HOME | DD

Description
She sat across from me, her face tried to hide was she thought, though she couldn’t hide it. Every two weeks, she tried harder, but she didn’t know what to tell me. At first, I think she wondered if I was trying to push her, see what she’d believe. Yet, as the sessions went on, something changed, she no longer said much. She admitted she didn’t know how to respond to what I said. “Tell me, be honest, how many of the people you see tell you the things that I do. How many of them tell you about the things they remember, how vividly they remember them. How many of them tell you about the colours, the music?” I asked.
“I don’t think that’s important.” She said.
“Is it not important, or are you just to afraid to tell me the truth?” I responded, and her eyes looked away from mine, they fell to the floor. “That’s what I thought.”
“It isn’t fair for you to do that to me.” She said, still unable to look at me.
“What’s not fair is confessing to someone what is really inside their head, how alone they feel, and they never know what to say. They never know how to comfort me.” I said. My eyes never left her face.
“What do you want me to say?” She asked.
“I don’t want you to say anything that isn’t true. I don’t want you to tell me what you think I want to hear, or what you think you’re supposed to say. I already know why you don’t understand, I already know why I’m so alone.” I said. We went for awhile without saying anything.
“Where do you see yourself in 20 years?” She asked me, and I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not.
"I barely know if I’m going to make it to next week, let alone that far." I replied. She sat up, more serious, she actually wanted me to answer. "Fine. I see myself somewhat where I am now. I won’t have my own place, but with roommates. I probably still won’t make enough to be on my own. I doubt I’ll still have my cat, that’s sad. I’m willing to bet I’ll still be alone. I might have more friends, but I doubt I’ll hang out with them much."
"Does that make you happy?"
"No, but it doesn’t make me sad either."
"Why do you want so badly to be with someone?"
"Because, I want to know that I’m not alone. That someone can actually feel how I feel things."
"I bet you will be an amazing other half of someone." She said.
I looked at her, I almost laughed. “I don’t think so, as much as I want it, I don’t things would go well.”
"Why is that?"
"Could you imagine being with someone like me? Someone who feels the things I do, as intensely as I do. Someone who remembers everything you say. You would hate it." I said.
"I…I don’t know. I’m sure someone will love it. Will love you." Her eyes looked sad as she it, almost like she didn’t believe her own words. I didn’t say anything back, I looked at the clock, another half hour to go.
Five minutes of silence passed, “What type of person do you see yourself with?” She asked.
"I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it. I think I want too many things to make it an actual possibility."
"What kinds of things do you want then?"
"I want someone who wants me on the same level as I want them. That just because they have me, they never stop pursuing me. I hate how people get lazy once they have someone else, they stop taking them out, stop flirting with them. We still surprise each other, and are spontaneous. I can have serious talks with, but still wrestle around. I don’t want someone who while we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie is texting someone else, and they’re sending pictures of themselves to him. I don’t want someone who says things, then doesn’t remember them. I don’t want to think something is there when it really isn’t" I started to cry.
"Maybe you need more than one person"
"Maybe, but that’s more people I’d have to meet and get to know. Highly unlikely that will happen."
"The online thing works pretty well I hear."
"That’s a lot of work. You know what else I don’t want. I don’t want someone who hides things. Who just randomly decides they’re bored, you’re waiting for them and then you hear their car start and they take off, then not come back for five hours." I started rambling, "Or, someone who can’t hold your hand in front of their friends. Someone who can’t even admit how they feel. Can’t even say you’re theirs. They don’t even want you around their friends. I want someone who wants to go out sometimes, but also doesn’t mind hanging out and just watching a movie. That maybe somewhere down the road could stand living together." I said, out loud, instantly wishing I hadn’t.
"You sound afraid."
"I thought that was already obvious." After a bit more idle chat, she got serious.
"I’m worried I won’t be able to find someone who will be able to help. You have a lot to talk about, a lot of which no one seems to be able to help with" she said.
"I know, but it can’t hurt to try." I said.

