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Description
Andy’s P.O.V.
Three Years Later
Time seemed to fly by with Austin once we got comfortable with one another. The first two years were, on a whole, pretty excellent. We spent our days together enjoying each other’s company, and our days apart often texting and talking to one another. Nothing seemed to be able to hurt us.
Until Austin’s body began deteriorating. I won’t get too into detail for fear of getting choked up, but suffice to say it was hard. Which was what led to the spontaneously-planned wedding that was arranged with only three months and less than 20,000 dollars. It was beautiful none the less. Thankfully most of the attention was on Austin, so it was easy enough for me to get some quiet, alone time prior to the festivities.
As I was left there with my thoughts, my mind once again wandered. I knew that today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I couldn’t manage to shut out the words the doctor had told me when his first lung failed. I had just landed after taking an emergency flight in from Beijing, where we had been on tour for a little under two weeks. Before they would even allow me to see him, I had to speak to a doctor. I was glad to have Alan there already, as he’d been with Austin it happened.
“Mr. Carlile has suffered from a sudden pneumothorax, or a lung collapsing. We had to sedate him for fear of him accidentally harming himself in an attempt to regain his breath. The lung, from what we’ve seen, isn’t salvageable.”
“S-So you have to take it out?” Alan asked in a shaky voice. When he replied, I clutched his hand tight. He was the only other person who really cared about Austin as much as I did, and of all people to be there with, I preferred it be him.
“Yes, we will. Of course there are the usual risks associated with removing a vital organ from someone in his condition. Coupling that with his Marfan’s is not the best odds, but he will most likely recover from the procedure. The problem we foresee is what to do should this happen again.”
“Again?” I questioned. “You mean with his working lung?”
“Yes. Of course, his right lung looks healthy for the time being, but that could change. His condition has drastically worsened in the last several months. It seems almost as if there were some form of cancer, only he has no tumors and no markers in his tests for elevated white blood cell count.
“Wait, what about transplants?” I grappled, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by how powerless I was in this situation. This didn’t seem to faze him, but his words sure caught me off guard.
“We’ve been considering that. If we were to give him another working lung and the other were to remain functional, this would give him another decade. If we were to sustain him with a transplant and his existing lung were to fail, that cuts that time in half.”
“A-And….what if you can’t give him a transplant? And his other lung collapses?” I asked, trying to hold myself together. A shadow crossed over his face that told me I had asked exactly the wrong question.
“If that situation were to arise….we could attempt a mechanical Pleurodesis, which would involve physically attaching the lung to the walls of his ribcage. But I don’t think I could give him longer than a year.”
“A year?!” Alan exclaimed. “Well why don’t you just get him one of those transplant thingies now?”
“Because Austin has a disease that has a specific effect on the tissue of the lungs, I’m afraid this would place him low on the donor list. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.”
A year was all he gave Austin if his other lung collapsed. And sure enough, 6 months after that happened, we were back in the hospital because of what happened to his right lung. They did the mechanical whatever procedure, but I could see it in Austin’s face now. Every day was a struggle for him to breathe. He was constantly carting around an oxygen tank that was once only for use at night. Now at night he needed one of those monstrous ones with the bubbler that weighs 40 pounds and sits next to the bed. It killed me when I saw the bright red scars on his chest, knowing that I couldn’t protect him from the disease he was born with. That was now ravaging his body.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until I noticed black tinged drops of water hitting the vanity. It dawned on me that those were my eyeliner soaked tears for the umpteenth time that day. Just as I was fixing my water line, I was startled by a knock. I called for them to enter, then watched Alan appear in the mirror. I had grown fond of Alan over the years in spite of the past and his attempts to break up me and Austin. His hair was mostly straight and cut to a manageable length, his suit fitting him perfectly.
“Hey.” He spoke up, though not as confident as usual. I was keenly aware of the fact that he wasn’t quite as warmed to me as I him, but regardless I was glad he’d made the effort.
“Hey.” I turned to look at him properly. “How is he?”
“Good, good. Got his suit on.”
“Is he nervous?”
“Not really. He just keeps going over his vows to make sure he gets it right.”
“Aw.” A faint smile tugged at my mouth, picturing him sat in a chair, clad in his suit and hunched over a piece of paper he continually read. “That’s sweet”
“Thought you might like that.” He gave me a reluctant smile, shoving his hands into his pocket.
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Yeah, you’re welcome. Now what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Oh, yeah.” I sighed, sitting in one of the upholstered chairs. “Come sit, this is important.”
“Alright.” He didn’t resist, lowering himself into the chair across from me. “What’s up?”
“Well first of all, I want to preface what I’m about to ask by saying thank you for coming today and being a part of this as Austin’s best man. I get that it’s not easy, but the fact that you’re here means you really do care about him, and that’s not lost on me.”
“Uh huh…” he seemed wary, and for good reason. This wasn’t exactly the most normal conversation to have with any person.
“As you know, Austin has been unwell recently. And it only seems right to say that I want us to have each other once he’s no longer with us. I don’t want either of us to feel like we’re alone.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He cleared his throat, obviously wanting to leave.
“And with that said, it only feels right that you’d be involved in what comes” I paused “after all of this is over.”
“So what, you want me to help plan the funeral?” He put it together, sounding somewhere between surprised and sarcastic.
“No, not per say. Well, maybe some parts. Oh god I’ve gone from celebrating my wedding to planning a funeral. That’s- oh god, ok. Let’s just….let me just say that I don’t want Austin’s best friend being left out in the cold once all this goes down. Ok? I’ll have your back and you’ll have mine.”
“I can live with that” he nodded after a moment. “This is just so surreal to me, y’know?”
“Trust me, I know.” I nodded and squeezed his hand. “This is weird to me too. But like I said, we’ll have each other around for help with grief.”
“I guess that’s better than nothing.” He agreed. “Well, I think I should go before either one of us starts weeping. “
“Good idea.” I agreed, releasing my grip on him. “See you out there. Make sure my boy gets to the alter in one piece.”
