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Lilafly — A Failure
Published: 2015-02-09 21:43:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 960; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 6
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This is for Elesette . It might explain the situation more clearly since I am bad at words.Quite sad how this is the first artwork I finished with my new tablet, actually should have been something happy.
So yeah, this is a real story, my story. It does not only explain the dilemma situation I am in now currently, but maybe also a bunch of other situations I have found myself in in the last few years.
The sketches are horrible, I know, but it was just quickly scribbled.
EDIT I dunno if it was that clear, but the situation with the bullies, ripping apart my drawings, is a true story that happened in the past. But it is just a small fragment of what those people did otherwise. Someone who has never been bullied will probably never be able to understand what a hell I had to go through. But please just believe me when I say that is really WAS hell.
The situation changed in summer 2012 when I transfered to another school. In the past few years since then I have worked on lowering my walls, to let people be able to approach me again and to not turn into a numb stone whenever I talk to others. I am still int he process of learning what other people can do perfect since their 10th year of living. I cannot do that, but society does not care about those handicaps. So called "broken adults" do not exist in society's norm, so I wear a mask to not show it. But I'm still very vulnerable. My brain sets itself on auto-pilot when it recognizes a situation similar to what happened in the 6 years of bullying (2006-2012). I hear voices in my head that taunt me, I see how I once again am rated as being nothing but junk, at being a nobody, not worth anything. I to not consciously but sub-consciously think that AUTOMATICALLY and I cannot prevent it. I was taking therapy about it but nothing worked and I still try to silence those voices and to be normal.
I really wish that this pain would not be real. That I would just be a whiny little bitch who is trying to get attention or pity. But the reality is different. I do not want pity, I do not want attention, I want to bring the sad truth across. Which is that I am broken. I forgot how to see, I forgot how to feel, I forgot how to keep apart good and evil. I am too broken to be able to tell clear differences and I am absolutely terrified by the "evil" side of people. I see everyone as such spontaniously, in fear to be disappointed, to be thrown down.
This is a psychical problem I just can grow out of with age, because it leaves scars that will forever and ever stay. I will never be able to forget it and I probably will never be able to recover fully from it, because I really went through hell, you have no idea.
So please, respect my pain and hardship. I am a mature person and I grew up with my mind a lot in the last years, I can accept denial, I can accept my work to not be approved by some people. But I cannot take to be pushed into a corner by many, no matter their intentions. It terrifies me to no end and I do not see why this is a laughing matter in any way. You just do not laugh about real pain unless you're an asshole.
These sketches here may not look very "serious" because I suck at drawing humans and they were drawn quickly but the most important part is the message I try to give here. Because all of this really happened and I fell. I fell and made mistakes. Horrible mistakes and I am deeply sorry for making them. I do not place the blame on anyone but the bullies who made my life to hell back at my old school. So do not take this personally in any way! I just desperately try to express myself correctly. To show people that I am not just a person who made mistakes, but a person who made mistakes because or a serious psychical damage that cannot be cured in a forseeable amount of time. It was my fault still, but I did not mean things to be this way. I do not want dispute. I do not want war. I want peace and nothing else.
And I still have next to no social skills, so I am sorry if one or two details of my moves were so wrong that I seriously offended people. I am inable to think above my own horizon in those cases and I am deeply sorry for my disability in social interaction. Any harm that was taken was not intended in any way.
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Comments: 33
This, is actually very similar to what I'm going through right now.
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I'm really sorry to hear that
Maybe those jerks were just jealous. They couldn't do the same thing, so they ripped up your drawing. I was lucky enough to have parents that would at least back me up when I get mad enough to hit a jerk with a chair. They invaded my personal space and threatened me first. That was all they needed in order to get the teachers to actually do something.
Maybe if your folks are supportive enough, they can back you up? Sure, threatening to hit someone was bad, but bullying and harassment isn't good either. Especially if it was not one, but several cowards antagonizing you.
Anyway, good luck to you on the situation. You are an amazing artist, and you have my support.
