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MagesHope — You
Published: 2004-04-23 20:44:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 59; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 11
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Description
My palms are sweatyMy heart's beating fast
I see you walk
Through the crowd
Headed my way
I can't stop staring
My eyes are drawn to you
From any way I look
I brush the hair from my face
To get a clearer view
You are moving closer
I start to get nervous
Do I look okay
What do I say
I wonder as I smile
You brush past me
Smile back but
Completely ignore me
Continue on your way
Why?
As my eyes follow you
I see you look back at me
While you walk
A strange look in your eye
A look like...what?
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Comments: 7
hehe, this is a very interesting poem indeed!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hey, cool poetry. Never could do poems myself.
aaah.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Wow, this is so totally what's happening to me!!!! You really captured the feeling of confusion. I heart it.
Just some suggestions:
I like to eliminate some pronouns, make it less prose, more poetry. That may make it more sharp and crisp.
Change "Why" to "Why?"
I also suggest taking out the final "what?" and placing a better word there.
Over all, good job! 7/10
👍: 0 ⏩: 1