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LakotaAngel72 — You Must Endure The Darkness To See The Stars
Published: 2013-09-04 05:50:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 1722; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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April 26th, 2013-10:40 AM- You ever have one of those feelings you're waiting around for no reason? I had even told Specter and Tessla that in Chatzy, and yet I still found myself staying in my seat rather than going to check if my gut was right.
"You know there's no class today right?" I was really hoping the girl to my left wasn't talking to me, but moving my head to look at her, I felt my stomach drop.
"You're kidding right?" I tried to recognize this girl, but was unable to. I know I was recognizable, for no one had eyes like me. Then we began our real adventure in the woods behind her house- Aside from the playing around, we got some serious videos done- After returning back home and checking for ticks, to which I found two on me, causing me to freak while Specter got them off me. Specter and I were ready for some dinner at a place she loved. Wesker decided to stop by and harass Specter, where I knew what I had to do... Finishing with Wesker, ha, Specter took amazing pics of me with my car- The Italian Deli was quite delicious, for I got a Ceaser salad that was "Lakota sized" and very content with it. A small joint with very polite employees, where I humored everyone by dancing in front of the treats. Figuring out what chocolates to get was horrible with me, I wanted it all- and decided to bring Justin some home so he wouldn't be pissed about me getting home so late. It was already after 7, so I wouldn't be getting home till 11 or so. It was that much harder that I didn't want to leave, and Specter was convincing me to call out of work and stay the night. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't. I had to do everything in my power to keep my cards in place, and she understood. I was greatful that she didn't talk that much of the situation, for she knew my panic of it all. More stress wouldn't do me any good, but sometimes it was good to vent about things... April 28th, 2013- May 8th, 2013- 6:37 PM- Here in class, the teacher told us our final was next week. My friend Chris and I looked at one another with shock, we weren't ready- What!? There's a few weeks left... Shit. I was starting to hope that all my classes wouldn't give that option, but talking to my fellow classmates, I realized that was just what was going to happen. I fucked up my dates, and Justin would find out. Chris was also in the loop for what was going on, another friend who helped by talking to me after class about what was going on in my world of hell. 11:25pm- (Viewer discretion is advised.) May 16th, 2013- "Why don't you run away with your cunt Tessla." I blinked, not just shocked that he was still awake as I laid back in bed, but the fact he couldn't be more on que. Don't be mad when I do, dipshit. You couldn't be more closer to the truth! He had said this to me before, so I was used to that, but now all the sudden? Oh well, helped make me feel less guilty about what I was going to do. Your wish is my command, good things come to those who wait. May 17th, 2013- 9:45 AM- Today was going to be a good day, for I was finally getting my hair colored again. It had been over a year, and I missed having blonde and red highlights. Typing the address into my GPS, I stopped at the bank on the way when I received a text from Megan that she was running late, and asked if it was okay to just do it at her place. I had no issue, so soon enough I was at her place, which thankfully was 5 minutes right up the road from where I lived. May 18th, 2013- But tonight, Damon was going to entertain us, not I. Oh having him in here had me... Getting off with everyone, for it was about 3 AM, my messages from Damon had me smiling when I went to bed. Just a few more days... May 20th, 2013- "Yea I talked to her today-" "You completely disrespected my mom." I raised a brow to his assumption, confused as ever. May 21st, 2013- "Well goodluck." I thanked him, meaning it more than he could imagine. For I was going to need a lot of luck. "I might have to take one, I'm nervous for you." Well shit Nicole, this is why I love you. Nicole, a great boss who did whatever she could for others. I loved this woman, among everyone else we worked with in the pharmacy. Debbie was great too, her and I had some good times joking around. Times where the girl would be on the floor laughing. Even tonight, I found times to make them laugh, because that's what I liked to do. Making others happy, then and only then, I was happy. "Fucking come here and look at this." Grunting, I sat on his lap and looked at the St. Lucia website, pictures and videos of how our wedding would be. It looked gorgeous... But the fact remained- Only his family would be able to go, it was a hassle, and he was an asshole. The only way to get over fear is to face it. May 22nd, 2013-
"No, she's out sick today, there's a note on the door..." God fucking dammit! Are you even kidding me right now!?
"Glad I've been sitting here since 9 for no reason. Wonderful- thanks." The girl laughed, which I had to force a laugh back so she wouldn't be terrified if she knew how I really felt. Quickly, I explained to Specter I'd call her if Justin wouldn't mind me coming over. I was pissed at the fact I was sitting here for over an hour, cause that hour I could have been closer to her house.
Out of my college and in the parking lot I was, rushing to get to my Audi TT . I always got here early enough where I didn't have to park too far away, it was nice. Waking up at 6:30 AM every day however, was not so nice.
