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loverz116 β paper heart
Published: 2010-02-07 21:39:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 584; Favourites: 18; Downloads: 3
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Description
i offer my heart but you refuse to loveit because
"your heart is too ugly for me to love."
i can't wrap my head around that a heart can be
unattractive. but i am desperate for
your love. i say
"then you can make it beautiful."
you shake your head hard and long and
there is my answer. you claim
"but your heart is not worth it. you are
not worth it."
i can't say anything to that. absently, i nod,
hold my now breathless heart close to my chest
as i would to a infant.
the gap shaped only for a heart is empty.
i can't let anyone see my ugly heart now.
they might declare me unworthy just as
you did so easily.
i take a red marker, draw a life sizeΒ heart on a white
blank paper, leaving not one speck of ashen in my
new scarlet heart, rest it into the gap,
a n d s t a r t t o h o p e f o r t h e f u c k i n g b e s t.
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Comments: 33
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Hi! It's Kipper here from #project-improve I thought I'd drop by to give you some feed back on this piece, sorry it's taken a while for us to get round to everything!
I'd like to start of by saying I really enjoyed this poem, I know many people would take issue with the lack of capitalisation, but I personally feel like it's not such a big deal, particularly with freer poetry.
I like the repetition of heart, it makes the heart the central image and theme of the poem, also I don't really think there's a good synonym for it.
One slight change I would be tempted to make is that you change your use of pronoun from 'you' to 'he' quite abruptly towards the end of the poem. I would be tempted to stick to you the entire way through to make the whole thing seem more immediate.
I really like the general innocence of the poem which is then contrasted with the expletive at the end, this creates a great juxtoposition and also shows how the narrative voice of the poem changes through the action.
The only other thing I would suggest is a slight reworking of the last stanza, I feel like the repetition of red and white is a little dense, I think you could make more of a statement with this stanza if you reworded slightly.
I'd also consider spacing the whole last phrase 'and start to hope for the fucking best'. I think both visually and in terms of emphasis, this section could pack a larger punch if there was a rest between the two sections.
These are just a couple of my personal opinions so please feel free to just ignore them! I hope they are helpful. Thanks for posting to project-improve, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in the future!
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this is amazing feedback.
i really appreciate it all
and after reading it, i did
make some changes to the poem.
thanks so much, lovely!
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It's a sad but beautiful piece 
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the girl hears you...
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This is so amazing 
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^_^ aww! thank you so much.
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You're welcome. (:
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I love this alot. I agree with the proper placement of 'fucking', it couldn't have been put better for more abrupt emotion.
And if you would've used 'heart' less it wouldn't have been as good.
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thanks so much
for your upbeat
comment.
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the way you use "fucking" in the last sentence is really quite marvelous
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haha. thank you!
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indeed. but she doesn't realize that.
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