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Ich verstehe absolut, wie du dich fühlst. Ich wurde auch einige Jahre gemobbt und alles, was meine Eltern dazu zu sagen hatten war: "Ignorier sie, dann hören sie irgendwann auf, weils ihnen langweilig wird." Und NEIN. Ignorieren is wohl das dümmste, was man machen kann. Das spornt sie nur an, dann wird alles nur schlimmer. Meine Eltern hätten da eingreifen müssen, mich auf ne andere Schule schicken statt ner 11-jährigen zu sagen, sie solle so stark, sein, wies nichmal viele Erwachsene können und es ignorieren. Ja, derzeit bin ich sehr wütend auf meine Eltern, warum sie das zugelassen haben und nix dagegen getan haben. Als ich angefangen hab mich in den ganzen Tag in meinem Zimmer einzuschließen, wochenlang die Schule zu schwänzen, hätten die doch mal mit mir reden müssen und mich vielleicht zu nem Psychologen schicken. Grrrr....aber gut, es geht hier nich um mich.
Als das mit dem Mobbing bei mir aufgehört hat, dachte ich, es is alles normal, es geht weiter wies vor dem Mobbing war...
Aber nix wars. Umso weiter das Mobbing zurücklag, desto mehr wurde mir klar, dass ich total besessen davon war, dass alle Menschen auf dieser Welt mich hassen, denken ich wäre dumm und hässlich. Vor fünf Jahren is das Mobbing langsam abgeflaut, da waren dann Leute da, die mich zumindest akzeptiert haben (neben den Mobbern) und als ich dann nach der Rea auf ne andere Schule gewechselt bin wars fast vorbei. Da hatte ich dann sogar für ein halbes Jahr ne Freundin (bis sie von der Schule gegangen is, weils ihr nich so getaugt hat) und dann hab ich nen anderen Typen kennen gelernt, der auch ein richtig guter Kumpel wurde und noch heute ein guter Freund is.
Als ich angefangen hab zu studieren (2011) und von daheim ausgezogen bin, hatte ich Riesenangst vor meinen neuen Mitbewohnern. Ich wollte nich alleine wohnen, aber hatte Angst vor allen anderen Leuten da. Mein erster Kontakt war dann auch mit einem, der gerade erkältet war. Ich sollte bei dem Geld fürs Internet abgeben, klopfte bei ihm und er meinte: "Häh? Gib schon her, welches Zimmer?...Ok, ich schreibs auf, Tschüss." Und hat mir die Tür vor der Nase zugehauen. Das war ein Schock. Er mochte mich schon nicht, bevor er mich überhaupt kannte. Hatte mich damals natürlich total in meiner Meinung bestätigt, dass mich alle hassen. Hatte sich dann aber herausgestellt, dass er eigentlich ein richtig cooler Typ is und er wurde mein bester Kumpel (bis er ausgezogen is...trotzdem haben wir noch Kontakt 
Meine Kommilitonen waren eigentlich voll nett. Manchmal haben wir natürlich auch Witze auf Kosten eines anderen gemacht und als ich mal das Ziel dieser Witze war, dachte ich auch, dass die alle nur so tun und mich eigentlich gar nicht mögen, bis se dann zwei Tage später nen anderen als Ziel hatten und ich da auch mitgelacht hab und gemerkt hab, dass ich und die anderen es ja au gar nich böse meinen. Das war dann einer der ersten Schritte, wo ich gemerkt hab, dass irgendwas nich stimmt. Hab dann versucht aufzuhören Leute anzufahren, wenn die irgendwie was machen, wo ich dachte, sie machen das, weil se mich hassen.
Aber das sin Sachen, die man einfach von Mobbing mitnimmt. Diese Paranoia und Aggression. Diese Mauer um sich herum, die niemand einreisen kann, wenn er nich wirklich sehr penetrant is und es immer und immer wieder versucht. Mein Freund war zum Glück so einer. Es hat ein dreiviertel Jahr gedauert, bis ich ihm von all dem erzählen konnte. Und nochmal 2 Jahre, bis ich offen mit allen anderen darüber reden konnte. Es gibt bisher nur noch eine Sache, über die ich noch nicht reden kann. Aber wer weiß... Vllt eines Tages kann ich das und dann hab ichs geschafft drüber hinweg zu kommen.