"Hey babe, there's no class today, so I was going to drive up to Specters house." I swallowed, hoping it wouldn't be an issue. I felt such a strong need to go to her house. Perhaps because 2 days ago I had just made concrete plans with my Godfather to leave my Fiance. I ignored the thoughts, it was the only way I'd be able to get by, to pretend nothing was going on.
"Yea go ahead I was gonna go with Rob to check out some bikes today." How amazing, stay with him all day please.
"I thought we were going to go there together?" His tone was different, and I realized he was suddenly not liking the idea of me driving the 3 hours to her house by myself.
"It's only for today, not the weekend and Dino is working so it's just going to be me and her." I kept my tone as nice as possible so he'd be flexible with me.
"Alright..." Off the phone with him I was, fear that he were to change his mind and another fight was to start. I hurried home after calling Specter and letting her know I was on my way and for her to send me her address again.
At home I was on the phone with Tessla, who was telling me to bring some things now so I'd have less to pack the day I were to leave this place. My anxiety started climbing thinking about it, but I didn't really bring anything but another set of clothes in case I were to stay the night if I didn't have work the next day. Not only that, but time was running out, I wanted to get there before 3. I nearly threw my phone when I saw Justin calling me.
"Hey." I said, packing my clothes into my Xbox 360 bag.
"If anything happens to you while driving there I'm not fixing that car. It's already broken as it is."
"Nothings going to happen, I'll drive very carefully babe." I gritted my teeth. I knew he'd do this. Mother fucker, this is exactly why I'm leaving. You can't ever be nice about something, you treat me like you're my dad for fucks sake. I was beyond pissed at the fact he'd really think I'd risk destroying my car. Whether he hated it or not, I loved it. And I was sad about the fact I already made my mind to leave it here with him. He got this car for me for Valentines day of 2010, and as much as it was mine, it wasn't. Plus, I didn't want anything of his-
Enough. Hurry up, Specter is waiting.
Out the door I was by 12:15 PM, heading to Walgreens first to pick up a car charger and an energy drink for the ride. This would be one of the longest drives by myself, and I was already beat from waking up so early for class. I was happy to buy a car charger for my phone, for my GPS couldn't find Specters house, but my phone was able to. I was able to place my phone behind the steering wheel, where I could see the directions and my speed at the same time. Awesome.
The gas station was next, filling my car up before my adventure. I was always terrified of being stranded somewhere, especially since Specter lived 3 hours north of me, in the middle of the mountains of PA....
My adventure began, and I was already nervous of this ride taking me around sharp corners where a mac truck would of hit me had he or I been going any faster. Oh that would of been wonderful. I felt like I was in a game of Forza and Road Rash, going up and down hills, around turns, I was certain I'd be sick after this drive. Imagine driving back. Most people wouldn't consider doing this, for what, I'd have only a couple of hours with her? I needed to see her, I couldn't explain it, even to myself. But I just had to. She was the closest support I had, it helped we thought very much alike.
Over an hour in I lost the radio, which I was thankful for my CDs. Silent Hill, to Bass Hunter, to random mixes I made years ago were all I needed. I could drive across the country as long as I had music. The drive was beautiful though, hardly no one on the road, even on the highway as I passed the country side. Farms, mountains, it was all just beautiful. I used to live in places like this up in the Western part of Mass, and I missed it. Nature was beautiful, peaceful, helping me with my thoughts.
Around 3:30 PM was about 5-10 minutes away. I had to piss like a race horse, and I was starving beyond belief. Stopping at a stop sign, a guy in the passenger seat going by in front of me motioned me to pull over. I don't know why I did, I didn't even bring my gun with me. Why? I had my permit to carry, but I figured I didn't need it, for some strange reason. I did however bring one of my knives. The two guys pulled over to which I stopped next to them instead of pulling over myself, making my passenger window go down.
"Love your car! I'm getting an Audi TT myself in a few days- really, great job keeping it clean!" I thanked the guy, amused as ever and drove off. Sorry pal, I got important places to be. As if I liked talking to strangers... right, yea, no thanks. That was just asking for trouble. I was well aware I was a danger magnet, and it sucked. I learned it ran in the family , starting with my grandmother. It was rather annoying.
Pulling up to Specters house, I nearly fell out of the car. My legs felt like jello, and my bladder was ready to explode. She laughed at my arrival, commenting how her one brother Mikey will go crazy over my car. I was proud of the fact that the 3 and a half hours it took to get here, I only used a quarter tank of gas. Oh Christ how I wish I could take you with me... My Tiny Tyrant... Ugh.