“Define ‘one piece.’” He smirked slightly, playing some sort of morbid joke that actually made me laugh.
“Just shut up and go do best man things.”
“Sir yes sir.” He gave me a salute and headed out, shutting the door behind him. I was silently thankful for the alone time, closing my eyes and centering myself with a few calming breaths. I didn’t want to lose my shit right before I was supposed to proclaim the love I felt for my boyfriend. Fiancé.
Another knock on the door interrupted my wandering train of thought, and thankfully I wasn’t crying this time.
“Come on in.” Was followed by the clicking open of the knob, my dad coming through.
“Wow, my boy looks sharp.” He beamed proudly at me, coming over and giving me a tight hug, like always. It was brief, followed by him pulling away and straightening my tie, like when I was five years old. “You feeling good? No cold feet?”
“No, not really. I just want to see him.” Was all I needed to say.
“C’mon bud.” My dad took my hand and squeezed it. He’d dragged out his nice suit which I hadn’t seen in at least half a decade. Its age was only made more prevalent by the slight pilling on the sleeves and tightness around his portly belly. My mother on the other had looked decent, having bought a new dress for the only wedding of her only son. Navy blue with a floral design and a jacket to go over her shoulders, the dress itself sleeveless. I took a moment and smiled at them, then proceeded after them to the ceremony. We’d decided to have the ceremony outside, having had the entire courtyard done up with flowers and the nicest chairs we could have. A lump rose in my throat as my parents linked their arms with mine on either side, the reality of the situation settling in around me.
Since neither of us was really a bride, the band played Clair de Lune in its place while making my slow march to him. By the time I rounded the corner to where everyone was standing, my heart was racing. 200 eyes settled on me, but the only person that mattered in my mind was stood at the end of the aisle. Clad in a black suit, my husband to be looked absolutely beautiful in spite of the cannula in his nose and chair he’d been sitting in for the last fifteen minutes. I couldn’t get to him fast enough, wanting nothing more than to hold him in my arms once again. I floated my way down the white walkway to him, kissing each of my parents on the cheek before standing to face him. I used my better judgment to ignore his hollowing cheeks and pale skin, instead focusing on his rich, chocolate colored eyes. I became so enthralled that I barely heard the minister when she began to speak.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the Union of Andy Biersack and Austin Carlile in matrimony.” The petite brunette read from her book. “When God sees two people, any two people, joining together in love, it makes him very happy. The love we feel here today is a good and special thing, and we thank all of you in attendance. Now, I understand the two of you have written your own vows?”
“Yes.” Austin agreed and reached into his jacket pocket, his face taking on a momentary look of terror prior to Alan tapping him on the shoulder. He turned, and the shorter man pressed a few index cards into his hand, putting him at ease. “Alright, crisis averted.” He smiled, making myself and the rest of our family and friends gathered together laugh, a welcome relief. Only once the chuckles died down did he start in, clearing his throat.
“Andy, before I knew you, part of me had given up on being able to love. I didn’t trust myself to choose who was right and I didn’t think that any such perfect people for me existed. I didn’t have any hopes of marrying someone. Until you came along.” He took a deep breath, voice quaking slightly. “When I met you, I felt sparks. We may not have said much that first time we talked, but I felt a new sense of longing and desire that had been missing from my life for such a long time. The longer we were together, the more sure I was of that feeling. All of the time we spent apart because of our careers killed me. When you’re missing your other half, you feel it. I felt it in the constant pain in my heart, metaphorically. When I would have to go to sleep without your beautifully crafted arms wrapped around me to make, swaddling me in protection, it made me long for you that much harder. Even now, while you’re standing across from me, all I want is to hold you close and not let go. Our relationship hasn’t always been perfect or fun or easy, but it’s been worth it. No matter what happens, I can say that I’ve fully and deeply known my soul mate, the person in this world I was meant to find. I love you so much Andy, and nothing could ever change that.”
By the end of it, both of us had tears streaming down our faces. His breathing was heavier than before and he looked pale, trying to keep it together. It pained me deeply to see this beautiful person struggling to stay on his feet, clearly not well. I knew I had to get through my vows quickly, not wanting to prolong any of his suffering. Alan handed him a small bottle of water, which he sipped as I pulled out my folded up sheet from a yellow legal pad, which I seemed to work best on. I took a centering breath, unable to look at Austin while I read. I knew if I did, I would be far too emotional.
“Austin, I can’t believe this is happening. I used to think there would be no way I could make that type of commitment to someone and feel as sure as I do now. When I imagine my life with you, I don’t feel shaky or nervous or scared at all. I feel absolutely content to think about the two of us being together for the rest of our lives.” I took another deep breath, hearing a few people sniffling at my words. They knew what I was thinking. “Not to mention, the fact that you’re willing to put up with me and all my little quirks and habits. I haven’t always been the best boyfriend, but being with someone is dealing with them through the good and the bad. And I don’t have to tell you that I’ve been my fair share of bad over the years.” That warranted a small wave of nervous chuckles from our audience. “But in all seriousness, I’m very happy to be standing here with you of all people. You’re my one and only and I love you more than I could even begin to articulate. You’re truly my soul mate and I will forever be grateful that I found you.”
My voice was cracking by the end of the vows, my eyes unsuccessfully blinking back tears. It was bittersweet to know that I was going to be with this man until the end of his days, and said end seemed to be encroaching on us, leaving the pair of us helpless against death’s grip. We exchanged our rings and I do’s with shaking hands and uneven voices, both of us feeling the weight of the situation.
“I now pronounce you married.” The soothing voice of the minister broke through my thoughts, drawing me back to the present and out of my mind. “You may kiss.”
Before her sentence could be punctuated, I threw my arms around Austin in a loving embrace and connected our lips, ignoring with all my might the plastic tubing rubbing just against my mouth. His own gangly arms wrapped around my waist, clinging onto me in the midst of our passionate kiss. I could tell his feeling of vulnerability had gone up tenfold since I’d seen him the afternoon before, prior to our 24 hour parting before the wedding. I didn’t want to release him either. But of course, our kiss was ended too soon so we could walk back up the aisle, hand in hand. I had a smile plastered on my face once we were ushered into the room where we were to wait until the reception area was filled in. His lips connected to mine once again, though with less urgency and more affection to them.
