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Lii-chan — .Untitled.
Published: 2007-05-10 18:41:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 621; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 3
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I feel so smallStuffed somewhere in between the poppies;
The sea of a fresh bloody hue that is so dear to my heart.
The stucco clings to my elbows,
Gripping me with layers of faded fingerprints
Of those whom I will never know.
Paper thin crimson stains tear at my ankles,
Black pupils batting their eyelashes up at me
As I stare back in wonder.
Retired stones lend me their secrets;
Cold and seductive, beckoning me further:
The rough throat of ancient passageways.
This place cannot explain itself
Its narrator has long since been mute.
And now I am here,
Scarcely able to breathe.
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Comments: 16
I can relate in some ways... yet not spectacular. 
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Oh that's where that quote comes from!
Yeah.
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I feel so small
Stuffed somewhere in between the poppies;
The sea of a fresh bloody hue that is so dear to my heart.
Second line is gold.
The third: blood is typically such a negative image; do you want that effect? I love "blood...heart" especially as this poem describes a place you love and hold dear, but I'd suggest some more development to play up a literal/life-blood meaning instead.
The stucco clings to my elbows,
Gripping me with layers of faded fingerprints
Of those whom I will never know.
Yesss, especially since we normally grip it if anything. I love inversions like that.
Third line seems somewhat wordy; it could probably be trimmed down without losing anything in your message or meaning.
Paper thin crimson stains tear at my ankles,
Black pupils batting their eyelashes up at me
As I stare back in wonder.
This stanza confuses me. How did we go from the crimson to black? The 'crimson stains tear' makes it seem an injury, so I tried to make the black into a bruise or something but it doesn't quiiite fit. A little help here -- and some more development to clarify things if I'm not just being particularly dense tonight.
"stare..in wonder": 'stare' is a pretty boring word; if you're staring, you're not doing anything. That said, I think it may actually work here. "stare..in wonder" is a pretty overused phrase, however. Be careful of that.
Retired stones lend me their secrets;
Cold and seductive, beckoning me further:
The rough throat of ancient passageways.
I love the use of "lend" for secrets. It plays with my mind.
The throat image keeps making me want to find a connection between it and the ankle/pupils/eyelashes above. We have so much body imagery that I want it to be a theme and related -- and I'm not sure I'm seeing how it is.
This place cannot explain itself
Its narrator has long since been mute.
And now I am here,
Scarcely able to breathe.
Yes. I love the connections here. Though explain seems pretty academic and bleh. You might keep it stronger with a rephrasing.
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Wow wow wow. Thanks for the thorough crit! Okay... here we go:
Third stanza is about poppies. The center of them is black, and I used a "boring" word because poppies are pretty idle flowers, if you think about it, really. Either way, it was clear to me, but if it wasn't to you, then I maybe I need to rework this.
I wish I had developed the body imagery into a connecting theme... but I didn't.
Anyways, thanks so much for all of your helpful and kind comments
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like the people 'upstairs', good imagery.
The flow is fantastic.
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Thank you so much! I don't do a ton of poetry, but I'm glad this one came out
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Wonderfully written drawing the read into the image of words.
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The imagery in this is amazing and it's such an intense poem....it draws me in 
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Thank you! I really appreciate it <3
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Wow the imageryy you put forth is amazing...I actually want to go to Italy now. And the pace and rhythm of it is very beautiful. very good job
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Thank you! Italy is VERY beautiful
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