring at him. Get off my fucking Deviant Art- ugh, you act like I'm showing nudes on there!

"No, I remember saying no internet. I don't want my family and friends seeing that shit and asking me questions-"
"They shouldn't be fucking stalking me then! It's not a big deal ." Oh I was pissed now. As scared as I was, this was NOT happening on my fucking Birthday! I was expecting to get into a huge fight, but instead, he went to bed. I was a bit- no, I was fucking seriously shocked that he dropped this fight. I cleaned with such anger for most of the night. All cause his family was so damn judge mental. I still didn't get what the big deal was, Justin wasn't in the pics, they didn't know what day it was he took me, so technically, if his family were to ask, I could just say I went by myself or with some friends. It made me think back to when it happened, begging Specter to come down to join me to be an extra in "Apocalypse Kiss ".

A few days later I wrote my experience from that day I got to be on set with DC (Voice actor of Albert Wesker for those who don't know) -
Report: Meeting DC Douglas:bulletred: I know you guys have been waiting a while to hear about my day with DC Douglas and the crew of Apocalypse Kiss. https://www.facebook.com/KissTheApocalypse Enjoy! ;)

9:35 AM-
Beep beep- beep beep -My heart hammered as I reached over to turn off the alarm on my phone, forcing myself to wake up. For today, was going to be an amazing day. I quickly got out of bed, brushing my hair back out of my face as I walked around my bed, telling my Fiance' to wake up. Turning on lights as I went, I found my way to the kitchen, retrieving my Fierce Grape Gatorade to take my Zertec-D with. Allergies kill me in this state, and the D helps ke
Oh the blast we would've had Specter if you came... Again, I had to remind myself of my age, why did I have to explain myself? My own family wouldn't even do this to me!

  How fucking stupid, he cares so much what other people think, I shouldn't of even told him about Apocalypse Kiss. Shoulda just went, everyone else thought it was a great thing to go to. What does Specter coming down here made him go and check my DA page? He acts like I fucked the guy- Hell, all he thinks is that all my guy friends are out to get me. Maybe some of them are... But, trust me Justin, if I wanted to cheat on you, I've had more than enough opportunities. You're lucky I'm loyal after the shit I let you get away with, sleeping with two girls and trying to get me a girlfriend that you could fuck while I was at work all day like that one time. Piece of shit, technically I shouldn't care, gives me a damn break from you trying to bone me all the damn time. Virgin Nerd I swear...
After cleaning, I went on my Lakota Facebook, Twitter, DA, anything to try and calm myself down. Happy Fucking Birthday to me! I wrote a few depressing statuses here and there, just completely pissed that this was happening, and not ready to face what was going to happen tomorrow. I should just give up Resident Evil... Then none of this would even happen....
I couldn't help but get back into that broken state of mind, the same thoughts from when I asked my Fiance about the whole Apocalypse Kiss ordeal that DC got me to be an extra in. One hell of a gift, I couldn't even believe it was happening, except for the messages from everyone I still had. It caused such a huge fight that I almost deleted all my Lakota stuff right then and there. But no, he agreed that I could go- only if he could take me. I agreed, and expected the worst. So I began planning right then and there, doing whatever it took to make him happy so he wouldn't act like an ass in front of those amazing people. Having sex every day for the whole week untill it happened, like a chore as Justin even said. It was even better when Justin actually met DC and thought he was gay! Of course I went along with that, so he wouldn't snap on the poor guy- especially with how surprisingly DC was acting towards me. But Roxsy and all them, if they saw how Justin really was... That would ruin me forever...
I thought back to when we first started dating, when I was living in Savannah at my moms, and he was in Philly with his family. We did long distance for about 6 months, till I decided to move up there. Though I had gotten a taste of his... sexual appetite and anger issues a few times flying up there to visit, it wasn't enough to scare me away. That, or I was just so desperate to get out of my moms house. Right after I had moved up there, I regretted it, but stayed in denial. Partly also cause I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of my friends and family, I was known for proving people wrong. So I hurt myself for years just to look happy, that meeting people over the internet wasn't bad, and could actually work. My mind was more than just split in two, but I was aware of the little voice in the back of my head. Some called it paranoia...
But there were good times, the times I tried to hold on to. The ones where we looked like the perfect couple in front of people. One was at his sisters wedding , it was magical, despite a fight the night before to hang out with our friends who were drinking all night. I was always one to hang onto the good times, because my life had enough negativity growing up. Focusing on positive is what got me so far.
Before going to bed, I found myself talking to my good friend "Projektbow" and "DarkJak337". I had remember telling Projekt before when I first got engaged that things were finally getting better. Now look at me... It was embarrassing to tell him and Jak this stuff, but I needed to vent. I had learned better from bottling shit inside years ago... Or did I? I hated telling other people my problems, I thought it was just rude and that no one would ever be able to understand, or help me for that matter....
Quickly, I wrote Specter a note on DA explaining not to leave until I was sure she could come over. "I'm coming over no matter what." Her words repeated in my head, and I feared her showing up at my place with how Justin was. Especially now, pissed about pics with a guy I had wanted to meet for years... The voice actor of Wesker, any real RE fan would die to meet him. He was famous for other movies, shows and games he was in also.
Specter... Please wait till I say it's alright... I'm begging you... At this point, I was more worried about her than I was for myself. The last thing I ever wanted was my friends to get hurt, or have to deal with drama.