Mein Freund hat mir wahnsinnig geholfen. Er wurde selbst gemobbt - zwar nach seiner eigenen Aussage deutlich weniger schlimm wie ich - und hat mir beigebracht selbstbewusst zu sein. Ich kann jetzt alleine einkaufen gehen. Ich trau mich in der Öffentlichkeit rumzuhüpfen und auch meine Pferdeohren aufzusetzen. Is mir doch wurscht. Wenn die dann über mich reden müssen is ihr eigenes Leben wohl zu langweilig und sie sollten mir Leid tun.
Du solltest den Dingen Zeit lassen. Mit Wille schafft man wirklich viel.
Du hast auch viele Leute auf dA, die dich schätzen. So wie ich das mitbekommen habe, hast du hier mehr Freundinnen als ich auf dA und im RL zusammen 
Du wirst nicht alles von einen auf den nächsten Tag vergessen. Du wirst dich später immer noch daran erinnern, aber mit der Zeit wirst du es schaffen drüber hinweg zu kommen. Ich hab denen von damals auch noch nicht verziehen und wenn sich die Gelegenheit bietet ihnen ans Bein zu pinkeln werde ich diese nutzen. Allerdings werden sich viele davon nicht daran erinnern, was sie dir angetan haben. Eine frühere Freundin, die irgendwann angefangen hat mitzumobben, weil ihr ne andere eingeredet hat, sie wäre beliebter ohne mich (was ihr anscheinend wichtiger war als die Freundschaft zu mir) hat mich vor einem halben Jahr angeschrieben und wir haben auch über das geredet und sie konnte sich daran gar nicht mehr erinnern. Dass sie so gemein war, dass sie mich einfach im Stich gelassen hat. Und so wird es den anderen auch gehen. Vermutlich denken sie gar nicht mehr dran, haben dich schon längst vergessen. Und dieses Gefühl ist nochmal wie ein Tritt in die Magengegend.
Die haben deine Schulzeit ruiniert, also lass ihnen nicht auch noch dein weiteres Leben ruinieren. Du kannst mit dem guten Gewissen leben, dass du niemandem das Leben zur Hölle gemacht, aber die werden sich irgendwann dem stellen müssen. Sei es beim nächsten Klassentreffen, oder irgendwann, wenn diese Erinnerung in ihnen hochkommt mit der Einsicht, was sie damit angestellt haben. Vllt wenn sie selber Kinder haben, die gemobbt werden? Auf jeden Fall möchte ich dann nicht mit denen tauschen.
Also denk daran: Du bist besser als die. 
Vielleicht hab ich jetzt totalen Quatsch erzählt und du wolltest gar nicht darauf hinaus 
Eigentlich geht es mir nur darum, dass du dich nicht stressen sollst und weißt, dass du damit nicht alleine bist. Es dauert seine Zeit drüber hinweg zu kommen, aber irgendwann merkst du, wo das Mobbing Spuren hinterlassen hat und wo du wieder an dir arbeiten kannst
Nur nicht aufgeben und immer weiter. Kopf hoch, jeder leidet da erstmal drunter, aber mit guten Freunden an der Seite kannst du damit fertig werden. Und wir sind alle für dich da.
Derzeit ist es doch besser, oder? Ist es wieder zurück?
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Awww hun I'm sorry that happened to you ;; I hope all gets better for you!
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Seriously? SERIOUSLY. grow. up. grow a skin. i dont mean to sound mean but theres always people out there who arent gonna give you everything you want, thats part of life.
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I did not mean to say that I am a baby and this also is not the intend I show here. It is meant to say that I am psychically broken with what has happened to me, and it is not like the situation I showed was the only one that occured. it was 6 constant years of bullying with sometimes even worse things than this. being followed home and also getting beat up at some points. I am not trying to be a baby about it, I try to forget it and move on. But when something left such deep psychical scars on you, you are not just able to "grow up" as some would say. I usually try to stay above those things, to swallow my fears, but that does not let them disappear.