“Don’t you ever leave me alone like that again.” He commanded breathlessly, our foreheads pressed together.
“Not a chance” I agreed, still holding his body near. “I missed you something terrible last night. I’m not used to sleeping without your body next to mine.” And your oxygen machine, I added mentally as an afterthought.
“Your vows were beautiful.”
“So were yours darling. How did you come up with words that perfect?”
“Honest? I just imagined if I never got to see you again, and what I would want you to know.” He admitted, his hand sliding up to mine and his fingers wrapping around said appendage. Once again I swallowed against the hardened mass in my throat, trying to hold myself together for him on our most special of days.
“That’s really profound.” I told him, pecking his lips lovingly.
“Thank you.” The smile on his face told me he felt proud of himself. Before I could speak further, the door was opened by one of the wait staff, letting us know that it was time for us to head out.
“You ready to go see them all?”
“I am” he replied, taking the handle on his tank and wheeling it behind us. I still cringed internally at the memory of things being the way they were, before he was constantly attached to the machine that fed oxygen into his broken lungs. We were met by the applause of our guests, all of whom were smiling brightly. Even Austin’s dad, who’d been reluctant to accept us at first, was now smiling at the two of us. He wanted his son to be happy now more than he cared about his idiotic prejudices.
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, the buffet is open.” Announced the DJ who’d just introduced us as Mr. and Mr. Biersack Carlile. Of course we were smothered by the usual amounts of hugs and kisses from our loved ones, all of whom looked exceedingly nice. Even our bandmates looked nice dressed in black tuxedos and hard shoes. The first few hours were a blur of food and family and congratulatory messages. Even the speeches were a bit hard to pay too much attention. Alan said something really heartfelt, as did Ashley and my dad, but I couldn’t have told you specifics from each of their speeches if I tried. What did stand out to me though was our first dance.
“And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the happy couple to have their first dance as a husbands.” The MC announced, being met by the light clapping of our audience. I lifted myself off my chair and helped Austin up as well, taking our time to get to the dance floor. Only once we were there did I reach down and pick up his tank, which itself was in a backpack style carrier, making it easy for me to pull onto my shoulders and earning us a few loving ‘aw’s. There was a beat of silence, then the beginning chords to The Mortician’s Daughter. Neither of us were particularly skilled at dancing, so we just turned together in small circles while holding one another close.
“Thank you for this.” His soft voice murmured against my ear.
“For what, love?”
“Just for all of this. For giving me a big special day with the man of my dreams, even after all I’ve put you through.”
“It’s my pleasure.” I reassured him, pressing a small kiss to his neck. “And what’s happened to you isn’t your fault in the slightest.”
“Still, I feel responsible. I’m worried I’m hurting you.”
“Hey, I chose who I’m ok with hurting me. And you I’m ok with.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“I’d hope so. Otherwise this would be pretty awkward.”
“You know what I mean.” He laughed quietly, poking my side where his hand rested.
“I do. That’s why I’m ok with being hurt by you, love. You’re worth it.”
********
By the end of the evening, we were left with our closest family and friends sending us off with showers of bird seed and good wishes. We waved to them through the windows of the limousine until we couldn’t see them anymore, then rolled them up and snuggled in close. We were both exhausted, so we ended up falling asleep like that during the drive to our honeymoon spot. Around midnight, I felt the car slow to a stop, my eyes flickering open. Despite the darkness, the wooded surroundings let me know that we had arrived at our destination.
“Austin.” I gently shook him. “Austin baby.”
“Mhmm.” He grunted in his sleep, snuggling closer. “Whu?”
“Austin, sweetheart we’re here.”
“Mhmm, cabin?” he asked, voice thick with sleep.
“Yeah baby, cabin. Can you get yourself in?”
“Mmmhmm” he agreed, getting out once I opened the door. I made sure he was standing right, then grabbed our bags and tipped the driver before heading inside.
“Wow.” Austin spoke in slight awe. “It looks almost exactly the same.”
“That’s why I wanted to come here.” I wrapped my arms around his waist once the bags were placed in the bedroom. “Memories of our first trip together.”
“Good memories.” He agreed, resting his hands over mine. “And now we don’t have to worry about rushing back anywhere.”
“More time to enjoy each other.” I spoke before I could stop myself, realizing how that sounded. “Uh, I mean-“
“I get it.” He stopped, turning in my arms and meeting my gaze. Behind his usual love and affection, I could see the pain he carried. He knew how deeply this affected me, knowing that our days together were numbered. But I didn’t want him thinking about that tonight. I let my lips meet his, wanting him to feel just how much I loved him. That was all I wanted period. Our lips pressed together over and over again until he ran short of breath, having to pull away. I didn’t let go, just allowed him to center himself.
“Do you just want to rest tonight?” I asked quietly, my hand rubbing against the small of his back. He gave me a sad look, pressing our foreheads together.
“Is it bad I want to say yes?”
“No honey, not at all.” I reassured. “Do you want to clean up first? Or do you just want to get to bed?”
“I’ll shower in the morning, I really need some sleep.” His words came out quiet, eye contact breaking from mine. I felt my heart crack just a little at his reaction.
“Uh, is everything ok sweetheart?”
“Y-Yeah, it’s fine.” His head rested on my shoulder. “I’m just so tired.”
“C’mon cutie, let’s find you some pajamas.” I kissed his cheek, leading him to the bedroom and gently helping him get seated. After some minimal rooting around, I produced a pair of sweatpants, an extra-large t-shirt, and some socks to keep him warm. “Here we go baby. You need any help getting changed?”
“No thank you, I can get myself dressed. I’m a grown man.”
“O….k?” I blinked and found my own pajamas, getting changed right in front of him. I wasn’t ashamed of my body. Out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention, reminding me of something we’d both neglected. I darted to the kitchen without saying a word, only returning after pouring him a glass of water.
