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Description
..

My soul is dying trapped in delusions
and I can only watch my lost salvation
outside the room of non-existing walls
that are more solid than a stone ..

I'm nothing now .. I'm just another lost ..

What was my life?.. a play to watch
for stars of heaven?
or meanless game that had no end?..

it doesn't matter now ..
and did it matter then?..

I was an artificial star
and others closed me in a box
to hide my shining ..

so darkness went into my essence ..
I turned blind ..

and now I see no light
I'm blind to it ..

I am in deepest sleep
and trying hard to move
and turn on lamp of my salvation ..
but my soul was closed
in moveless body like in coffin ..

am I dead?..
and will I ever wake up from this nightmare?..

no matter how I try ..

I can only wait
till morning brings me salvation of the Light ..

I may wait for ages .. but I know it will come ..

........ ........ ........ .......... ............ . . . . .. . . .

Well, I know it's a strange piece .. Last days I had doubts to show it here or not .. anyway I also had to write some explanation to some things about it, because only I could really understand the words I had written to it ..

Lately I had several times quite the same dream .. I woke up in the night and wanted to turn on the light, but I couldn't .. I tried to turn from one side to another where the lamp was but always found myself still lying on the same side facing the wall .. I tried to turn again and spread my hands to the switch, I felt my fingers on it, I felt how I was pushing it, but nothing happened next .. I was still in darkness .. a moment later I understood that it all was in a dream .. a dream in a dream .. many times I had tried and then found myself lying still like it was at first .. I tried to call for someone to turn on the main light, but I lost my voice .. I was scared .. everything was so real and it was absolutely as if I just had woken up in reality, but it was still just a dream .. I felt like my soul was chained to the body but couldn't control it at all ..

in the first time I had this dream I couldn't really wake up till I could feel the first morning light outside my window .. I didn't even see it because it was hidden by the curtains, but I felt the sky becoming lighter, and I think that most probably my soul could see it through the curtains .. I woke up and finally turned on the light in reality ..

Long time ago there was something very similar .. I had the fear of the dark and I couldn't fall asleep till the first morning light ..

I didn't have that fear since I was born, it was given to me .. it was given to me because of my mother and I couldn't help it .. one night when I was a child my mother was watching some thriller on TV .. it was about psycho who had a lot of keys and could unlock almost any door .. so he found lonely young women and killed them .. I was afraid of it terribly and I asked my mother to turn it off many times but she did not .. at the final scene when the psycho came to the flat of some girl and was going to kill her I was most scared and I just begged my mother to turn it off .. she said it was most interesting moment, she said it was coming to an end, she said she wouldn't turn it off till the end ..

the film had happy end, but it was too late .. since that night I had terrible fear of the dark, I was not scared of the dark itself I think but I was scared of what was inside of it .. even in a halflight or when I was alone in the room and there was some film on tv that had just a little of the 'dark' mood I felt terrible, I couldn't move, I felt like I was tearing apart by demons ..

it was the same feeling when I couldn't fall asleep all the night .. with all the light in the room on I was waiting till the dawn and only then I could fall asleep peacefully .. I felt the demons were gone ..

I had to work a lot to get rid of this fear, but now I feel like I have it back ..

these strange dreams scare me .. but the picture I think is not only about ordinary fear of the dark (though I can't say that my fear is quite ordinary), it's all about my life .. it's about how I want and try hard to change it, but I just can't ..

I'm chained to this life, I chained to the place that I don't like at all, I can't live my life as I like, but I also can't leave it .. The Room of non-existing walls is this material world that I would never believe is the main, but how strongly it keeps me here .. just like my soul in these half-awaken dreams is chained to the body and can't leave it .. but the most terrible thing still is that I don't have the power to control it .. I can't control my life ..

I had a lot of problems since I was born .. How could I help them then? I couldn't .. and now I have them more and more and with every day .. I lose my strength to fight with them ..

I was the Light, but how was it taken from me? they had placed the darkness inside my soul, and it grew .. I turned blind to the light of dim earthy lamps, I don't see it because of the darkness in my eyes, and only bright sunlight of the Dawn can help me ..

Lately I was in depression because of the problems with my computer .. I decided to listen to some U2 albums (it usually helps) .. one of them was 'War' (not because of the last events I think, I just like it), and I was thinking a lot why I liked so much the song 'Drowning Man' from that album .. and I think I know why .. I'm drowning myself, I'm drowning all my life, and I can't help myself ..

I know it .. I was drowning in reality once .. I tried hard but I couldn't help it ..

No one cares when you're underwater .. most haven't even noticed it, the others think you're diving and exploring the bottom .. You're trying to get out, you're just one head distance to the air, but you have no strength to go through it ..

I was lying there .. on the bottom .. I closed my eyes .. I thought the water would bring me up .. few moments passed .. I thought I was somewhere in the middle level of water .. I looked around and saw small pieces of dirty bottom coming up just beside my head .. I thought 'How can I lie in this dirt that I would never dare touch even with bare foot?!' and I jumped .. I jumped to the life buoy with all my strength, but I still couldn't reach it ..

