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LunaRota — The Key
Published: 2005-01-12 23:53:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 75; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
Behind such shadowed eyes of brown can beAnother world and such a mind that stirs
By what means can I come to find a key
To unlock your love to see what now blurs?
These deep subconscious thoughts I never grasp
The moment of your smile I see present
Wonderful, this love, our love that we clasp
Speak three heart felt words and I am pleasant.
I long to hear, but save them on your tongue
Till your euphoria you can't express
Then speak the words that ever remain young
For what can never be said, they attest.
The love now only just unlocked I find
I've merely seen the key hole to your mind.
Comments: 4
with regards to the structured sonnet form, there are places where you've fallen off-meter ("ta-DUM, ta-DUM" for iambic pentameter) and there's no volta . sonnets were meant to uncover something new about their subject. see any of Shakespeare's 154. the "volta" happens between the octet and the sestet, where something is revealed. you see the subject from a different angle, or relate to it in a fresh way. then the rhyming couplet should wrap it up and bring it to a neat little close, like a bow on a gift-wrapped present.
you need those 2 things before you even start to worry about the meter or rhyme scheme. so all i can suggest right now is to take a deeper look, or just try writing this from a different perspective.
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it's not supposed to be perfect meter, just cause like.. i am seriously not that advanced. i mean we went over what you are talking about in um.. Literacy, but like... if you're not like... advanced, it's really hard to tell what's up and down and i'm iamb or a...some other word- i forgot, but it's an iamb with the stresses backwards. And yes, sonnets have voltas- thanks for the vocab word. Um, in my couplet there really isn't a volta, but i don't think it's 100% necessary to have one to make it a sonnet. I'm not sure though. Um..and i like my meter...and rhyme scheme... i mean i went by total sonnet rhyme scheme..and the iambs are the meter. so i may not have the boy on top of a gift wrapped present, but i think it's at least a stick on bow.
thanks for your comment. i love learning about stuff i actually care about.
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advanced, shmadvanced.
if you ever need to look stuff up, especially in regards to poetry, check out http://en.wikipedia.org . very in-depth.
and if you ask me (which nobody does!) the only way to become "advanced" is to read. read read read. and then write. try some new forms.
write more sonnets. it'll get easier the more you get used to the form. then you can screw around with the meter all you want.
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Mm..I really like the meaning of this poem, it's really heartfelt, and you get your point across well.
Good job
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