Comments: 76
Longdragon92 In reply to ??? [2017-01-02 17:44:59 +0000 UTC]
Sorry I've just been staring at your comment and blinking dumbly at it for a few minutes all because you said someone told you to use my story as an example of what a certain type of story should be and floored haha! I'm so glad you liked it and thank you very much for your kind words
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TGC189 In reply to Longdragon92 [2017-01-03 16:21:44 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome
I wasn't exactly told by someone. Whenever I upload/edit a story, I'm showed examples on how a certain type of story should be, and it's always fun to read them. I'm an amateur writer, but I'm not desperate to become a very good writer.
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SirenDrake [2016-12-04 04:24:45 +0000 UTC]
I think the most poignant part is how the little girl's parents might smile, but their smiles were always sad and tired.
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hopeburnsblue [2014-12-17 04:14:07 +0000 UTC]
Yikes! What eventually killed her was the desire to be free ... crazy.
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Morning-Star-42 [2014-09-24 01:57:21 +0000 UTC]
The story and the imagery used is vivid and engaging. I love the characters in the story, and the no-mercy ending that puts reality back in to the fairytale.
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Novaprime12 [2014-06-12 02:35:49 +0000 UTC]
When I read Grim in the preview I thought it was Grimm, like from RWBY. That was the reason I clicked here, and I am greatly happy to have clicked on this story. This story, is breath taking, it's like those old folk tales from Africa you're forced to read in school, only it's modern and makes sense to most modern readers. I love this story which you have created, and I shall forever remember it, and read it, it is that good. Congrats on the Daily deviation, and I hope to see more work from you. Maybe, a sequel to this story that has the girl return years later. Or maybe a alternate telling of this that has the girl not go outside. Those are just ideas that come to mind, but you can do whatever pleases you. As long as writing is something you do for enjoyment there is never any wrong idea, No?
Anyways, just remember, writing is the art of words, as long as one person understands the message, a writer's job has been completed.
From a fellow writer,
Nova
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BloodLily16 [2014-06-12 02:17:32 +0000 UTC]
Wow... This is an interesting one.
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DarkStormGTS [2014-06-12 02:09:12 +0000 UTC]
Whoa. Amazing story man, and congrats on the DD!
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IamTheRealHerobrine [2014-06-11 23:58:12 +0000 UTC]
Good story, in a strange way, but I must say one thing. At least with my experiences with Death, he is not patient. How do you think so many people cheat Death. He gets bored easily.
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LittleFireDragon In reply to IamTheRealHerobrine [2014-06-12 02:09:37 +0000 UTC]
Ah, true, but like many with short attention spans, his interest is cyclic - it comes back in the end.
And no-one has ever evaded death forever.
It's rather like an arcade video game: it's not a question of if you'll lose, but when.
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flygirlll26262 [2014-06-11 23:44:23 +0000 UTC]
Oh my god, this was beautiful and horrible in a good way. Wow, very nicely done
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MightyMorphinPower4 [2014-06-11 21:08:47 +0000 UTC]
I mean story I feel sorry for the parents
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trollingcupcake [2014-06-11 20:42:22 +0000 UTC]
Ory for mmakeing it so long ! A !, IM NEW!
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trollingcupcake [2014-06-11 20:41:24 +0000 UTC]
This had a terrible ending, I want 2 cry thinking about it! ;A; I believe there's a way 2 fix the crooked and broken in this world. Death is a spiret that searches for power, and independence. I aswell believe that even death somewhere in his crooked heart wants,happiness peace, cause he was made to have and do so. Death is soppose 2 be peaceful and a happy time. The time when u could sleep till time has come 2 wake up agin but is looking in the wrong direction!
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SakuraNights [2014-06-11 20:38:00 +0000 UTC]
This was very interesting! I love how Death was represented in this piece!
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fennecfoxlily14 [2014-06-11 19:30:00 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is good. Dark, and a bit lengthy, but otherwise a good read!
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D-elicateWings [2014-06-11 19:11:30 +0000 UTC]
((Screw Death, I'm protected by a False Angel who will stop at nothing to protect me!))
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ColonelBSacquet [2014-06-11 19:02:37 +0000 UTC]
"SIDS"
What's that ? O_o
"he would have her to make the parents pay."
But ... make them pay for what ?
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Longdragon92 In reply to ColonelBSacquet [2014-06-12 01:39:35 +0000 UTC]
SIDS is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It's where a baby suddenly stops breathing and passes away in their sleep with no explanation on why it happens.