My friend saved me then .. she pulled me from the water holding my hair ..

So now I'm drowning inside myself, I'm drowning in the darkness that is inside me .. the walls are around and only small narrow window to see the world outside and I can't cry for the help, these walls are soundproof .. I can try hard, but it never helps, and the darkness fills the room with every minute .. soon my Light will be totally killed by it ..

I was thrown down to the bottom when I couldn't swim .. How can I learn to swim when I'm underwater? What can I do to save myself? Nothing ..

I was given the Light, I was given the wings, but where can I fly? I'm closed and my Light is slowly dying because of the darkness that seems to be much stronger ..

So it goes through all my life .. I'm fighting with my problems, but I can never solve them if someone else doesn't help me ..

Sometimes I think that I'm most unhappy person in the world, I fall in deepest depression and I just want to die, but I still believe in the Dawn that will come someday and give me the Light of Salvation .. so sometimes I don't think I'm that unhappy, I think I'm lucky enough, because I may have most terrible problems that I just can't solve, but always someone appears to help me .. it's like the Light that comes after any Night .. if I didn't believe in it I don't think I would be alive now .. I don't know if anyone had such darkness as I have all my life .. not all people can understand me .. some say I just don't try to change my life, but they're wrong .. I can try, but I can't do anything when the Light inside of me turns off ..

What more can I say? I think you're tired already of this description ..

Maybe just a little about creation ..

You know I didn't have computer last weeks, so I created this at work .. as always I used person from fantasy/surreal picture instead of myself .. This strange angel was taken from the picture by Gil Bruvel, the statue of almost fallen angel by Michael Parkes, for the room itself I used architectural ornaments from CD I had, I built the room from several elements, the main wall (it was covered with other transparent elements later) I made from texture I created myself (actually from butterfly's wing, but it was absolutely destroyed with filters), the stairs were taken from Camelot Illustrations (the only I could find), and all other elements I took from everywhere on computers .. I didn't think I would finish it in a day, I thought I'd just add all elements and work on lighting later, but I did everything at once .. that's why maybe I didn't work on it that properly .. I know how terrible reflection of the leaf looks, but at first there was just smooth floor, only later I added some kind of water (representing the flood of darkness), so now I know it looks a bit wrong .. I can't say exactly what every element means, but I'm sure there is nothing meanless in that room ..

As always just after creating the picture I absolutely couldn't consider what meaning it had, I could understand it only few days later ..

I know that it is not most of the perfect, but I still like it ..

Hope you'll like it too ..

..

Description
..

My soul is dying trapped in delusions
and I can only watch my lost salvation
outside the room of non-existing walls
that are more solid than a stone ..

I'm nothing now .. I'm just another lost ..

What was my life?.. a play to watch
for stars of heaven?
or meanless game that had no end?..

it doesn't matter now ..
and did it matter then?..

I was an artificial star
and others closed me in a box
to hide my shining ..

so darkness went into my essence ..
I turned blind ..

and now I see no light
I'm blind to it ..

I am in deepest sleep
and trying hard to move
and turn on lamp of my salvation ..
but my soul was closed
in moveless body like in coffin ..

am I dead?..
and will I ever wake up from this nightmare?..

no matter how I try ..

I can only wait
till morning brings me salvation of the Light ..

I may wait for ages .. but I know it will come ..

........ ........ ........ .......... ............ . . . . .. . . .

Well, I know it's a strange piece .. Last days I had doubts to show it here or not .. anyway I also had to write some explanation to some things about it, because only I could really understand the words I had written to it ..

Lately I had several times quite the same dream .. I woke up in the night and wanted to turn on the light, but I couldn't .. I tried to turn from one side to another where the lamp was but always found myself still lying on the same side facing the wall .. I tried to turn again and spread my hands to the switch, I felt my fingers on it, I felt how I was pushing it, but nothing happened next .. I was still in darkness .. a moment later I understood that it all was in a dream .. a dream in a dream .. many times I had tried and then found myself lying still like it was at first .. I tried to call for someone to turn on the main light, but I lost my voice .. I was scared .. everything was so real and it was absolutely as if I just had woken up in reality, but it was still just a dream .. I felt like my soul was chained to the body but couldn't control it at all ..

in the first time I had this dream I couldn't really wake up till I could feel the first morning light outside my window .. I didn't even see it because it was hidden by the curtains, but I felt the sky becoming lighter, and I think that most probably my soul could see it through the curtains .. I woke up and finally turned on the light in reality ..

Long time ago there was something very similar .. I had the fear of the dark and I couldn't fall asleep till the first morning light ..

