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lenihanfighter — Rising Star

Published: 2003-05-22 14:07:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 173; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description Rising Star


There's a star shining
Twinkling brightly in the black sky
Quietly inviting me to go up
To leave the Earth behind

       And I rise in the air
       My white wings wrapped in the soft silky night
       The wind's playing with my hair
       And I'm surrounded by starlight

Emptiness is everywhere
Nothingness's filling the huge holes around me
But my gaze focuses on the star
The white star before me

       And I rise in the air
       My white wings wrapped in the soft silky night
       The wind's playing with my hair
       And I'm surrounded by starlight

I pass the crescent moon
Jupiter, Saturn, they mean nothing
Bright light engulfs me
And I welcome my destiny

       I've risen in the air
       My white wings were wrapped in the soft silky night
       The wind played with my hair
       As I'm surrounded by starlight
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Comments: 6

faerymagic [2004-01-30 20:37:57 +0000 UTC]

Again... this almost sounds like lyrics to a song! I love it!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

lenihanfighter In reply to faerymagic [2004-01-31 19:15:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

raitei-raizen [2003-05-23 00:46:46 +0000 UTC]

you wish for freedome dont you... very sweet. i can see the milkyway

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lenihanfighter [2003-05-22 18:00:36 +0000 UTC]

All right... A little bit cliche... I'll try to avoid that the next time. ^_^;; Once again, this is just a try-out, so I'm glad you two have come with that little point. Perhaps I can come up with something better.

Is there anything else that can be improved? *looks around questioningly* If so, please, please, please, please tell me.

And of course thank you all for simply taking a look at it! ^_^

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nemutai-kunoichi [2003-05-22 15:13:34 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm good rhythm even though I suck at writing, reading or commenting on poems... I agree with Brenda about the cliche part... not much else to say actually Oo

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madelief [2003-05-22 14:27:08 +0000 UTC]

I like it a lot ^-^
The rythm is fantastic, and I like the fact that you used a chorusline.
I'm not really a poet... but I see some clichés here and there, like "the wind playing with my hair".. it does rhyme, but it's a bit of a cliché (at least my literature teacher told me once -.-) Maybe next poem you could use some more ehm... what's the word... original/discriptive phrases ^-^

BUT I'm not really the expert... I'm only repeating what I've heard in class once. And I'm only adding this in my comment because I think you're a GREAT poet and you could make some awesome stuff ^-^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0