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Kaity-789 In reply to ColonelBSacquet [2014-06-11 20:11:54 +0000 UTC]
To help answer your questions
1. SIDS = Sudden infant death syndrome.
2. The child was suppost to die in her first week of birth but didn't so death is angry about it.
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ColonelBSacquet [2014-06-11 19:01:43 +0000 UTC]
"Who are we to question why Death does anything? They are mortals and mere puppets for the amusements for us, the immortal beings."
Is that so ? Just you wait until I call a priest. I'm gonna have your spectral ass exorcised. We'll see who has fun in the end.
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TofuHui In reply to ColonelBSacquet [2014-06-12 23:37:01 +0000 UTC]
lol RED Soldier is great... He knows how to spew some really entertaining BS
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Sorrowscoldfrost [2014-06-11 17:15:05 +0000 UTC]
That was a really interesting story! I was sad that the little girl died, but I really enjoyed reading this.
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kraenieldamage [2014-06-11 17:09:37 +0000 UTC]
You know what makes this so great? It's that it's a new story, but it has that same feel that classic fairy tales have. I can see the beautiful illustrations in my head, and you had me caught up from the first line. I shall be adding this into my favorites and it's hardly surprising that this got a daily deviation.
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jLundhArt [2014-06-11 14:38:12 +0000 UTC]
Great story, like one from an old fable.
A couple of things though, you used the word "passed" in two places in the story, where it should be "past". And at the passage where the queen speaks to the Elf King she tells him that the girl will need more "coasting". I'm pretty sure that the right word would be "coaxing".
That is all.
(Maybe some others have already mentioned this, if so, I apologize for the repetition)
And again, a wonderful story.
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S-ibbi In reply to demonlight [2014-06-11 20:31:00 +0000 UTC]
wondered instead of wandered
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Sefall [2012-01-09 22:12:50 +0000 UTC]
YBTJ
Strengths
We really love the first part of this story for its “fairytale” tone and style of writing. It genuinely does read like the kind of tale you would find in Brothers Grimm. You’ve set the stage for an interesting piece, particularly with the inclusion of not only death but the Erlkonig and his wife. [ Konrad especially appreciates that part, as he is a fan of less-than-benevolent faeries like the Erlking. ] Those are exactly the kinds of instrumental players you want in a fairytale. The kind that are so universal, so larger than life, that they come right off the page and really don’t need any introduction. Folk tales aren’t really the place for loads of characterization, but rather broad strokes that give us an impression to work with. You’ve stayed true to this form, and it turned out beautifully.
We also liked that the parents were actually persistent and that the child’s death didn’t result from a mistake on their part. It serves to highlight the utter futility of their struggle, and adds to your idea that death comes for everyone no matter how they might fight it. Or, in this case, how others might fight it for them.
Weaknesses
Besides the repetition of some words, the section with the dialogue needs to be reworked. The inclusion of dialogue takes away from the folklore-ish quality you were going for. Most fairytales don’t have a lot of written-out dialogue – and sometimes none at all. You focus too heavily on the Erlkonig and his wife, where a few brief lines between them to explain his motivation would suffice. You can and should still include the scene of their dance enticing the girl outside and to her death. However, you need to keep the rather impersonal feel that you maintained in the first section of the story. Doing so would tighten up the work and give it that quality of an old story handed down in oral tradition.
In addition, there were a few places where a word was not necessarily misspelled, but misused.
The week before her birth a large black dog, The Grim, wondered the woods surrounding the village.
The week before her birth a large black dog, The Grim, wandered the woods surrounding the village.
She needs a little more coasting before she is ready to defy them.
She needs a little more coaxing before she is ready to defy them.
He watched the Elven King and Queen dance among their subjects, watched them and the three fairies coasted the child out of her sanctuary and now crept behind her as she stood staring at the death mask Erlkonig now wore.
…the three fairies coaxed the child…
Opinion
We both loved the start of this piece. However, the last half of the writing doesn’t follow through with the tone or style, and we believe that maintaining it would make it that much stronger. Doing another basic edit – perhaps reading the piece aloud – would likely help you catch the areas where you’ve repeated yourself or used the same word within the space of a sentence or two. Overall, we believe this story has a lot of promise, and with some more polishing could be even more of a pleasure to read.
Artheeria & [ Konrad ]
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Longdragon92 In reply to Sefall [2012-01-10 01:06:23 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for the feedback :3
I'm glad y'all enjoyed it and I'll go back and edit it when I have the time.
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ExquisitelyExplicit [2011-05-04 19:59:31 +0000 UTC]
Wow! But dang it, I was going to do something about Death!
Now I'll just have to think some more...
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