I do not know if you ever had a psychological problem like this, but from my experience I can say that those scars I speak of are hard to just oversee when you step into a situation similar to the original ones. You cannot escape what your brain is projecting to you and it sometimes even turns off your sanity. But what is sanity? I am broken by what happened to me and there is no way to just "fix" this. It's like telling a person with depression to just stop being sad and be happy again. It's just not possible and in no way that easy, even though the psychical stuff I'm dealing with is not as uncurable and destructive as a depression is. It will take me years to "grow up" from it and to "move on".
life is hard and unfair, I know that better than you'd think and I do not want to present myself as the perfect person or as someone who never makes mistakes or something like that. no, that was not my intend. It's just the literal inability to face others when I am alone. I can cope with denial, but not when I know that to solve the situation I must put myself in the position where I technically could be pushed into a corner (which is meant as a metapher of course) then I am inable to do anything. This is rather the problem than the thing of dealing with denial. That, like I said "I cannot keep devils and angels apart" then and shield myself as sort of self protection AUTOMATICALLY.
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You sound a lot like one of them.
Look, I'm sure that in ways that I can't understand, your life sucks. I'm sure that you have voices in your head that tell you unpleasant things about yourself.
But that does not mean that you have the right to belittle someone else's feelings that you can't understand. You don't live in her head, you can't understand her thought process, and you cannot tell her that what she feels is stupid or pathetic, because then you become one of the bullies that has tormented her. Nobody wants to be a bully. Trust me, I know.
So, be nice, try to be sympathetic, and, if you can't, then don't say anything. It doesn't help anybody when you are hurtful, especially you.
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thanks a lot for the support! ;u;
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so allow me to put this into perspective for you
Imagine in your head that, to you, nobody likes anything you put -EVERYTHING- into
they all just laugh and insult you
you feel lonely/depressed
Telling someone to grow up isn't really the best thing in these situations :\
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It helped me. Since nobody else told me, I had to tell myself to grow up and grow a thicker skin.
In fact, my art never got better while people told me it was good. Only when people ripped it apart and attacked it, then I started to grow, mentally, emotionally, and artistically. At some points, people stop insulting you, and instead you have to substitute outsider critique with your own. Attacking yourself is the best way to find your weak points and build up a defense. Certain people don't adapt and instead let it keep them down, but if you open your mind and lose the over-sensitivity and emotional melodrama, you can better yourself. If you want to be better, than praise is the least helpful. It makes you feel better, but it doesn't make you get better. That's simply how it is.
I thanked people who insulted me, because without that I would've stayed a 'child' and never gotten over myself.
-Being alone is amazing for growth. You attain a sense of independence and learn to stand on your own two feet, even if the world is on your back. Starting out early as a child has made me more mature than most.
-I never want to get up in the morning and I have no sense of hope, desire, want, or passion. Depression was simply a nuisance I learned to deal with. It's nothing more than background noise now.
-When I try my hardest on things, I usually never get a single comment. This tells me I need to work harder to catch people's attention.
Without these parts of my daily life I'd never progress at all. Maybe I'm just part of a few, but bullying, hatred, critique, isolation, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc... they all helped me.
I'm not saying everybody needs it thrown in their face, but it is the best advice. It's what needs to happen. You can sugar-coat it, you can butter it up, maybe even soften the blow, but it's the cold hard truth. That's just how it is.
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I thought so, too, a while ago, until I realised, that it's totally stupid to think like that.
Of course, they made you "stronger" in some kind, but is it worth it? You would have grown without them. They tortured you and now you just pretend it was good they did so, but it wasn't. I'm sure somewhere deep into you, you can still feel the pain they've cause you.
If you don't then you are a person, who can handle such things more easily, than other do.
The most people can't be strong. It's hard to be when you already are weakened by all people around you.
So maybe it helped you, but Lilafly (and most others) are a totally different type.
E.g. for me, it's only helpful to say "Be strong" since it's over. Because in the end, it really made me stronger, but the scars it left, are even worse than the strength I got from it. So I would totally trade, if I could.
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It's really not that bad, actually. I'm happier now than I ever was before.