Despite the energy drinks and pseudophed I've consumed during the day, I was exhausted from the drive, a headache getting worse, but I wouldn't let that ruin my time with Specter. She had a lovely home, which looked like a log cabin. Setting down my bag in her room, it was weird to be on the other side of the computer screen from webcam and youtube videos. Like how I had my apartment, her room was amazing, covered in posters mixed of video games, anime, and bands. Her and I together were... Chaos, needless to say.
Our day began with us taking a picture together to post on twitter that I had made it. A few people faved it right away, for they were waiting. Nathan, one of the few guys who knew of the situation asked if it happened already, to which I had told him it didn't. Nathan, the guy who I helped tried getting DC Douglas on the Walking Dead. We still didn't give up that task, I didn't anyways. Nathan knew cause the one day at school I vented to him about Justin when he saw one of my statuses. Nathan gave his most honest opinion, to which I was most greatful for, and felt even better having to talk to him about it. Sometimes, it was just easier talking to someone you barely knew. Nathan was most certainly going places, I was happy for that man. Such a great guy.
Bring it Umbrella Chronicles!- 
Then we were off to our dinner date. The ride there was certainly interesting...- How to Save Money When You're Living Paycheck to Paycheck
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I was pissed when she told me what Justin said to Dino after her and I left on my Birthday to get videos and pics with my car.
"Alright, let's play this fucking game." WHAT!? That embarrassing asshole!
"He said that?!? How do you act like that in front of someone!? Someone you just met!?" It was a good thing I was tired, for I would of went off about it right then and there. Specter and I talked some more of me leaving, that I could stay there with her, get a job , etc. It was peaceful here, and I loved being with Specter... But I had already made my plans to live with Tessla and her boyfriend. I couldn't stay up here, that close to someone who I know would come looking for me the moment he realized what I had done. Nothing was set in stone just yet, but in a sense, it already was.
My fear of seeing Specter that day was that I would have a breakdown the moment I saw her after what I had planned two days ago, but I was fine. I even let her know that, and was confused when nothing happened. Perhaps because it didn't really hit me yet. I wasn't sure, didn't really want to find out.
Leaving was heartbreaking, this place felt like home more than I could describe, especially since Specters parents were so nice and welcoming. Sunset and there were more deer out than I could count! I was starting to see why she hated deer, for they just stood and walked all over the place! One of them almost walked out in front of my car, causing my heart to stop for several seconds. Not just for the fact of hitting an innocent animal , or getting my car destroyed, or myself hurt. But the fact of Justin being up my ass about it, which wasn't a good way to be thinking- at all. But he just never let things drop, ever.
Highly annoyed with Justin calling me, I kept hitting ignore, for I was having a hard time seeing and figuring out where I was going on these dirt roads in the middle of the woods. I was waiting for monsters to come out, making my face go on milk cartons and starting a true BOW pack to come looking for me. How interesting that would be.
Specter was calling now, and I answered, wondering what the hell was going on. I had already figured it before she told me though, Justin contacted her on Skype to ask if I had left yet, so I had to call him back so he'd chill the fuck out. What was the rush? Oh, right, I was gone all day... Rolling my eyes, I hung up, continuing my drive as I wondered how a male could act like such a damn girl. He acted like we didn't even live together, and I wondered how I put up with this for over 4 years. I'm sorry, but I'm a person who likes their damn space. When you live together... you have to miss each other at some point, otherwise it ain't going to work. I don't like that clingy shit, no thanks.
The moon guided me home it felt like on this gorgeous night, making it home just before midnight. Upon entering in my apartment, I showed Justin the treats I got him, my way of keeping him calm even though he noticed the time. I was quick to get in the shower, for finding two ticks on me earlier had me freaked out. I called Specter to let her know I made it home safely, sad hearing her voice wishing I was there still. Soon enough...
In the shower, a tick fell out of my hair, and had me almost falling in the tub as I spazzed. Justin ran in wondering what I was bitching about, to which he commented that it was indeed a tick. Two more ticks fell out of my hair as I washed it, feeling my heart rock my body. It had to of been the longest shower in history as I washed my hair 3 times, ready to shave it if one more tick were to fall out.
"No more being dumb in the woods with your weird friend." Oh fuck off Justin, you asshole.
"I'm never going in the woods again after this shit." I fought the urge to defend Specter, but I learned that defending people started a fight with him quickly, the jealous asshole that he was.
Out of the shower I changed into my guitar hero PJ bottoms and Halo 3 T-Shirt, ready for bed-
"Want to have sex?" Oh no, had to of seen this coming. I stopped a growl from escaping my throat.
"Not really... I'm really exhausted babe..."