“Here we go.” I handed him the cup, then plucked his pill box from the suitcase and dumped out the compartment for Saturday evening. “Alright, let’s get these done.”
“Do I have to take these?” he gave me a pleading look. I tilted my head at him in curiosity.
“Well yeah, you sort of do. Why? Do you need something in your stomach to take these?”
“No, thank you.” He simply said in the same sharp tone from before, grabbing them from my hand and swallowing them with one mighty gulp of water. I knew something was off with him, but I didn’t feel like pushing him. Instead, I hooked up the large oxygen machine and handed him the other cannula.
“Alright, here-“
“Thanks.” He snapped, throwing off the one he’d been wearing all day and grabbing the evening one from my hand.
“Is something bothering you?” I asked, winding up the tubing and placing the tank in the corner of the room. “Because you know if there is, you can talk to me.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.” He laid back on the bed and hoisted the blankets up to his chest, crossing his arms. I flicked off the lights, then climbed into bed next to my new husband. When I went to cuddle him, I was only met with a shrug and a scoot.
“Alright, what the fuck?” I sat up and flipped the switch, glaring at him. “What is your problem? You’ve been acting like a jackass since we got here.”
“Gee, nice way to talk to your husband, Andrew.” He shot back, finally looking me in the eye again.
“Me!? I’ve been sweet and loving this whole time!” I could feel my frustration mounting. “You’re the one with the fucking sourpuss on your face and the shitty attitude.”
“Maybe this just wasn’t how I pictured our wedding night.” His voice broke while he interrupted me. “Did you ever stop to think of that?”
I blinked, now unsure of what to say. He went on further though.
“Maybe I wanted us to have a beautifully romantic evening.. Maybe I was hoping for champagne and rose petals on the bed and some well-deserved intimacy. But do I get that? No, because I can’t mix pills and alcohol and if I have sex my heart will probably fucking stop.” The tears streaming down his face made me feel all the more guilty for snapping at him. I hadn’t even taken into consideration that this might’ve been bothering him.
“Oh…baby I’m so sorry.” I reached over to take his hand, only to have it yanked away.
“Forget it. Our wedding night is ruined anyway, there’s no fixing it now. And it’s all my fucking fault for not just being a normal person.”
“Austin, please.” I felt the all too familiar blockage in my airways that came with tears. “Baby, I promise you this isn’t your fault at all.”
“Then how come it feels like it?” he squeaked out, hiding his face in his hands. I sniffled and pulled him close, this time not meeting resistance.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over this. Just because you’re not feeling yourself and maybe can’t do the things you used to doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“How come you agreed to marry me?” he asked past quiet sobs. I tried not to flinch, gently rocking him back and forth with his head resting on my shoulder.
“What type of question is that? I married you because I wanted to. Because you’re the only person who I’ve ever wanted to marry.”
“Even though you knew exactly what type of messed up guy you were getting yourself involved with?” he asked, seeming to have calmed a little bit.
“Just because you internal organs need a little patching here and there doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” I reassured, one of my hands brushing through his hair. “You’re more than your body. I love the person I know beneath all that.”
“Promise?” he asked, head lifting to meet my eye. I wiped his reddened nose with my shirt sleeve while speaking.
“Yes sweetheart, I promise you.”
“Can I get a kiss?” he asked after a slight sniffle.
“Of course.” I chuckled softly and pressed one to his lips, the hand in his hair moving to cup the side of his pronounced face. “I love you no matter what. Now let’s get some sleep, yeah?”
“Sure.” He smiled slightly and wiped his nose once again. I flicked off the light and snuggled up with him, arms enfolding around his shoulders so his head could rest against my chest. I didn’t speak, not wanting to patronize him or feed the insecurities he was already feeling. Instead, I rubbed his back to soothe the pain I knew he always felt. He hated talking about his being so ill, but I couldn’t ignore it while it was so plain and in my face. The moment was so quiet and so intimate that I almost jumped out of my skin when Austin’s phone rang.
“Fuck, babe could you get that for me?” Austin asked in a somewhat whiny voice.
“Yeah, sure baby.” I reached over, trying my hardest not to disturb Austin while answering his phone. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this Mr. Carlile?” an unfamiliar female voice asked.
“Uh, no this is his husband. Might I ask whose calling?”
“It seems that a pair of lungs has become available.” She told me, causing my mouth to go totally dry.
“Look, if this is some sort of prank-“
“It’s not Sir. A petition has been sent to us to move Mr. Carlile to the top of our donor list, and we now have a set of lungs waiting here for him.”
“O-Oh….o my god.”
“Honey?” he sat up. “Is everything ok?”
“Oh my god…the hospital…they want…they’ve got….” I couldn’t get my brain to work fast enough.
“What is it baby? Just tell me, please.” He begged, now sounding worried.
“They have lungs for you!” I exclaimed, almost jumping for joy.
“Oh my god, really?” he asked in stunned disbelief. I nodded gleefully and only seconds later his arms were thrown around me. Tears formed in his eyes, only making the one’s I was trying to fight that much harder.
“Hello? Hello?” the distant voice from the phone, which was still in my hand, spoke up.
“Yes, yes I’m still here!” I returned the device to my face. “Yes, please, just tell us where to go.”
“Stanford General. Can we expect to see you in the next several hours?”
“Hell yeah you can!” I laughed. “Oh my god, thank you so so much.”
“This is happening?” he asked me, voice shaking when I hung up. “This is really happening?”
“Yes baby, this is really happening. In just a few short hours you’re going to be able to breathe again. “
He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight, tears of joy streaming down his face.
****
I knew that the surgery wouldn’t make him live forever. But knowing that I would get another five to ten years with him was well worth it. I’d spent the last few months convinced his time was running out, so having this new extension on his life was an amazing relief
I didn’t need an infinite number of days with him, but knowing that he wasn’t leaving me anytime soon made it feel like forever. Lots of time to make him blush.