April 6th, 2013-
8:37 AM- I was up pretty early, despite the fact I was up till almost 5 am the night prior. My Fiance was awake next to me, and our fight started right back up again. Going from why I wanted Specter to come down, why he didn't want her to come down, which didn't make sense. Aren't you going fishing with your dad??? The fuck does it matter!?
He explained he was done meeting people over the internet, which was complete BS. He would meet any of his Diablo friends if given the chance. He just wanted me done with Resident Evil, and possibly video games for that matter. Did I want to believe it? Of course not, but it brought up a question I had asked before in previous fights.
"Justin, you knew what you were getting into before I moved up here. You knew how much I love Resident Evil."
"I was hoping you'd grow up by now." After hearing those words, I found it hard to breathe. I felt like my lungs, all my insides were being ripped apart, especially my heart.
He lied to me... After all these years- saying he loved everything about me... Slowly he'd been trying to change me, I cannot- I cannot- I can't-
Remembering what I said is impossible at this point. The tears flooded out faster than I could even grasp, but it didn't even come close to how I was feeling inside. I gasped for air, clutching the red silk sheets as I moved away from him.
"I want to fucking leave- I can't be with someone like you- you lied to me! You love nothing about me!" I screamed, burring my head back into my Umbrella pillow, crying my broken heart out as tears flooded my pillow. After explaining how serious I was about leaving, the look in my eyes and the tone in my voice must of done it. This was the 2nd birthday of mine he ruined. I screamed, explaining I would leave right now if I wasn't so sure about my stuff getting destroyed. For every time we fought he threatened to smash my Xbox360, Laptop, anything he knew I valued. It was beyond fucked up.
How could I do this to myself... Why didn't I see it sooner... Everyone was right, everyone had been telling me from the start- Oh don't you fucking dare!
"Don't you fucking touch me! I want nothing- nothing to do with you!" I coward away from him, still trying to find the strength to breathe. Shocked blue eyes stared back into my sea green ones, surrounded by crimson, drowning...
Eventually he was able to hold me, apologize, and agree that Specter was able to come over. Why does it have to take me crying for him to do things my way... Am I really asking that much? I knew I wasn't, but didn't want to face the reality. Though reality hit the moment he explained how he really felt about me. What was there to grow up about me? Oh sorry, working full-time and going to school full-time clearly isn't fucking growing up. Oh no, not to mention trying to plan a fucking wedding that none of my family and friends can come to- you selfish prick.