Description
She sat across from me, her face tried to hide was she thought, though she couldn’t hide it. Every two weeks, she tried harder, but she didn’t know what to tell me. At first, I think she wondered if I was trying to push her, see what she’d believe. Yet, as the sessions went on, something changed, she no longer said much. She admitted she didn’t know how to respond to what I said. “Tell me, be honest, how many of the people you see tell you the things that I do. How many of them tell you about the things they remember, how vividly they remember them. How many of them tell you about the colours, the music?” I asked.
“I don’t think that’s important.” She said.
“Is it not important, or are you just to afraid to tell me the truth?” I responded, and her eyes looked away from mine, they fell to the floor. “That’s what I thought.”
“It isn’t fair for you to do that to me.” She said, still unable to look at me.
“What’s not fair is confessing to someone what is really inside their head, how alone they feel, and they never know what to say. They never know how to comfort me.” I said. My eyes never left her face.
“What do you want me to say?” She asked.
“I don’t want you to say anything that isn’t true. I don’t want you to tell me what you think I want to hear, or what you think you’re supposed to say. I already know why you don’t understand, I already know why I’m so alone.” I said. We went for awhile without saying anything.
“Where do you see yourself in 20 years?” She asked me, and I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not.
"I barely know if I’m going to make it to next week, let alone that far." I replied. She sat up, more serious, she actually wanted me to answer. "Fine. I see myself somewhat where I am now. I won’t have my own place, but with roommates. I probably still won’t make enough to be on my own. I doubt I’ll still have my cat, that’s sad. I’m willing to bet I’ll still be alone. I might have more friends, but I doubt I’ll hang out with them much."
"Does that make you happy?"
"No, but it doesn’t make me sad either."
"Why do you want so badly to be with someone?"
"Because, I want to know that I’m not alone. That someone can actually feel how I feel things."
"I bet you will be an amazing other half of someone." She said.
I looked at her, I almost laughed. “I don’t think so, as much as I want it, I don’t things would go well.”
"Why is that?"
"Could you imagine being with someone like me? Someone who feels the things I do, as intensely as I do. Someone who remembers everything you say. You would hate it." I said.
"I…I don’t know. I’m sure someone will love it. Will love you." Her eyes looked sad as she it, almost like she didn’t believe her own words. I didn’t say anything back, I looked at the clock, another half hour to go.
Five minutes of silence passed, “What type of person do you see yourself with?” She asked.
"I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it. I think I want too many things to make it an actual possibility."
"What kinds of things do you want then?"
"I want someone who wants me on the same level as I want them. That just because they have me, they never stop pursuing me. I hate how people get lazy once they have someone else, they stop taking them out, stop flirting with them. We still surprise each other, and are spontaneous. I can have serious talks with, but still wrestle around. I don’t want someone who while we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie is texting someone else, and they’re sending pictures of themselves to him. I don’t want someone who says things, then doesn’t remember them. I don’t want to think something is there when it really isn’t" I started to cry.
"Maybe you need more than one person"
"Maybe, but that’s more people I’d have to meet and get to know. Highly unlikely that will happen."
"The online thing works pretty well I hear."
"That’s a lot of work. You know what else I don’t want. I don’t want someone who hides things. Who just randomly decides they’re bored, you’re waiting for them and then you hear their car start and they take off, then not come back for five hours." I started rambling, "Or, someone who can’t hold your hand in front of their friends. Someone who can’t even admit how they feel. Can’t even say you’re theirs. They don’t even want you around their friends. I want someone who wants to go out sometimes, but also doesn’t mind hanging out and just watching a movie. That maybe somewhere down the road could stand living together." I said, out loud, instantly wishing I hadn’t.
"You sound afraid."
"I thought that was already obvious." After a bit more idle chat, she got serious.
"I’m worried I won’t be able to find someone who will be able to help. You have a lot to talk about, a lot of which no one seems to be able to help with" she said.
"I know, but it can’t hurt to try." I said.