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All my life people have told me I’m too innocent, too naïve, too trusting. I guess those could be considered faults that could get me into a dangerous situation, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Nothing horrible has happened to me so far, anyway. In fact, I think it makes life easier. I have several close friends and many other kind acquaintances. I’ve never been in a fight, verbal or physical, unless getting yelled at by my mom counts. But I don’t speak to her any more…

I’m a very non-confrontational person, so sometimes I’d rather ignore my problems than face them. I suppose that could be bad in some people’s opinion. I just don’t like to dwell on emotional baggage. Not like my brother does. He worries me sometimes. He, unlike me, does dwell on stuff. He carries around a lot of guilt for his past mistakes. Well, he calls them mistakes. I don’t see it that way.

We talked about it once last summer. I asked him why he would get so distant and sad randomly throughout the day. Normally I can cheer him up with a kiss or a stupid joke, but occasionally he would be beyond my reach. He would stare off into space and do that thing that always lets me know he’s buried deep within his own traumatized mind. He rubs the tip of his forefinger along the edge of his thumb over and over really slowly, and his eyes go all unfocused. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he was sorry.

Sorry? I didn’t understand. Sorry for what? I love my brother, and he never does anything that makes me unhappy. Quite the opposite. He’s my number one reason for living.

He explained that he was sorry for all the mistakes he’s made, sorry for corrupting me.

I laughed at that, thinking he was joking. Corrupting me? How on earth could I be corrupt, and what could he possibly have done to mar me? He’s never been anything but loving to me. In fact, he’s very protective.

I straddled his lap where he was sitting on one of our dining room chairs and loosely looped my arms around his neck, smiling at him. He leaned back in his seat and lifted his eyes to mine, focusing on me for the first time since our conversation had started.

“What do you mean?” I asked, sliding my fingers through the soft little hairs just brushing the top of his neck. He always keeps his hair short, not like me. I like to let mine get shaggy so I can part it on the side and toss my head to keep it out of my eyes. I will admit that is one of my faults. I do like the way I look and it gives me a fairly high level of self esteem, especially when I have a brother constantly telling me how beautiful I am. So I dress a little nicer and spend a little longer in the bathroom than he does in the morning getting ready for the day, but I don’t think that makes me a terrible person. Does it?

He sighed and gave me that sad smile of his that didn’t quite reach his eyes as his hands found their way to my waist. I studied his face before he spoke. I actually think my brother is much better looking than I am, but he just shakes his head and blushes when I try to tell him how handsome he is.

“I mean this,” he answered, running his palm over my chest and then brushing his thumb softly along my lower lip. “Our… relationship.”

I gently bit the end of his thumb, keeping it trapped between my teeth as I stared back at him.

He frowned slightly in a troubled way. “I mean… you do know this isn’t… this isn’t normal, right?”

I released his thumb from my mouth and pursed my lips to the side. I hated it when he alluded to this. “Yes, Danny. I know this isn’t very socially acceptable, but love is love, right? And it’s nobody’s business but our own what we do together. And if they want to condemn us, fine. But no one can take away what we have.” I firmly threaded my fingers through his hair on either side of his head and used my leverage to pull us together for a kiss.

As always, Danny found me irresistible. He wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me tightly against his chest as he sank into the kiss I had initiated.

That was six months ago, and it’s now a bitterly cold January. Since that conversation… or rather, since that brief talk and then steamy make out session, Danny has been relatively more cheerful. I think he’s finally put most of his guilt behind him and has embraced the life we’ve built together. I know he still blames himself for ‘influencing me’, but I’m not so innocent that I’m unable to make my own decisions. I know that two brothers shouldn’t do the things we do, but I don’t care. I’d rather live with him and be happy than force myself away and be ‘normal’. Screw normal. We’re not hurting anyone.

~*~

“Chrissy?”

I heard my brother’s voice calling from the kitchen as I walked in the front door, stomping my feet to get the snow off my shoes.

“Yep,” I called, but the sound was muffled through my thick black scarf. I like wearing dark colors. I think deep navy, wine red, and charcoal gray look good contrasted with my pale hair and vivid blue eyes. That’s one feature about myself that I don’t really like that much, my eyes. They’re really large and round, framed by thicker than normal blond lashes. I guess that’s why I’m always trying to hide them behind long bangs. But Danny says their gorgeous, made for staring into while making love. Honestly. He can be such a gushy romantic sometimes. I love him.

I shook the dampness out of my hair and hung my coat and scarf up on the stand by the entrance, shivering slightly in my clingy turtleneck. Then I picked up the brown paper grocery sacks I had set on the floor and made my way to kitchen where my brother was cooking dinner. He was still wearing his office clothes, a pale sage green shirt tucked into drab khaki slacks, but he’d taken off his tie and unbuttoned his collar as well as rolled back his sleeves. Even though we look almost exactly alike, Danny prefers softer pastels, and I can’t deny they look good on him. Actually, they look downright sexy. At that moment he looked thoroughly jumpable as I set the bags on the counter and smiled at him.

“Hey.”

He looked up and met my eyes, glancing up from the pot of stew he was stirring. “Hey you.” He leaned over the produce I was unpacking and gave me a soft, lingering kiss. Then he let out a little gust of breath, blowing my bangs out of my eyes as he smiled. “How did it go at the bookstore? You don’t appear to have any riveting new tomes with you.”

I shrugged and resumed my unpacking, opening cabinets and putting things away. “Eh, I didn’t buy any. They were all too expensive and I don’t need them anyway. I sold back all the ones I bought last semester for less than a fourth of what they cost me in the first place, and I didn’t even crack the spines. So why bother again this year?”

“Good point.” Danny crossed his free arm over his chest as he returned his focus back to the deliciously simmering stew. “Was the grocery store crowded?”

“Not too bad.” I put the milk in the refrigerator and then began helping my brother finish preparing our supper. We talked about my upcoming semester. I was about to start my second term of college and I wasn’t too psyched about it. I mean, I get okay grades and I don’t skip class, but I’d always rather be doing something else. I hope I can make it through all four years like Danny did. He’s gotten a couple raises at work so we live a little better than we did a few years ago. We moved into a bigger apartment and bought decent second hand furniture, but we still had to be frugal with our spending most of the time. I wouldn’t be anywhere else, though. Wherever my brother is, that’s where I’ll be. Forever.

~*~

“Ah! Ha-yeah! Oh Chr-isss, Chris! Just like that. Ngh! Harder-ah-ha!” Danny panted beneath me, moaning under his breath as I dug my fingers into his hips and pounded into him. For some twisted reason, my brother likes it rough sometimes. I think he feels like it’s punishment for ‘taking away my chance at real dating’ or some other crap. I wish Danny could let the past go.

But I obliged him, going faster than I wanted. (Maybe I’m the hopeless romantic, but I liked it slow and sweet.) I knew I must be hurting him, but he begged for it. And I can’t say no to my brother. I looked down and watched myself disappearing into his body, in and out. Despite the tinge of sadism it made me feel, the sight also sent a thrill through me, making my breath hitch.

He fell to his forearms at a particularly vicious thrust, digging his forehead into the mattress and clawing at the rumpled sheets. I closed my eyes and rocked into him harder, not allowing my pace to slacken at the slight change in position. I could tell he was loving it, whispering my name, saying that he loved me, loved me inside him, loved me touching and licking and screwing him senseless.

My limbs were getting tired and shaky and I could feel my climax creeping closer, threatening to slam into me like a semi at eighty miles an hour. I tossed my head back as I felt my brother tighten around me. He was attending to himself now, and his back arched beautifully as he groaned his way into oblivion. I followed soon after, gasping and laughing in choked sobs as I filled him.

“Oh God, Danny,” I moaned, slowly sliding forward and slumping onto his sweaty back. I wrapped my arms around his lean waist and rested my cheek into the dip between his shoulder blades, closing my eyes sleepily and sighing. Beneath me, he sort of crumpled to the side, arms and legs sprawled out along the damp mattress in front of him. I clung to his back, throwing my knee over his thigh and inching my hips forward so that we stayed connected. I loved that part, feeling his euphoric inner muscles twitching around me lazily as we floated back to reality.

He grunted at the small movement, hissing ever so slightly. I must have harmed him a little bit, but he won’t say anything.

My arms around him could feel the gradual deceleration of the expansion of his chest, and I absently slid my fingers over his skin in delicate patterns as the air in the room cooled around us.

“Nnn,” Danny rolled his shoulder a tad, my signal. Sighing, I let myself fall backwards onto the bed, slipping out of his slick heat. I shivered at the change, resting the back of my hand in my hair where it stuck to my forehead. Next to me, my brother waited a minute and then laboriously wiggled around to face me, pulling me into his embrace against his chest and clumsily kissing the corner of my open mouth. I gazed up at the ceiling, not seeing it at all before slowly turning my head into his warmth and closing my eyes again. Our legs somehow got wonderfully entangled, just like always.

Danny began rubbing my back and ghosting his lips through my hair. “You know I’ll love you forever, right?” he asked in a whisper, giving my smaller body a little squeeze.

“Right,” I replied, smiling against his skin. I love how we fit together. It’s just perfect. Danny’s almost exactly a foot taller than me. I’m a shrimp compared to him. He’s got tremendous long legs and a cut torso with arms that feel like they can go around me for miles. Sometimes I get jealous of his height, but then I remember how amazing it feels to be tucked against him like this and I hold no regrets. At 5’2”, I’m over-shadowed by most girls. It can be a little embarrassing, but at least I’m not scrawny, too. Where my brother is trim and lean, I’m stocky. I’ve got these round little calves and arms that nicely fill out my loose jeans tight t-shirts. Danny loves my muscles. When we go work out together, I often catch him drooling at me while I do my pull-ups. Proportionally, I’m actually stronger than him. I often rub it in, brotherly camaraderie and sibling rivalry and all that. It’s so great to goof around with him.

“Do you want to shower or just go to sleep?” Danny asked, twirling his finger through a piece of my bangs. I could feel his heartbeat. It sounded content. Sated, just like his tall body he had wrapped around me.

“Mmm,” I deliberated. I really wanted to stay in bed and not move again all night, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how sticky and gross I felt. Dried sweat and other things isn’t the best combination to go to sleep with. “Shower,” I mumbled.

However, neither of us made even the slightest attempt to get up for nearly an hour.

~*~

Danny was at work one day when the phone rang. I was home by myself, enjoying the last few days of boredom before classes started. I set down my book, well, actually it was Danny’s book. He reads all the time. Then I went to answer, lifting the receiver to my ear casually, expecting it to be one of my friends. Danny didn’t really have that many friends besides his co-workers, so I just assumed it would be Allie or Jacob or one of my cycling buddies.

“Hello?”

Instead, it was a female voice that vaguely registered somewhere in the back of my memory. It was quiet and polite, sounding a little nervous.

“Um, yes, hello. I was trying to contact the… the Batton residence?”

“Yeah?” I asked, perplexed.

“Oh, well then… Do you know a Daniel Batton?”

I chuckled at her timid demeanor. “Of course I do. He’s my brother. He’s not here right now, though. What can I do for you?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line and then a quick little breath. I frowned, thinking that maybe the woman had hung up. But then…

“Chris?”

I pulled the receiver away from my face and gave it a quizzical glare as though it could be blamed for giving away my identity to this strange person.

“Chris?” the voice asked again. It sounded tinny and distant so I held the phone back to my ear.

“Yes… Who’s this?” I said suspiciously.

“Oh!” It sounded like she was smiling. “Oh, Chris! You probably don’t remember me, but I used to be really good friends with Danny back in high school. It’s Emily. Emily Whitwell.”

I felt my mouth fall open a few notches as I stared at the blank wall on the opposite side of the room. Emily? The same Emily that used to give me hugs and let me tag along everywhere she and Danny went? The same Emily that I hadn’t seen or heard from in over ten years? The same Emily that Danny adored?

I swallowed. For some reason, my mouth had gone dry.

“Chris?”

I flinched and jumped back into the conversation. “Yes, sorry. I was just trying to remember. You wouldn’t be the Emily that tried to get into my brother’s pants, would you?” I forced my voice to sound teasing, and it worked. She laughed.