Description
Andy’s P.O.V.
Three Years Later
Time seemed to fly by with Austin once we got comfortable with one another. The first two years were, on a whole, pretty excellent. We spent our days together enjoying each other’s company, and our days apart often texting and talking to one another. Nothing seemed to be able to hurt us.
Until Austin’s body began deteriorating. I won’t get too into detail for fear of getting choked up, but suffice to say it was hard. Which was what led to the spontaneously-planned wedding that was arranged with only three months and less than 20,000 dollars. It was beautiful none the less. Thankfully most of the attention was on Austin, so it was easy enough for me to get some quiet, alone time prior to the festivities.
As I was left there with my thoughts, my mind once again wandered. I knew that today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I couldn’t manage to shut out the words the doctor had told me when his first lung failed. I had just landed after taking an emergency flight in from Beijing, where we had been on tour for a little under two weeks. Before they would even allow me to see him, I had to speak to a doctor. I was glad to have Alan there already, as he’d been with Austin it happened.
“Mr. Carlile has suffered from a sudden pneumothorax, or a lung collapsing. We had to sedate him for fear of him accidentally harming himself in an attempt to regain his breath. The lung, from what we’ve seen, isn’t salvageable.”
“S-So you have to take it out?” Alan asked in a shaky voice. When he replied, I clutched his hand tight. He was the only other person who really cared about Austin as much as I did, and of all people to be there with, I preferred it be him.
“Yes, we will. Of course there are the usual risks associated with removing a vital organ from someone in his condition. Coupling that with his Marfan’s is not the best odds, but he will most likely recover from the procedure. The problem we foresee is what to do should this happen again.”
“Again?” I questioned. “You mean with his working lung?”
“Yes. Of course, his right lung looks healthy for the time being, but that could change. His condition has drastically worsened in the last several months. It seems almost as if there were some form of cancer, only he has no tumors and no markers in his tests for elevated white blood cell count.
“Wait, what about transplants?” I grappled, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by how powerless I was in this situation. This didn’t seem to faze him, but his words sure caught me off guard.
“We’ve been considering that. If we were to give him another working lung and the other were to remain functional, this would give him another decade. If we were to sustain him with a transplant and his existing lung were to fail, that cuts that time in half.”
“A-And….what if you can’t give him a transplant? And his other lung collapses?” I asked, trying to hold myself together. A shadow crossed over his face that told me I had asked exactly the wrong question.
“If that situation were to arise….we could attempt a mechanical Pleurodesis, which would involve physically attaching the lung to the walls of his ribcage. But I don’t think I could give him longer than a year.”
“A year?!” Alan exclaimed. “Well why don’t you just get him one of those transplant thingies now?”
“Because Austin has a disease that has a specific effect on the tissue of the lungs, I’m afraid this would place him low on the donor list. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.”
A year was all he gave Austin if his other lung collapsed. And sure enough, 6 months after that happened, we were back in the hospital because of what happened to his right lung. They did the mechanical whatever procedure, but I could see it in Austin’s face now. Every day was a struggle for him to breathe. He was constantly carting around an oxygen tank that was once only for use at night. Now at night he needed one of those monstrous ones with the bubbler that weighs 40 pounds and sits next to the bed. It killed me when I saw the bright red scars on his chest, knowing that I couldn’t protect him from the disease he was born with. That was now ravaging his body.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until I noticed black tinged drops of water hitting the vanity. It dawned on me that those were my eyeliner soaked tears for the umpteenth time that day. Just as I was fixing my water line, I was startled by a knock. I called for them to enter, then watched Alan appear in the mirror. I had grown fond of Alan over the years in spite of the past and his attempts to break up me and Austin. His hair was mostly straight and cut to a manageable length, his suit fitting him perfectly.
“Hey.” He spoke up, though not as confident as usual. I was keenly aware of the fact that he wasn’t quite as warmed to me as I him, but regardless I was glad he’d made the effort.
“Hey.” I turned to look at him properly. “How is he?”
“Good, good. Got his suit on.”
“Is he nervous?”
“Not really. He just keeps going over his vows to make sure he gets it right.”
“Aw.” A faint smile tugged at my mouth, picturing him sat in a chair, clad in his suit and hunched over a piece of paper he continually read. “That’s sweet”
“Thought you might like that.” He gave me a reluctant smile, shoving his hands into his pocket.
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Yeah, you’re welcome. Now what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Oh, yeah.” I sighed, sitting in one of the upholstered chairs. “Come sit, this is important.”
“Alright.” He didn’t resist, lowering himself into the chair across from me. “What’s up?”
“Well first of all, I want to preface what I’m about to ask by saying thank you for coming today and being a part of this as Austin’s best man. I get that it’s not easy, but the fact that you’re here means you really do care about him, and that’s not lost on me.”
“Uh huh…” he seemed wary, and for good reason. This wasn’t exactly the most normal conversation to have with any person.
“As you know, Austin has been unwell recently. And it only seems right to say that I want us to have each other once he’s no longer with us. I don’t want either of us to feel like we’re alone.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He cleared his throat, obviously wanting to leave.
“And with that said, it only feels right that you’d be involved in what comes” I paused “after all of this is over.”
“So what, you want me to help plan the funeral?” He put it together, sounding somewhere between surprised and sarcastic.
“No, not per say. Well, maybe some parts. Oh god I’ve gone from celebrating my wedding to planning a funeral. That’s- oh god, ok. Let’s just….let me just say that I don’t want Austin’s best friend being left out in the cold once all this goes down. Ok? I’ll have your back and you’ll have mine.”
“I can live with that” he nodded after a moment. “This is just so surreal to me, y’know?”
“Trust me, I know.” I nodded and squeezed his hand. “This is weird to me too. But like I said, we’ll have each other around for help with grief.”
“I guess that’s better than nothing.” He agreed. “Well, I think I should go before either one of us starts weeping. “
“Good idea.” I agreed, releasing my grip on him. “See you out there. Make sure my boy gets to the alter in one piece.”