Originally, I was a spineless, pitiful, emotional wreck who couldn't even take a harsh look, let alone harsh words. I had no spine and even the smallest amount of pressure got to me. I still have remnants of that pitiful child inside of me. I'm still purging them, but with time, I'll be able to withstand most everything. Adapt and survive on an emotional level, if you prefer.
You get tired of being a failure, so you simply turn your perspective around. Pain is not something you can avoid, but how you deal with it is a learned behavior and can be adapted.
It was never easy. Nobody said it was and that's the cold hard truth. It's not pleasant, but the temporary struggle leads to a lifetime of gain.
Growing a thicker skin is as vague and ambiguous as most things. It's simply a cruder way of saying 'learn to cope'.
People do it in their own ways, but it's really all held together under the same category.
Not to mention human willpower is a force to be reckoned with. You can see it's more extreme impacts in the placebo and nocebo effects. It's really quite astonishing what can happen if you just believe in it.
I would never trade back. I love each and every one of my scars. They're my trophies. I got through it and it barely fazes me anymore... that's something to celebrate.
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I'm glad you are happier now, I am as well, but it still haunts me from time to time.
Is it over by now for you, or are you still regularly in such situations? I think this also influences your feelings about all all of it.
Of course you have to grow a thicker skin someday, but I think there's a level of situations where you are just to sensitive (so growing thicker skin will help) and situations people thread you like shit and humiliate you in any way you can imagine. And this second situations are those you can't just ignore or avoid by growing a thicker skin. You have to talk about it and get some help. But of course, those two levels of bullying differ from person to person. Lilafly tries to talk about it on deviantart (might not be the best idea, because face-to-face-conversation is much more effective, I think, but at least she tries) and thus just needs a little support.
Yes, that's right. I also think if someone actually WANTS something, he/she can reach this goal in only believing in it.
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It is a constant. It's pretty easy to find people who can insult you on the internet, and when I lack them doing it, I do it to myself simply to keep up the rate of progression. People started to lose things to say about me because I would simply adapt to compensate for my lacking skills and flaws. Though even then you can always find other people who just attack you simply to feel better about themselves, so that's always nice to come across.
It was in a state of utter emotional distress and weakness that I simply flipped the switch. I told myself to stop crying, and after a minute or two, I did. I forced my heart to let go and put my mind to better things. When you are at your lowest, you can feel like nothing would make things better... but in that moment, if you defeat the lie of being helpless and powerless. You find the strength to conquer your weaknesses and turn the tables. It's actually best to do it at your lowest. The lower you are when you do it, the better the result and the wider the range of tolerance.
I will add this small note. Talking about your problems is not always the best choice. I'll leave that part open to interpretation, but... be wary of sharing certain info.
Lilafly can probably get support here, but that won't do her much good in the long run. She'll have to figure how to cope on her own eventually. Temporarily, it could make things easier on her, but it won't aid her in artistic growth as much as other methods.
I can understand your point of view, and I respect it... though I cannot agree with it. I see no point in conversing further, as neither of us is fully right or wrong. You are correct from a certain perspective, and another perspective, I am too. Depending on which end result you desire, both are correct, and incorrect in their own versions.
I am unsure how to get this across, but I am content with how this has played out, and I wish Lilafly and you luck. I feel we understand one another.
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just to make it clear for once: I love it when people critique my work and tell me my flaws because all these comments that mark my art as perfect are not helping me to improve at all. Though I highly have something against people who deny my work without given explanation and in the end say that I will never never achieve my goal ever. The latter is what bothers me, not the criticism itself. I already grew a skin for that and also wear my own scars with some pride, but I'm at a point where just not all scars are yet healed, which makes me vulnerable in some situations. confrontation is the best solution, also when it hurts most of the time. I try to express these hurt feelings, but I do not draw or write them down to wallow in them, but to let go of them. The second use next to that is to express myself. To let people see how they or others made me feel, that I am not a constant joyful person, but that I have different faces, so that I can be regarded as a full person and not just a fragment of who I really am. That also I do have feelings.