“Yes, that’s me. But that was a long time ago. I was just a silly school girl and he was so nice to me. I had such a terrible crush on him.” She sighed happily. I bit my tongue. I remembered Danny cried all night when she moved away and left us. I was eight years old.

“But how are you?” she asked excitedly. “I haven’t seen either of you in ages. You sound like you’re all grown up.”

“I’m fine,” I supplied, wondering why she was just getting into contact with us now after all these years. “I’m going to college and Danny has a job. It’s pretty good.”

“That’s wonderful.” She continued to chat with me, explaining her job in marketing and asking about my classes. “Well,” she said, changing her tone. I could tell she was finally getting the reason for her call. “I’ve been thinking about you both a lot recently. I was hoping to talk to Danny to see how he was doing and ask if I could invite myself to come visit you. I miss you two and it’s always been one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t keep in touch. I know Danny asked me not to, but it was so hard. I hope he won’t be angry at me for calling now.”

Danny asked her not to call? I didn’t understand that. He was devastated when she left. In fact… in fact it was shortly after she left that Danny started becoming less inhibited around me, kissing me and showing me the kinds of things we do all the time now.

I gave her the number to his office and then hung up after a few more minutes of reminiscing. I chewed my lip thoughtfully in the sudden silence of the room. I tried to continue reading the book I had borrowed from Danny’s shelf, but I couldn’t concentrate. So after a quarter hour of fruitless effort, I changed into my warm fleece tights and wind jacket, tugging on my gloves as I stepped out onto the landing and locked the apartment door behind me. My breath fogged out around me as I jogged down the steps and unchained my bike from the metal railing.

This bike was one of the more expensive things we owned. Danny bought it for me for my birthday last year. I joked about it becoming a tradition. I had finally given away the bike he gave me when I turned ten. It was too small and it didn’t even have any gears, but I still loved the freedom it gave me to fly down the streets with the power of my own legs, hearing the wind whistle past my ears. It had become a hobby of mine and I had a group of friends who enjoyed it too. We would often take off on holiday weekends and go ride some of the extreme trails in the area. I loved the thrill and the danger of it, but the best part was coming home to my brother and having him kiss better all the scrapes I got running into trees or crashing into rocks.

I stood on the pedals and built up some momentum before I sat down and settled into a smooth pace. I headed for the park to try to get my mind off my confusion about Emily. There’s a hike and bike trail there that’s really scenic, crossing over the river a few times. It’s easy to almost think you’re miles away from civilization except when you come to a gap in the tree and see the skyscrapers looming across the street. I went there now, hopping the curb by pulling up on the handlebars to cross the parking lot. The gravel crunched satisfactorily under my wheels as I smoothly transitioned to the packed dirt path. This trail wasn’t difficult by any means; I had done some that would be treacherous just to walk down, but it was relaxing.

It also held certain memories for me. I grinned as I passed the dense little alcove where Danny and I had made out one day when we both came here to go jogging. There weren’t any people around and he had pulled me aside into the bushes and kissed my silly until my knees went weak. It was probably the biggest risk Danny has taken to date. We aren’t open about our unusual relationship, so it was exhilarating for him to initiate something like that in public, heightening the danger. Normally the park is really crowded during the moderately cool days of spring and fall.

Today however, it was almost completely deserted. I chugged down a swallow of water from my hydration pack and leaned back on the seat, taking in the winter scenery. Most of the trees had lost their leaves and there was a fine dusting of white powdered snow over everything, making it feel pristine and pure. I took my time, pedaling slowly around the curves and bends in the trail, being careful over the icy bridge. I stopped midway and watched the dark water crawl by. A little family of ducks was huddled together for warmth.

Continuing on my way, I almost passed the guy without seeing him before I noticed there was even anyone sitting on the frost covered bench looking out over the river.

“Good morning,” he said, waving slightly as I biked past his post. His presence startled me a little, so I automatically slammed on the brakes, skidding along the ground for a few feet before coming to a perfectly balanced stop. I set my foot down.

“Hi,” I answered a bit stupidly.

He smiled and gestured to my bike. “It’s a bit cold to be riding that thing, isn’t it?”

I shrugged, smiling awkwardly back at the seated stranger. “Isn’t it a little cold to be freezing your ass on a frosty park bench?”

“Touché,” he said, grinning broadly. A quiet moment passed and then he stuck out his hand over the back of his seat. “My name’s Milo.”

“Chris,” I replied, shaking the offered hand. It was a bit clumsy since we both had gloves on, but for some reason, the touch made my stomach do a funny little flip.

“I’ve seen you here before doing all kinds of tricks on that bike of yours. You a professional or something?” He was being very friendly so I decided it wouldn’t do any harm to stay and talk to him.

“Nah, it’s just for fun.” I couldn’t control the blush that filled my cheeks and I hoped Milo interpreted it to be a reaction to the cold. “I like watching those guys on TV though. It’d be cool to be as good as them one day, but I just stick to recreation.” I came to a stop, feeling like I had said too much about myself.

Milo just nodded like he understood me completely. “That’s cool.”

“So,” I ventured, feeling uncomfortable. “Do you go to the school here?” He looked to be about my age. Maybe a year to two older.

“Yeah. Well,” he amended, “I will. I moved here too late in the fall to go last semester, but I’m registered now.” He told me where he was from originally and what he was majoring in. Turned out we would have an anatomy class together. I kind of had the inkling to become a physical trainer or something, and he wanted to go into medicine. We both ended up getting cold just sitting there talking though, so I got off my bike and walked it beside me as he joined me on the path.

Milo puffed out his cheeks and blew a breath of steam into the frigid air, pushing his hands deep into his pockets. “We don’t get this much snow where I’m from.”

I studied his face out of the corner of my eye as the conversation invariably turned toward the weather. He wasn’t what I would call handsome… nothing like Danny, anyway. He was actually kind of average looking. He had dull brown hair that didn’t have any particular style except short, and the ragged bangs fell forward into his face. His cheeks were round giving him a plump appearance, but the rest of him was skinny even under all those layers of clothes. His eyes were dark and unremarkable, and he had a funny shaped nose. It was thin and straight, but the tip turned out just a little at the end. It made me want to run my finger down in just so I could flick it off the end like a ski-jump. However, his mouth was wide and upturned, constantly smiling. It made those puffy cheeks of his crinkle a lot when he grinned. It was an infectious smile. He looked like the kind of person that was constantly cheerful.

We ended up walking the entire five mile loop back to the parking lot, talking the entire time. Once we got on the subject of his favorite emergency room drama, he got really enthusiastic about the characters and speculation for where the plot was headed. He used his hands too, gesticulating with them to emphasize his thoughts. I laughed, watching him. He was a funny guy.

“Well, here’s my ride,” Milo sighed, winding down from the high we had both reached laughing at the joke he had just told. He pulled out his keys and clicked the unlock button to a shiny silver sedan.

“Yeah, well I brought my ride with me.” I patted my trusty handlebars. “So I’m set.” I was planning on doing a few more laps anyway, but for some reason, I wanted to keep talking to Milo.

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at my bike. He stalled, glancing at his car a few feet away and then back at me. “Um,” he began, looking me in eye and shifting his feet nervously. His voice had changed from his usually confident air. “I hope this doesn’t sound weird but… would you like to get some hot chocolate with me? I found this great little place not too far from here… And it’d be warm…” He pulled anxiously at one of the zippers on his jacket, smiling almost like he was shy.

…Oh.

“Oh.” I blinked at him. I’m such an idiot. I think my face went completely blank. And all I could say was ‘oh’.

“Or coffee, if you prefer that. I hear they have great coffee too,” he rambled, sounding crestfallen.

“I don’t like coffee,” I automatically replied. I didn’t, however, say that I didn’t like hot chocolate. Why wasn’t I saying that I didn’t like hot chocolate too? Well, for one thing, it was a lie…

“So, cocoa then?” he smiled that goofy smile, eyes lighting up. He tentatively reached out and brushed some snow off my shoulder. It had started to fall again.

He was kind of close now. Closer than normal. Or was it normal to stand this close to someone you had just met? For some reason, I didn’t think so, and that only made the whole thing more complicated.

“Um,” I dithered. Finally, something clunked into place in my brain and I took a step back, effectively pulling myself away from his personal circle. “Look,” I started, “I’m sorry—”

Milo’s whole countenance changed. “No,” he interrupted, looking horribly embarrassed and apologetic. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry I was so forward. It was my fault for assuming… well, anyway. I guess I read you wrong.” He laughed skittishly. “Happens all the time.” His face was red. “I’ll, uh… I’ll see you in class, maybe, yeah? Okay, bye.” He grinned and waved as he backed quickly to his car, fumbling his keys.

I watched helplessly as he drove away, skidding a little on an icy patch as he turned onto the street and sped away.

~*~

“Hey,” Danny greeted me as I tramped in the door. I had spent all day riding my bike like mad, doing laps around the park and then up and down random city streets, just going, going as fast as I could, trying to outrun my confusion.

“Hi,” I answered, stripping out of my wet outer layer of clothes. The snow had gotten pretty thick over the last few hours and I was soaked.

“So I guess you know the good news?” my brother asked, getting up off the couch and coming towards me.

I kept my head down, pretending to be absorbed in the task of taking off my shoes. “Uh, yeah,” I mumbled. “I guess Emily got a hold of you.”

“She sure did. Man, it was great to hear from her again. It’s been forever. Hey… is something wrong?” Danny reached out and slid a finger under my chin, raising my head to look at my face. His sad blue eyes were turned up in concern.

I forced a smile onto my wind-chapped lips. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just want to take a hot shower. It’s pretty cold out there.” I shivered appropriately to illustrate my defense.

“Oh, okay. Then I’ll get dinner ready while you clean up. Something warm to eat?” He ran his thumb along my jaw and then sifted his fingers through my hair.

“Yeah, sounds great.” I grinned as I slipped out of his reach and darted around him to the bathroom. Danny was a really great cook, so I was genuinely looking forward to the meal. I kept telling him to quit his boring office job and start working as a fancy chef somewhere, but he won’t listen to me. He’s too practical.

Once I was safely alone behind the locked bathroom door, I sagged against it, feeling jittery. Why did I feel so guilty? It’s not like I had betrayed him or anything. I just talked to a guy in the park, made a new friend. There was nothing wrong with that, right? Although, I was pretty sure Milo was coming on to me there at the end. It was… he had been really sweet about it… I’ve never had that happen to me before. Almost everyone I know thinks I’m straight except my two closest friends, but they don’t blab about it. I get girls flirting with me now and then, so I know how to handle that. But this, this was… This was different. It almost felt… nice.

~*~

I closed my eyes and buried my face in Danny’s hair as he kissed his way down my naked chest. He gently took hold of my wrists and pinned them, using his forehead to press his weight against me, laying me down upon the bed. I sighed, letting my head fall back and relax, concentrating on the soft fluttering of his perfect lips against my warm skin. I lifted my knees up, rubbing his shoulders with my thighs and dragging one toe up his side. He shivered and glanced up at me, catching me as I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

Still looking at me, he kissed the line down the center of my abdomen towards the ultra pale trail of hair beneath my navel. He let go of my wrists and slipped his hands under the small of my back, making me arch up as he dragged his nose leisurely over the ridge of my hip.

I let one leg fall back slack against the mattress, bending it so I could press the pad of my bare foot against his nude body. With my hands free, I allowed my fingers to find their way back to his hair, stroking it slowly. I loved it when Danny treated me like this. Like I was the only other person in the world and he wanted nothing more than to love me all night long.

I bit my lip to hide my indrawn breath as I felt myself slide into the back of Danny’s throat. His warm hands soothed my hips into laying motionless as he caressed me with his mouth, pausing on every detail. He knew how to make my body sing.

He was careful, though, taking me only so far, only so close to the edge before he withdrew. I was liquid in his capable hands at this point and he tenderly turned me over, body limp and yielding. I shivered and moaned softly as I felt his wet tongue slither delicately against my most sensitive flesh, flicking inside me with perfectly timed precision, making me shudder.

I didn’t even realize I had been turned back around, laying flat on my back until Danny kissed the hollow of my throat and I felt the heat of his body hovering above my own. Without words, I raised my knees again and lifted my hips up off the bed as he slid a slim pillow under them. He cupped my face in his left hand as he used his right stretch and relax me. I couldn’t help a silly smile from shaping my lips as he did. I opened my eyes to slits so I could watch him. He watched me watching him, and we watched each other. I turned my head a fraction so I could capture his thumb lightly between my teeth. He smiled back at me, eyes dark and heated.