"What, are you Asexual now too?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? Oh I could kill him!-
"Wow Justin, that's mean- I'm just tired after my long day-"
"No, fuck you, cunt. Go hang out with your cunt friends." He stormed passed me back out into the living room, and I stood frozen in the hallway. I can't believe he stooped that low! All because I don't want to have sex?! Part of me wish I never told him that about her, but the last thing I needed was him worrying that she was a lesbian and going to steal me from him. He thought that about girls, some of which didn't, some of which actually did threaten that they were going to steal me from him. Part of me wish they did, I lived in hell, and needed to be kidnapped.
In bed now, I reminded myself of how long I had left, and all the support I actually had. It was the only thing that would get me by, for the next month would be hell.
4:05 PM- "Hey Nicole, wanna come outside with me?"
"Oh god, what's wrong?" She laughed, but I did in fact, have something very wrong I needed to talk to my boss about. Normally you would give your two weeks at two weeks, but I was about to give my boss a month to find someone to replace me.
Leaving the pharmacy, she took out a cigarette as she walked me to my car and I explained everything to her. She was already aware of when Justin had me in a bad mood, and mostly everyone there knew that I hated being bugged for sex by him. Most of them thought I was crazy and had something wrong with me. I couldn't blame them for not really understanding, hell most girls my age should be having wild crazy sex. But no, that's not all I wanted in a relationship like he wanted. I just wanted to be me, and accepted and loved for being me.
"Is it really that bad?" I nodded, dreading the fact I was going to be going home right after this to him. It was the fact that he was a controlling asshole too, one that most girls wouldn't have been able to put up with for an hour let alone 4 years.
"I'm going to miss you." I swallowed the lump in my throat as I registered that.
"I'm going to miss you more Nicole, really." We hugged, and I felt a bit better now that she knew. I could never bring myself to leaving a job last minute again like I had years ago, running away from home to another state when I had a crisis to deal with. That had always haunted me too. My boss had about a month to find someone to replace me, for I was pretty flexible despite school, and could fill in every spot needed. Not to mention quick, where my ADHD came in handy when working in a busy Pharmacy. Talking to her about it was hitting me, and I left before I let the tears come out.
No tears. I called Tessla to help distract me and let her know that I just told my boss. Upon entering the apartment, I cleaned, and did homework. Anything I could do to distract myself, but I was already in the Lakota mindset. Or rather, the mindset of where everything was okay and the fact I was going to leave was just a dream. Was I delusional? Soon I'd find out, though I had people all over telling me I wasn't. Especially with my newest friend "Damon" I quickly let into my circle of trust trying to help me out. I would of thought that was a dream too had he not been talking to Specter and Tessla right along with me. It was easier to think like Lakota with this going on, Tessla and Specter were quick to understand that and didn't question it, for it was helping me more and more.
How is any of this really happening...
4:30 PM- Today was my sisters 35th birthday, and I had to tell her I wouldn't be able to send her a present due to being low on cash. She understood, being always out of cash herself. Though I had more reasons now, leaving Justin I had to save all the money I could, for who knew when I'd be getting a job, or where I'd even end up. Life wasn't what you'd expect, always throwing curve balls at you...
"You're not telling your sister or mom?" Tessla asked, again on the phone with her on my way to class after my 4 hour truck shift at work. Wednesdays were the worst. Two classes in the morning starting at 8, truck, then a 3 hour night class. 15+ hour days tended to get to you- living on caffeine was bad, along with all the stress I was dealing with.
"No, I can't tell anyone else- I can't risk it, and I'm not sure they'll understand.... And I don't want to have to explain the whole situation to her. I can't involve anyone else with this." I felt horrible for the people who already knew, for I knew they were stressed out about it. I didn't want my friends worried about me, ever. I especially didn't want my mom to know, she worried beyond belief, whether she understood anything or not. I just wasn't ready to explain, but soon enough, the world would know.
11:00PM- In my car waiting for it to warm up, I called Tessla again, freaking out over the fact I just messed up the dates. I told my boss, my Godfather- what was I to do?!
"Just keep distracting him, stay busy, get more work hours." I agreed with her, it was all I could do. I was already telling his family and my family to leave me alone about the fucking wedding for I had finals coming up and I needed to study. It was mostly true, aside the fact I didn't want anyone wasting money on a wedding that wasn't happening. Fuck.
Tessla and Specter did their best to keep me calm that night up until I got home. I prayed that my other computer class the next day wouldn't have the final, at least not till next week. Shit fucking Christ, just 2 more weeks Lakota...
"When school is done, you should apply to get an IT job. With your degree in computer science..." Again- you're really trying to make me change my job again!?! This isn't happening! There was no way I could stay, either way he'd make me quit my job, just like when I worked at the other store- made me quit there until I got into the pharmacy. Nothing's ever good enough for you... is it? God damn control freak weirdo!