I guess this did not come across quite clear so far
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I can see your point, but I cannot agree fully with your methods. They might work for you, though, so I guess if it helps, then enjoy.
Trust me, I never intended to peg you as anything. You're actually much better than some. It's in a simple personal opinion that I feel you can be stronger by other means, but that's simply an opinion and I'm not going to tell you what to do.
I can see where things might've gotten mixed, but I was talking in multiple perspectives, both in your regard and the wider range of others. Apologies, I sometimes forget to differentiate.
I switched between examples without clearly showing whom I was talking about. I'll try to be clearer next time.
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Talking about it is not always the best choice, I agree, but it may help you at some point
And I also agree with your next statement. Sure Lilafly won't get better at the long run and I'm sure she'll see this someday as well and try to overcome it.
You're right. I don't think there's ONE thing that helps you in such situations. It always differs from preson to person and everyone has to find the solution, that fits him/her the best.
Thank you, I wish you luck, too.
And thanks for taking the time to write those long messages. I really enjoyed our conversation and it certainly has given me another point of view.
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I'm at a loss for words, alls I can say is, if you need me to beat somebody up, just give me a call and I'll fly down to German and kick some ass for ya. 
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This is something I can definitely relate to. People can really be cruel in their actions or the "criticisms" they leave on artwork that others put a lot of time and effort into. In the long run, the only opinion you need to worry about is your own. I am my own worst critic (most of the time) when it comes to art, and, having watched you for a long time, I feel like you are the same. I know you set really high standards and expectations of yourself and the wonderful art that you produce, I think that your standards are maybe even too high.
I just dont want to see you get into a situation where you set your expectations so high, that art isnt fun for you anymore. There is nothing wrong with high expectations, as long as they are realistic. Larina, you really are a truly amazing artist, dont let someone else's opinion or rejection, impact your desire to create art, or the joy you get from it. You really are an inspiration my dear
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It's not that bad.
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listen, you can't just tell a psychically broken person that those things are "not that bad" because they are the absolute HELL for me
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There are always idiot’s like this kids they never understand how they make someone die inside. You just could make you free if you talk about it.
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I wrote something super long about how I experienced something similar and still do today, but it sounded like I was whining about my shitty life instead of trying to show support.
At this point the most you can do is hope to god that you're not going to drown
Maybe the best thing to do is disable comments on any new pictures until you feel a bit better again.
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nah, it was not about pictures, it was about something else 
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Yeah, I know
Still, disabling comments do help
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ah jetzt wird die sache etwas klarer für mich :/
und ich kenn das gefühl auch .. aber halt nicht so intensiv, wie du das fühlen wirst ... also wie du es erlebst
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Im sorry to hear! D:
I know the feeling all too well :/
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Poor you! I do not know who the hell it was who said it, but the person should go to the eye doctor. He really has a problem ... You must not care what they say. I know it can be easy to say, but really. If you want to draw horses, so you have to draw horses. If you want to draw wolves, so you have to draw wolves! Your art is amazing! You have a wonderful imagination and skillful abilities! Use them!
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I know the pain. It, unfortunately, happens too often. One could break down but simply come back up. Others, don't even wanna try anymore. I've been ridiculed about my drawings a lot at school too. I've even wanted to give up and end it all myself. But luckily, there will always be a bright side to things like that. Just know, a lot of people out there look up to you and love your art, even if it's just a scribble to you, because to others, it's magnificent. I'm only 14, so I don't know too much, but what I do know is trying to staying strong against all odds. You are who you are, and that's what makes up what you draw and I personally think that's the greatest thing ever. Just remember: "It is in our darkest moments, we must focus to see the light."
-Christine
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Oh god, I know the feeling! One time in middle school a few years ago, like back in 2010, I was very obsessed with horses and drawing them and this girl looked at my paper and said " That's not how you draw a horse." which is one of the reasons I feel very uncomfortable in posting my artwork, because of assholes like that. Anyways, I'm sorry you're feeling this way Larina, I hope you feel better!
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Just remember...
there's always someone much more awful than you coughcough ME coughcough
(lemme know if you ever need an ear, love, know that stuff can be hard :<)
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