“Define ‘one piece.’” He smirked slightly, playing some sort of morbid joke that actually made me laugh.
“Just shut up and go do best man things.”
“Sir yes sir.” He gave me a salute and headed out, shutting the door behind him. I was silently thankful for the alone time, closing my eyes and centering myself with a few calming breaths. I didn’t want to lose my shit right before I was supposed to proclaim the love I felt for my boyfriend. Fiancé.
Another knock on the door interrupted my wandering train of thought, and thankfully I wasn’t crying this time.
“Come on in.” Was followed by the clicking open of the knob, my dad coming through.
“Wow, my boy looks sharp.” He beamed proudly at me, coming over and giving me a tight hug, like always. It was brief, followed by him pulling away and straightening my tie, like when I was five years old. “You feeling good? No cold feet?”
“No, not really. I just want to see him.” Was all I needed to say.
“C’mon bud.” My dad took my hand and squeezed it. He’d dragged out his nice suit which I hadn’t seen in at least half a decade. Its age was only made more prevalent by the slight pilling on the sleeves and tightness around his portly belly. My mother on the other had looked decent, having bought a new dress for the only wedding of her only son. Navy blue with a floral design and a jacket to go over her shoulders, the dress itself sleeveless. I took a moment and smiled at them, then proceeded after them to the ceremony. We’d decided to have the ceremony outside, having had the entire courtyard done up with flowers and the nicest chairs we could have. A lump rose in my throat as my parents linked their arms with mine on either side, the reality of the situation settling in around me.
Since neither of us was really a bride, the band played Clair de Lune in its place while making my slow march to him. By the time I rounded the corner to where everyone was standing, my heart was racing. 200 eyes settled on me, but the only person that mattered in my mind was stood at the end of the aisle. Clad in a black suit, my husband to be looked absolutely beautiful in spite of the cannula in his nose and chair he’d been sitting in for the last fifteen minutes. I couldn’t get to him fast enough, wanting nothing more than to hold him in my arms once again. I floated my way down the white walkway to him, kissing each of my parents on the cheek before standing to face him. I used my better judgment to ignore his hollowing cheeks and pale skin, instead focusing on his rich, chocolate colored eyes. I became so enthralled that I barely heard the minister when she began to speak.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the Union of Andy Biersack and Austin Carlile in matrimony.” The petite brunette read from her book. “When God sees two people, any two people, joining together in love, it makes him very happy. The love we feel here today is a good and special thing, and we thank all of you in attendance. Now, I understand the two of you have written your own vows?”
“Yes.” Austin agreed and reached into his jacket pocket, his face taking on a momentary look of terror prior to Alan tapping him on the shoulder. He turned, and the shorter man pressed a few index cards into his hand, putting him at ease. “Alright, crisis averted.” He smiled, making myself and the rest of our family and friends gathered together laugh, a welcome relief. Only once the chuckles died down did he start in, clearing his throat.
“Andy, before I knew you, part of me had given up on being able to love. I didn’t trust myself to choose who was right and I didn’t think that any such perfect people for me existed. I didn’t have any hopes of marrying someone. Until you came along.” He took a deep breath, voice quaking slightly. “When I met you, I felt sparks. We may not have said much that first time we talked, but I felt a new sense of longing and desire that had been missing from my life for such a long time. The longer we were together, the more sure I was of that feeling. All of the time we spent apart because of our careers killed me. When you’re missing your other half, you feel it. I felt it in the constant pain in my heart, metaphorically. When I would have to go to sleep without your beautifully crafted arms wrapped around me to make, swaddling me in protection, it made me long for you that much harder. Even now, while you’re standing across from me, all I want is to hold you close and not let go. Our relationship hasn’t always been perfect or fun or easy, but it’s been worth it. No matter what happens, I can say that I’ve fully and deeply known my soul mate, the person in this world I was meant to find. I love you so much Andy, and nothing could ever change that.”
By the end of it, both of us had tears streaming down our faces. His breathing was heavier than before and he looked pale, trying to keep it together. It pained me deeply to see this beautiful person struggling to stay on his feet, clearly not well. I knew I had to get through my vows quickly, not wanting to prolong any of his suffering. Alan handed him a small bottle of water, which he sipped as I pulled out my folded up sheet from a yellow legal pad, which I seemed to work best on. I took a centering breath, unable to look at Austin while I read. I knew if I did, I would be far too emotional.
“Austin, I can’t believe this is happening. I used to think there would be no way I could make that type of commitment to someone and feel as sure as I do now. When I imagine my life with you, I don’t feel shaky or nervous or scared at all. I feel absolutely content to think about the two of us being together for the rest of our lives.” I took another deep breath, hearing a few people sniffling at my words. They knew what I was thinking. “Not to mention, the fact that you’re willing to put up with me and all my little quirks and habits. I haven’t always been the best boyfriend, but being with someone is dealing with them through the good and the bad. And I don’t have to tell you that I’ve been my fair share of bad over the years.” That warranted a small wave of nervous chuckles from our audience. “But in all seriousness, I’m very happy to be standing here with you of all people. You’re my one and only and I love you more than I could even begin to articulate. You’re truly my soul mate and I will forever be grateful that I found you.”
My voice was cracking by the end of the vows, my eyes unsuccessfully blinking back tears. It was bittersweet to know that I was going to be with this man until the end of his days, and said end seemed to be encroaching on us, leaving the pair of us helpless against death’s grip. We exchanged our rings and I do’s with shaking hands and uneven voices, both of us feeling the weight of the situation.
“I now pronounce you married.” The soothing voice of the minister broke through my thoughts, drawing me back to the present and out of my mind. “You may kiss.”
Before her sentence could be punctuated, I threw my arms around Austin in a loving embrace and connected our lips, ignoring with all my might the plastic tubing rubbing just against my mouth. His own gangly arms wrapped around my waist, clinging onto me in the midst of our passionate kiss. I could tell his feeling of vulnerability had gone up tenfold since I’d seen him the afternoon before, prior to our 24 hour parting before the wedding. I didn’t want to release him either. But of course, our kiss was ended too soon so we could walk back up the aisle, hand in hand. I had a smile plastered on my face once we were ushered into the room where we were to wait until the reception area was filled in. His lips connected to mine once again, though with less urgency and more affection to them.