After a while I was able to calm down, especially after explaining how this was a 2nd birthday he ruined. My 21st birthday right after midnight he almost didn't take no for an answer. It was shortly right after I moved up here too. Right then and there I should of left... Am I really happy? What am I doing anymore... I pushed away those thoughts, for it was too terrifying to even consider. Why? Because I came too far? Got my license, car of my dreams, a home, back in school, a great job... Is this worth it? Lakota, you're not happy-
Enough. My thoughts, again, were my own worst enemy.
Quickly on Skype, I told Specter that she and her Fiance could come over, hoping she wouldn't ask what the hell happened last night while Justin was sitting next to me. Shutting my laptop, I started cleaning again and getting ready.
"Are you going to do something about those pictures?" I nearly broke my teeth. Are we still back on this!?
"Yea, I'll make them private when I'm done." I said as calmly as possible, disappearing into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. I wasn't going to delete them, there was no reason for that. Spiteful as I may be, I know when something is too fucking stupid to be fighting about. And this, most certainly was one of them.
3 hours later Specter and her Fiance arrived, and I felt my sadness go away. Out of the car, she carried a poster with her, something she made me for my birthday! (Sorry I don't have a pic of it, but will soon) Aww Specter! You didn't have to do that, you coming here was enough! I was shocked to find out we were the same height, though people always told me I seemed taller in my pictures. Perhaps cause the way I walked around, or because my car was so tiny, who knew.
Off to Las Margaritas we went on our double date, where on the ride there Justin commented on how Specter and her Fiance definitely shop at Hot Topic. I growled for him to be nice, pushing my luck just a bit, but he was respectful. He always had something to fucking say, I just hoped he didn't say it to their face. There was your pros about dating a troll, but lately all it's been was cons...
Our lunch was nice as we talked about video games, something I brought up for I knew it would catch his attention and put him more at ease. I wanted him to like them more than anything. Embarrassing really, but at the moment, I found myself grinning at Specter. Her red mo-hawk was stunning, fitting her personality completely. Specters Fiance was incredibly sweet, making me happy for the girl seeing them together. I picked at my food as we ate, not really too keen on what I choose to get, though at the same time I was barely hungry. More so excited for our next few hours to come- which also had me on high alert.
Back at the apartment, the guys were to stay and play Mortal Kombat, something I picked up on Easter on my way back home... Other thoughts came back to me seeing the game, and I quickly found myself running down the stairs with Specter behind me. I felt like she knew my panic when I put in the game I got from that day, despite last night. Specter and I had gotten close, one of the few people I could trust anymore... My right hand Tessla, and my left hand Specter. Who am I, Ramon Salazar!?
Specter was quick to start recording our adventure before we even got in the car- Which I was well aware needed a nice bath-

To our somewhat serious role playing videos we made-
And for our serious role play video-

And some pictures we took-

When we got back to my apartment, the boys were watching Doctor Who. Christ I hate this damn show - does Dino even like this show!? They explained that they beat the game, to which we were shocked we were gone that long. Time flies when you're having fun... I can't tell if he's angry or not... Christ, just eat a damn brownie and get your high on. It was sad that the only way I could deal with him was when he was high, but that was the only time the guy was relaxed. Drunk- forget that. I didn't care how much he smoked...
A little after 5, Specter and her Fiance left, where I promised myself I'd go visit her. Even though they invited Justin along, I wanted to hang out with her for a weekend by myself. I needed my own vacation badly, I was lucky to get a day off anymore... Speaking of vacation, Tessla and her boyfriend "Chaos" were planning for me to come down in the end of July for her Birthday and MetroCon. Had this been in the works? Not really, again, I had to find the right time and way to ask my Fiance... But I was determined to go down for more reasons than anyone other than my 3 girls were aware of. Trista was the 3rd, an old room mate that was also close with me. I wanted them all to go down to Florida with me...

April 13th, 2013-
8:30PM- Justin was away for the weekend up at his mountain house with his dad. He was pissed at me for not taking off work, but I wasn't. We needed the money, and I liked having space to my damn self, bring myself out of the shell he forced me to be in so fighting wouldn't come around.
I was supposed to have a friend come over to help me with a video I wanted to do, but he had plans... Ah Specter, what shall we do on this wonderful evening? Well, to sum it up...-

Oh what a fun night, would of been better if Specter was actually here with me... I tend to stay up all night if I have the place to myself, until I pass out that is. The next day we spent on webcam after work doing this!

Literally took all night, and I even dropped my laptop at one point, which really had me in a rage. Body slamming the floor in my wolf costume, oh that weekend was a ball... Everyone I wanted to talk to, I was able to. No one up my ass bothering me, telling me what to do, bitching at me, begging for sex, nothing! This was my world, and I was slowly starting to realize just how badly I needed to stay in it. Again, help from my girls and a few other people were slowly starting to pull me further and further into the light and out of the darkness.

