Comments: 24
R00-ha-ha [2012-04-13 12:19:56 +0000 UTC]
Reminds me of something I'm writing (and something I've written x) ). And just a question but - prompt #1 of prompts from /what/? I wanna try!
Anyways -
This was really cool. The letter form is always nice, and always tricky, I think. Because it's like, what kind of information are you going to put in . . . what is going to matter to the readers, who are also characters in the story . . . ?
So this is relating to that. "As soon as I was able to do any kind of work, I was sold. I was happy to get away, but prepared for the worst."
I'm a little skeptical about the amount of information you had regarding the history of Emma. It is understandable that you would have some discussion on why she thought she was the chosen one, but those sentences in particular seemed like an example of something unnecessary to write. Well, the first one is all right - but the second one, I think, could be replaced with something like "I was sold countless owners", or something. Her personal feelings about her being sold are just . . . unneeded in this sort of letter, you know? It's just getting more on a one-on-one level, I think, and this is supposed to be to countless people.
I'm also wondering what generation of people, or what class society people, or whatever she is speaking to. Right now, in this story, it seems as if these Flower-children are countless in number and indispensable to anybody - yet at the same time, the way in which she describes their lifestyles seems as if nobody would know about who they were or what they did (like they can't afford to own them, or they are from the future when this has all ceased). I think, maybe, you can change that by shifting the perspective - so instead of her trying to explain to us, the audience, she may be accusing, or deliberately pointing out to the Flower-children owners that she knows that they abuse/kill/whatever them and she knows that they know it's wrong, or something. Does that make sense?
"After all, it was no secret what could happen in those houses. Prostitution, abuse, sometimes even death… But we all had to act like it was a secret."
See, like that's what I'm talking about. I see what you did there with saying "But we all had to act like it was a secret". But it's just listing out things, which is obviously you (sorry, don't want to be mean >.<) taking the easy way. I mean, listing is fine - but it's the way in which it's executed. Because you're saying like, "Oh well it's no secret, you all know what happens. *goes on to list what happens*". So I'm saying . . . maybe you can get more personal. Get angry. Get passionate. I dunno, I guess it might be uncharacteristic. But then again, your next few sentences are pretty angry-sounding.
I'm not trying to advertise, but if you read my story From the Seventh Floor, I think you would understand. The thing with the letters to a large audience is, your character either gets too distanced from their situation, or too personal. And it's hard to put it into words after they do something ultimately life-changing, or totally devastating.
Oh, and the other thing about those sentences was - your use of "secret" two times is repetitive. Try taking out the second "secret", I think.
Also: "You would think that mere gene restructuring wouldn't hurt, but as I got bigger, it hurt more and more."
I think 'bigger' is, with her level of vocabulary and understanding, the worser word to use. Maybe 'older'?
"Okay, that's a lie."
^^That sentence is really meh to me because after saying such a huge lie, the "okay" is just too . . . nonchalant. It needs to be more dramatic! Needs more flair! Like, ellipses, or a "No, that's a lie," or something
"What the hell, I've got at least three hours before anyone comes in here."
^^While this is a nice reminder that she is sitting in a room writing a letter, it's really out of place because well, why the hell is she thinking about how much extra time she'll have to write about her love, Charles, when she hasn't even gotten to the point of her letter yet? She's been writing so much blah blah stuff about her - so why the "what the hell"? I think you could replace that with a different toned phrase. This is just an example - and would be in my style - so I dunno, just consider it, I guess.
"I've got at least three hours before anyone comes in here. It'll be plenty of time to finish this and do what needs to be done." Or something. That's not really that great, but meh. You get the point.
"I was born in a test tube in a laboratory."
^^Again with the whole 'who-is-she-writing-this-to' thing. Shouldn't they know? Maybe "I am a Flower-child", or something would be better, or more impacting.
"It's nearly sunrise now. My last one. Or my first one? That poison had more effect on me than I thought it did."
The sunrise shtuffs is nice. But my question is - why did she have poison on her lips again? She had a knife . . . And if it's because it was in case she couldn't go through with the stabbing, which I presume it is, then I believe that you owe us some more explanation, or at least clarity regarding that.
Okay, I'm done criticising I like this, it's very cool. I do like the title too. I saw someone else say it's a bit dull - and I guess that is kind of true, but 'testimony' is a word that speaks volumes. Good job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Lhyrre In reply to AuburnOleander [2012-04-03 22:36:12 +0000 UTC]
All of these are wonderful, excellent questions. Some of them will be answered in the companion piece i'm working on, and others honestly don't need to be answered. This isn't a book, per say. Also, she's not eight, they are sold to their first masters at eight... I thought I made that pretty clear. Also, I mentioned that killing the Emperor would provide the moment of weakness coupled with the complete undxpectedness of the source of the attack would create the "perfect rebellion."
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
AuburnOleander In reply to Lhyrre [2012-04-03 23:40:57 +0000 UTC]
I can't wait to read the companion piece! And you probably made it clear. I should re-read it. And, do not take this wrong, but perhaps you should expand on the reason for his death just a little more. His death should be necessary not just for a perfect rebellion, but for something else, too. It needs a little more something. The story is fantastic, so don't change the main plot or the concept, but the reason behind the assassination should pack a bit more of a powerful punch. I'm not sure if I'm articulating my thoughts correctly, so please don't be offended. Am I making any sense?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Lhyrre In reply to AuburnOleander [2012-04-04 03:30:51 +0000 UTC]
I think that death is always kind of senseless. She's not completely absolved from what she did. And the piece is her telling the story - not me. This is her last letter. She's not there to justify what she did, only make clear why SHE did it. Not why it was done, not the greater purpose - her purpose.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
AuburnOleander In reply to Lhyrre [2012-04-04 20:46:48 +0000 UTC]
That means your work is not boring!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
EPur81 [2012-03-20 16:28:11 +0000 UTC]
Very nice. The end seems a little mudled. Who found her? A human or a gen slave? Was there one or many? If there were both in the room how/why are they not killing each other as there is - it appears - an outbreak of Civil War that the assassination perpetrated. Also, you use 'burst into the room' twice in the same scene (end scene).