"Well I can't apply anywhere right now- in like 3 weeks I can apply." I glanced at his vaporizer, clearly he understood what I was talking about as he took another hit of his weed. Thank God- there was another reason for getting high! Aside from it being the only way I can tolerate your ass. Just barely.
"Fine, but in 3 weeks you're getting another job. Not making fucking minimum wage at..." I rolled my eyes as I walked away to sit on the couch, waiting for him to get high and chill the fuck out. He didn't know what minimum wage was, even though we fought about it countless times. All because I didn't make as much or more money than him, that's what it was considered. Sorry, not everyone can work for their daddy and not have to worry about anything, ever. Oh how pissed I was about that, despite the fact I knew working for his dad was pretty stressful. If only he had to run around and work like I did, deal with countless costumers in a pharmacy, most of which didn't know how their own insurance worked! Don't forget the crackheads now Lakota, your favorite.
He didn't have to work for much in his life, lived with his parents for free up until he moved out to get a place with me on St. Patricks day of 09'. He was 23 and I was 20. I had to start paying rent no matter where I lived once I hit 18, being with my sister or parents. Yet, he still treated me like I didn't know what real work was, or how to live in the real world.
He's going to get a taste. Don't give up. To understand the darkness of others you must know your own. Not that I believed I really had any except for bringing truth out of lies and being extremely patient... Patient in getting my revenge when I thought it was necessary. Yes, my darkness is revenge. Karma...
Nightfall- Laying in bed finally after a long day, I sat on my couch in front of my laptop after finishing a nice bowl a spaghetti with more hot sauce than I planned putting in. Regardless, delicious-
"Are we going to have sex? We haven't had sex in like 4 days." The fuck? Are we counting now?! Even so, I knew the more days that went by, the worse he would get. Especially since he was out of weed for the time being. Fuck.
"Give me a few, I just ate." Always picking the worst times... I just want to fucking sleep. I dreaded the next hour or however long it would take, who knew how many times he played with himself waiting for me. Hopefully he didn't at all so this could just be quick to get over with. It was sad, and for a while I truly did believe I was Asexual. Up until about over month ago....
Quick to be on top of him, the only position I could tolerate because it hurt. Any other way he'd move my legs this way and that, I couldn't stand it. Oh now he wants me to be a frog? What the hell, just get on with it- God this hurts, I gotta move- GAH!
"Owe what the fuck!" I flew off him then, almost crashing through the glass table behind me had I not caught myself.
"I told you I didn't want to do it-"
"No, fuck you cunt, you just bent my dick!" I what? Such a drama queen!! I hope I fucking broke it and you never get a damn erection again, you sex addict piece of shit. You never care that I hurt, bastard. I tried to catch my breath on the floor, hurt and in more disbelief by the way he threw me off him like that, he could of seriously hurt me. What. The. FUCK!
Later in the night, I found myself in the bathroom on my Droid in our private chatzy, telling the girls what had happened. I was furious and terrified at the same time. It seemed that the closer it got to me leaving, the worse things got. I feared the next week, absolutely feared it. At the moment, no one was in there, and I was sad. Alone and sad, and had to remind myself I would be okay soon.
I'm never having sex again... I'm going to be single the rest of my life cause of him... I can't let him do this to me... Not all guys were bad. I had Damon, and other guy friends like him yet... not like him that reminded me.
About an hour later, I was in bed. Justin bitched about me hurting him, yet he wanted to try having sex again. REALLY?!?!?!?!?
"I'm really tired and I have work and school tomorrow, I need to sleep." Translation: Go fuck yourself.
"Can you at least blow me or something? I can't sleep." Fucking uigehbfidbiweur737jefh!!!!!@#$#@#$ I felt like my hand was going to break it was in such a tight fist as I stared up at the dark ceiling. The fact that he relied on a blow job or sex to sleep was just beyond me. He was the most selfish mother fucker, a smart guy with things, yet he believed something so stupid as that. It was all in his head, why couldn't he just get that and admit he was addicted to sex?
"When school is done... I don't care what you say, this coming summer, you're getting off your birth control. I'm sick of your shitty hormones." My heart stopped. Holy shit!! Jesus- I'm so glad I'm leaving- keep making it easier on me you dipshit.
I said nothing the rest of the night, terrified had I not made the plans to leave. I could never risk getting pregnant, that was one thing I was more terrified of for more reasons than most people were aware of. One being that he didn't want our kids growing up to video games- which I still couldn't believe given the fact we met through Counter Strike: Source. Once he told me that I was scared to have kids. Another being I was too young and didn't want to be more strapped down than I already was.
I need to get as many hours at work as possible before leaving. Fuck you no birth control, you think I'm that stupid. It's not the birth control... It's you dumbass. Again, I thought most of it was. Until I woke up.