I released his thumb when the moment came, just in case I bit it off. My eyelids fluttered as he moved forward, against me, into me, filling me perfectly. I let out the breath I had been unconsciously holding when he paused, completely inside. He melted forward, sliding his lean forearms under my back and up to grip my shoulders, kissing my flushed face with hundreds of fleeting little touches. I fluidly slung my leg up around his hip, then the other, neatly clasping my ankles across one another against the small of his back. My arms felt heavy as I wrapped them around his neck.

Our lips met as we rolled our hips together, bodies undulating and skin shimmering.

I love you, I thought as I gasped and breathed against my brother’s mouth, cinching my fingers into his hair and tightening my legs around his waist to pull him closer. I love you so much. You are me and I am you. That will never change. Never. Forever, we’ll always be together. I love you…

…It was quiet now. The rushing in my ears had faded into a blissful silence, leaving only the faint hum of my sated body. Danny used a hand towel to diligently clean me off, then he maneuvered himself against my side and pulled me back into his chest. I clumsily twisted onto my side and bent my knees so he could curl himself in behind me, skin to skin like spoons. His arms were around me and I hugged them to my chest, kissing his knuckles before settling my head against his shoulder. He kissed the nape of my neck, blowing gently on the moistened area through his nose.

“Chrissy,” he whispered longingly. His hold on me intensified like he never wanted to let go. His kissed my shoulder, my hair, the ticklish spot behind my ear. All the while his embrace became painfully tight. I scrunched my eyes up as a lump formed in my throat.

Oh Danny, I wanted to say, Don’t ever let go of me. I belong in your arms. It’s the only place where I feel completely, unequivocally safe. Don’t ever let go.

~*~

The next morning, I woke up still encased in my brother’s arms. It was a Saturday, the last free weekend before term began, and Danny didn’t have to work today. I could tell he was already awake by the feel of his hold. His arms were like steel bands around me, keeping me warm and comfortable pressed against him instead of loose and slack and draped over me.

“Danny?” I asked quietly, voice throaty with sleep.

“Mmm?” He rubbed his cheek in my tousled hair.

“Hi,” I said shyly, smiling against his forearm.

He chuckled. “Hey.”

I rotated around to face him and our lips met. His fingers began tracing delicate patterns up and down my back. He knows this makes me writhe in delight, and he does it at the most inopportune times. I giggled and squirmed, hiding my face against his shoulder.

I’ve spent my entire life with Danny. He’s the only thing I know. He was my first memory, and I hope he’ll be my last.

“Stop!” I begged as his fingers wormed their way under my arms. He finally relented and beamed at me, grinning as I caught my breath. In revenge, I surged forward and kissed his bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth and biting it, growling like a puppy. I love making my brother laugh.

I sighed as we both settled down once more, staring into our matching blue eyes. “What are we going to do about Emily?” I asked, placing the palm of my hand over his heart.

Danny frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you said she was staying for three days. Where is she going to sleep? How are… where am I going to sleep? We only have one bed and no guestrooms.” I didn’t give voice to the worries that Emily might get suspicious of how we lived together.

~*~

I studied my class schedule as I walked down the crowded sidewalk, glancing up at the red brick buildings as I passed them, looking for the right one. Finally finding it, I veered off from the stream of excited students and jogged up the steps to go inside. Hugging my chest to fight off the last vestiges of the cold, I went down the hallway, checking the numbers above the doors. There were more students milling about here, and I saw a few I knew. They waved and asked about my Christmas. It was good, I replied. I neglected to tell them my brother had lathered me in whip cream and chocolate sauce with a cherry in my teeth and then devoured me inside and out.

Finding my classroom at last, I wandered just inside the door and then looked around for a seat. The professor was already at the computer clicking to his introductory powerpoint that was displayed on the pull down screen. Next to his name and the title of the course, “Anatomy 1311.1”, there was a diagram of one of those naked men with have their skin pulled back so you can see their bones and muscles. The strange thing is the artists always manage to leave out the reproductive bits. I laughed to myself as I thought about what the diagram guy would say if he could talk. Probably something like, “Hey! Give me a dick! There’s a poster of ‘The Stages of Pregnancy’ across the room from me! That doesn’t happen because of a stork, you know!”

A smile found its way across my face from the thought just as my eyes fell on Milo. He was looking over at me, but as soon as our gazes met, he quickly looked down at his shiny new text book, pretending to be absorbed in the cover picture which happened to be a blurred motion picture of a ballerina twirling gracefully. Her male partner was poised to catch her, sculpted body gracefully arched. Beneath those tights it was obvious he wasn’t missing any crucial bits of anatomy. I wondered which of the dancers Milo was looking at.

I decided to break the ice that had settled over us since he invited me to coffee and I went over to the empty seat next to him and sat down. “Hey,” I said with a grin, flopping my backpack on the lab counter. I hooked my feet in my stool and rested my elbows on the table. “How’s it going?” I pulled off my knitted beanie and shook out my hair, running my fingers through it a few times to comb it back from my face. I noticed Milo watch me out of the corner of his eye.

“Fine,” he answered. “You?” he asked hesitantly.

“Great.” I sighed and unzipped my fleece jacket. “Cold as hell, but at least it’s warm in here. I remember the heater in the history building went out last December and we had to sit there freezing to death through each boring lecture.”

Milo laughed a little hollowly. “That must have sucked.”

“Yeah, it did.” I smiled and then turned my attention to the professor who was speaking with a bored drawl to the class, not waiting for us to quiet down first. Eventually, everyone realized he had begun his lecture over the syllabus and the room fell into silence minus the odd cough or blowing of a nose now and then. It looked like this teacher was going to be pretty dull, and I sagged in my seat, resting my chin on my fist.

By the end of the class, Milo still hadn’t said anything to me, so I began quietly packing up my few things without looking at him, feeling down.

He stood next to me and slung his bag over his shoulder, moving out into the aisle. I kept my head down, watching him through my eye lashes as he hesitated. Milo turned slowly, but I pretended not to notice, continuing to slowly put away my folder and notes and zip my bag shut.

“Chris?”

I looked up carefully, keeping my face neutral.

“I’m sorry about the other day. I was really an idiot.” He studied his shoelaces, gripping the straps of his backpack convulsively.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I didn’t mind, I just didn’t have a chance to explain myself.”

He squinted at me, obviously confused.

“I’m living with someone,” I went on, trying not to sound cruel. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.” It would be nice, I thought, to have a friend that was like me. Someone I wouldn’t have to pretend around. Not that I ever pretended around my other friends, but I didn’t ever get to say anything about my relationship to them or how in love I was. Maybe Milo would be just what I needed. Someone to talk to that wouldn’t suddenly start fearing for their masculinity.

“Oh, okay,” he said, looking surprised. Then his face wrinkled up into a smile. “So, wait… I was right about you?”

I shrugged, grinning back at him. We both laughed.

~*~

I fidgeted on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table. Danny was sitting next to me reading a newspaper. I don’t know how he gets through those things without hanging himself of boredom. I always flip to the funnies and toss the rest of it.

Sighing, I wiggled my toes. There was still fluff on them from when I had pulled my socks off earlier when I got home from school. Since it was two weeks into the semester, I had homework, but I was too wound up to do it.

“When does she get here again?” I asked for the third time.

“Seven,” Danny answered patiently, again, for the third time.

I sighed, glancing at the clock. It was five thirty.

“Go for a ride or something. Emily won’t mind if you’re not here when she comes as long as she gets to see you later,” Danny said, turning his page.

I crossed my arms and slumped further down into the couch cushions. I flicked my eyes over to Danny, then back to my feet. Then back to Danny. I cleared my throat and whispered, “I know something else I can ride for an hour and a half…”

~*~

Danny bumped into my elbow, causing my hand to slip in my hair, getting shampoo in my eyes. “Dang it, Danny!”

“Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, this is all your fault,” he sniffed, leaning into the shower spray to wash the soap off his chest. I pushed him out of the way so I could rinse my stinging eyes.

“How is this my fault? You’re the one who wanted to cuddle for so long afterwards.” I scrubbed at my face, grimacing under the hot water.

“It’s your fault for getting me all hot and bothered and giving me that look. And besides, you’re extremely cuddly. I couldn’t help it.”

I groaned exasperatedly, quickly working conditioner through my hair as Danny stepped out of the shower. I managed to give his ass a smack before he could wrap a towel around it and he jerked, squeaking. “Damn it, Chirssy!” he shouted, slipping on the wet tile. I giggled insanely as he pulled the glass door closed in my face.

~*~

I threw the towel I had been using on my still damp hair in the general direction of the bathroom as the doorbell rang. Danny went to answer it, cursing under his breath as he tried to tuck his shirt in while walking to the door. I shook out one of my fashion t-shirts and yanked it over my head. It snagged on my moist shoulders and I tugged it down harshly to get it to lay right against my chest. I hitched up my sagging jeans and jogged into the main room, combing my hair back with my fingers just as Danny opened the door.

“Emily!” he said in greeting, holding out his arms. “Look at you!”

“Oh,” the young woman on the landing waved her gloved hand, looking flattered. “You always knew how to make me feel good, Danny,” she beamed, moving in for a hug.

I hung back slightly, observing them as they closed their eyes and squeezed each other in remembered friendship. Emily was dressed in a stylish looking knee-length denim skirt with tall boots and a gray wool coat tied about her waist. Her soft looking white scarf flapped against Danny’s side in the chilling breeze from outside. She looked different from how I remembered her. She seemed a lot smaller now, but then again, I was eight when I had last seen her. Everything is bigger when you’re a kid.

“Come inside,” Danny chided, finally pulling away from the long embrace and waving her in. She reached back behind herself to pull her rolling suitcase in and then Danny shut the door, cutting off the icy outdoor air. I had goosebumps rising up my exposed arms and my wet hair made me shiver.

Emily spotted me. “Oh my! It can’t be little Chrissy!” She smiled her rosy smile and came at me. Before I could protest, I was encased in perfumed wool as she hugged me too, practically choking me. I tentatively placed my hands on her sides, awkwardly patting her back a few times in a silent plea to have her release me.

She let go and practically radiated a blinding smile at me. “You look so different. So handsome now, just like your brother.” For some reason, I blushed and looked down at my still bare toes, folding my hands behind my back and twisting a little from side to side. Emily laughed. “Oh Danny, he’s just as cute as ever.” I proceeded to turn crimson and wallow silently as she and my brother began talking a mile a minute, catching up on the last ten years.

~*~

Milo reached across the small circular table where we were sitting and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Why so down?” he asked, giving me a concerned look with hound dog eyes. In the two weeks we had known each other, we had become fast friends, and easy contact like that was natural.

I glanced up at him glumly, idly stirring my steaming hot chocolate with my thin red straw. “My… partner’s old high school friend is visiting and she’s taking up all of his time. I just… I don’t know. I guess I’m jealous. She used to have a thing for him so I still don’t fully trust her even though I know it would be ridiculous for her to try anything.”

“How long is she staying?”

“Two more days. And the worst part is that she doesn’t know about us, so I’m camped out on the couch while she gets our bed. We can’t touch or kiss or act normal around her, and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Aww, you poor little horn dog. Life just isn’t fair, is it?”

Milo laughed when I leaned across the table to take a swat at his head. We giggled and pretended to hit each other until his hot chocolate spilled in a great dollop over the side of his styrofoam cup and we decided to leave before we made a mess of the little coffee shop.

I wrapped my scarf around my neck and sipped my drink as we walked down the sidewalk, relishing the warmth in my hands. Milo was oddly quiet for several blocks as we made our way back to the campus in time for our anatomy class. Finally, however, he broke the silence.

“Are you in love with him?”

I grinned at the question, thinking he was teasing. “Of course,” I said easily. But then I looked at his face and saw the saddened resignation there and I paused. Milo stopped too after a few paces, glancing back at me questioningly.

“What’s up?”

“Don’t give me that,” I said darkly, frowning. “Why did you ask me that?”