April 20th, 2013-
11:45 PM- Upon my Fiance being stoned as all hell and somewhat annoying, asking me to play Diablo with him or have sex, my two options anymore if I was home. Earlier he had set me off by quickly jumping over to see what I was doing on my laptop. Calling me fishy when I Xed out of my stuff. There's nothing fishy about it, I just know you don't like my Lakota stuff- ya know, the reason you met me. Remember that? Of course not, you ignorant fuck.
Oh I was pissed, yet calming down for he was back on his computer playing with his Diablo friends and forgetting about me. Back on my laptop, I stared at the screen, ready for a mission that had me torn in more ways than I could understand. A two and a half hour drive... Could probably make it in less than 2 with the Impreza... Fuck.
[...Woman! NOW!] What I was reading from a friend- Damon, was sending chills so hard I felt like I was high. Holy shit- I have to, I can't- fuck fuck fuck-
"I'm going to get some food, do you want anything?" Closing my laptop, I had my shoes and hoody on before I knew it, slinging my purse around my shoulder eager to run out the door.
Thankfully he didn't want anything, and out the door I was, running down the stairs out so fast I almost tripped, probably would of killed myself if I didn't jump the last couple of steps and land the way I did. My heart rocked within me as I neared my Audi TT ; "Tiny Tyrant", unlocking him and quickly getting in. My memory was amazing, especially with numbers. Is this really happening!?!??
The voice on the other end of the phone told me it was. Holy shit Lakota!! Damon was trying to guide me in the right direction, but my damned leash had a good hold on me, and I hated myself for it. Damon wanted to save me, and was begging me to drive down to where he was for the weekend. Few plans were in my head to get away with it, but the fear of getting caught was strong, Damon was well aware. About 10 minutes later in the Wendys parking lot, I dialed Tessla's number, shaking and breathing heavily as if I just ran a 5k.
"Tessla, am I really crazy? What should I do..." If I had an actually iphone, I would of been on Oovoo with both her and Specter for their opinion, which I already knew what that was. They all were trying to help me, but I could only help myself at this point. My first clue, was that I shouldn't of felt torn at all if what I had for my Fiance was real.
"Lakota, he treats you like fucking shit." The reason why I loved Tessla so much, is that she didn't bullshit you whatsoever. She had been my bestfriend for over 6 years, not to mention stayed with me for 2 weeks and witnessed quite a bit of my Fiance and I back in 2010... I loved this girl in more ways than some were aware of.

Though the Dear Wesker should really be Dear Haters
"I don't want to feel this way, I don't know what to do. I want to go..." I stared out into the darkness as I relaxed into my leather seat, letting go of the steering wheel, praying I was anywhere but here in this shitty town. The temptation to do that drive was killing me. I wanted it so fucking badly, more than anything I had felt in a very, very long time. Not that long, it's why you woke up to begin with.
"I feel like I'm finally awake Tess... I'm scared..." Opening up was the hardest thing for me to do, especially when you're in denial, and the ones you feel closest to are just so damn far away. Tessla was in Florida, Specter was 3 hours north of me. I already knew my answer, but I didn't want to accept it yet. My friends were trying their best to push me in the right direction without pushing me further away from the truth. I was spiteful, where when people tried to tell me to do something or convince me, I would do the opposite. I couldn't help it, I never wanted to follow anyone or ask for help- ever.
I cursed myself when I found myself back home- no, back in hell. I was living Lakota's life more than people could even realize, and that's exactly what was helping me. I felt my inner flame glow brighter as I realized this, and realized what was going to happen next. The idea terrified me-
No. It's what needs to be done. Everything happens for a reason, and this- THIS Lakota, is happening for a reason. You've come so far already...

April 21st, 2013-
12:25 PM- When I realized the time, I nearly smashed my phone into the damn wall as I jumped out of bed. Justin wasn't even awake! The plans for Damon had just went out the window, and I hated myself all the more as I rushed to my laptop in my living room. Apologizing didn't do justice for how I felt, I was a disappointment and a failure. Quickly, I emailed Damon-

[ I am SO SORRY I didn't wake up this morning!! I am so mad at myself right now you have no idea! And I'm still tired- despite my anger, I don't get it =[ I guess that's what happens when you work full-time and go to college full time =[

I will make it up to you, I promise. You have no idea how much I hate myself right now =[ I just found out my friend bought a Lotus Exige- and I'm tempted to have her drive my ass down there this minute! Though, If I took the tuned Subaru Impreza RS I'd prolly make it there faster... Though, it's rush hour on a Sunday. I can imagine the traffic I'd run into.

I am so mad, if only you heard and saw me after I got off the phone with you... =[[ ]

His reply was quick-

[ I figured that was the case! No worries! Glad it wasn't because u got in an argument, etc. ]

It's really not ok... If only you knew what I was going through... But he does- he's my friend, and I need to realize this. Fuck me... All these people telling me this- even people I never would believe to try and help me with this...
The signs were all in front of me. Would I ever accept them? It's been over 4 years, what hope was there anymore... All my friends could do was hope and wait...