A way you could go is to have a gen-slave's thought pierce her mind calling her by her number and attempting to stop her (you could develop the relationship between the two as a way of broadening the story).
Much love, cuz!
Eddie
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Liedy [2012-03-20 14:55:13 +0000 UTC]
Hi, I just realized the critique form was just for members, but here goes. I hope I'm not too picky, I understand if you disagree with things I said. It's just my opinion anyway. I'll add my suggestions, from top to bottom in order.
*I'm not sure of the title, it's a bit standard and dull, and this isn't a standard nor dull piece, and to be honest if I came across the title randomly on the browsing deviation page, I probably wouldn't have clicked it, but that's me.
*The second stanza? (I don't know what it's called in your language..) opens with A thousand voices.. I would change it, because the first one already introduced the word thousand three times near the end. And it dulls down the word. I'd rather go with, Innumerable, or something.
* obedient to the last, to the man who shortly would not be among the living anymore. This sentence break the flow a little bit, as it doesn't roll naturally in my mouth. (This is being very picky) The same goes for
So that no one would ever have only one reason to live again. It's like word sometimes says: Fragment consider revising.
Exciting introduction by the way, makes me want to read more.
* No matter how much the researchers at the Genetic Manipulation Facility messed with my genes,
made me immune to this.. Immune to what, I don't understand this line
* Sometimes I wish I'd had a childhood Wish I had, or wish i'd have.
* You see, it doesn't take any effort for Flower Children to hear each other's thoughts. I bet you never saw that coming, did you? I recommend you using either of the references to the reader, but not both.
*From my earliest memories, though, I was being taught - I have been taught or They taught me. Also the structure of the sentence makes it unclear whether it is the memories that have taught her, or if she remember them (someone) teaching her.
*This doesn't really matter but: Learned no to react to pain I probably would have written I've been trained not react to pain... It seems more natural.
*Does it bite at you at all that an eight-year-old has more control over his or her emotions than you do? - a bit to direct, almost breaking the flow. However she is angry or something similar so I understand, but I'd rather let her ongoing emotions be more evident throughout the story than suddenly arising in this sentence.
*I can't tell you all the plans that have gone into this one over the years,
as they've all become fuzzy, like a legend - I don't feel like this is something she would say, at least not structered like this. I mean it's after all, a rather pointless sentence, in the great scheme of things, I would not write that personally if I had just killed the love of my life and was about to take my own life.
*You see, what I've been getting at, is ever since I was born, I was meant to die here. - I would probably not write, you see, as it is best used in a very factual context, where something prior to the You see is being involved and referred to. Her death is not hinted to, as far as I can tell, and so it breaks into the mind of the reader, when it is not really needed. The same goes for what I've been getting at. If you'd like to keep it, I would also suggest you write one or the other, as they both entail nearly the same semantics in this context, and these put together produce a very oral tone usually not found in writing.
*The I'll come back and haunt you sentence might be a bit too humorous, for someone being dead serious, and who seems to be in grave suffering, but maybe I read the character wrong.
I think you should not end the letter with "goodbye", as that is not something you write in a letter to the "world" or strangers, but rather in a suicide not to friends and families and bullies and such, if you follow.
The ending ending was good.
It was an original piece of story writing, with good length, and easily readable, and overall good work. I was not as baffled away with it as Krypson was however, as I actually missed some emotion, in the piece overall, I realize she has been trained to hold it back but it still came across as somewhat flat. There were many single sentences that did not naturally progress into the next, something I have major problems with doing myself, but when I do it I can feel how much better the text flows in my mouth.
On a side note I think it would be "cooler".. haha, if they were fighting for personhood, the right to be considered a person, which is a question within philosophy and law. Technically there can and do exist human beings, that have limited rights as they are not recognized as persons. If an alien species landed here tommorrow, the law would recognize and treat them as people, even if they are not human.
Overall an enjoyable read. And I do realize I'm not the most competent critique-dude, and so I hope you bare with me
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Lhyrre In reply to Liedy [2012-03-20 21:54:59 +0000 UTC]
... I'm going to send you all my short stories in the future. I hope you know this. Thank you SO much for the thoughtful review! I may not change everything you mentioned, as some of it is "voice" and it's not in "story" format, it's someone writing a letter, but other than that, most of your comments are valid. I've been waiting for someone to give me a review like this. Something I can USE.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Lhyrre In reply to Liedy [2012-03-22 23:11:20 +0000 UTC]
Blegh, I don't write stories about love. I write stories about plot that happen to have love in them sometimes.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Lhyrre In reply to Krypson [2012-03-19 20:52:49 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much!!! I'm glad you like it! I edited it some, as some parts seemed a little awkward when I read it again.
And I honestly didn't plan on making this more than a short story, but I seem to be getting demands from all sides to write more of it, so I think I'll write it Dracula-style - through letters and journals and such - and probably out of chronological order, if at all.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1