Milo closed his mouth around a gulp of hot chocolate and swallowed slowly. “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I guess I just wanted to know.” He was trying to play it off like it didn’t matter, but I knew better.

“Come on,” I said softly, walking closer and putting my hand on his arm. “What’s going on?”

Milo shrugged and tried to look away, but I kept moving into his line of sight until he sighed and stared at the ground between our shoes. “Well,” he said in a small voice, “You never tell me anything about him. I don’t even know his name. Whenever I say we should get together, you never want me to come over where you live, you always come to my place. It’s like he doesn’t exist or you’re ashamed of him or something. I just wanted to know if… if you were just blowing me off or something. Making up excuses. …But I know I’m being ridiculous, so just drop it.” Milo grimaced and turned away, holding his chocolate like a life preserver.

I trotted up behind him and placed my hand on his shoulder. I had to reach up to do so since he was about eight inches taller than me. “Do you want to meet him? Is that what this is about?”

“Sure,” he said, watching a flock of blackbirds swoop over our heads in a living cloud. They drifted up en masse and settled on the power lines across the street, little hunched figures with piercing breathy crackles. “I guess I would.”

“Well okay. You want to come over after class? I get done at five.”

Milo gazed with distant eyes at the watchful grackles, chewing on the rim of his cup. “Yeah, okay.”

After he agreed, we continued on our way like everything was normal. Like everything was just as it should be between to close friends. Like everything was…. In the shadow of a shop awning, Milo gently took hold of my arm and pulled me into a hug. Surprised, I stood stiffly in his arms, feeling his breath on my shoulder. Then he pulled away without a word and I didn’t say a thing.

~*~

“Hello?”

“Danny, it’s me. I have a huge favor to ask you.”

“Chrissy? What’s wrong? You sound panicked.”

“No, I’m okay. Listen. I, um… I have this friend that’s going to be coming over to our place tonight and… well, see, the thing is…. The thing is, we’re friends but I think he kind of has a crush on me, so he wanted to meet you since I told him I was living with someone but-he-doesn’t-know-that-we’re-brothers-so-you-can’t-say-anything-and-somehow-you-have-to-get-Emily-out-of-the-picture-because-she-knows-we’re-brothers-but-not-lovers-and—

“Chris! Chris, calm down. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Did you say Emily? She’s cooking dinner for us tonight. Her treat, she said. Did you want to invite a friend over too?”

I sighed, defeated. “Yes.”

~*~

“Hey!” Milo was practically bouncing as I walked up to him where we planned to meet at the fountain after classes. I smiled nervously at his huge grin. “So I finally get to meet your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, batting the brim of his baseball cap down into his face. He laughed and playfully punched me in the gut. I stole his hat and ran away, cackling madly. Several students milling around watched us as Milo chased me down the street.

He finally caught me and grabbed me around the waist, lifting me up into the air. My arms and legs flailed helplessly and I cried out for mercy. He dropped be back on the ground and I held out his hat as a peace offering. Instead of taking it from my hand, he grabbed my whole wrist and pulled me stumbling into his chest. Suddenly feeling awkward, I tilted my head back and looked up at him, feeling the smile slide off my face.

Milo looked down into my eyes with an expression that I couldn’t read. Somehow, his other arm had ended up wrapped around my shoulders loosely. It probably looked very intimate to casual passersby. I studied his face, his semi closed eyes, his messy hair dangling across his forehead, his funny shaped nose, …his delicately smiling lips…

I leaned forward, resting my hands on his chest and rising up on my toes. His lips parted and he drew in a soft breath, letting his head gravitate toward me…

“Chris? Oh my god, hi!” a screechy happy voice proclaimed from my left. I abruptly yanked myself back from Milo as he dropped his arms, looking caught red-handed. I turned swiftly to see my best friends Allie and Jacob coming toward us. Allie was positively sprinting at us, tugging on a reluctant Jacob’s hand where their fingers were intertwined.

“Allie!” I said in surprise, trying not to let my grin betray my terror. What had I just been about to do?

She rushed at me and gave me a rib crushing hug, kissing my cheek. Jacob sauntered up to her side and smirked at me. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t kiss you too, much as I know you want it.”

I laughed. “That’s right. I’ve been lusting after you since we were three years old.” Jacob and I often joked about this ever since I came out to them a few years ago in high school. Actually, I didn’t as much as come out to them as finally confirm their suspicions. They had taken bets, a memory that was still a sore spot for me.

Jacob clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and then pretended to punch my jaw. “So who’s this? Have you finally landed a boyfriend?” he asked, smiling kindly at Milo.

My heart leapt into my throat. My two friends knew I lived with my brother, but they were under the impression that I had remained single all these years. My mouth fumbled to do damage control because Milo was giving me a confused and suspicious look.

I laughed, pretending his statement had been a joke of no significance. “Nah, this is my new buddy Milo. We have a class together.”

“You sure he’s not your new beau?” Allie asked, eyeing him delightedly as Milo shook her hand. “It looked like you were about to—”

“Hey! So! What have you guys been up to? I haven’t seen you around lately?” I inserted loudly, staring back and forth between them with wide eyes and a huge false grin. Jacob coughed behind his hand and Allie’s face fell absurdly.

“Oh…” she said slowly. “Oh, right! We’ve… we’re doing great. You heard the good news, right?” She held out her left hand for me to see her sparkly new attachment to her ring finger. Of course I had seen it before and received a firsthand account of exactly how Jacob had proposed to her on Christmas morning, but I pretended to be fascinated anyway. Milo shuffled up next to me to lean over Allie’s hand, appropriately admiring it.

After introductions were made and several minutes of forced conversation later, my two best friends moved on to make their dinner reservations and Milo and I were left wandering silently down the sidewalk with our hands in our pockets. I could feel the questions he wanted to ask as if they were hanging in the air like cartoon thought bubbles, but I kept my head forward and didn’t speak.

Winding our way through the city streets, we came to me and Danny's apartment complex. I waved vaguely with my hand up the zigzagging stairs. “Well, this is it,” I said with a nervous laugh. My voice was jittery. Before I could lead the way up, however, Milo caught my arm, lightly holding me back.

“Chris.” He looked into my eyes with all seriousness. “Those people, your friends. They didn’t know you were involved with someone much less living with them. Please be honest with me. What’s going on?”

I backpedalled, trying to figure out a believable explanation to all this. “Oh, I just don’t really share my personal life with them that much. They always get really nosy about who I’m with and ask questions I don’t feel comfortable answering.” I stated that last sentence in a darker tone, hoping to get my point across that I didn’t want to discuss it.

Milo looked properly chastised because he nodded and turned his head away, eyes downcast. I turned up the stairs and he followed closely behind me. Before I could move to open the door, he caught my elbow.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have said that to you. It’s obvious that you don’t talk about yourself much. It was wrong of me to jump to conclusions.”

And yet so correct, I thought sadly. But instead I replied, “No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Inside, Danny followed my directions precisely and greeted me with a chaste kiss out of sight of Emily. My eyes scoured the apartment for her as he pulled away, and I heard her talking to herself in the kitchen. It sounded like she was reading off recipe instructions.

“Danny, this is my friend Milo. Milo, my boyfriend Danny.” I spoke quietly in case Emily heard me use the word boyfriend instead of brother.

“Hi.” They shook hands. “Chris has told me a lot about you,” Danny said while smiling kindly. This was actually not very true. I hadn’t mentioned anything to him about Milo until earlier that day on the phone, frantic about what we were going to do.

“Oh, nothing too horrible I hope,” Milo quipped, blushing shyly.

Danny snared his arm around my neck and dragged me into his side, rubbing my scalp with his knuckles. I laughed, trying to push him away. “Nah,” he said. “The usual. Ritual animal slaughters, etc.”

That got Milo to laugh. Danny was actually pretty good with people when he tried. I smiled as I watched them interact. Milo slowly became more relaxed as he shed his coat and sat in the armchair next to us. I curled up against Danny’s side on the sofa, feeling warm and confident that our plan really was going to work. However, as I sat there listening to their polite chatter, my mind began to wander. Did I like Milo? Well, yeah. He was the first gay friend I’d ever had, besides my own brother of course. Was I attracted to him? …I guess I was, in a way. He wasn’t handsome like Danny, but… he was cute. Which was extremely odd because I’ve never been attracted to anyone else before except beautiful celebrities that I’ll never meet.

But maybe this was simply my inexperience coming through. I regretted what I had been about to do outside on the street. I didn’t want to cheat on Danny. Ever. I love him. He’s my world, my brother. He’s perfect. So why had I had the urge to kiss Milo?

“Chrissy?”

I jerked, snapping my eyes over to Danny. He was looking at me with brows raised. Apparently he had said my name several times to get my attention. “Huh?” I said intelligently. He nodded at someone standing in front of me and I looked cluelessly up at Emily. Emily? …Crap! I unattached myself from Danny’s side and scooted away, straightening up and clearing my throat.

Emily tittered at me. Then I noticed she was holding a tray of hors d’oeuvres. “Want one?”

“Sure!” I said with an inappropriate amount of gusto, snatching one of the little cracker-ish things. I stuffed it into my mouth whole and grinned up at her. She reached out and ruffled my hair.

“Dinner’s almost ready.” I nodded agreeably, giving her the thumbs up since my mouth was full of something that tasted absolutely awful. She definitely wasn’t as good a cook as Danny, that was certain. I waited until her back was turned, talking to Milo, before I grabbed an old newspaper off the coffee table and discreetly wiped my mouth with it, spitting out whatever it was Emily had made. Danny leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“You’re so bad. At least wait until she’s in the kitchen.”

I gave him an appropriately meek look as I crumpled up the paper. Milo caught my eye and he smiled around Emily’s waist.

A half hour later when Emily called us into the kitchen and dining area, I was really starting to get nervous. I sat down next to Danny on the opposite side of the table from Milo and Emily, smoothing my napkin in my lap. I was about to dig in when Emily asked if Milo would like to say grace.

Grace? What the—?

Danny pinched my leg under the table, making me drop the fork I had been about to plunge into my burnt looking meatloaf. He cleared his throat to hide the clatter it made as the other two clasped their hands and bent their heads. I hastened to copy them, not sure if I was doing it right. I remembered seeing families do this in movies, but I didn’t think real people actually did this sort of thing.

Milo droned on for a bit, reciting something that sounded vaguely familiar, then we were finally allowed to eat. I cast Danny a grumpy look for pinching my leg, but he just smiled and busied himself with his meal.

“So Chris,” Emily began, drawing my attention. “You’ve been gone all day so I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you yet. Tell me what’s been going on. The last time I saw you, you were still clinging to Danny and hiding behind his leg.”

Sweat immediately beaded on my forehead and I glanced at Milo. He was still staring down at his plate, but he had frozen. Beside me, Danny shifted in his seat.

“Ah, things are good. I… I’m thinking about getting my degree in physical therapy or something so I can be a personal trainer.”

“Oh that sounds exciting. Danny told me you’ve become completely reckless at mountain biking.”

I flushed and laughed. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“So,” she went on, suddenly smiling in that way that girls do when they are about to dole out juicy gossip. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Milo shoved his chair back, eyes wide and jaw set. We all turned our heads toward him and he stared back at us. His face was a strange mixture of confusion and anger.

“D-did I say something wrong?” Emily asked apologetically, looking bewildered. “Oh,” she said at once before anyone could say anything. “Oh, are you like Danny too? Is Milo your—”

“No,” Milo cut her off, glaring at me. “I’m not.”

Danny carefully set his glass down and spoke to Milo. “Look—”

“No,” Milo said again, standing up. His napkin fell to the floor. “No, you look. You are obviously hiding something. I’m sorry Chris, but something IS going on. First your friends outside and now this? Maybe I’m wrong, but this is just too weird. What’s the deal?”

“What on earth are you talking about?” Emily looked back and forth between all three of us.

~*~

“Shh,” Danny murmured into my ear as I cried on his shoulder. He rubbed my back and rocked me gently, kissing my hair over and over. “Shh, it’s going to be okay.”

I wanted to reply that it wasn’t, but all that could escape my throat was a sob. I love you. I don’t care what they say, I still love you.

Danny held me tight against his chest and kissed my temple. “Shhhh.”

I buried my face harder against his warm neck, wiping my nose on the back of my hand.

They were gone.

And our secret was out.