About an hour later, Justin claimed he couldn't breathe and I had to get his inhaler for him. He cursed at me, blaming it was my fault cause he was "pent up". Your logic is so damn unreal. After giving him his inhaler, back in the bathroom I was, to update the girls about what he said earlier and to see if any of them responded.
Damon responded- Holy shit I forgot he comes in here!!! I was beyond embarrassed for he saw the sex drama I wrote about earlier. He was concerned about my safety though, as were the girls. It brought back to a memory of last week when he called me as I was driving home. Talking to him on the phone helped me believe all of this was actually real and not in my head. There's my heart... Why does my heart even do that?! Calm down dammit!
"Lakota, has he ever... hit you?" I felt the air go out of my lungs from Damons question, and was glad more than ever I was parked now a few parking lots over from my apartment. I was very careful with this whole ordeal, paranoia really came in handy.
"No. But we've had our fights..." I explained that scenario, for it was one I could never forget.
-Another fight had Justin up my ass one night, and the problem with him was, he wanted to get it all out. Where as I, when I'm mad, you leave me alone, period. I like to think and clear my head before I were to say something I'd regret. Most people understood that about me, Justin, however, did not. Idiot.
So he would get in my face, grab my face and force me to look at him. The moment he were to touch me, is the moment I was to break. It happened every time, he just couldn't grasp that- that I needed time to discuss whatever issue was at hand. So I would push him away, tell him not to touch me, even yell at him, for he'd scream in my face. Calling me every name in the book; "Fat cunt, bitch, faggot, whore.." etc. You'd wondered how I'd not snap after so much of this.
To the bedroom I ran, trying to lock the door behind me, but he was quick to unscrew and get the doorknob off, eventually into the bedroom he was. I could never get away, and we would wrestle, where he'd tell me to calm down?! I'm simply trying to get away, what's wrong with you!? I would scream from the locks he'd put me in, and he'd only yell at me. Times like those, I could honestly say I wanted nothing more than death for putting myself into this type relationship. I was already in hell, I just wanted to disappear.
Soon enough, the door bell rang; "You better hope that's not the cops or your ass is going to jail." My mouth dropped as he took off for the door, and I checked myself for marks- anything to help show I really wasn't crazy. It was Justins cousin Johnny though, and he made him go outside to talk to him. Apparently while we wrestled, he called and somehow the phone hit the accept button, so he heard it all. He was my proof, though there were times before Johnny had witnessed Justin be a complete asshole to me and countless other people.
Damon was rather quiet as I explained this to him, but he seemed to understand. He reassured me I was doing the right thing by leaving, and it would all be over soon. Sadly, I had to get off the phone with him, where I wanted nothing more than to be in his safe arms. I knew that feeling, and I needed it. Having it before helped, and hopefully soon enough I'd be back there. Why do you have to be so far away... It was amazing what a simple hug could do to someone- to me especially. I quickly erase my recent calls. I memorized his number, along with Tesslas in case I ever needed them and I didn't have my phone...
Back to the present, I wrote back to them all in Chatzy, trying not to have a breakdown in the bathroom as I typed away on my phone. They all reminded me I only had about a week left. Though to me it felt like a century.
Please, one of you guys, just kidnap me... I don't know if I can last...
But the good thing was coming to me. I could only hope.
3 hours later, my hair was red with blonde highlights- and shorter! I loved it, especially for the fact I was leaving in a few days.
Change how you look before making an escape so it's harder to find you... You'll never find me Umbrella.
He was the Umbrella Corporation more than people were aware. Well, aside from those on the inside that were trying to save me. Again, I was Lakota more than people could believe. Who knew my story would happen in real life? This isn't the first time... Probably won't be the last.... That thought had me grinning- had my girls happy yet worried.
12:30AM- Saturdays were nice, for work closed at 6, and I could catch up on school- even though it was over. I still had projects that I had to hand in my one teacher was giving me credit for. That, and talking to my girls on the side. Justin was trying to get shit going with the wedding, so far as pulling it closer from October 2014, to July of 2014. Fuck that! Ugh, just forget about the wedding for a few more days please... It was beyond annoying. His mom kept asking me the dates for having my family come up for the engagement party we were supposed to have sometime in August, his sister kept asking me ideas for the wedding. NO ONE in his family listened to a damn word I said. I hated how he had 3 sisters, for I believed it was part of the reason why Justin was the way he was. He acted like a spoiled brat, and his family was too damn obsessive about the wedding cause they had nothing better to do. Other than the fact they couldn't believe their asshole brother was really getting married, for being an asshole and for saying he wasn't religious or ever wanted to get married. I couldn't blame them, but I was furious that it was all the talked about when they saw me or him. Even more so now.