“Don’t you ever leave me alone like that again.” He commanded breathlessly, our foreheads pressed together.
“Not a chance” I agreed, still holding his body near. “I missed you something terrible last night. I’m not used to sleeping without your body next to mine.” And your oxygen machine, I added mentally as an afterthought.
“Your vows were beautiful.”
“So were yours darling. How did you come up with words that perfect?”
“Honest? I just imagined if I never got to see you again, and what I would want you to know.” He admitted, his hand sliding up to mine and his fingers wrapping around said appendage. Once again I swallowed against the hardened mass in my throat, trying to hold myself together for him on our most special of days.
“That’s really profound.” I told him, pecking his lips lovingly.
“Thank you.” The smile on his face told me he felt proud of himself. Before I could speak further, the door was opened by one of the wait staff, letting us know that it was time for us to head out.
“You ready to go see them all?”
“I am” he replied, taking the handle on his tank and wheeling it behind us. I still cringed internally at the memory of things being the way they were, before he was constantly attached to the machine that fed oxygen into his broken lungs. We were met by the applause of our guests, all of whom were smiling brightly. Even Austin’s dad, who’d been reluctant to accept us at first, was now smiling at the two of us. He wanted his son to be happy now more than he cared about his idiotic prejudices.
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, the buffet is open.” Announced the DJ who’d just introduced us as Mr. and Mr. Biersack Carlile. Of course we were smothered by the usual amounts of hugs and kisses from our loved ones, all of whom looked exceedingly nice. Even our bandmates looked nice dressed in black tuxedos and hard shoes. The first few hours were a blur of food and family and congratulatory messages. Even the speeches were a bit hard to pay too much attention. Alan said something really heartfelt, as did Ashley and my dad, but I couldn’t have told you specifics from each of their speeches if I tried. What did stand out to me though was our first dance.
“And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the happy couple to have their first dance as a husbands.” The MC announced, being met by the light clapping of our audience. I lifted myself off my chair and helped Austin up as well, taking our time to get to the dance floor. Only once we were there did I reach down and pick up his tank, which itself was in a backpack style carrier, making it easy for me to pull onto my shoulders and earning us a few loving ‘aw’s. There was a beat of silence, then the beginning chords to The Mortician’s Daughter. Neither of us were particularly skilled at dancing, so we just turned together in small circles while holding one another close.
“Thank you for this.” His soft voice murmured against my ear.
“For what, love?”
“Just for all of this. For giving me a big special day with the man of my dreams, even after all I’ve put you through.”
“It’s my pleasure.” I reassured him, pressing a small kiss to his neck. “And what’s happened to you isn’t your fault in the slightest.”
“Still, I feel responsible. I’m worried I’m hurting you.”
“Hey, I chose who I’m ok with hurting me. And you I’m ok with.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“I’d hope so. Otherwise this would be pretty awkward.”
“You know what I mean.” He laughed quietly, poking my side where his hand rested.
“I do. That’s why I’m ok with being hurt by you, love. You’re worth it.”
********
By the end of the evening, we were left with our closest family and friends sending us off with showers of bird seed and good wishes. We waved to them through the windows of the limousine until we couldn’t see them anymore, then rolled them up and snuggled in close. We were both exhausted, so we ended up falling asleep like that during the drive to our honeymoon spot. Around midnight, I felt the car slow to a stop, my eyes flickering open. Despite the darkness, the wooded surroundings let me know that we had arrived at our destination.
“Austin.” I gently shook him. “Austin baby.”
“Mhmm.” He grunted in his sleep, snuggling closer. “Whu?”
“Austin, sweetheart we’re here.”
“Mhmm, cabin?” he asked, voice thick with sleep.
“Yeah baby, cabin. Can you get yourself in?”
“Mmmhmm” he agreed, getting out once I opened the door. I made sure he was standing right, then grabbed our bags and tipped the driver before heading inside.
“Wow.” Austin spoke in slight awe. “It looks almost exactly the same.”
“That’s why I wanted to come here.” I wrapped my arms around his waist once the bags were placed in the bedroom. “Memories of our first trip together.”
“Good memories.” He agreed, resting his hands over mine. “And now we don’t have to worry about rushing back anywhere.”
“More time to enjoy each other.” I spoke before I could stop myself, realizing how that sounded. “Uh, I mean-“
“I get it.” He stopped, turning in my arms and meeting my gaze. Behind his usual love and affection, I could see the pain he carried. He knew how deeply this affected me, knowing that our days together were numbered. But I didn’t want him thinking about that tonight. I let my lips meet his, wanting him to feel just how much I loved him. That was all I wanted period. Our lips pressed together over and over again until he ran short of breath, having to pull away. I didn’t let go, just allowed him to center himself.
“Do you just want to rest tonight?” I asked quietly, my hand rubbing against the small of his back. He gave me a sad look, pressing our foreheads together.
“Is it bad I want to say yes?”
“No honey, not at all.” I reassured. “Do you want to clean up first? Or do you just want to get to bed?”
“I’ll shower in the morning, I really need some sleep.” His words came out quiet, eye contact breaking from mine. I felt my heart crack just a little at his reaction.
“Uh, is everything ok sweetheart?”
“Y-Yeah, it’s fine.” His head rested on my shoulder. “I’m just so tired.”
“C’mon cutie, let’s find you some pajamas.” I kissed his cheek, leading him to the bedroom and gently helping him get seated. After some minimal rooting around, I produced a pair of sweatpants, an extra-large t-shirt, and some socks to keep him warm. “Here we go baby. You need any help getting changed?”
“No thank you, I can get myself dressed. I’m a grown man.”
“O….k?” I blinked and found my own pajamas, getting changed right in front of him. I wasn’t ashamed of my body. Out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention, reminding me of something we’d both neglected. I darted to the kitchen without saying a word, only returning after pouring him a glass of water.