Description
All my life people have told me I’m too innocent, too naïve, too trusting. I guess those could be considered faults that could get me into a dangerous situation, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Nothing horrible has happened to me so far, anyway. In fact, I think it makes life easier. I have several close friends and many other kind acquaintances. I’ve never been in a fight, verbal or physical, unless getting yelled at by my mom counts. But I don’t speak to her any more…

I’m a very non-confrontational person, so sometimes I’d rather ignore my problems than face them. I suppose that could be bad in some people’s opinion. I just don’t like to dwell on emotional baggage. Not like my brother does. He worries me sometimes. He, unlike me, does dwell on stuff. He carries around a lot of guilt for his past mistakes. Well, he calls them mistakes. I don’t see it that way.

We talked about it once last summer. I asked him why he would get so distant and sad randomly throughout the day. Normally I can cheer him up with a kiss or a stupid joke, but occasionally he would be beyond my reach. He would stare off into space and do that thing that always lets me know he’s buried deep within his own traumatized mind. He rubs the tip of his forefinger along the edge of his thumb over and over really slowly, and his eyes go all unfocused. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he was sorry.

Sorry? I didn’t understand. Sorry for what? I love my brother, and he never does anything that makes me unhappy. Quite the opposite. He’s my number one reason for living.

He explained that he was sorry for all the mistakes he’s made, sorry for corrupting me.

I laughed at that, thinking he was joking. Corrupting me? How on earth could I be corrupt, and what could he possibly have done to mar me? He’s never been anything but loving to me. In fact, he’s very protective.

I straddled his lap where he was sitting on one of our dining room chairs and loosely looped my arms around his neck, smiling at him. He leaned back in his seat and lifted his eyes to mine, focusing on me for the first time since our conversation had started.

“What do you mean?” I asked, sliding my fingers through the soft little hairs just brushing the top of his neck. He always keeps his hair short, not like me. I like to let mine get shaggy so I can part it on the side and toss my head to keep it out of my eyes. I will admit that is one of my faults. I do like the way I look and it gives me a fairly high level of self esteem, especially when I have a brother constantly telling me how beautiful I am. So I dress a little nicer and spend a little longer in the bathroom than he does in the morning getting ready for the day, but I don’t think that makes me a terrible person. Does it?

He sighed and gave me that sad smile of his that didn’t quite reach his eyes as his hands found their way to my waist. I studied his face before he spoke. I actually think my brother is much better looking than I am, but he just shakes his head and blushes when I try to tell him how handsome he is.

“I mean this,” he answered, running his palm over my chest and then brushing his thumb softly along my lower lip. “Our… relationship.”

I gently bit the end of his thumb, keeping it trapped between my teeth as I stared back at him.

He frowned slightly in a troubled way. “I mean… you do know this isn’t… this isn’t normal, right?”

I released his thumb from my mouth and pursed my lips to the side. I hated it when he alluded to this. “Yes, Danny. I know this isn’t very socially acceptable, but love is love, right? And it’s nobody’s business but our own what we do together. And if they want to condemn us, fine. But no one can take away what we have.” I firmly threaded my fingers through his hair on either side of his head and used my leverage to pull us together for a kiss.

As always, Danny found me irresistible. He wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me tightly against his chest as he sank into the kiss I had initiated.

That was six months ago, and it’s now a bitterly cold January. Since that conversation… or rather, since that brief talk and then steamy make out session, Danny has been relatively more cheerful. I think he’s finally put most of his guilt behind him and has embraced the life we’ve built together. I know he still blames himself for ‘influencing me’, but I’m not so innocent that I’m unable to make my own decisions. I know that two brothers shouldn’t do the things we do, but I don’t care. I’d rather live with him and be happy than force myself away and be ‘normal’. Screw normal. We’re not hurting anyone.

~*~

“Chrissy?”

I heard my brother’s voice calling from the kitchen as I walked in the front door, stomping my feet to get the snow off my shoes.

“Yep,” I called, but the sound was muffled through my thick black scarf. I like wearing dark colors. I think deep navy, wine red, and charcoal gray look good contrasted with my pale hair and vivid blue eyes. That’s one feature about myself that I don’t really like that much, my eyes. They’re really large and round, framed by thicker than normal blond lashes. I guess that’s why I’m always trying to hide them behind long bangs. But Danny says their gorgeous, made for staring into while making love. Honestly. He can be such a gushy romantic sometimes. I love him.

I shook the dampness out of my hair and hung my coat and scarf up on the stand by the entrance, shivering slightly in my clingy turtleneck. Then I picked up the brown paper grocery sacks I had set on the floor and made my way to kitchen where my brother was cooking dinner. He was still wearing his office clothes, a pale sage green shirt tucked into drab khaki slacks, but he’d taken off his tie and unbuttoned his collar as well as rolled back his sleeves. Even though we look almost exactly alike, Danny prefers softer pastels, and I can’t deny they look good on him. Actually, they look downright sexy. At that moment he looked thoroughly jumpable as I set the bags on the counter and smiled at him.

“Hey.”

He looked up and met my eyes, glancing up from the pot of stew he was stirring. “Hey you.” He leaned over the produce I was unpacking and gave me a soft, lingering kiss. Then he let out a little gust of breath, blowing my bangs out of my eyes as he smiled. “How did it go at the bookstore? You don’t appear to have any riveting new tomes with you.”

I shrugged and resumed my unpacking, opening cabinets and putting things away. “Eh, I didn’t buy any. They were all too expensive and I don’t need them anyway. I sold back all the ones I bought last semester for less than a fourth of what they cost me in the first place, and I didn’t even crack the spines. So why bother again this year?”

“Good point.” Danny crossed his free arm over his chest as he returned his focus back to the deliciously simmering stew. “Was the grocery store crowded?”

“Not too bad.” I put the milk in the refrigerator and then began helping my brother finish preparing our supper. We talked about my upcoming semester. I was about to start my second term of college and I wasn’t too psyched about it. I mean, I get okay grades and I don’t skip class, but I’d always rather be doing something else. I hope I can make it through all four years like Danny did. He’s gotten a couple raises at work so we live a little better than we did a few years ago. We moved into a bigger apartment and bought decent second hand furniture, but we still had to be frugal with our spending most of the time. I wouldn’t be anywhere else, though. Wherever my brother is, that’s where I’ll be. Forever.

~*~

“Ah! Ha-yeah! Oh Chr-isss, Chris! Just like that. Ngh! Harder-ah-ha!” Danny panted beneath me, moaning under his breath as I dug my fingers into his hips and pounded into him. For some twisted reason, my brother likes it rough sometimes. I think he feels like it’s punishment for ‘taking away my chance at real dating’ or some other crap. I wish Danny could let the past go.

But I obliged him, going faster than I wanted. (Maybe I’m the hopeless romantic, but I liked it slow and sweet.) I knew I must be hurting him, but he begged for it. And I can’t say no to my brother. I looked down and watched myself disappearing into his body, in and out. Despite the tinge of sadism it made me feel, the sight also sent a thrill through me, making my breath hitch.

He fell to his forearms at a particularly vicious thrust, digging his forehead into the mattress and clawing at the rumpled sheets. I closed my eyes and rocked into him harder, not allowing my pace to slacken at the slight change in position. I could tell he was loving it, whispering my name, saying that he loved me, loved me inside him, loved me touching and licking and screwing him senseless.

My limbs were getting tired and shaky and I could feel my climax creeping closer, threatening to slam into me like a semi at eighty miles an hour. I tossed my head back as I felt my brother tighten around me. He was attending to himself now, and his back arched beautifully as he groaned his way into oblivion. I followed soon after, gasping and laughing in choked sobs as I filled him.

“Oh God, Danny,” I moaned, slowly sliding forward and slumping onto his sweaty back. I wrapped my arms around his lean waist and rested my cheek into the dip between his shoulder blades, closing my eyes sleepily and sighing. Beneath me, he sort of crumpled to the side, arms and legs sprawled out along the damp mattress in front of him. I clung to his back, throwing my knee over his thigh and inching my hips forward so that we stayed connected. I loved that part, feeling his euphoric inner muscles twitching around me lazily as we floated back to reality.

He grunted at the small movement, hissing ever so slightly. I must have harmed him a little bit, but he won’t say anything.

My arms around him could feel the gradual deceleration of the expansion of his chest, and I absently slid my fingers over his skin in delicate patterns as the air in the room cooled around us.

“Nnn,” Danny rolled his shoulder a tad, my signal. Sighing, I let myself fall backwards onto the bed, slipping out of his slick heat. I shivered at the change, resting the back of my hand in my hair where it stuck to my forehead. Next to me, my brother waited a minute and then laboriously wiggled around to face me, pulling me into his embrace against his chest and clumsily kissing the corner of my open mouth. I gazed up at the ceiling, not seeing it at all before slowly turning my head into his warmth and closing my eyes again. Our legs somehow got wonderfully entangled, just like always.

Danny began rubbing my back and ghosting his lips through my hair. “You know I’ll love you forever, right?” he asked in a whisper, giving my smaller body a little squeeze.

“Right,” I replied, smiling against his skin. I love how we fit together. It’s just perfect. Danny’s almost exactly a foot taller than me. I’m a shrimp compared to him. He’s got tremendous long legs and a cut torso with arms that feel like they can go around me for miles. Sometimes I get jealous of his height, but then I remember how amazing it feels to be tucked against him like this and I hold no regrets. At 5’2”, I’m over-shadowed by most girls. It can be a little embarrassing, but at least I’m not scrawny, too. Where my brother is trim and lean, I’m stocky. I’ve got these round little calves and arms that nicely fill out my loose jeans tight t-shirts. Danny loves my muscles. When we go work out together, I often catch him drooling at me while I do my pull-ups. Proportionally, I’m actually stronger than him. I often rub it in, brotherly camaraderie and sibling rivalry and all that. It’s so great to goof around with him.

“Do you want to shower or just go to sleep?” Danny asked, twirling his finger through a piece of my bangs. I could feel his heartbeat. It sounded content. Sated, just like his tall body he had wrapped around me.

“Mmm,” I deliberated. I really wanted to stay in bed and not move again all night, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how sticky and gross I felt. Dried sweat and other things isn’t the best combination to go to sleep with. “Shower,” I mumbled.

However, neither of us made even the slightest attempt to get up for nearly an hour.

~*~

Danny was at work one day when the phone rang. I was home by myself, enjoying the last few days of boredom before classes started. I set down my book, well, actually it was Danny’s book. He reads all the time. Then I went to answer, lifting the receiver to my ear casually, expecting it to be one of my friends. Danny didn’t really have that many friends besides his co-workers, so I just assumed it would be Allie or Jacob or one of my cycling buddies.

“Hello?”

Instead, it was a female voice that vaguely registered somewhere in the back of my memory. It was quiet and polite, sounding a little nervous.

“Um, yes, hello. I was trying to contact the… the Batton residence?”

“Yeah?” I asked, perplexed.

“Oh, well then… Do you know a Daniel Batton?”

I chuckled at her timid demeanor. “Of course I do. He’s my brother. He’s not here right now, though. What can I do for you?”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line and then a quick little breath. I frowned, thinking that maybe the woman had hung up. But then…

“Chris?”

I pulled the receiver away from my face and gave it a quizzical glare as though it could be blamed for giving away my identity to this strange person.

“Chris?” the voice asked again. It sounded tinny and distant so I held the phone back to my ear.

“Yes… Who’s this?” I said suspiciously.

“Oh!” It sounded like she was smiling. “Oh, Chris! You probably don’t remember me, but I used to be really good friends with Danny back in high school. It’s Emily. Emily Whitwell.”

I felt my mouth fall open a few notches as I stared at the blank wall on the opposite side of the room. Emily? The same Emily that used to give me hugs and let me tag along everywhere she and Danny went? The same Emily that I hadn’t seen or heard from in over ten years? The same Emily that Danny adored?

I swallowed. For some reason, my mouth had gone dry.

“Chris?”

I flinched and jumped back into the conversation. “Yes, sorry. I was just trying to remember. You wouldn’t be the Emily that tried to get into my brother’s pants, would you?” I forced my voice to sound teasing, and it worked. She laughed.