In the bedroom with my laptop I was, for the girls and I had a plan with Damon. Our Oovoo days were helping me get by, such as the time we found out an enemy of ours copied us hardcore with Final Fantasy VIII, a game we knew she couldn't have ever played in her life-
"There's my heart!" Specter and Tessla laughed, to which Damons laughter followed as he started knowing the quote. The girls knew the joke behind that saying of mine. It was true, lately I hadn't felt my heart except on certain occasions. I thought every time I did I would end up in the damn ER. Damon went into his last weekend at an event he was at, and the few drinks he was in made him all the more entertaining. The guy was a trip, I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. But him telling us of his eventful weekend had us getting to know him better. The girls loved him just as much as I did- though he and I knew each other just a bit differently... It was hard to explain, but I felt like I could tell the guy anything. He pretty much knew everything about me at this point. He respected me in such a way, all my BOW girls were shocked by it. Especially I.
I was also on high alert for Justin to try to come in the bedroom to see what I was up to. But thankfully, he was too busy playing his own games with his friends. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong, but he wanted me all to himself, and if he knew I was webcaming with the girls he hated and a guy... Oh, hell would surely be raised.
"Now how did you guys all meet?" Damon asked, and we quickly got into that scenario. I met Tessla years ago due to her dating a guy I dated a month prior, then meeting Specter on DeviantArt over a year ago. His next question about them meeting Justin had me floored, the look in his eyes and his seriousness about it. He truly was concerned. I felt a protective, real guy friend feeling over whelm me, despite my deliriousness from lack of sleep, I was happy talking to all of them. And glad more than ever we were all getting along.
This is what I love... If only we could all be in a room together. Oh, the hell we'd raise. No one could handle us, even Damon had said that, it was amusing. Spending those hours on Oovoo with them, made me feel so much better, and gave me just that much more strength for Wednesday. They were true friends, I honestly couldn't ask for better ones.
"You have to look for the patterns..." Damon went on about my relationship with Justin, to which I became very quiet- still even. It was hard for me to talk about the matter, especially being home with Justin in the next room. He cares... Damon was my hope anymore, the light to show me that all guys weren't assholes like Justin. I already knew that, but sometimes, I was terrified and shattered because of that monster. Again, the fights we got into...
5:20 PM- The keys fitting into the lock had me get off everything quickly, saying goodbye to Specter and Tessla on webcam. I moved to the other computer where I played Diablo 3 on. I stood up to greet Justin with a hug, to which he just stood there about 2 feet away from me- angry. What now?
"So my mom has been trying to get this wedding together-"
"Fucking listen to me." I blinked, holding my breath.
"What? No I didn't, I just told her when I'm done school and talk to my mom and sister again with the dates-"
"You're done school. My parents, have done everything to help us with the wedding. Your mom, has done nothing but get in the way." Did I just really fucking hear that?! The urge to punch Justin in the face was stronger than any anger I had felt over the last week. How could someone say such a thing? My mom, despite some shit in the past, I loved her and felt a stronger bond with her, especially since she got rid of her breast cancer a few months ago. Not to mention my father died of Leukemia back in 2007. Sorry, my parents aren't rich like yours, sorry they didn't spoil me growing up. I fought myself from saying what was on my mind as he stared me down.
"You're going to call my mom right fucking now and apologize." Just do it, 2 more days and your gone. Fuck him, let them spend all the money they want, you warned them plenty of times, not their fault they didn't listen.
Grabbing my phone, I called his mom and apologized, even though she didn't even sound that upset. Justin was just being an asshole, and wanted me hooked to him by law. I wasn't an idiot, though I may of acted like it, I did a lot of things on purpose so people wouldn't really know how I thought inside. Actress? Yes, I believe I was a great one after this dreadful month, and other times prior to even that.
"I don't care what you have to do, you're getting off for that funeral." Another statement that blew my mind as I stared at him in disbelief. Cool it Lakota.
"Justin, I just can't take off work- Karen took off for vacation and Jaime just had her baby. I can't just request off, I'm all they have!" It wasn't really a lie, but the fact that he had a funeral on the day I was supposed to be leaving was about to fuck up my whole plan. I couldn't let it, my Godfather made me promise I wouldn't mess up the dates. That was the other part that went bad about last week, the funeral that got planned on the day I was leaving.
Somehow, I'd had to pack quickly and hope he wouldn't come home during this mission. I wasn't sure I was ready for this. Me leaving on the day of the funeral would look worse, though I had this planned far before the death of some family member he barely knew.
Two days. I can do this. I can do this...
...Can't I...?