I didn't have that fear since I was born, it was given to me .. it was given to me because of my mother and I couldn't help it .. one night when I was a child my mother was watching some thriller on TV .. it was about psycho who had a lot of keys and could unlock almost any door .. so he found lonely young women and killed them .. I was afraid of it terribly and I asked my mother to turn it off many times but she did not .. at the final scene when the psycho came to the flat of some girl and was going to kill her I was most scared and I just begged my mother to turn it off .. she said it was most interesting moment, she said it was coming to an end, she said she wouldn't turn it off till the end ..

the film had happy end, but it was too late .. since that night I had terrible fear of the dark, I was not scared of the dark itself I think but I was scared of what was inside of it .. even in a halflight or when I was alone in the room and there was some film on tv that had just a little of the 'dark' mood I felt terrible, I couldn't move, I felt like I was tearing apart by demons ..

it was the same feeling when I couldn't fall asleep all the night .. with all the light in the room on I was waiting till the dawn and only then I could fall asleep peacefully .. I felt the demons were gone ..

I had to work a lot to get rid of this fear, but now I feel like I have it back ..

these strange dreams scare me .. but the picture I think is not only about ordinary fear of the dark (though I can't say that my fear is quite ordinary), it's all about my life .. it's about how I want and try hard to change it, but I just can't ..

I'm chained to this life, I chained to the place that I don't like at all, I can't live my life as I like, but I also can't leave it .. The Room of non-existing walls is this material world that I would never believe is the main, but how strongly it keeps me here .. just like my soul in these half-awaken dreams is chained to the body and can't leave it .. but the most terrible thing still is that I don't have the power to control it .. I can't control my life ..

I had a lot of problems since I was born .. How could I help them then? I couldn't .. and now I have them more and more and with every day .. I lose my strength to fight with them ..

I was the Light, but how was it taken from me? they had placed the darkness inside my soul, and it grew .. I turned blind to the light of dim earthy lamps, I don't see it because of the darkness in my eyes, and only bright sunlight of the Dawn can help me ..

Lately I was in depression because of the problems with my computer .. I decided to listen to some U2 albums (it usually helps) .. one of them was 'War' (not because of the last events I think, I just like it), and I was thinking a lot why I liked so much the song 'Drowning Man' from that album .. and I think I know why .. I'm drowning myself, I'm drowning all my life, and I can't help myself ..

I know it .. I was drowning in reality once .. I tried hard but I couldn't help it ..

No one cares when you're underwater .. most haven't even noticed it, the others think you're diving and exploring the bottom .. You're trying to get out, you're just one head distance to the air, but you have no strength to go through it ..

I was lying there .. on the bottom .. I closed my eyes .. I thought the water would bring me up .. few moments passed .. I thought I was somewhere in the middle level of water .. I looked around and saw small pieces of dirty bottom coming up just beside my head .. I thought 'How can I lie in this dirt that I would never dare touch even with bare foot?!' and I jumped .. I jumped to the life buoy with all my strength, but I still couldn't reach it ..

My friend saved me then .. she pulled me from the water holding my hair ..

So now I'm drowning inside myself, I'm drowning in the darkness that is inside me .. the walls are around and only small narrow window to see the world outside and I can't cry for the help, these walls are soundproof .. I can try hard, but it never helps, and the darkness fills the room with every minute .. soon my Light will be totally killed by it ..

I was thrown down to the bottom when I couldn't swim .. How can I learn to swim when I'm underwater? What can I do to save myself? Nothing ..

I was given the Light, I was given the wings, but where can I fly? I'm closed and my Light is slowly dying because of the darkness that seems to be much stronger ..

So it goes through all my life .. I'm fighting with my problems, but I can never solve them if someone else doesn't help me ..

Sometimes I think that I'm most unhappy person in the world, I fall in deepest depression and I just want to die, but I still believe in the Dawn that will come someday and give me the Light of Salvation .. so sometimes I don't think I'm that unhappy, I think I'm lucky enough, because I may have most terrible problems that I just can't solve, but always someone appears to help me .. it's like the Light that comes after any Night .. if I didn't believe in it I don't think I would be alive now .. I don't know if anyone had such darkness as I have all my life .. not all people can understand me .. some say I just don't try to change my life, but they're wrong .. I can try, but I can't do anything when the Light inside of me turns off ..

What more can I say? I think you're tired already of this description ..

Maybe just a little about creation ..

You know I didn't have computer last weeks, so I created this at work .. as always I used person from fantasy/surreal picture instead of myself .. This strange angel was taken from the picture by Gil Bruvel, the statue of almost fallen angel by Michael Parkes, for the room itself I used architectural ornaments from CD I had, I built the room from several elements, the main wall (it was covered with other transparent elements later) I made from texture I created myself (actually from butterfly's wing, but it was absolutely destroyed with filters), the stairs were taken from Camelot Illustrations (the only I could find), and all other elements I took from everywhere on computers .. I didn't think I would finish it in a day, I thought I'd just add all elements and work on lighting later, but I did everything at once .. that's why maybe I didn't work on it that properly .. I know how terrible reflection of the leaf looks, but at first there was just smooth floor, only later I added some kind of water (representing the flood of darkness), so now I know it looks a bit wrong .. I can't say exactly what every element means, but I'm sure there is nothing meanless in that room ..

As always just after creating the picture I absolutely couldn't consider what meaning it had, I could understand it only few days later ..

I know that it is not most of the perfect, but I still like it ..

Hope you'll like it too ..

..