“Yes, that’s me. But that was a long time ago. I was just a silly school girl and he was so nice to me. I had such a terrible crush on him.” She sighed happily. I bit my tongue. I remembered Danny cried all night when she moved away and left us. I was eight years old.

“But how are you?” she asked excitedly. “I haven’t seen either of you in ages. You sound like you’re all grown up.”

“I’m fine,” I supplied, wondering why she was just getting into contact with us now after all these years. “I’m going to college and Danny has a job. It’s pretty good.”

“That’s wonderful.” She continued to chat with me, explaining her job in marketing and asking about my classes. “Well,” she said, changing her tone. I could tell she was finally getting the reason for her call. “I’ve been thinking about you both a lot recently. I was hoping to talk to Danny to see how he was doing and ask if I could invite myself to come visit you. I miss you two and it’s always been one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t keep in touch. I know Danny asked me not to, but it was so hard. I hope he won’t be angry at me for calling now.”

Danny asked her not to call? I didn’t understand that. He was devastated when she left. In fact… in fact it was shortly after she left that Danny started becoming less inhibited around me, kissing me and showing me the kinds of things we do all the time now.

I gave her the number to his office and then hung up after a few more minutes of reminiscing. I chewed my lip thoughtfully in the sudden silence of the room. I tried to continue reading the book I had borrowed from Danny’s shelf, but I couldn’t concentrate. So after a quarter hour of fruitless effort, I changed into my warm fleece tights and wind jacket, tugging on my gloves as I stepped out onto the landing and locked the apartment door behind me. My breath fogged out around me as I jogged down the steps and unchained my bike from the metal railing.

This bike was one of the more expensive things we owned. Danny bought it for me for my birthday last year. I joked about it becoming a tradition. I had finally given away the bike he gave me when I turned ten. It was too small and it didn’t even have any gears, but I still loved the freedom it gave me to fly down the streets with the power of my own legs, hearing the wind whistle past my ears. It had become a hobby of mine and I had a group of friends who enjoyed it too. We would often take off on holiday weekends and go ride some of the extreme trails in the area. I loved the thrill and the danger of it, but the best part was coming home to my brother and having him kiss better all the scrapes I got running into trees or crashing into rocks.

I stood on the pedals and built up some momentum before I sat down and settled into a smooth pace. I headed for the park to try to get my mind off my confusion about Emily. There’s a hike and bike trail there that’s really scenic, crossing over the river a few times. It’s easy to almost think you’re miles away from civilization except when you come to a gap in the tree and see the skyscrapers looming across the street. I went there now, hopping the curb by pulling up on the handlebars to cross the parking lot. The gravel crunched satisfactorily under my wheels as I smoothly transitioned to the packed dirt path. This trail wasn’t difficult by any means; I had done some that would be treacherous just to walk down, but it was relaxing.

It also held certain memories for me. I grinned as I passed the dense little alcove where Danny and I had made out one day when we both came here to go jogging. There weren’t any people around and he had pulled me aside into the bushes and kissed my silly until my knees went weak. It was probably the biggest risk Danny has taken to date. We aren’t open about our unusual relationship, so it was exhilarating for him to initiate something like that in public, heightening the danger. Normally the park is really crowded during the moderately cool days of spring and fall.

Today however, it was almost completely deserted. I chugged down a swallow of water from my hydration pack and leaned back on the seat, taking in the winter scenery. Most of the trees had lost their leaves and there was a fine dusting of white powdered snow over everything, making it feel pristine and pure. I took my time, pedaling slowly around the curves and bends in the trail, being careful over the icy bridge. I stopped midway and watched the dark water crawl by. A little family of ducks was huddled together for warmth.

Continuing on my way, I almost passed the guy without seeing him before I noticed there was even anyone sitting on the frost covered bench looking out over the river.

“Good morning,” he said, waving slightly as I biked past his post. His presence startled me a little, so I automatically slammed on the brakes, skidding along the ground for a few feet before coming to a perfectly balanced stop. I set my foot down.

“Hi,” I answered a bit stupidly.

He smiled and gestured to my bike. “It’s a bit cold to be riding that thing, isn’t it?”

I shrugged, smiling awkwardly back at the seated stranger. “Isn’t it a little cold to be freezing your ass on a frosty park bench?”

“Touché,” he said, grinning broadly. A quiet moment passed and then he stuck out his hand over the back of his seat. “My name’s Milo.”

“Chris,” I replied, shaking the offered hand. It was a bit clumsy since we both had gloves on, but for some reason, the touch made my stomach do a funny little flip.

“I’ve seen you here before doing all kinds of tricks on that bike of yours. You a professional or something?” He was being very friendly so I decided it wouldn’t do any harm to stay and talk to him.

“Nah, it’s just for fun.” I couldn’t control the blush that filled my cheeks and I hoped Milo interpreted it to be a reaction to the cold. “I like watching those guys on TV though. It’d be cool to be as good as them one day, but I just stick to recreation.” I came to a stop, feeling like I had said too much about myself.

Milo just nodded like he understood me completely. “That’s cool.”

“So,” I ventured, feeling uncomfortable. “Do you go to the school here?” He looked to be about my age. Maybe a year to two older.

“Yeah. Well,” he amended, “I will. I moved here too late in the fall to go last semester, but I’m registered now.” He told me where he was from originally and what he was majoring in. Turned out we would have an anatomy class together. I kind of had the inkling to become a physical trainer or something, and he wanted to go into medicine. We both ended up getting cold just sitting there talking though, so I got off my bike and walked it beside me as he joined me on the path.

Milo puffed out his cheeks and blew a breath of steam into the frigid air, pushing his hands deep into his pockets. “We don’t get this much snow where I’m from.”

I studied his face out of the corner of my eye as the conversation invariably turned toward the weather. He wasn’t what I would call handsome… nothing like Danny, anyway. He was actually kind of average looking. He had dull brown hair that didn’t have any particular style except short, and the ragged bangs fell forward into his face. His cheeks were round giving him a plump appearance, but the rest of him was skinny even under all those layers of clothes. His eyes were dark and unremarkable, and he had a funny shaped nose. It was thin and straight, but the tip turned out just a little at the end. It made me want to run my finger down in just so I could flick it off the end like a ski-jump. However, his mouth was wide and upturned, constantly smiling. It made those puffy cheeks of his crinkle a lot when he grinned. It was an infectious smile. He looked like the kind of person that was constantly cheerful.

We ended up walking the entire five mile loop back to the parking lot, talking the entire time. Once we got on the subject of his favorite emergency room drama, he got really enthusiastic about the characters and speculation for where the plot was headed. He used his hands too, gesticulating with them to emphasize his thoughts. I laughed, watching him. He was a funny guy.

“Well, here’s my ride,” Milo sighed, winding down from the high we had both reached laughing at the joke he had just told. He pulled out his keys and clicked the unlock button to a shiny silver sedan.

“Yeah, well I brought my ride with me.” I patted my trusty handlebars. “So I’m set.” I was planning on doing a few more laps anyway, but for some reason, I wanted to keep talking to Milo.

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at my bike. He stalled, glancing at his car a few feet away and then back at me. “Um,” he began, looking me in eye and shifting his feet nervously. His voice had changed from his usually confident air. “I hope this doesn’t sound weird but… would you like to get some hot chocolate with me? I found this great little place not too far from here… And it’d be warm…” He pulled anxiously at one of the zippers on his jacket, smiling almost like he was shy.

…Oh.

“Oh.” I blinked at him. I’m such an idiot. I think my face went completely blank. And all I could say was ‘oh’.

“Or coffee, if you prefer that. I hear they have great coffee too,” he rambled, sounding crestfallen.

“I don’t like coffee,” I automatically replied. I didn’t, however, say that I didn’t like hot chocolate. Why wasn’t I saying that I didn’t like hot chocolate too? Well, for one thing, it was a lie…

“So, cocoa then?” he smiled that goofy smile, eyes lighting up. He tentatively reached out and brushed some snow off my shoulder. It had started to fall again.

He was kind of close now. Closer than normal. Or was it normal to stand this close to someone you had just met? For some reason, I didn’t think so, and that only made the whole thing more complicated.

“Um,” I dithered. Finally, something clunked into place in my brain and I took a step back, effectively pulling myself away from his personal circle. “Look,” I started, “I’m sorry—”

Milo’s whole countenance changed. “No,” he interrupted, looking horribly embarrassed and apologetic. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry I was so forward. It was my fault for assuming… well, anyway. I guess I read you wrong.” He laughed skittishly. “Happens all the time.” His face was red. “I’ll, uh… I’ll see you in class, maybe, yeah? Okay, bye.” He grinned and waved as he backed quickly to his car, fumbling his keys.

I watched helplessly as he drove away, skidding a little on an icy patch as he turned onto the street and sped away.

~*~

“Hey,” Danny greeted me as I tramped in the door. I had spent all day riding my bike like mad, doing laps around the park and then up and down random city streets, just going, going as fast as I could, trying to outrun my confusion.

“Hi,” I answered, stripping out of my wet outer layer of clothes. The snow had gotten pretty thick over the last few hours and I was soaked.

“So I guess you know the good news?” my brother asked, getting up off the couch and coming towards me.

I kept my head down, pretending to be absorbed in the task of taking off my shoes. “Uh, yeah,” I mumbled. “I guess Emily got a hold of you.”

“She sure did. Man, it was great to hear from her again. It’s been forever. Hey… is something wrong?” Danny reached out and slid a finger under my chin, raising my head to look at my face. His sad blue eyes were turned up in concern.

I forced a smile onto my wind-chapped lips. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just want to take a hot shower. It’s pretty cold out there.” I shivered appropriately to illustrate my defense.

“Oh, okay. Then I’ll get dinner ready while you clean up. Something warm to eat?” He ran his thumb along my jaw and then sifted his fingers through my hair.

“Yeah, sounds great.” I grinned as I slipped out of his reach and darted around him to the bathroom. Danny was a really great cook, so I was genuinely looking forward to the meal. I kept telling him to quit his boring office job and start working as a fancy chef somewhere, but he won’t listen to me. He’s too practical.

Once I was safely alone behind the locked bathroom door, I sagged against it, feeling jittery. Why did I feel so guilty? It’s not like I had betrayed him or anything. I just talked to a guy in the park, made a new friend. There was nothing wrong with that, right? Although, I was pretty sure Milo was coming on to me there at the end. It was… he had been really sweet about it… I’ve never had that happen to me before. Almost everyone I know thinks I’m straight except my two closest friends, but they don’t blab about it. I get girls flirting with me now and then, so I know how to handle that. But this, this was… This was different. It almost felt… nice.

~*~

I closed my eyes and buried my face in Danny’s hair as he kissed his way down my naked chest. He gently took hold of my wrists and pinned them, using his forehead to press his weight against me, laying me down upon the bed. I sighed, letting my head fall back and relax, concentrating on the soft fluttering of his perfect lips against my warm skin. I lifted my knees up, rubbing his shoulders with my thighs and dragging one toe up his side. He shivered and glanced up at me, catching me as I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

Still looking at me, he kissed the line down the center of my abdomen towards the ultra pale trail of hair beneath my navel. He let go of my wrists and slipped his hands under the small of my back, making me arch up as he dragged his nose leisurely over the ridge of my hip.

I let one leg fall back slack against the mattress, bending it so I could press the pad of my bare foot against his nude body. With my hands free, I allowed my fingers to find their way back to his hair, stroking it slowly. I loved it when Danny treated me like this. Like I was the only other person in the world and he wanted nothing more than to love me all night long.

I bit my lip to hide my indrawn breath as I felt myself slide into the back of Danny’s throat. His warm hands soothed my hips into laying motionless as he caressed me with his mouth, pausing on every detail. He knew how to make my body sing.

He was careful, though, taking me only so far, only so close to the edge before he withdrew. I was liquid in his capable hands at this point and he tenderly turned me over, body limp and yielding. I shivered and moaned softly as I felt his wet tongue slither delicately against my most sensitive flesh, flicking inside me with perfectly timed precision, making me shudder.

I didn’t even realize I had been turned back around, laying flat on my back until Danny kissed the hollow of my throat and I felt the heat of his body hovering above my own. Without words, I raised my knees again and lifted my hips up off the bed as he slid a slim pillow under them. He cupped my face in his left hand as he used his right stretch and relax me. I couldn’t help a silly smile from shaping my lips as he did. I opened my eyes to slits so I could watch him. He watched me watching him, and we watched each other. I turned my head a fraction so I could capture his thumb lightly between my teeth. He smiled back at me, eyes dark and heated.