“Here we go.” I handed him the cup, then plucked his pill box from the suitcase and dumped out the compartment for Saturday evening. “Alright, let’s get these done.”
“Do I have to take these?” he gave me a pleading look. I tilted my head at him in curiosity.
“Well yeah, you sort of do. Why? Do you need something in your stomach to take these?”
“No, thank you.” He simply said in the same sharp tone from before, grabbing them from my hand and swallowing them with one mighty gulp of water. I knew something was off with him, but I didn’t feel like pushing him. Instead, I hooked up the large oxygen machine and handed him the other cannula.
“Alright, here-“
“Thanks.” He snapped, throwing off the one he’d been wearing all day and grabbing the evening one from my hand.
“Is something bothering you?” I asked, winding up the tubing and placing the tank in the corner of the room. “Because you know if there is, you can talk to me.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.” He laid back on the bed and hoisted the blankets up to his chest, crossing his arms. I flicked off the lights, then climbed into bed next to my new husband. When I went to cuddle him, I was only met with a shrug and a scoot.
“Alright, what the fuck?” I sat up and flipped the switch, glaring at him. “What is your problem? You’ve been acting like a jackass since we got here.”
“Gee, nice way to talk to your husband, Andrew.” He shot back, finally looking me in the eye again.
“Me!? I’ve been sweet and loving this whole time!” I could feel my frustration mounting. “You’re the one with the fucking sourpuss on your face and the shitty attitude.”
“Maybe this just wasn’t how I pictured our wedding night.” His voice broke while he interrupted me. “Did you ever stop to think of that?”
I blinked, now unsure of what to say. He went on further though.
“Maybe I wanted us to have a beautifully romantic evening.. Maybe I was hoping for champagne and rose petals on the bed and some well-deserved intimacy. But do I get that? No, because I can’t mix pills and alcohol and if I have sex my heart will probably fucking stop.” The tears streaming down his face made me feel all the more guilty for snapping at him. I hadn’t even taken into consideration that this might’ve been bothering him.
“Oh…baby I’m so sorry.” I reached over to take his hand, only to have it yanked away.
“Forget it. Our wedding night is ruined anyway, there’s no fixing it now. And it’s all my fucking fault for not just being a normal person.”
“Austin, please.” I felt the all too familiar blockage in my airways that came with tears. “Baby, I promise you this isn’t your fault at all.”
“Then how come it feels like it?” he squeaked out, hiding his face in his hands. I sniffled and pulled him close, this time not meeting resistance.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over this. Just because you’re not feeling yourself and maybe can’t do the things you used to doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“How come you agreed to marry me?” he asked past quiet sobs. I tried not to flinch, gently rocking him back and forth with his head resting on my shoulder.
“What type of question is that? I married you because I wanted to. Because you’re the only person who I’ve ever wanted to marry.”
“Even though you knew exactly what type of messed up guy you were getting yourself involved with?” he asked, seeming to have calmed a little bit.
“Just because you internal organs need a little patching here and there doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” I reassured, one of my hands brushing through his hair. “You’re more than your body. I love the person I know beneath all that.”
“Promise?” he asked, head lifting to meet my eye. I wiped his reddened nose with my shirt sleeve while speaking.
“Yes sweetheart, I promise you.”
“Can I get a kiss?” he asked after a slight sniffle.
“Of course.” I chuckled softly and pressed one to his lips, the hand in his hair moving to cup the side of his pronounced face. “I love you no matter what. Now let’s get some sleep, yeah?”
“Sure.” He smiled slightly and wiped his nose once again. I flicked off the light and snuggled up with him, arms enfolding around his shoulders so his head could rest against my chest. I didn’t speak, not wanting to patronize him or feed the insecurities he was already feeling. Instead, I rubbed his back to soothe the pain I knew he always felt. He hated talking about his being so ill, but I couldn’t ignore it while it was so plain and in my face. The moment was so quiet and so intimate that I almost jumped out of my skin when Austin’s phone rang.
“Fuck, babe could you get that for me?” Austin asked in a somewhat whiny voice.
“Yeah, sure baby.” I reached over, trying my hardest not to disturb Austin while answering his phone. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this Mr. Carlile?” an unfamiliar female voice asked.
“Uh, no this is his husband. Might I ask whose calling?”
“It seems that a pair of lungs has become available.” She told me, causing my mouth to go totally dry.
“Look, if this is some sort of prank-“
“It’s not Sir. A petition has been sent to us to move Mr. Carlile to the top of our donor list, and we now have a set of lungs waiting here for him.”
“O-Oh….o my god.”
“Honey?” he sat up. “Is everything ok?”
“Oh my god…the hospital…they want…they’ve got….” I couldn’t get my brain to work fast enough.
“What is it baby? Just tell me, please.” He begged, now sounding worried.
“They have lungs for you!” I exclaimed, almost jumping for joy.
“Oh my god, really?” he asked in stunned disbelief. I nodded gleefully and only seconds later his arms were thrown around me. Tears formed in his eyes, only making the one’s I was trying to fight that much harder.
“Hello? Hello?” the distant voice from the phone, which was still in my hand, spoke up.
“Yes, yes I’m still here!” I returned the device to my face. “Yes, please, just tell us where to go.”
“Stanford General. Can we expect to see you in the next several hours?”
“Hell yeah you can!” I laughed. “Oh my god, thank you so so much.”
“This is happening?” he asked me, voice shaking when I hung up. “This is really happening?”
“Yes baby, this is really happening. In just a few short hours you’re going to be able to breathe again. “
He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight, tears of joy streaming down his face.
****
I knew that the surgery wouldn’t make him live forever. But knowing that I would get another five to ten years with him was well worth it. I’d spent the last few months convinced his time was running out, so having this new extension on his life was an amazing relief
I didn’t need an infinite number of days with him, but knowing that he wasn’t leaving me anytime soon made it feel like forever. Lots of time to make him blush.