April 24th, 2013-
9:03 AM- On my laptop I was outside of my next class that was to start at 11:00, Intermediate Algebra, one of my favorite classes at that. I was livid about something that had happened the night before, venting to Specter and Tessla about it in our private Chatzy. Everything lately had just destroyed me, and the gears in my head were finally turning, despite my other "shades" trying to pulling me this way and that.

"Get a place with us, we can help you Lakota." Oh the idea was electrifying, but they forgot one thing.
"How would I get out..." I felt trapped, chained down and as if there was no setting me free. You know who to call, he can help you...
My class was about to start, forcing me to get off. I was shaking from the ideas of our conversation to the point I almost vomited all over my desk. I could barely pay attention, my vision was blurred, I was light headed yet felt like gravity was pulling me into the chair. I couldn't get the ideas out of my head, but things were getting worse, and I needed to get out before it was too late. What I had to realize, and was realizing, was that there were more cons than pros in our relationship. The bad, definitely outweighed the good, and it was sickening, and down right painful to finally admit.

12:08 PM- I called Tessla on the way to work, which was right down the road from my college.
"Call him and let me know what he says. You're going to be okay."
"Yea... Alright, I'll call you back." Hanging up after turning my car off, I forced my hands to still as I searched through my contacts.
I have to do this... Each ring I heard made my anxiety worse as I stared out the window at the CVS building where I worked.
"Well hello my beautiful God daughter!" My heart exploded- Don't you dare break-

"Hello God father... I... need your help..." Talking was harder than I could ever imagine as the lump in my throat got worse. I forced back my tears as I told him everything that has been happening lately, as well as the last 4+ years. He was quiet as he listened, instead of out bursting like some may have.

"Alright... So what do you want to do?" I understood that angered tone. There was a reason why he was my Godfather, him and my dad were best friends, he was always there for my dad, and did whatever he could for me. There was no truer Godfather than mine. People respected him big time him, all over Boston... He ran businesses and was a natural born leader- like my father. Intelligent was an understatement when it came to my God Father.
"I... need to leave... " Saying it out loud to him had me choke, but I recollected myself and took a breath.
"I don't know whether to leave with him here, or maybe you can talk to him while I pack-"
"No. There is only one way we're doing this. When he's at work, we'll pack up, leave a note, and get you out of there." Well shit, I guess that is the only way. Those two together, Christ I can't even imagine. Both protective, and Justin would be a damn mess... The cops would show up- if they weren't to kill each other first. I shivered.
I agreed to the terms, realizing it truly was the only way I could do this.
"Why haven't you told me sooner?" I sighed, wiping a tear from my left eye.
"Because I just woke up." It was the truth, and I couldn't be more thankful for it.
We set the date for I was pretty sure when school was going to end. May 22nd. That, and I wanted to give my boss plenty of time to be able to find someone to replace me. There wasn't many people I worked with that could take my spot. I was the most flexible, despite now in school, and I could do pretty much everything there. The thought of leaving my work stung, but I had no choice. I had to do what was best for me, and stop worrying about other people.
[Just got off the phone with my Godfather. May 21st he'll be driving down from Boston, staying the night at the Radisson up the road from me, then will come over when Justin's at work to help me pack. I'm walking into work now, I'll call you on my way to class.] Sending the text to Tessla as I walked into work, I tried to keep myself together as I just thought back the past few hours. Today was a day where I didn't have to deal with customers, it was truck day. 4 hour spent in stocking pills and medicine throughout the pharmacy. It was perfect for what had just happened.
I really just set these plans in stone. I hope I'm doing the right thing...
Starting over was hard, but I knew it was what I had to do, for my own sanity. I couldn't get married, not to him. I kept myself together better than I had thought, even while I worked truck around my co-workers. That was the thing with me, reality never hit till it was literally right there in front of me. I dreaded the day I was to leave, for I wouldn't know if I could really handle it...
I guess we'll see.
Was I leaving him over Resident Evil? Video games? Part of me thought it was crazy, insane even. But that was partially true, in more ways than I could even begin to admit. My girls knew that story, whether I told them all of it or not. I was leaving because my whole life I refused to ever let someone change me. And here, I had been slowly letting him do that. I had every right to enjoy the things I liked, for I worked and went to school full-time. Not to mention came home and cleaned up most of the apartment. This wasn't the life I had imagined myself, and I needed to get out before I was trapped with rings and children. The thought sickened and terrified me. There had been enough fights, I was just fed up and done. The next month was going to be hell...
I need to be Lakota more than ever now if I want to get through this...