I released his thumb when the moment came, just in case I bit it off. My eyelids fluttered as he moved forward, against me, into me, filling me perfectly. I let out the breath I had been unconsciously holding when he paused, completely inside. He melted forward, sliding his lean forearms under my back and up to grip my shoulders, kissing my flushed face with hundreds of fleeting little touches. I fluidly slung my leg up around his hip, then the other, neatly clasping my ankles across one another against the small of his back. My arms felt heavy as I wrapped them around his neck.

Our lips met as we rolled our hips together, bodies undulating and skin shimmering.

I love you, I thought as I gasped and breathed against my brother’s mouth, cinching my fingers into his hair and tightening my legs around his waist to pull him closer. I love you so much. You are me and I am you. That will never change. Never. Forever, we’ll always be together. I love you…

…It was quiet now. The rushing in my ears had faded into a blissful silence, leaving only the faint hum of my sated body. Danny used a hand towel to diligently clean me off, then he maneuvered himself against my side and pulled me back into his chest. I clumsily twisted onto my side and bent my knees so he could curl himself in behind me, skin to skin like spoons. His arms were around me and I hugged them to my chest, kissing his knuckles before settling my head against his shoulder. He kissed the nape of my neck, blowing gently on the moistened area through his nose.

“Chrissy,” he whispered longingly. His hold on me intensified like he never wanted to let go. His kissed my shoulder, my hair, the ticklish spot behind my ear. All the while his embrace became painfully tight. I scrunched my eyes up as a lump formed in my throat.

Oh Danny, I wanted to say, Don’t ever let go of me. I belong in your arms. It’s the only place where I feel completely, unequivocally safe. Don’t ever let go.

~*~

The next morning, I woke up still encased in my brother’s arms. It was a Saturday, the last free weekend before term began, and Danny didn’t have to work today. I could tell he was already awake by the feel of his hold. His arms were like steel bands around me, keeping me warm and comfortable pressed against him instead of loose and slack and draped over me.

“Danny?” I asked quietly, voice throaty with sleep.

“Mmm?” He rubbed his cheek in my tousled hair.

“Hi,” I said shyly, smiling against his forearm.

He chuckled. “Hey.”

I rotated around to face him and our lips met. His fingers began tracing delicate patterns up and down my back. He knows this makes me writhe in delight, and he does it at the most inopportune times. I giggled and squirmed, hiding my face against his shoulder.

I’ve spent my entire life with Danny. He’s the only thing I know. He was my first memory, and I hope he’ll be my last.

“Stop!” I begged as his fingers wormed their way under my arms. He finally relented and beamed at me, grinning as I caught my breath. In revenge, I surged forward and kissed his bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth and biting it, growling like a puppy. I love making my brother laugh.

I sighed as we both settled down once more, staring into our matching blue eyes. “What are we going to do about Emily?” I asked, placing the palm of my hand over his heart.

Danny frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you said she was staying for three days. Where is she going to sleep? How are… where am I going to sleep? We only have one bed and no guestrooms.” I didn’t give voice to the worries that Emily might get suspicious of how we lived together.

~*~

I studied my class schedule as I walked down the crowded sidewalk, glancing up at the red brick buildings as I passed them, looking for the right one. Finally finding it, I veered off from the stream of excited students and jogged up the steps to go inside. Hugging my chest to fight off the last vestiges of the cold, I went down the hallway, checking the numbers above the doors. There were more students milling about here, and I saw a few I knew. They waved and asked about my Christmas. It was good, I replied. I neglected to tell them my brother had lathered me in whip cream and chocolate sauce with a cherry in my teeth and then devoured me inside and out.

Finding my classroom at last, I wandered just inside the door and then looked around for a seat. The professor was already at the computer clicking to his introductory powerpoint that was displayed on the pull down screen. Next to his name and the title of the course, “Anatomy 1311.1”, there was a diagram of one of those naked men with have their skin pulled back so you can see their bones and muscles. The strange thing is the artists always manage to leave out the reproductive bits. I laughed to myself as I thought about what the diagram guy would say if he could talk. Probably something like, “Hey! Give me a dick! There’s a poster of ‘The Stages of Pregnancy’ across the room from me! That doesn’t happen because of a stork, you know!”

A smile found its way across my face from the thought just as my eyes fell on Milo. He was looking over at me, but as soon as our gazes met, he quickly looked down at his shiny new text book, pretending to be absorbed in the cover picture which happened to be a blurred motion picture of a ballerina twirling gracefully. Her male partner was poised to catch her, sculpted body gracefully arched. Beneath those tights it was obvious he wasn’t missing any crucial bits of anatomy. I wondered which of the dancers Milo was looking at.

I decided to break the ice that had settled over us since he invited me to coffee and I went over to the empty seat next to him and sat down. “Hey,” I said with a grin, flopping my backpack on the lab counter. I hooked my feet in my stool and rested my elbows on the table. “How’s it going?” I pulled off my knitted beanie and shook out my hair, running my fingers through it a few times to comb it back from my face. I noticed Milo watch me out of the corner of his eye.

“Fine,” he answered. “You?” he asked hesitantly.

“Great.” I sighed and unzipped my fleece jacket. “Cold as hell, but at least it’s warm in here. I remember the heater in the history building went out last December and we had to sit there freezing to death through each boring lecture.”

Milo laughed a little hollowly. “That must have sucked.”

“Yeah, it did.” I smiled and then turned my attention to the professor who was speaking with a bored drawl to the class, not waiting for us to quiet down first. Eventually, everyone realized he had begun his lecture over the syllabus and the room fell into silence minus the odd cough or blowing of a nose now and then. It looked like this teacher was going to be pretty dull, and I sagged in my seat, resting my chin on my fist.

By the end of the class, Milo still hadn’t said anything to me, so I began quietly packing up my few things without looking at him, feeling down.

He stood next to me and slung his bag over his shoulder, moving out into the aisle. I kept my head down, watching him through my eye lashes as he hesitated. Milo turned slowly, but I pretended not to notice, continuing to slowly put away my folder and notes and zip my bag shut.

“Chris?”

I looked up carefully, keeping my face neutral.

“I’m sorry about the other day. I was really an idiot.” He studied his shoelaces, gripping the straps of his backpack convulsively.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I didn’t mind, I just didn’t have a chance to explain myself.”

He squinted at me, obviously confused.

“I’m living with someone,” I went on, trying not to sound cruel. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.” It would be nice, I thought, to have a friend that was like me. Someone I wouldn’t have to pretend around. Not that I ever pretended around my other friends, but I didn’t ever get to say anything about my relationship to them or how in love I was. Maybe Milo would be just what I needed. Someone to talk to that wouldn’t suddenly start fearing for their masculinity.

“Oh, okay,” he said, looking surprised. Then his face wrinkled up into a smile. “So, wait… I was right about you?”

I shrugged, grinning back at him. We both laughed.

~*~

I fidgeted on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table. Danny was sitting next to me reading a newspaper. I don’t know how he gets through those things without hanging himself of boredom. I always flip to the funnies and toss the rest of it.

Sighing, I wiggled my toes. There was still fluff on them from when I had pulled my socks off earlier when I got home from school. Since it was two weeks into the semester, I had homework, but I was too wound up to do it.

“When does she get here again?” I asked for the third time.

“Seven,” Danny answered patiently, again, for the third time.

I sighed, glancing at the clock. It was five thirty.

“Go for a ride or something. Emily won’t mind if you’re not here when she comes as long as she gets to see you later,” Danny said, turning his page.

I crossed my arms and slumped further down into the couch cushions. I flicked my eyes over to Danny, then back to my feet. Then back to Danny. I cleared my throat and whispered, “I know something else I can ride for an hour and a half…”

~*~

Danny bumped into my elbow, causing my hand to slip in my hair, getting shampoo in my eyes. “Dang it, Danny!”

“Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, this is all your fault,” he sniffed, leaning into the shower spray to wash the soap off his chest. I pushed him out of the way so I could rinse my stinging eyes.

“How is this my fault? You’re the one who wanted to cuddle for so long afterwards.” I scrubbed at my face, grimacing under the hot water.

“It’s your fault for getting me all hot and bothered and giving me that look. And besides, you’re extremely cuddly. I couldn’t help it.”

I groaned exasperatedly, quickly working conditioner through my hair as Danny stepped out of the shower. I managed to give his ass a smack before he could wrap a towel around it and he jerked, squeaking. “Damn it, Chirssy!” he shouted, slipping on the wet tile. I giggled insanely as he pulled the glass door closed in my face.

~*~

I threw the towel I had been using on my still damp hair in the general direction of the bathroom as the doorbell rang. Danny went to answer it, cursing under his breath as he tried to tuck his shirt in while walking to the door. I shook out one of my fashion t-shirts and yanked it over my head. It snagged on my moist shoulders and I tugged it down harshly to get it to lay right against my chest. I hitched up my sagging jeans and jogged into the main room, combing my hair back with my fingers just as Danny opened the door.

“Emily!” he said in greeting, holding out his arms. “Look at you!”

“Oh,” the young woman on the landing waved her gloved hand, looking flattered. “You always knew how to make me feel good, Danny,” she beamed, moving in for a hug.

I hung back slightly, observing them as they closed their eyes and squeezed each other in remembered friendship. Emily was dressed in a stylish looking knee-length denim skirt with tall boots and a gray wool coat tied about her waist. Her soft looking white scarf flapped against Danny’s side in the chilling breeze from outside. She looked different from how I remembered her. She seemed a lot smaller now, but then again, I was eight when I had last seen her. Everything is bigger when you’re a kid.

“Come inside,” Danny chided, finally pulling away from the long embrace and waving her in. She reached back behind herself to pull her rolling suitcase in and then Danny shut the door, cutting off the icy outdoor air. I had goosebumps rising up my exposed arms and my wet hair made me shiver.

Emily spotted me. “Oh my! It can’t be little Chrissy!” She smiled her rosy smile and came at me. Before I could protest, I was encased in perfumed wool as she hugged me too, practically choking me. I tentatively placed my hands on her sides, awkwardly patting her back a few times in a silent plea to have her release me.

She let go and practically radiated a blinding smile at me. “You look so different. So handsome now, just like your brother.” For some reason, I blushed and looked down at my still bare toes, folding my hands behind my back and twisting a little from side to side. Emily laughed. “Oh Danny, he’s just as cute as ever.” I proceeded to turn crimson and wallow silently as she and my brother began talking a mile a minute, catching up on the last ten years.

~*~

Milo reached across the small circular table where we were sitting and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Why so down?” he asked, giving me a concerned look with hound dog eyes. In the two weeks we had known each other, we had become fast friends, and easy contact like that was natural.

I glanced up at him glumly, idly stirring my steaming hot chocolate with my thin red straw. “My… partner’s old high school friend is visiting and she’s taking up all of his time. I just… I don’t know. I guess I’m jealous. She used to have a thing for him so I still don’t fully trust her even though I know it would be ridiculous for her to try anything.”

“How long is she staying?”

“Two more days. And the worst part is that she doesn’t know about us, so I’m camped out on the couch while she gets our bed. We can’t touch or kiss or act normal around her, and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Aww, you poor little horn dog. Life just isn’t fair, is it?”

Milo laughed when I leaned across the table to take a swat at his head. We giggled and pretended to hit each other until his hot chocolate spilled in a great dollop over the side of his styrofoam cup and we decided to leave before we made a mess of the little coffee shop.

I wrapped my scarf around my neck and sipped my drink as we walked down the sidewalk, relishing the warmth in my hands. Milo was oddly quiet for several blocks as we made our way back to the campus in time for our anatomy class. Finally, however, he broke the silence.

“Are you in love with him?”

I grinned at the question, thinking he was teasing. “Of course,” I said easily. But then I looked at his face and saw the saddened resignation there and I paused. Milo stopped too after a few paces, glancing back at me questioningly.

“What’s up?”

“Don’t give me that,” I said darkly, frowning. “Why did you ask me that?”