10:13 PM- Locking up the pharmacy, I walked up with my boss Nicole and co-worker Debbie to the front of the store. I couldn't help myself but look around one last time, knowing it was my last day here. The girls knew that too, which was most likely the reason why they were so quiet.
"Fiiiinallyyy." John yelled at us, sarcasm was great with him being gay. One of my favorite managers that worked up front, oh I was going to miss this man. I loved gay people, they were all so damn happy- why couldn't everyone be gay?
"Nah ah! You're leaving?!" John was catching flies at this point as I gave him a brief of why and when.
Out in the employee parking lot we stood in our triangle as the girls took out their cancer sticks. Nicole handed me a card and told me to let her know when I opened it. I thanked her, feeling the lump in my throat rise.
"I'm starting to wish I stole a Xanax for tomorrow." I joked, though with how my heart was feeling, I kinda wasn't.
Hugging the girls goodbye, they wished me luck and I promised I'd let them know I was okay as soon as everything was settled. Before the tears were to come, in my car I was, deleting my texts from Damon and ready to call Tessla.
On the drive home, I went over how my Godfather was already here at the Radisson hotel and ready for our morning mission. She was nervous, just like I was. Anything could go wrong, like him coming home early for the funeral.
"I don't know how you last so long without letting anything slip. I would of blown up by now."
"There's been a few close calls as you're aware of Tess, I just can't... It's my life. I won't- I'm stronger than that." There were plenty of things I could of let slip over my life. I had learned to be very careful with such mistakes and whatnot. But this was one of the most important things I had to do. This was going to be a movie on lifetime someday- maybe even bigger. I could only hope.
Hopefully I'll inspire someone...
Finally home, and before going inside, I opened the card my boss Nicole gave me in my car. Five twenty dollar bills laid in there, with a card that matched everything perfect about me leaving and how much she would miss me. I texted Nicole thanking her in caps as tears dropped down out of my eyes onto my hot cheeks. God dammit, if only I could take you with me. Either way I'd have to leave, and this way is better than any other way.
After a few minutes, I found myself into the apartment after fighting back more tears, where Justin was quick to show me some wedding stuff he and his family discussed earlier in the day. Go fucking figure, the night before I was going to leave.
"Really babe, I had a long day, I just want to go to bed." I was wired and sleep was probably not going to happen.
He would try to be sweet on my last night... It's like he knows... I felt my heart rate climb from the thought, and I was quick to go to bed as soon as he was done showing me the shit he and his family looked at. St. Lucia, his family was willing to pay for it, but I didn't want it. Maybe for a vacation, but my wedding dreams had always been something involving video games. Maybe getting married in an arcade- or in the Spencer Mansion- anything of the sort would be awesome. But just the fact of getting married- I didn't want to change my last name, as dumb as that was. But he wanted me to have his last name, everything was his way anymore, and I was done.
[Alright guys, I'm going to try and sleep... I'll call u both tomorrow....] Hitting send in Chatzy, I checked my Twitter one last time, thinking of a status to post.
Oh I'm facing it alright... Not like I should be... I was going to get hell for it. "You don't even have the balls to tell him you were leaving? Just pack up and leave?" Oh I knew what was coming, but my friends reassured me I was doing it the only way I could.
2:30 AM- Back in the bathroom I was. Sleep was impossible for the closer to the morning it came, the more my heart rocked my body. My anxiety was getting worse, I didn't know what to do.
[Guys, I don't know if I can do this- I'm such a low piece of shit doing this, who am I anymore? Am I doing the right thing? I'm such an asshole...] I typed in Chatzy, but no one was in there. This was the only way I could vent, the only way to release my thoughts so I wouldn't go mad. The morning was going to be hell, I feared the worse. Justin coming home early and all my plans falling apart all around me. One or both of them ending up in jail if they didn't kill each other first. Part of me just wish I didn't involve anyone, just pack up my Audi and take off.
I must endure the darkness to see the stars.... There are stars...
...Aren't there?
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Comments: 4
I have many thoughts and yet, at the same time, I think I'm speechless. I'm surprised you would expose so much of yourself, it makes me wonder how many other women go through similar situations and never speak their part? It's both impressing and disturbing how much abuse you endured.
"It looked gorgeous... But the fact remained- Only his family would be able to go, it was a hassle, and he was an asshole." You managed to sum up this whole journal with a single line, contextually it's rather elegant.
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Thanks! Sometimes I shock myself too, but I've learned that I inspire people, and have inspired more once they realized what exactly I did. I figured if people knew the details of how I did it and what it actually took of me, they would see a whole other point of view.
I couldn't be happier to be out of that relationship.
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"No more being dumb in the woods with your weird friend." Those be some WISE WORDS! HA HA HA HA!
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lol seriously! Such an asshole lol
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