Milo closed his mouth around a gulp of hot chocolate and swallowed slowly. “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I guess I just wanted to know.” He was trying to play it off like it didn’t matter, but I knew better.

“Come on,” I said softly, walking closer and putting my hand on his arm. “What’s going on?”

Milo shrugged and tried to look away, but I kept moving into his line of sight until he sighed and stared at the ground between our shoes. “Well,” he said in a small voice, “You never tell me anything about him. I don’t even know his name. Whenever I say we should get together, you never want me to come over where you live, you always come to my place. It’s like he doesn’t exist or you’re ashamed of him or something. I just wanted to know if… if you were just blowing me off or something. Making up excuses. …But I know I’m being ridiculous, so just drop it.” Milo grimaced and turned away, holding his chocolate like a life preserver.

I trotted up behind him and placed my hand on his shoulder. I had to reach up to do so since he was about eight inches taller than me. “Do you want to meet him? Is that what this is about?”

“Sure,” he said, watching a flock of blackbirds swoop over our heads in a living cloud. They drifted up en masse and settled on the power lines across the street, little hunched figures with piercing breathy crackles. “I guess I would.”

“Well okay. You want to come over after class? I get done at five.”

Milo gazed with distant eyes at the watchful grackles, chewing on the rim of his cup. “Yeah, okay.”

After he agreed, we continued on our way like everything was normal. Like everything was just as it should be between to close friends. Like everything was…. In the shadow of a shop awning, Milo gently took hold of my arm and pulled me into a hug. Surprised, I stood stiffly in his arms, feeling his breath on my shoulder. Then he pulled away without a word and I didn’t say a thing.

~*~

“Hello?”

“Danny, it’s me. I have a huge favor to ask you.”

“Chrissy? What’s wrong? You sound panicked.”

“No, I’m okay. Listen. I, um… I have this friend that’s going to be coming over to our place tonight and… well, see, the thing is…. The thing is, we’re friends but I think he kind of has a crush on me, so he wanted to meet you since I told him I was living with someone but-he-doesn’t-know-that-we’re-brothers-so-you-can’t-say-anything-and-somehow-you-have-to-get-Emily-out-of-the-picture-because-she-knows-we’re-brothers-but-not-lovers-and—

“Chris! Chris, calm down. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Did you say Emily? She’s cooking dinner for us tonight. Her treat, she said. Did you want to invite a friend over too?”

I sighed, defeated. “Yes.”

~*~

“Hey!” Milo was practically bouncing as I walked up to him where we planned to meet at the fountain after classes. I smiled nervously at his huge grin. “So I finally get to meet your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, batting the brim of his baseball cap down into his face. He laughed and playfully punched me in the gut. I stole his hat and ran away, cackling madly. Several students milling around watched us as Milo chased me down the street.

He finally caught me and grabbed me around the waist, lifting me up into the air. My arms and legs flailed helplessly and I cried out for mercy. He dropped be back on the ground and I held out his hat as a peace offering. Instead of taking it from my hand, he grabbed my whole wrist and pulled me stumbling into his chest. Suddenly feeling awkward, I tilted my head back and looked up at him, feeling the smile slide off my face.

Milo looked down into my eyes with an expression that I couldn’t read. Somehow, his other arm had ended up wrapped around my shoulders loosely. It probably looked very intimate to casual passersby. I studied his face, his semi closed eyes, his messy hair dangling across his forehead, his funny shaped nose, …his delicately smiling lips…

I leaned forward, resting my hands on his chest and rising up on my toes. His lips parted and he drew in a soft breath, letting his head gravitate toward me…

“Chris? Oh my god, hi!” a screechy happy voice proclaimed from my left. I abruptly yanked myself back from Milo as he dropped his arms, looking caught red-handed. I turned swiftly to see my best friends Allie and Jacob coming toward us. Allie was positively sprinting at us, tugging on a reluctant Jacob’s hand where their fingers were intertwined.

“Allie!” I said in surprise, trying not to let my grin betray my terror. What had I just been about to do?

She rushed at me and gave me a rib crushing hug, kissing my cheek. Jacob sauntered up to her side and smirked at me. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t kiss you too, much as I know you want it.”

I laughed. “That’s right. I’ve been lusting after you since we were three years old.” Jacob and I often joked about this ever since I came out to them a few years ago in high school. Actually, I didn’t as much as come out to them as finally confirm their suspicions. They had taken bets, a memory that was still a sore spot for me.

Jacob clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and then pretended to punch my jaw. “So who’s this? Have you finally landed a boyfriend?” he asked, smiling kindly at Milo.

My heart leapt into my throat. My two friends knew I lived with my brother, but they were under the impression that I had remained single all these years. My mouth fumbled to do damage control because Milo was giving me a confused and suspicious look.

I laughed, pretending his statement had been a joke of no significance. “Nah, this is my new buddy Milo. We have a class together.”

“You sure he’s not your new beau?” Allie asked, eyeing him delightedly as Milo shook her hand. “It looked like you were about to—”

“Hey! So! What have you guys been up to? I haven’t seen you around lately?” I inserted loudly, staring back and forth between them with wide eyes and a huge false grin. Jacob coughed behind his hand and Allie’s face fell absurdly.

“Oh…” she said slowly. “Oh, right! We’ve… we’re doing great. You heard the good news, right?” She held out her left hand for me to see her sparkly new attachment to her ring finger. Of course I had seen it before and received a firsthand account of exactly how Jacob had proposed to her on Christmas morning, but I pretended to be fascinated anyway. Milo shuffled up next to me to lean over Allie’s hand, appropriately admiring it.

After introductions were made and several minutes of forced conversation later, my two best friends moved on to make their dinner reservations and Milo and I were left wandering silently down the sidewalk with our hands in our pockets. I could feel the questions he wanted to ask as if they were hanging in the air like cartoon thought bubbles, but I kept my head forward and didn’t speak.

Winding our way through the city streets, we came to me and Danny's apartment complex. I waved vaguely with my hand up the zigzagging stairs. “Well, this is it,” I said with a nervous laugh. My voice was jittery. Before I could lead the way up, however, Milo caught my arm, lightly holding me back.

“Chris.” He looked into my eyes with all seriousness. “Those people, your friends. They didn’t know you were involved with someone much less living with them. Please be honest with me. What’s going on?”

I backpedalled, trying to figure out a believable explanation to all this. “Oh, I just don’t really share my personal life with them that much. They always get really nosy about who I’m with and ask questions I don’t feel comfortable answering.” I stated that last sentence in a darker tone, hoping to get my point across that I didn’t want to discuss it.

Milo looked properly chastised because he nodded and turned his head away, eyes downcast. I turned up the stairs and he followed closely behind me. Before I could move to open the door, he caught my elbow.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have said that to you. It’s obvious that you don’t talk about yourself much. It was wrong of me to jump to conclusions.”

And yet so correct, I thought sadly. But instead I replied, “No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Inside, Danny followed my directions precisely and greeted me with a chaste kiss out of sight of Emily. My eyes scoured the apartment for her as he pulled away, and I heard her talking to herself in the kitchen. It sounded like she was reading off recipe instructions.

“Danny, this is my friend Milo. Milo, my boyfriend Danny.” I spoke quietly in case Emily heard me use the word boyfriend instead of brother.

“Hi.” They shook hands. “Chris has told me a lot about you,” Danny said while smiling kindly. This was actually not very true. I hadn’t mentioned anything to him about Milo until earlier that day on the phone, frantic about what we were going to do.

“Oh, nothing too horrible I hope,” Milo quipped, blushing shyly.

Danny snared his arm around my neck and dragged me into his side, rubbing my scalp with his knuckles. I laughed, trying to push him away. “Nah,” he said. “The usual. Ritual animal slaughters, etc.”

That got Milo to laugh. Danny was actually pretty good with people when he tried. I smiled as I watched them interact. Milo slowly became more relaxed as he shed his coat and sat in the armchair next to us. I curled up against Danny’s side on the sofa, feeling warm and confident that our plan really was going to work. However, as I sat there listening to their polite chatter, my mind began to wander. Did I like Milo? Well, yeah. He was the first gay friend I’d ever had, besides my own brother of course. Was I attracted to him? …I guess I was, in a way. He wasn’t handsome like Danny, but… he was cute. Which was extremely odd because I’ve never been attracted to anyone else before except beautiful celebrities that I’ll never meet.

But maybe this was simply my inexperience coming through. I regretted what I had been about to do outside on the street. I didn’t want to cheat on Danny. Ever. I love him. He’s my world, my brother. He’s perfect. So why had I had the urge to kiss Milo?

“Chrissy?”

I jerked, snapping my eyes over to Danny. He was looking at me with brows raised. Apparently he had said my name several times to get my attention. “Huh?” I said intelligently. He nodded at someone standing in front of me and I looked cluelessly up at Emily. Emily? …Crap! I unattached myself from Danny’s side and scooted away, straightening up and clearing my throat.

Emily tittered at me. Then I noticed she was holding a tray of hors d’oeuvres. “Want one?”

“Sure!” I said with an inappropriate amount of gusto, snatching one of the little cracker-ish things. I stuffed it into my mouth whole and grinned up at her. She reached out and ruffled my hair.

“Dinner’s almost ready.” I nodded agreeably, giving her the thumbs up since my mouth was full of something that tasted absolutely awful. She definitely wasn’t as good a cook as Danny, that was certain. I waited until her back was turned, talking to Milo, before I grabbed an old newspaper off the coffee table and discreetly wiped my mouth with it, spitting out whatever it was Emily had made. Danny leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“You’re so bad. At least wait until she’s in the kitchen.”

I gave him an appropriately meek look as I crumpled up the paper. Milo caught my eye and he smiled around Emily’s waist.

A half hour later when Emily called us into the kitchen and dining area, I was really starting to get nervous. I sat down next to Danny on the opposite side of the table from Milo and Emily, smoothing my napkin in my lap. I was about to dig in when Emily asked if Milo would like to say grace.

Grace? What the—?

Danny pinched my leg under the table, making me drop the fork I had been about to plunge into my burnt looking meatloaf. He cleared his throat to hide the clatter it made as the other two clasped their hands and bent their heads. I hastened to copy them, not sure if I was doing it right. I remembered seeing families do this in movies, but I didn’t think real people actually did this sort of thing.

Milo droned on for a bit, reciting something that sounded vaguely familiar, then we were finally allowed to eat. I cast Danny a grumpy look for pinching my leg, but he just smiled and busied himself with his meal.

“So Chris,” Emily began, drawing my attention. “You’ve been gone all day so I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you yet. Tell me what’s been going on. The last time I saw you, you were still clinging to Danny and hiding behind his leg.”

Sweat immediately beaded on my forehead and I glanced at Milo. He was still staring down at his plate, but he had frozen. Beside me, Danny shifted in his seat.

“Ah, things are good. I… I’m thinking about getting my degree in physical therapy or something so I can be a personal trainer.”

“Oh that sounds exciting. Danny told me you’ve become completely reckless at mountain biking.”

I flushed and laughed. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“So,” she went on, suddenly smiling in that way that girls do when they are about to dole out juicy gossip. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Milo shoved his chair back, eyes wide and jaw set. We all turned our heads toward him and he stared back at us. His face was a strange mixture of confusion and anger.

“D-did I say something wrong?” Emily asked apologetically, looking bewildered. “Oh,” she said at once before anyone could say anything. “Oh, are you like Danny too? Is Milo your—”

“No,” Milo cut her off, glaring at me. “I’m not.”

Danny carefully set his glass down and spoke to Milo. “Look—”

“No,” Milo said again, standing up. His napkin fell to the floor. “No, you look. You are obviously hiding something. I’m sorry Chris, but something IS going on. First your friends outside and now this? Maybe I’m wrong, but this is just too weird. What’s the deal?”

“What on earth are you talking about?” Emily looked back and forth between all three of us.

~*~

“Shh,” Danny murmured into my ear as I cried on his shoulder. He rubbed my back and rocked me gently, kissing my hair over and over. “Shh, it’s going to be okay.”

I wanted to reply that it wasn’t, but all that could escape my throat was a sob. I love you. I don’t care what they say, I still love you.

Danny held me tight against his chest and kissed my temple. “Shhhh.”

I buried my face harder against his warm neck, wiping my nose on the back of my hand.

They were gone.

And our secret was out.